I'm a well-documented pee-a-holic. I managed to hold out until the afternoon of 4dp5dt this time, which is pretty much my norm. It's a squinter, but a second line! A second line! I see it! The internet cheapies sucked balls with this cycle, but the FRER's came through for me. Two lines! They kept getting darker and darker, and I tested through 13dpo, the day after my first beta. Yay for darkening lines!
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| Getting darker! |
First beta was at 7dp5dt, super duper early. I was hoping for 60+, as the mini's beta at 8dp5dt was 80.
It came back at 41. I knew something was wrong. Honestly, my heart sunk that day, even though it was still very early and could have turned out fine. I just didn't feel good about it. Nice sob fest in the crying bathroom at work.
Second beta was at 9dp5dt, and it came back at 58. I knew it. Chemical pregnancy. Again. Just like our first FET almost exactly two years ago. 96 hour doubling time.
Continued meds, get another shitty beta at 11dp5dt, came back at 80. Doubling time 103 hours. For some reason, the RE wanted me to go for just one more. Maybe one implanted early, pooped out, and another implanted late? Ummmmm sure, betas were still awfully low, but sure. We'll entertain this theory while holding absolutely zero hope.
Fourth beta at 13dp5dt came back at 146. What? Doubling time 55 hours. Hmmm.... looking better, but still way way low according to betabase. Not hopeful at all, but increasing enough to keep going. And going.
Sure, things were looking better (except my junkie arms and hands, those were looking very bruised and battered), but I have been in this game long enough to know that recovering betas don't mean a whole lot. Once they look bad, things generally stay bad. I knew we were most likely looking at a blight ovum (empty gestational sac), but man, hope is such a sticky bitch. You can't help wondering if you're going to be that ONE PERSON that they keep the cycle going because bam! A baby showed up! It's a meeeracle! I really, really wanted to be that person, while simultaneously telling myself to stop hoping for the maybebaby to turn into anything. Because it won't. So get your grieving started now.
First off, so glad to see you blogging again! Been way too long.
ReplyDeleteHead is spinning from reading all of this. So much happening in your world. And this current news is enough to make one want to strangle Hope all the more.
You already know the potential outcomes of this situation (vanishing twin vs. blighted ovum), but looking at those last two betas makes me really want to hope for you for the former. I know, I know, it's very tempting just to steal yourself for the worst. But I'm going to encourage you to put that out of your mind and focus on today. Today those betas are doubling. Today you are progressing. And, frankly, stealing yourself isn't going to make the pain any less. So focus on today.
Thinking of you and hoping for such amazing news very soon!