Bad news, bad news

I've been having some pretty severe cramping on and off for a week now. The anxiety of this cycle was seriously making me crazy, and I felt on the verge of a panic attack pretty much constantly. Yesterday I called the clinic, and played up the "do I have an ectopic???" angle, which honestly, was a pretty big concern given the roller coaster betas and cramping. They had me come in today. Dr Boy had to work, so I was solo.

Two empty sacs. Two. Empty. Measured ~6mm each. Two. Same size, so they really did implant around the same time, like I thought they had the night of and day after transfer. They just suck, so nothing grew other than the sac. I'm only 5w6d today, so there is still a chance, albeit extraordinarily small, that something could grow out of this. There could maybe possibly still be a happy ending. But the look on the RE's face really told it all- there is nothing short of a miracle that will bring these babies home to my arms.

At this point, the gestational sac should be 15mm or larger, with a yolk sac, and in most cases, a fetal pole. With the mini Meier, we saw a heartbeat today.


So yeah. What are the odds... two. two empty sacs.

I'm strangely calm about it now, but so, so very heartbroken.

Don't Listen to a Word I Say.... Hey!

Infertility is a bitch. 

Having an amazing community full of people like all of 'yall helps tame that bitch back a little bit with each comment, tweet, and email full of love and empathy. I can't tell you how much all of the above have meant to me (and Dr Boy) this week. It's made the big terrible awful more bearable. 

I know that it could be worse- but for us? Right now? This is the worse. I don't WANT to know worse than this, because it's pretty damn shitty as it is. 

But we will go on. We're on vacation right now- I may or may not have been at 13 kft today... straddled the equator... and tasted my first ceviche. Pretty damn amazing way to put all of this out of your mind, huh?

Our WTF appointment is Monday the 14th, the day after we get back. We'll make our final decision on when and what to do next, though it'll be for sure a fresh cycle of IVF since we have NO embies left. The big question is June or July, but it's looking likely to be June. Because it feels good to keep moving, you know?

After our failed IVF in December, that Florence + the Machine song Shake It Out was big. Every time I heard it, I wept buckets. Uncontrollable. Pretty much as hard as I cried when I thought Mulder died in the train car buried in the New Mexico desert at the end of Season 3 of the X Files. 

At the end of FET #1 (which I just called FET at the time- you know, wishful thinking?), I heard Little Talks by Of Monsters and Men while driving home from work after receiving the results. It seemed especially fitting for the chemical pregnancy, and I would lose my shit whenever I heard it. And it would appear that I still do. This one is the soundtrack to our failed frozen cycles. 

I'll leave you with the lyrics. So much meaning to me in all of them, every verse. It's no wonder it turns me into an emotional wreck. 

I don't like walking around this old and empty house.So hold my hand, I'll walk with you my dear


The stairs creak as I sleep, it's keeping me awakeIt's the house telling you to close your eyes
Some days I can't even dress myself.It's killing me to see you this way.


'Cause though the truth may varythis ship will carry our bodies safe to shore.
Hey! Hey! Hey!


There's an old voice in my head that's holding me backWell tell her that I miss our little talks.
Soon it will all be over, buried with our past

We used to play outside when we were youngand full of life and full of love.
Some days I feel like I'm wrong when I am right.Your mind is playing tricks on you my dear.


'Cause though the truth may varyThis ship will carry our bodies safe to shore


Hey!Don't listen to a word I sayHey!The screams all sound the same.Hey!
Though the truth may varythis ship will carry our bodies safe to shore


You're gone, gone, gone away, I watched you disappear.All that's left is a ghost of you.

Now we're torn, torn, torn apart, there's nothing we can do,

Just let me go, we'll meet again soon.
Now wait, wait, wait for me, please hang aroundI'll see you when I fall asleep.


Hey!Don't listen to a word I sayHey!The screams all sound the same.Hey!


Though the truth may varythis ship will carry our bodies safe to shore


Thanks, LyricsMania

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Now we're off... no more interwebz for over a week! See ya'll when I return!

Nope-si-daisy (7dp6dt, beta #1)

I peed on a FRER yesterday and this morning, and the beta confirmed it.

Less than 5.

