Revised.

Well that last calendar sure lasted long :)

I've been a bit anxious about our proposed FET date and beta. Our plan had our transfer on Monday Feb 6th, then flying off to Denver to hang out with friends and ski five days later. We'd come back Monday the 13th, then have our beta on V Day. I had reconciled the fact that I wouldn't be skiing while there, and refraining from imbibing with friends. No biggie. We were, however, nervous what effect the travel and inevitable activity and excitement of the weekend would have on implantation. We know it would have occurred before Friday, but if this cycle ended up a bust, we would for SURE blame it on the weekend. Two things would happen. Well, three really.

1. I would be pissed off at the FET for ruining what could have been a fantastic weekend of skiing and drinking with friends. (which, I might add, I'd gladly give up for a baby, but we're moving on the assumption that this doesn't result in a cute pooping blop of smooshable baby)

2. I would be pissed off at the weekend of travel and hanging out with friends for ruining our implantation and blame it for our BFN.

3. I would cry a lot. (inevitable, yes)


None of these things would be good, so we changed our FET date. Our new transfer date is Wednesday Feb 15th, *after* we return from our trip. I am so relieved that we did this. I know we won't have anything to pin a failed transfer on, so nothing gets ruined. Plus, there are no major holidays or important dates for the BFN parade to rain on (yes, I'm now superstitious about that).

Our new calendar looks like this:

The color coding makes me insanely happy. Insanely. Click to enlarge.

I'm still anxious about pushing it back, strictly on the premise that we wanted to get to our next transfer as soon as humanly possibly. I'm willing to deal with that anxiety, though, knowing how much the good of a delayed transfer outweighs the good of an earlier one.

Plus, I didn't love my old calendar enough to color code it, so that must be saying something.


There you have it. Our plan. Revised. Let me know if you're cycling in Jan/Feb- I'd love to follow along!

Round Two

JM and Dr Boy in one ring...


The Ovaries in the other...


Who will emerge victorious???? Only time will tell....

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I've felt particularly disconnected this week. It was like throwing on the e-brake Monday morning when AF showed up. We had a fantastic weekend, full of in-laws, baseball, and BBQing for friends. The party we thew went wonderfully, the in-laws were tame, and I got stuff DONE. In a clean house. No, I didn't get to drink the sangria Sunday night, but I was contently in the TWW. Pretending I was gestating.

We went to Dr Boy's bro's baseball game Monday morning, and BOOM. The cramps I had been experiencing on and off all weekend intensified, I hit the restroom, and it was over. AF showed at 12DPO, on CD28. How funny! My first "perfect" cycle off BC. Wonderful.

Lots of wine was drunk Monday night.

On Tuesday afternoon, my wonderful friend N set up a coffee date for us and another friend- and her 4 month old baby. I was a wee bit nervous about "putting on my smile", but the truth is, it was the best thing I could have done that day. After the baby started releasing too many bodily fluids for N's taste, I held her. And bounced her, and lulled her to sleep :) This baby? Amazeballs. And there was no need to fake the contently happy feeling I had with her in my arms.

Did I mention her head smelled amazing? I also very nearly took a bite out of her arm. For safe keeping.

So that was my cheap therapy session. That combined with the second bottle of wine consumed in as many days. Yum.

 I went in for my baseline u/s on Wednesday, which showed my empty uterus and almost-back-to-normal ovaries. There was one residual cyst on righty measuring around 9mm, but Dr K wasn't concerned. Probably just still shrinking from last time around.

The plan (can you believe we're already at a plan again? so quick. no time to mourn IUI #1) is to stick with the menopur, just a tad more aggressively. 3 vials on CD3, 4, and 5. 2 vials for the remainder so my "loaded guns" don't go crazy. (I love thinking of my PCOS-ey ovaries as loaded guns. Actually I don't. It scares me.) Get some bloodwork drawn Saturday, then another u/s on CD9 (tuesday). Dr K would like to see some 10 or 11's at that point, so we move a few days faster than last time (triggering on CD15). We'll see!

So there you have it. Therapy, a plan, and two shots down. In case you were wondering, 3 vials of menopur burns way more than 2 vials. Either that or I've just turned massively wussy in the last two and a half weeks.


Which is entirely possible.

Five Years

So I'm two days late in posting this, but that's the way I usually am with the important things in life. Friday was the 5 year anniversary of the day I said "I do" to Dr Boy. We have been married for 5 years and 2 days. In the fall, we'll have been in eachother's lives for 12 years. Holy crap.

Five years ago, in 100+ degree sunshine, we walked down the aisle.

 We signed our marriage contract, said our vows.

We were lucky enough to celebrate with most of our closest family members and friends, and to be honest, had an absolute blast. (We ignored the events of the night before, and the night before that. One of these days I'll tell you about the aftermath of the bachelor and bachelorette parties. Good grief.) I've never felt more beautiful in my life. I distinctly remember looking in the mirror before my father took me down the aisle, crying, and saying to him "I'll never be this beautiful EVER AGAIN." Insert rolled eyes and head-shaking at me here.

  

There are a few things I would have done differently with regards to the wedding itself, but the marriage? Agreeing to spend my life with the one man I've ever dated? Best decision ever.

And now back to the present.

We're on day 5 of the TWW. Had a glass of wine or two in the first few days, but had my last at our anniversary dinner Friday night. I feel a wee bit guilty, but hey, there wouldn't have been implantation yet anywho, right? We all caffeine and alcohol free now for the duration. I don't know what it is, but I'm feeling a bit of hope again with this round. I don't know if it's the whole first cycle post-HSG thing, or if it's because I felt ovulation pains for the first time, or the glow of the anniversary. Whatever it is, I'm hopeful. And probably just setting myself up for a bigger let-down.


