Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Officially Over

Things could be better. It's all officially over. We had our second ultrasound at 6w4d, a Wednesday, and there was very little growth of the sacs. Double blight ovums, final answer. Sigh.

I had skipped PIO/Estradiol Valerate the night before because really, I just wanted to kick my body into withdrawal as soon as possible. Brought the meds to the appt just in case something leaned towards hanging on longer, but obviously didn't need that. I'm glad I did. I started spotting Friday, and passed the tissue Sunday. While my parents, brother, and his significant other were all visiting. Fun right???

*M/C TRIGGER WARNING*

Any qualms I had before about calling this a miscarriage are completely gone. I don't think I will ever forget the sensation of passing those clots. There was just so much MORE than I ever imagined there to be. I passed 4 or 5 large clots, maybe the size of a mandarin orange? (If we can measure fetuses by their like-sized fruit, so can we with m/c clots.) It was horrible. And really out of nowhere. I was sitting on the couch, and had been having some lower back cramping all morning, then BAM. Gush. Ran up to the bathroom, and plop. On and on for about 3 or 4 hours. It was horrible. I passed smaller clots through the next day, then just heavy period-like flow with stringy clots for another 4 or 5 days, literally. I stopped bleeding for good Mon or Tues of last week, after 9 days of bleeding. Ugh.

*END GRAPHIC DESCRIPTION*

So that's over. I had three betas to follow it back down and make sure my body got rid of everything. Just 3 days after the loss (May 28), my beta was already down to 264. That is crazy to me. At 11 days past the loss, my beta was down to a frustratingly close 8. Final beta was yesterday, at 15 days past, and down to 5. Not pregnant enough to count as not pregnant.

So that's that. We're hoping to get a cycle together for August. For now, I'm working on getting healthy. Like, for serious. I actually joined a gym.

Yeah. So. Loss. Thanks for the love- I honestly had no idea any of you were still out there in a place you could actually find me! Love to see some of you familiar faces :)

Friday, May 16, 2014

Bad news, bad news

I've been having some pretty severe cramping on and off for a week now. The anxiety of this cycle was seriously making me crazy, and I felt on the verge of a panic attack pretty much constantly. Yesterday I called the clinic, and played up the "do I have an ectopic???" angle, which honestly, was a pretty big concern given the roller coaster betas and cramping. They had me come in today. Dr Boy had to work, so I was solo.

Two empty sacs. Two. Empty. Measured ~6mm each. Two. Same size, so they really did implant around the same time, like I thought they had the night of and day after transfer. They just suck, so nothing grew other than the sac. I'm only 5w6d today, so there is still a chance, albeit extraordinarily small, that something could grow out of this. There could maybe possibly still be a happy ending. But the look on the RE's face really told it all- there is nothing short of a miracle that will bring these babies home to my arms.

At this point, the gestational sac should be 15mm or larger, with a yolk sac, and in most cases, a fetal pole. With the mini Meier, we saw a heartbeat today.


So yeah. What are the odds... two. two empty sacs.

I'm strangely calm about it now, but so, so very heartbroken.

Good News, Bad News

I'm a well-documented pee-a-holic. I managed to hold out until the afternoon of 4dp5dt this time, which is pretty much my norm. It's a squinter, but a second line! A second line! I see it! The internet cheapies sucked balls with this cycle, but the FRER's came through for me. Two lines! They kept getting darker and darker, and I tested through 13dpo, the day after my first beta. Yay for darkening lines!
Getting darker!

First beta was at 7dp5dt, super duper early. I was hoping for 60+, as the mini's beta at 8dp5dt was 80.

It came back at 41. I knew something was wrong. Honestly, my heart sunk that day, even though it was still very early and could have turned out fine. I just didn't feel good about it. Nice sob fest in the crying bathroom at work.

Second beta was at 9dp5dt, and it came back at 58. I knew it. Chemical pregnancy. Again. Just like our first FET almost exactly two years ago. 96 hour doubling time.