Not pregnant.

Again.

Repeat beta on Wednesday, just to make sure. Continuing meds until then because why the eff not. Honestly, I'm hoping with everything I have in me that it stays negative so we don't have to ride the hellish chemical rollercoaster again.

At 13dpo, a negative beta is a bad thing, even if the 15dpo comes back positive. It really just is, and there's no way around it.

Thank fucking god we're going on vacation at the end of the week. I think our tropical destination sounds like the perfect place to decide how we're going to come up with another $13,000 after just buying a house. Oh, and whether we want to part with that cash in June or July. And what the FUCK to change so this shit works.

When I arrived at the lab this morning, the women checking me in said (and I kid you not) "You must love getting this test! You've had so many!" Instead of violence, I told her we just haven't gotten the right answer yet. And promptly lost my shit in front of her.

I think we're up to about a seven layer shit cake by now.



(and whoever the FUCK signed me up for daily inspirational emails can eff the eff off.)

Less pregnant (CD1)

Just another Manic Monday... whoaaaaaa ohhhhhhh.... Otherwise known as the best Monday ever. Let me count the ways!

- I woke up to AF this morning. An hour before my alarm went off (yay!) I'm actually pretty surprised- she arrived crampless and without any particular fanfare. I'm hoping things stay that way because if so, this will be WAY less horrific than I had imagined. Actually, I kindof wish she'd just get on with things so this doesn't drag out too. But whatever. At least I didn't need to take my heating pad to work with me, right?

- My colleague's wife went into labor last night. Plus side? I don't have to listen to people asking him all day if she's popped yet. AND he'll be taking a month off. I can handle that.

- Blood draw took sticking and fishing in both arms today. The bruises are going to be EPIC.

- Leaving the lab for my FIFTH beta, there was a newborn and I lost my shit for the second time in ten minutes (the first was in the blood draw chair).

- Found out my beta dropped from 50 on Thursday, to 44 today. At least we're not actively growing anything anymore. I guess that's some good-ish news, right?

- IVF nurse called to give me my beta results, and seems to think I still need to cycle naturally after this PIO withdrawl bleed. This confuses me immensely. Because I don't cycle. It takes 60 effing days. And we're working with a deadline- I'll be out of the country May 3-13, so it's either April or June, no in between for us. Must. Get. Show. On. Road. If we have to cycle "naturally", I'm def out until June. And I will lose my shit again and get pretty crazy for the next three months.

- Wednesday's ultrasound was converted to a regular old WTF appointment to talk about our next cycle. Specifically, the GET IT DONE ASAP point. And the NO LUPRON point. And the Maybe we can do a saline sono to make sure there isn't anything left up in there point. Any other points I should cover?

- I discovered approximately one thousand mosquito bites on my feet and ankles from wearing flip flops all weekend. Curses!!!


So yeah. Best. Monday. Ever.

Nopesicle. (7dp6dt, beta day)

I peed on the Rolls Royce this morning, the First Response Early Result, just like yesterday, and surprise surprise, ended up with the same result.

Still negative. Had my blood draw.

Beta less than 5. Not pregnant. Not a chemical. Not anything but an empty uterus.

My totsicles had been given highest marks. Again.
My transfer went perfectly. Again.
I followed all post-care instructions to a T. Again.
My body failed us. Again.


We've transferred four perfect embies. Our cycles have been textbook perfect. The *only* fly in the ointment this time was a lining of only 7.2-7.9mm, which is still in the ok range but on the low side. Not so much that it should have been an issue.

At what point do you start wondering "It's not you, embryo's, it's me."? How does this happen? When do you ask, "Huh, this really should be working, why isn't it?"

Can we really just be THIS unlucky twice for no good reason? I need a reason.

---------------------------
PS- I get to keep taking my meds until a repeat beta on Friday. Just to confirm for sure. Fuckin' A.

PPS- Don't tell me to hold out hope until Friday. Seriously.

The itchies and the bitchies

You know what today is, fine folks? Today is my last day of birth control... w00t! Very exciting stuff here. Based on my track record, I should be getting 'ol AF next Tues or Wed, and have an ultrasound and bloodwork appointment next Thurs to check out the oves and hormone levels. Show? Almost on the road.