But for now, I'll take hopeful. While it lasts.

Here we go again

This is Hannah's conflicted face:

She wants to ride in the car, but without the infernal seatbelt.

I'm conflicted.

Not sure whether to be happy or sad this cycle. There have been some positive moments- hitting CD1 in time to do the contraction-inducing HSG before I left for my trip to the Midwest, ovulation waiting until after I got back from the Midwest, crampy ovaries yesterday so I had a STRONG feeling I'd be getting a +OPK this morning. Which I did (on CD20, right at the end of my window)- yay for that. No really, I mean it. I'm glad I'm approaching some sense of "normalcy" with my cycle, even if it is 50 days long and includes a 30 day luteal phase.

I just don't know how idiotic it is to think that it may actually produce my BFP. Let's be honest, we've had lots of cycles over the course of the last two and a half years. Not as many as a NORMAL person, since I only really started cycling on my own in November and even since then it's nearly every two months. But I did have a couple of clomid cycles, non-clomid-ed cycles induced by provera, and the most recent ones. None have worked, and this one is au-natural except for a few pee-sticks and the metformin and synthroid I've been on the last 6 months. Oh, and pre-seed. (which creeps me out but i'd like to stack the deck in my favor thanksforasking) 


I guess in the grand scheme of things, it's not so many BFN cycles, but it sure as hell feels like it to me. I think it's the time more than anything else. Dr Boy and I started trying to conceive before I turned 27. I have now reached the point where I will have a full-term child before I turn 30 ONLY if I get preggo this cycle (ha). Thirty isn't that old, I know. It's just a milestone I had always imagined passing with two children in my arms. Two. And now I'm fighting for one. I don't want to cry about it again. I just want something to happen.

My first appt with the new RE dept is scheduled for June 15th. That'll be 15DPO, or CD34. Good timing, I guess, in that regard. We'll know if this attempt worked, and will be able to start a fully monitored cycle with a Dr, knowing fully that we've tried. And god knows we'll try this time around (hey! TMI police!). Our five-year wedding anniversary is on Friday. I have to work 6am shifts through the weekend, but we're still finding time to have a nice dinner and night out together.

The bad timing that seems to haunt me comes next weekend, when we're heading to Napa to do a real anniversary celebration. Smack dab on days 9 through 11 of the TWW. Early enough to where I might be able to get a faint BFP, but not late enough to be certain of a BFN. Which means I am going to wine country. Sober. (Insert advice to see someone about my need to drink copious amounts of wine HERE.) Not how I imagined spending the trip. If I wanted to go somewhere to NOT drink, there are a thousand places within driving distance that would be higher on the list. So I get pissed off about infertility and the bottles of wine I can't have because of it, the pissy-ness made more acute by the fact that I have no faith in this cycle anyways. And if I have no faith in the cycle why not just drink while I'm there? Or not even try? But we WILL try. And I WON'T drink. I'll just be pissy about it.


So there. I'm pissy, hopeless, ranting, and cranky. Already. Great place to be the morning you get your positive OPK, right?

Oh, and did I mention the father-in-law is coming to town for dinner tonight? Consider the mood set.

(maybe I'll be positive tomorrow. we'll see.)

End of Week One!

Well hellooooooo, fellow McFatty's. While I love the number on the scale, I don't really feel like I earned it. I think rather than actually losing nearly 3 pounds this week, I might have been artificially heavy last week. Maybe I needed to poo? I swear, poo is heavy ;) Yep, I just went there.

What'd I do right this week?
1. Didn't drink- I love me some vino with dinner (and after, and after that...), and I abstained. All week. Of course, I'm on day 11 of the TWW, so there were other motives for that one...
2. Took all my meds on schedule- We all know how easy it is to miss here or there (or maybe it's just me who turns a 7 days course of antibiotics into 9?) but I made a good concerted effort to keep on them. Mostly, this was motivated again by the TWW and taking a prenatal, but the metformin sure helps deal with carbs! To keep track, I put my daily stash into small pillbox in the morning, and took them from there whether I was at home or not. No excuse of "I forgot them at home" or "can't remember if I did or not" when you have them with you at all times and know if they're missing!
3. Started slamming water like it's going out of style. The fake Nalgene I bought when I realized I forgot one on a vacation last summer has come into heavy rotation again. I try to drink most of my water from it, again, for accountability. And to have it with me wherever I am so I don't have the "but bottled water is waaaaay overpriced" excuse. (I'm cheap. Or frugal? Which one is less obnoxious? Or am I obnoxious?) Right now I'm going for 64oz each day (2 bottles/day).

Things I did wrong?
1. Pizza and cake at my work going away party. It would have been rude not to, right?
2. Spinach artichoke dip and spanikopita to celebrate one of my last midnight shifts. My colleague brought it in, and again, far-be-it for me to be rude, right?
3. I bought ice cream. For Sunday/family night dessert. And because it was really cheap. And delicious.
4. Didn't start using my calorie counter.

So I aim to work on those things I did wrong, but I know I won't. I'm helping a good friend celebrate her 30th birthday in Colorado this weekend. Which equates to four nights of drinking, and three days of skiing. Or learning to ski. Which is more like falling a lot. Maybe the exercise (of which I'm sorely lacking right now) will counteract the drunk?

I guess I won't be drunk this weekend if I get exciting news courtesy of my pee tomorrow. If that's the case, this weekend will be a piece of cake to handle! If not, I can drink my pain under the socially acceptable guise of celebrating the end of my friend's 20s.

Today I weigh: 178.2 lbs (net loss 2.8lbs)
Today my BMI is: 27.1
Goal: 165 lbs (wedding weight!!!!)
Goal BMI: 25.5
By When? April 24th