Continued meds, get another shitty beta at 11dp5dt, came back at 80. Doubling time 103 hours. For some reason, the RE wanted me to go for just one more. Maybe one implanted early, pooped out, and another implanted late? Ummmmm sure, betas were still awfully low, but sure. We'll entertain this theory while holding absolutely zero hope.

Fourth beta at 13dp5dt came back at 146. What? Doubling time 55 hours. Hmmm.... looking better, but still way way low according to betabase. Not hopeful at all, but increasing enough to keep going. And going.
Sure, things were looking better (except my junkie arms and hands, those were looking very bruised and battered), but I have been in this game long enough to know that recovering betas don't mean a whole lot. Once they look bad, things generally stay bad. I knew we were most likely looking at a blight ovum (empty gestational sac), but man, hope is such a sticky bitch. You can't help wondering if you're going to be that ONE PERSON that they keep the cycle going because bam! A baby showed up! It's a meeeracle! I really, really wanted to be that person, while simultaneously telling myself to stop hoping for the maybebaby to turn into anything. Because it won't. So get your grieving started now.

Second Time Around

I'm just going to skip over the last two years and let you know I had a pretty easy pregnancy after the pleurisy from OHSS went away, and went on to have a very healthy baby boy who is wonderful. He's 15 months old now, and truly, truly is wonderful. We managed to breastfeed for a year, weaning to start the process of trying to make a little brother or sister. My period never came back, thanks PCOS, so off to the RE we went again. Six frosties remained from the retrieval that gave us the mini Meier.

I mostly want to get all this down so I can remember the details of our cycles. TTC again is such a mind fuck. It's slightly easier the second time around, but really, all the same emotions and fears and insecurities are still there. And just as strong. Anyone that says "Well, but at least you have the mini!" doesn't know how that almost makes it worse. We know how amazing this little person is, and how much love and light he brings into our life. We KNOW what we're missing now and what the hole in our lives looks like. It doesn't make us any less grateful and amazed and thankful for him, but damn, I want another. For us, for him. Sigh.

Here's what our calendar looked like this time around.
FET #3 Calendar
I also added in supplements up the wazoo this round to maximize my body's receptiveness.

Morning:   Synthroid
                  Estrace up the vag
Afternoon: Metformin 500mg
                  Vitamin D 1000 iu
                  Calcium/Magnesium/Zinc
                  Folic acid 400mg
                  Estrace up the hatch
Evening:   Metformin 500mg
                  Fish Oil
                  Prenatal Vitamin
                  Aspirin 81mg
                  Estrace up the hatch
                  Progesterone in Oil
                  2x weekly Estradiol Valerate injections

We transferred two hatching embryos on Thursday the 24th as planned, and did the pre- and post-transfer acupuncture. Very relaxing. Very positive. Felt wonderfully positive sharp cramping that night and the next day. These were day 6 embryos, so it netted me a first beta at 7dp6dt, though honestly I have this whole time considered them as if they were day 5 embies. Why give them an extra day of gestational credit when it took them an extra day to hit where they should have been at d5? So from here on out we'll pretend it was a 5dt.
Two hatching 2AA embies, one hatching more than the other
I also wore fancy phoenix socks. Embryos rising from the cryofreeze, no?

Friday, February 1, 2013

Book Review: Here I Go Again

Product Details


Ever had one of those days where you just wish you could take it all back? A real do-over?

There are some days I wish I could do that with this pregnancy. Don't get me wrong- I have LOVED so, so much of it. And have had a pretty darn easy time of it minus the exhaustion and sausage feet. I just wish I could go back and memorialize more of it. I have done a CRAP job of keeping track of everything, from symptoms, to weekly weight gain, to my general state of mind throughout the process. As we're starting to wrap up (35wks tomorrow!), I'm already getting nostalgic for this pregnancy, and it's not even over...