I started lupron on Tuesday to suppress the heck out of lefty and righty. Though let's be honest, we needed to do fertility treatments because I *don't* ovulate on my own, so in my opinion it's overkill. But whatever, I was kindof missing all the lovely side effects from all the meds anyways :)

I was on the antagonist protocol for IVF, so I never used lupron for down regulation, just whopping high dose as a trigger. I remember the itchies that ensued for almost two days after the trigger QUITE well. Didn't think our litlte microdoses of 15 units out of an insulin syringe would have the same effect, but surprise! It does. Though it doesn't last as long. Just a nice little reminder for an hour or two that it indeed was there.

Oh! And I'm bitchy! (if you know me, you're all "well duh. not exactly the announcement of the century.") The lupron makes me bitchiER. I'm finding myself MUCH more annoyed by the little things these past couple of days, and I'm blaming it on the meds. Watch out- I'm on these babies for a full three weeks... good times!

In other news, we got the new esradiol valerate, mixed in ethyl oleate, a hypoallergenic (in theory) synthetic oil to replace the sesame oil stuff. Hope that plus the less frequent injections lead to less hives overall- always a good goal in my opinion!

Other than that, life has been a bit crazy. Lots of trip planning (things are set for our ski trip... yay!), lots of relaxing, and finally lots to do at work. I'm pretty much operating on "ignorance is bliss" mode right now. That way I don't have to think about the fact that there are 27 more days until our transfer, 35 more days until our beta, and 37 more days until our RE confirms success or failure.

That's a lot of days. A lot of time for something to go wrong. A lot of time to be reminded that this is our *second* embryo transfer. Every time I think about it, I'm reminded of the simple truth that IVF didn't work for us. The last resort, the big guns, failed. I knew it was possible. I knew it wasn't likely, but not likely doesn't mean not possible. I'm *still* having so much trouble getting past that simple fact, and I'm so annoyed by it that I'm ready to punch myself listening to me whine about it.

So instead of whining, I'm ignoring. All that excitement over today being the last BCP? Feigned. In fact, the thing I'm most excited about today is how AWESOME my hair smells because of shampoo I started using today.

One of these days I'll get "in the mood" for our FET. Just not today. And probably not tomorrow either.

Clearly my feelings are delicious

Or I wouldn't currently weigh MORE THAN I DID ON EGG RETRIEVAL DAY.


Yes, I said it. I have managed to gain weight during a time where it should be falling off my mid-section, one empty follicle at a time. Really though, how does one actually expect that to happen when they eat like they're growing triplets, but the only thing going on down there is a shrinking barrel of cysts?

Don't get me wrong. My feelings were delicious. The holiday candy, the large servings, the godknowshowmany bottles of wine. And hot damn they were necessary! These past four weeks post-BFN have been a bit of awful followed by less awful followed by GOOD GOD HOW DID YOU THINK YOU WERE OK AGAIN awful. The less awful was spent with family over the holidays, a blissful ten days where I could bitch and moan about my horrible period, pop a BCP, and bury myself in playdates and Christmas cheer. And 80-degree weather (thank you Los Angeles).

The awful awful hit this week, as I think it does for many people post-holidays. In my case, the post-holiday depression wave collided with the post-vacation depression wave, which then collided with the here's-your-fet-calendar-because-ivf-failed-wave. Those of us who remember our physics know that when waves collide, they can sometimes cancel each other out, but with my luck? The amplified into a tsunami of grief that I just kept feeding.

It ended in me crying at the movies last night. Seeing Sherlock Holmes. Which I assure you, is not a sad movie. Though I cry a lot at movies, this was a new low, even for me.


I'm not going to feed it anymore.

I'm going to be ok.

I'm going to get pregnant. (eventually)

I'm going to stick to my healthy living/eating resolutions. (more on how THAT's going later)

I'm going to get through this.

Top Ten...

...things that have happened since you last heard from me. In no particular order.

1. We got our calendar for our FET. Or rather, I got my period on Christmas Eve, called the clinic, and started birth control on Christmas Day for our FET. THEN we got our calendar. It looks a little something like this:

And by a little something I mean exactly. Click to enlarge.

