Friday, May 16, 2014

Bad news, bad news

I've been having some pretty severe cramping on and off for a week now. The anxiety of this cycle was seriously making me crazy, and I felt on the verge of a panic attack pretty much constantly. Yesterday I called the clinic, and played up the "do I have an ectopic???" angle, which honestly, was a pretty big concern given the roller coaster betas and cramping. They had me come in today. Dr Boy had to work, so I was solo.

Two empty sacs. Two. Empty. Measured ~6mm each. Two. Same size, so they really did implant around the same time, like I thought they had the night of and day after transfer. They just suck, so nothing grew other than the sac. I'm only 5w6d today, so there is still a chance, albeit extraordinarily small, that something could grow out of this. There could maybe possibly still be a happy ending. But the look on the RE's face really told it all- there is nothing short of a miracle that will bring these babies home to my arms.

At this point, the gestational sac should be 15mm or larger, with a yolk sac, and in most cases, a fetal pole. With the mini Meier, we saw a heartbeat today.

So yeah. What are the odds... two. two empty sacs.

I'm strangely calm about it now, but so, so very heartbroken.

Good News, Bad News

I'm a well-documented pee-a-holic. I managed to hold out until the afternoon of 4dp5dt this time, which is pretty much my norm. It's a squinter, but a second line! A second line! I see it! The internet cheapies sucked balls with this cycle, but the FRER's came through for me. Two lines! They kept getting darker and darker, and I tested through 13dpo, the day after my first beta. Yay for darkening lines!
Getting darker!

First beta was at 7dp5dt, super duper early. I was hoping for 60+, as the mini's beta at 8dp5dt was 80.

It came back at 41. I knew something was wrong. Honestly, my heart sunk that day, even though it was still very early and could have turned out fine. I just didn't feel good about it. Nice sob fest in the crying bathroom at work.

Second beta was at 9dp5dt, and it came back at 58. I knew it. Chemical pregnancy. Again. Just like our first FET almost exactly two years ago. 96 hour doubling time.

Continued meds, get another shitty beta at 11dp5dt, came back at 80. Doubling time 103 hours. For some reason, the RE wanted me to go for just one more. Maybe one implanted early, pooped out, and another implanted late? Ummmmm sure, betas were still awfully low, but sure. We'll entertain this theory while holding absolutely zero hope.

Fourth beta at 13dp5dt came back at 146. What? Doubling time 55 hours. Hmmm.... looking better, but still way way low according to betabase. Not hopeful at all, but increasing enough to keep going. And going.
Sure, things were looking better (except my junkie arms and hands, those were looking very bruised and battered), but I have been in this game long enough to know that recovering betas don't mean a whole lot. Once they look bad, things generally stay bad. I knew we were most likely looking at a blight ovum (empty gestational sac), but man, hope is such a sticky bitch. You can't help wondering if you're going to be that ONE PERSON that they keep the cycle going because bam! A baby showed up! It's a meeeracle! I really, really wanted to be that person, while simultaneously telling myself to stop hoping for the maybebaby to turn into anything. Because it won't. So get your grieving started now.

Second Time Around

I'm just going to skip over the last two years and let you know I had a pretty easy pregnancy after the pleurisy from OHSS went away, and went on to have a very healthy baby boy who is wonderful. He's 15 months old now, and truly, truly is wonderful. We managed to breastfeed for a year, weaning to start the process of trying to make a little brother or sister. My period never came back, thanks PCOS, so off to the RE we went again. Six frosties remained from the retrieval that gave us the mini Meier.

I mostly want to get all this down so I can remember the details of our cycles. TTC again is such a mind fuck. It's slightly easier the second time around, but really, all the same emotions and fears and insecurities are still there. And just as strong. Anyone that says "Well, but at least you have the mini!" doesn't know how that almost makes it worse. We know how amazing this little person is, and how much love and light he brings into our life. We KNOW what we're missing now and what the hole in our lives looks like. It doesn't make us any less grateful and amazed and thankful for him, but damn, I want another. For us, for him. Sigh.

Here's what our calendar looked like this time around.
FET #3 Calendar
I also added in supplements up the wazoo this round to maximize my body's receptiveness.

Morning:   Synthroid
                  Estrace up the vag
Afternoon: Metformin 500mg
                  Vitamin D 1000 iu
                  Folic acid 400mg
                  Estrace up the hatch
Evening:   Metformin 500mg
                  Fish Oil
                  Prenatal Vitamin
                  Aspirin 81mg
                  Estrace up the hatch
                  Progesterone in Oil
                  2x weekly Estradiol Valerate injections

We transferred two hatching embryos on Thursday the 24th as planned, and did the pre- and post-transfer acupuncture. Very relaxing. Very positive. Felt wonderfully positive sharp cramping that night and the next day. These were day 6 embryos, so it netted me a first beta at 7dp6dt, though honestly I have this whole time considered them as if they were day 5 embies. Why give them an extra day of gestational credit when it took them an extra day to hit where they should have been at d5? So from here on out we'll pretend it was a 5dt.
Two hatching 2AA embies, one hatching more than the other
I also wore fancy phoenix socks. Embryos rising from the cryofreeze, no?