While not quite the same, though along the lines of a do-over, Jen Lancaster's latest book Here I Go Again addresses the age-old fantasy of returning back in time to "get things right". The main character is the bitchy high school cheerleader, who after attending her 20-yr high school reunion, realizes that maybe the way she's been living her life isn't all that it's cracked up to be. I'm not gonna lie- I had a hard time getting into this one. I really did feel put-off by Lissy's antics, and while I realize that it was the intended reaction to her, I never developed the sense of sympathy and desire for her to work it all out. Who knows... maybe I'm just too scarred from my own junior high and high school bullies to give her a break? :)

The book does a great job of making you root for the ancillary characters though, which was its saving grace for me. Between Lissy's dogged father, the ex-jock husband, the life-coach guiding her journey, and the music-geek across the street, the supporting cast really made the whole thing worth it to me. The book is overall a light, quick read, and a nice distraction from life for a few nights- grab it when you need to escape from a stressful day at work! (and I promise, there is only one IF reference, but it doesn't sting badly)

Check out the discussion that Blog Her has going for the book... there should be some interesting discussions over the next couple of weeks!

This is a paid review for BlogHer Book Club but the opinions expressed are my own.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Book Review: Reflected In You




So!

I was super excited to find out I'd been selected to be a part of another campaign through the BlogHer book club- this time reading the novel "Reflected in You", by Sylvia Day. This happens to be the second installment of the Crossfire series, which tells the story of the relationship and romance between Eva and Gideon, as they meet and fall in love in New York City.

I had heard some hype about the books earlier this year, as the first novel (Bared to You) was released in the midst of the 50 Shades craze, and this series definitely fits into that same genre. After receiving the book (and the 1st as well, so that I'd be properly caught up!), I immediately noticed that the covers, I have to assume intentionally, mimicked the iconic 50 Shades covers, and groaned. (though marketing associates everywhere cheered that their ploy worked!) While I enjoyed those for what they were- smutty mindless entertainment, I was really hoping for more with these two books.

They delivered. While still reminiscent of the romance between Ana and Christian, I was immediately much more drawn to Eva and Gideon as characters. While still flawed and overbearing, I felt Gideon came across as much more endearing, and genuine in his affection for Ana, more of true relationship with give and take rather than the domineering I OWN YOU feel from 50. Even better? Eva has a backbone. As long as you don't give her sexy eyes. Then the backbone melts away. Both characters are survivors of childhood sexual abuse, and their relationship is not only a love story, but the story of their healing those wounds and closing the door on the past.

And yeah, the sexy time was hot :) So bonus there. Let's be honest, you're not going to read this series for much more than the lusty feelings it invokes, so it better do it well. And it does. Without leaving the women's rights movement in the dust. The only real flaw I found with these two books? The final installment doesn't come out until *after* the mini is born in 2013... Sounds about right to read near my <cough cough> 6-wk post-partum check up, eh???

This was a paid review for the BlogHer Book Club but all opinions expressed are my own.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

To Know, or Not To Know

Not even a question. We had our anatomy scan two weeks ago, at 19 weeks 4 days. I had planned from the get-go to keep the gender of the mini Meier a surprise. With all the planning and preparing and information that went into and was gleaned through the IVF experience, it meant so much to me to give up this piece of control. I wanted the focus of these months to be making room in our home and lives for a baby, not whether my MIL would be able to buy baseball jerseys or ballet slippers.

I love the idea of going through the birth process and having a doctor hold up our brand new baby and exclaim "It's a XXX!" I love picturing how our lives will unfold with our child, regardless of gender, as most of the things we want to involve our child in will happen regardless of its teeny peenie or vageenie. (yep I said that)

Dr Boy, however, was not in love with the idea. His thirst for knowing ALL THE THINGS was a huge obstacle in my plan to wait. We talked about it a lot, and he's come to terms with waiting. I know, that sounds awful, but it's not, I promise. I made sure that the same future he was envisioning with a child would be the same regardless of gender. I know this whole waiting thing is a sacrifice he's making for me, and it's huge.

And I love him for defending our choice when people say stupid sheet like "but how ever will you decorate the room??? Or buy clothes???"

Because that's just not what it's about. And I don't want that to get lost.

-----------------------------------

DISCLAIMER: I totally don't judge the knowing! It's just not for me/us. But yay Team Blue or Team Pink to all of you that went that route! And yay healthy babies.

DISCLAIMER #2: I've got another post coming up tonight as part of a book review sponsor thingy... I promise I won't let it be the only thing I post for an entire season this time though!