Basically, we're transferring on February 6th. Which puts our 1st beta on Valentine's Day. I think I shall protest. (In fact, this calendar is looking like it's going to change. More on that tomorrow.)

2. Post-IVF periods are quite possibly the worst periods OF YOUR LIFE. Let's just say the PIO did it's job, because it was NOT PRETTY. So much cramping. Didn't help that we drove for 6 hours the day it started, but seriously? Worst period cramps of my life. They were about the same level as my cramping from the retrieval, about 1 or 2 days post-op. It's a miracle though, that I didn't set myself on fire with my grandma's borrowed heating pad. I wish I got a picture of this thing- I think it was seriously from the 60s. We threw it away when it started to smell like burning.

3. I set goals for getting healthy (again) this year. Mainly, shape the eff up before our FET. I'm dropping the sugar like a rock again this month. Yay. Dr Boy and I signed up for another 5K, which we'll run the day before the FET. Take THAT, bedrest-bloat. We bought headlamps and warmer running clothes so we have no "wah wah i'm too cold it's too dark" excuses with running.

Our sleepy passenger- complete with doggie seatbelt. Safety first!

4. I spent 10 days in Los Angeles with the fam. Loved every minute. It was definitely the time away I needed to finish healing after our December failure. I still feel the grief from the BFN, but I am in a MUCH better headspace to move forward with our next step. Though I can't stop crying whenever I hear "Shake it Out" by Florence + the Machine. Try listening without crying. I dare you.

Carey and I... isn't she lovely? (i'm left, she's right)

5. I met Carey, the ModVegan, for dinner. She's pretty incredible. Despite having a tragic ending to her triplet pregnancy with three handsome boys, she is an amazing source of strength and positivity out there on the twitters. I can't imagine going through what she has and still being such a cheerleader for us in the trenches- she's truly a beautiful person and I'm so glad to have met her... and even told her my name :)

6. I had a delayed reaction to the PIO shots. My last one was on December 19th. On Christmas Eve, I started to get this really bad itching on my hips, where if you wore a string bikini bottom they'd tie, you know? I took a peek and there were these lovely red welts on both sides. WEIRD. There's nothing that I was recently exposed to that could have caused it. It's not exactly where the shots went though, more like if you went about 3-5 inches from the injection sites outward. Today they look like deep bruises. I talked to the IVF nurses, and they're going to switch me to a PIO that's synthetic for the FET, just in case it was a reaction to the sunflower oil. For now? I just want to stop scratching my ass.

7. My pregnant cousin was absent from Christmas this year. Big sigh of relief. Though I think I would have been ok- there were Christmas margaritas.

8. I still have not lost any of the IVF weight. At. All. Damn you Christmas, and your delicious temptations.

NYE sparkles

9. I went to a New Year's Eve party. At a house. With a stripper pole.

Say what?

No seriously, in the upstairs bonus room.

It was supposed to be a classy blind wine tasting party!

No, I did not dance. See #8.

My lovely hair, post-treatment. Still looks like that, even after washing!

10. I got my hair chemically straightened! I did the Yuko treatment, a more permanent Japanese cousin to the Brazilian blowout. This is my fourth time over about 5 years doing it, and I LOVE IT. The only sucky part is the whole not washing your hair for three days while it settles part. I was fairly grease-tastic by day 3. Today though? Amazeballs. Two minutes of flouncy blow drying in the am to get the drying started, then out the door. Life. Changing. I know that sounds dramatic, but when you fail an IVF cycle? Shiz like this suddenly becomes life changing. I HIGHLY recommend it. Love.


So that's me in a nutshell for the last almost two weeks. I'm slowly sorting through all the posts I missed while I was all post-IVF depressed and woe-is-me, and then on vacation.

Here's to a new year, with new hope, and all that good stuff :)

Gratuitous sleepy puppy photo. Because she's cute.

Dear Santa... (and the plan)

First, I told you that all I wanted for Christmas was a positive pregnancy test, preferably my own.

I understand the confusion, as you may have overheard me telling my husband about these super cute galoshes, and my mom about a Le Creuset dutch oven, and my in-laws about some new running gear.

Totally get it.

But I probably should have been more clear. And maybe omitted the "preferably my own" part. Though you did come through! I mean, not for Dr Boy and I, but for Rebecca, and W&W, and Megan, and AMiracle, and Heather, and Jenn, and @mhamer33, and @_ttc_2003, and @EndoJourney, my cousin, and my new friend K.

Yeah.

Thank you for helping all of them, and the others I'm sure I'm forgetting. Each and every one of them deserves this win so, so very much. Though, I'm fairly certain that there's only three of us whom I cycled with that aren't pregnant right now. Which, to be honest, is pretty damn good stats, which is why I'm thanking you, Santa.

Do you think you might have something else in 'ya though? Or, could you contact Cupid, or St Valentine, or one of the President's we celebrate on Presidents Day?

Because we could really use a win. This time? I'm amending my request.

One positive pregnancy test, please. Definitely my own.

-------------------------------------------------------

Good news at the RE visit yesterday. Got the usual "Sometimes the best embryos just don't stick, and the crappy ones do" speech, which I was expecting. I know there wasn't going to be any good reason why this didn't work.

We then got down to the business of our FET. Dr S is definitely on the same page as we are- getting this show on the road ASAP. As such, we're going to start BCP as soon as my period arrives, which it keeps threatening. I have totally AF cramps, to the point t where I feel like it's a repeat of the Great Toilet Paper Watch of 2011. I'm not quite to the point of tempting fate with lacy undergarments and white pants, but if we're a no-show this weekend, AF better watch out. I won last time, if you remember.

He wants me on BCP for a min of 3 weeks, at some point starting some lovely Lupron injections to keep me suppressed. I'll come off the BCP, do some u/s's to check out my lining, take some estrogen, start me some PIO-goodness, then transfer in early February, along with the rest of the patients on the Jan/Feb calendar. Bueno. Oh, yeah, and he definitely wants to transfer two again. So we don't have to have that fight later :)

If all goes well, I'll be PUPO by Valentine's Day. Though I have a ski trip planned to Breckenridge the weekend before V-Day, so we'll be planning around that. Maybe the elevation will help???

Could I ask you guys for input again? If you've had one, what did your FET med calendar look like? What kinds of meds were you taking, when, etc. If you've written a post on it, you can direct me there. I feel like all the research I did was on the fresh part of the cycle, not the frozen parts. Thanks!

I'm happy. I still have a crazy low trigger for crying, but honestly, I did before. Not this bad, but not all that abnormal either. I may or may not have cried during Top Chef last night.

Ultimately, I'm just glad to have a plan to get through the holidays, something to focus on instead of the pain and hurt that this cycle ended up as.

The Dark Place

It's where I go when I'm depressed. I was there a lot before I started Lexapro. I've been there every now and then since I weaned off a little over three years ago. I'm there now. I have so many errands to run today, so many things to do to get ready to travel down to LA Saturday morning. Yet I'm here on the couch, watching my 7th episode in a row of Friday Night Lights.

Of course I am. It's expected. It's one of those days where love and support hurts. Knowing you have all these people around rooting for you and supporting you. Right now, I feel like I just have more people out there who I've let down. People who helped me during this cycle that I feel like wasted their time. Thoughts and prayers that went unanswered.

Emily wrote the sweetest post. Everything that was going through my head yesterday. All the questioning. And while it felt good to read those words, it made me cry. Just like when my IVF nurse called in the afternoon to check up on me. It made me bawl. The best part was me making the mistake of asking when, realistically, we could start our FET. Because right now, all I can think about are two things. 1. Why the hell am I here. 2. When the hell can we start again.

You know what she said? First, I have to cycle out of the provera (probably this weekend). Then, I have to have a natural cycle. Say WHAT??? My natural cycles are effing 50 days long, if I'm lucky. "If you're late you can take provera." Oh gee. That cuts it down to a 45 day cycle. That sure helps. Then I have to do BCP for a month, then the cycle we end up transferring. That, best case scenario, takes about 80 days until we hit CD1 for the FET cycle. Which takes us to the second week of March. Which means we won't even find out until the last week of March. That's three months away.

That's effed up. It sent me into some pretty hysterical sobs, strait into the bathroom with the chaise lounge doing a heck of a lot of the ugly cries. I spend the last half our of work there. Or rather the second to last half hour of work. The final half hour of work I spent on the phone with my friend N talking me down. She's kindof the best. Turns out Dr Boy texted her to call me and talk me down, because he didn't have time to at work. And you know what? She was able to tell him that she already had :) I am so lucky to have the two of them.

I turn 30 on March 13th.

I need this before then. I at least need this CHANCE before then.

I have my WTF appointment tomorrow afternoon with Dr S. I hope to hell she was wrong. I want to start BCP this goddamn weekend and get the show on the road.

Could any of you that have been here (and I am so so sorry that you have), what your timeline looked like? I need to know what's "normal" in this situation. Am I trying to rush it? Because I feel ready. My head needs this to happen much much more than my body needs to heal. I'm fine physically, and will keep working on being fine physically. I just need this to happen as soon as possible, so I can crawl out of the dark place.

I know these all just sounds melodramatic. I kindof want to punch myself for it but I can't seem to stop.

Shocker! (15dpo, 10dp5dt)

Had my second beta today. Not pregnant. I was reeeeeal surprised.

Not.

A list.
- Last night's PIO shot was the absolute least painful one yet. Go figure.
- I can't wait to feel like I can sleep w/out a sports bra on.
- Estradiol tabs give me heartburn from hell, not wishfully-thought pregnancies.
- Holy hell the withdrawal bleed is going to be awful, huh?
- Dr Boy was awesome and briefed his parents not to bring up the failed test on Sunday. Even when I brought it up, they were really good. No "we'll get 'em next time" or anything else unhelpful. Win.
- I went running last night. First time since Thanksgiving. It's amazing how weak I felt. I run intervals, but could only do one third what I was back then. Lame.
- Also? With every step I took, my PIO butt bruises jiggled. OOOOOWWWWWWWWWW. Today my hips hurt.
- WTF appt is Thursday afternoon. I want to get this FET on the road AS SOON AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE. I feel this sense of urgency about it that I just can't even explain.

I still have a lot to sort through, mentally. I keep forgetting that Dr Boy is going through this too. I'm not strong enough right now to help him get through it, and that sucks. You know what he was doing Sunday morning when I told him? Seeing newborns. Two to three day old newborns. I can't even imagine that.

I'm also grappling with success rates. But that's for another day.

Thanks for all the support and thoughts and prayers. I'm sorry it was a waste of time.

My boobs got my back (9dp5dt)

At my job, each day I work one of two shifts: one that starts at 6am, or one that starts at 7am (it's flexible, but I vanpool and we head in about that time). Today is my seventh day of work in a row. All with 6am-ers.

Let's first get this on the table that I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON. This fact cannot be rescued by caffeine. I have been known to be saved by the occasional donut or asiago cheese bagel with onion and chive cream cheese, but generally speaking, not. a. morning. person.

Now let's get THIS on the table. I frequently turn my alarm off in my sleep. About half the time, Dr Boy realizes it and gets me up (because he is a saint in this regard and i love him dearly), but the other half? Totally late for work. It's a problem.

Last week, between making holiday english toffee, going back to work after lots of resting, and not sleeping well due to stressing about implantation, I managed to turn my alarm clock off three mornings in a row. I'm talented, huh?

Today was destined to be one of those mornings. I didn't get more than four hours of sleep Saturday night, so I had a lot of catching up to do. I still stayed up too late, opening presents and hanging out with the in-laws. I talked to my mom a little before bed. I FINALLY got to talk to Dr Boy, just the two of us, about the serious possibility, near-certainty, that we were one of those couples that have to go through an IVF BFN. There were tears, sobs, and snot. I finally fell asleep HARD shortly after 11pm.

The alarm very rudely woke me up this morning as I was dreaming about something or other. I know I dreamt but can't for the life of me remember what about. I was sleeping on my back, and started to roll over to turn it off and

BAM!!! HOLY HELL BOOBS FEEL LIKE HOT POKERS ARE STABBING THEM!!! In reality it was only my sheets and mattress, but wow. That sure as hell woke me up. No late for work for me!

So thank you boobs, for having my back, and keeping me from accidentally turning my alarm clock off.

Also, for giving me just the slightest bit of hope that this cycle *may* have actually been successful. Of course, it's more likely that the pain is from the PIO shots we take in the evenings, but still. A girl can dream.

Other "maybe" type symptoms include crazy fiery heartburn from hell no matter what I eat, and crampy ute. Of course, that could be AF trying to bust her way through the PIO/Estradiol, but whatever. I have also had a crazy amount of CM in the last few days. Crazy amount. Grody. Grody. Grody.

I don't know. I'm sure I'm just still trying to cling to the false hope stage. (coincidentally the reason i didn't poas this am) Either way, we'll know when the phlebotomist sings tomorrow.

My embies are lazy (8dp5dt) (edited)

Which would make sense, since they're half me. I was kindof hoping they'd get the half-my-husband in that department though.

They're still failing to give me any appreciable sign that they're still in there. Two more days of pee sticks, two more big fatty white spaces where a second line should be. I added the First Response Early Results into the mix yesterday, and they're just as pasty white. Maybe if I sent them to the tanning salon they'd respond better?

I had my blood draw this morning. Good times with a mid-forearm vein. Should get the results in a few hours. I'm hoping beyond hope that there's something still in there, just slowly stretching and getting into the hcg-producing swing of things. Slowly. Agonizingly slowly.

Yesterday and Friday were the days of grief. I was finally confronted with the very real possibility that this wouldn't work. That I'd fall into the 30-40% chance of failure, rather than the 60-70% chance of success that Dr S gave me. When he walked out of the room after the transfer, he said that he had no doubt in his mind that they'd be calling me with good news this week. I'm pretty sure the good news wasn't that we'd be sending more $$ their way in a month or two.

Today is more of a numb day. I'm slowly transitioning into the worst phase of my end-of-cycle processing- false hope. You know, the justification part? Well, it was probably just a bad batch of tests. It's still too early to really know. They could just be super-late implanters. Tests have been wrong before! The false hope makes you feel like a complete dupe when the truth comes out, but at least it's kept me from sobbing in front of computer models this morning.

Yes, we have 8 embies on ice waiting in the wings. Yes, they're probably pretty good quality. Yes, I'm still 29. Yes, we still have time. Blah, blah, blah.

Those aren't the things you want to hear when you're facing a BFN after something you thought would get you your take home baby. A great way to celebrate the holidays is with a BFP! Not a bottle of spiced wine. I just feel like I've let everyone down so far, with my mom coming up to take care of me through the retrieval/transfer, and the second beta being drawn on her birthday. And poor Dr Boy, who's rushed home each night to make sure that I had dinner and my PIO injection, and that our diabetic cat was taken care of so I could slack it up on the couch.

The best part is that the in-laws are heading over this afternoon when we get off work to celebrate Christmas with us, since we'll be heading down to So Cal to spend it with my family. You know how my blog title is Meier Madness? It originally stemmed from what I call the trips they take to visit us. While I love them to death, and they truly are wonderful loving people, high doses of the Meier's can be a lot to handle. A lot. And while they know that we'll be finding out some time this week whether we were successful or not, I just don't want to let them into this inner circle quite yet. If today is a false negative, I don't want to drag them down, or have them try to lift me back up. I'm not in the mood. I want to sulk, or celebrate, in peace with Dr Boy. But we won't get to do that. And EVEN better, they're spending the night, so we won't have our time alone until we both get home from work tomorrow. Fab.

I hope I'm just overreacting. I'm good at that. I hope that at least one of these guys chose to stick around. I really just want my Hanukkah miracle.

Please?
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Today's beta came back at less than 5. Guess I'm hoping for a miracle on Tuesday.

Nope Squared.

I had some really light dark brown spotting yesterday afternoon, and immediately my mind rushed towards implantation bleeding. I mean, I was 11 DPO, so it was still within the realm of possibility, right? On the late side, but I hadn't been cramping at all yet (last time I had lots of pre-AF cramps) so I didn't think anything of it in terms of AF.

I went to my hour-long swim class which was awesome (did some of my first flip turns! actually make progress on this fitness thing!). I ate my last meal for 24-hours (Yom Kippur), planning on only drinking water through tonight. And then AF arrived, pretty much all at once, cramps and all.

Super. IUI #2, fail. And I guess technically, on CD11. Which means I can add a short luteal phase to my resume. I was on no progesterone support this time around because that hadn't been a problem last time, though really, AF only arrived 12 hours earlier than it did with IUI #1. The RE said they didn't think it would be a problem.

Whatever. It was obviously a problem this time. Along with a piss-poor response to the stims overall. 3 vials of menopur for most of the cycle, 19 shots, and only one measly 18.5 mm follie? Lame. My RE always calls my ovaries loaded guns because of all the cysts from my dang PCOS- Guess they're loaded guns that keep misfiring.

This month is a break of sorts. We'll be out of town CD8-18, which means no stimming for us. I'm not sure what we're going to do next. I do have an appt on Monday morning to discuss things. And probably do some crying.

I'm good at that.

Good luck to the billion of you (at least it feels like) that were cycling at the same time as me this month- and thank you for all the support!!!




(dear god is it sunset yet? i'm flippin' hungry)

Round Two

JM and Dr Boy in one ring...


The Ovaries in the other...


Who will emerge victorious???? Only time will tell....

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I've felt particularly disconnected this week. It was like throwing on the e-brake Monday morning when AF showed up. We had a fantastic weekend, full of in-laws, baseball, and BBQing for friends. The party we thew went wonderfully, the in-laws were tame, and I got stuff DONE. In a clean house. No, I didn't get to drink the sangria Sunday night, but I was contently in the TWW. Pretending I was gestating.

We went to Dr Boy's bro's baseball game Monday morning, and BOOM. The cramps I had been experiencing on and off all weekend intensified, I hit the restroom, and it was over. AF showed at 12DPO, on CD28. How funny! My first "perfect" cycle off BC. Wonderful.

Lots of wine was drunk Monday night.

On Tuesday afternoon, my wonderful friend N set up a coffee date for us and another friend- and her 4 month old baby. I was a wee bit nervous about "putting on my smile", but the truth is, it was the best thing I could have done that day. After the baby started releasing too many bodily fluids for N's taste, I held her. And bounced her, and lulled her to sleep :) This baby? Amazeballs. And there was no need to fake the contently happy feeling I had with her in my arms.

Did I mention her head smelled amazing? I also very nearly took a bite out of her arm. For safe keeping.

So that was my cheap therapy session. That combined with the second bottle of wine consumed in as many days. Yum.

 I went in for my baseline u/s on Wednesday, which showed my empty uterus and almost-back-to-normal ovaries. There was one residual cyst on righty measuring around 9mm, but Dr K wasn't concerned. Probably just still shrinking from last time around.

The plan (can you believe we're already at a plan again? so quick. no time to mourn IUI #1) is to stick with the menopur, just a tad more aggressively. 3 vials on CD3, 4, and 5. 2 vials for the remainder so my "loaded guns" don't go crazy. (I love thinking of my PCOS-ey ovaries as loaded guns. Actually I don't. It scares me.) Get some bloodwork drawn Saturday, then another u/s on CD9 (tuesday). Dr K would like to see some 10 or 11's at that point, so we move a few days faster than last time (triggering on CD15). We'll see!

So there you have it. Therapy, a plan, and two shots down. In case you were wondering, 3 vials of menopur burns way more than 2 vials. Either that or I've just turned massively wussy in the last two and a half weeks.


Which is entirely possible.

Nope.

I'll write more later, but it'll have to be when I'm done crying.

Didn't work. Got my period late this morning.

Had a feeling. Started testing Saturday when my boobs felt like literally cutting them off would feel better than leaving them attached, then the cramping started up. On and off, but more on than off. Then AF late this morning. Eff. Mother effing effer.

I'm still holding out hope for a few people out there this cycle- at the very least Ericka at This Hampton Life. She's be testing on Wednesday.

Thanks to everyone else out there waiting... and I'll be back when I can hold it together longer. Thanks for all the good wishes this cycle. I really, truly couldn't have made it this far without you guys. Really. You're my heroes :)