SSDD

Our beta fell nice and quickly after the loss, so we were blissfully able to start over and move on to the next cycle soothingly fast. I work best when I have a plan. Moving forward towards the objective is the most effective way to keep me from going crazy. I need a plan, movement, momentum to build.

FET #4... who's excited?

So plan we did. Three weeks of birth control, then back on the estrogen bandwagon. Everything went super well with this cycle, same 9.5mm lining as before, yada yada. I did my pre- and post- transfer acupuncture, got my pineapple all ready, and we went to transfer.

Fabulous transfer socks

Meet the MaybeBabies!

Two lovely looking day 6 blasts survived the thaw, though they were still differentiating at the time of transfer, and not actually hatching yet. Wore lots of comfy socks to keep my feet warm, and resigned myself to a month of avoiding cold foods/beverages to avoid drawing energy away from the womb. Thanks traditional chinese medicine for stealing my ice cream coping mechanism. I had an awful afternoon that day though... some sort of brief food poisoning or something and puked three times. Yay me! The rest of the weekend I laid low and relaxed, turning gloomier by the day as I hadn't felt any of the telltale cramping I did the last two times I got pregnant.

I POASed on Monday, and sadly, nothing was there. I was 4dpt, and had positives both with the mini and with the notbabies at that point. Poop. I was a hormonal wreck and ended up sobbing in front of the new serger sewing machine that I couldn't get to work properly. So that was fun. I felt completely out of control of my emotions. I peed again on Tuesday... and it was positive. The squintiest of squinters, but positive. Same issue as last time though- it showed on a FRER but not the cheapie.

Look at what my pee did!

My heart dropped a little the next day when the line didn't get much darker. By Thursday, it had darkened a bit, but I just didn't have a good feeling. Apparently with good reason. My beta was 29. I had my second beta today, and it's 61. ****

So here's where we are. Same shit, different day. I don't really know what to feel, honestly. Whether I'm 14dpo today, or 15dpo, the number is still quite low when looking at betabase. And beta values typically shoot up more than just double at the beginning. The mini's went from 80 to 202 at that dpo. The notbabies went from 41 to 58. Better trend this time, but not really better numbers.

I don't really know what to think. I don't want to be the ungrateful asshole that is complaining about her doubling betas, but the past is haunting me here. I really just can't believe that we're here again. This is just crazy. Again. What the flying fark. I can't work up anything in the way of excitement over this pregnancy, just ambivalence and a hey pass the wine... oh wait nevermind.

We'll see what we see with Monday's beta I guess. Ultrasound tentatively Monday the 19th, at 6w2d.


****Like last time, these embies were frozen on day 6 when they hit blast. As such, the clinic considers me a 6dt, and the first beta at 7dp6dt (13dpo) and second beta at 9dp6dt (15dpo). HOWEVER, I call bunk on this one and only am giving them 5dt credit. They took longer to hit blast, so why give them an extra day of developmental credit? Nope. Plus it's slighty less bleak to think of my beta values at 12dpo and 14dpo instead.

Public Service Announcement

Captcha's Suck.

If you have a blog with captcha's, I'll only comment if I REALLY want to. But I'll hate you a little inside for making me squint.

So yeah. Make the captcha's go away. You'll thank me for it. Actually, your blog readers will thank me for it.

(I haven't had mine on in at least a year and have never gotten a spam comment. so there.)

(I don't know this blogger but they have a "how to" make them go away.)

(these are the things that annoy me while I'm in my TWW)

All A'board

Everything went beautifully!

After waking up on the late side, Dr Boy made me a nice peanut butter chocolate protein shake and we headed off to pre-transfer acupuncture. Very relaxing... Almost better than the Xanex I took after!

We then went to our clinic which ushered us pretty quickly back into the transfer room. I got to show off my embryo socks... Nothing says "Stick, babies stick!" quite like silver sparkly polka dots, right?

Clearly not my ankle's most flattering view

Our RE came in and gave us the great news- they thawed two AA embryos... and both survived perfectly! No fragmentation, and they even saw continued growth and cellular differentiation between the morning thaw and mid-day transfer. They're alive... Score!! The transfer went seamlessly, with less pain inserting the catheter through the cervix than last time around. I love our clinic. Dr S was so warm today and answered any and all questions I had, and my nurse gave me a little good luck gift! She came in at the end, teared up, and asked if we wouldn't mind if she prayed for us- so so sweet of her and incredibly thoughtful. I really do love our clinic. We relaxed in the room for a half an hour or so, then headed back for post-transfer acupuncture. I totally fell asleep during that one, but am glad we did it.

So I'm officially in the TWW.

0 dp 6 dt.

God I hope this works. I want all of the heartbreak of these last 8 weeks to be worth something. I have gone through so much, emotionally, let so many balls drop, damaged friendships, and I have to hope that it won't be for nothing. Or irreparable, for that matter. Other than relaxing and getting at least one of these darned embryos to stick, I have a couple of important people to make amends with, because above all else?

None of this matters if I don't have people to share it with.

Meet our take 2 embies... Hundreds of differentiated
AA cells, just waiting to be our kids... They're so much
bigger than last time! So many more cells!!!

My embies are lazy (8dp5dt) (edited)

Which would make sense, since they're half me. I was kindof hoping they'd get the half-my-husband in that department though.

They're still failing to give me any appreciable sign that they're still in there. Two more days of pee sticks, two more big fatty white spaces where a second line should be. I added the First Response Early Results into the mix yesterday, and they're just as pasty white. Maybe if I sent them to the tanning salon they'd respond better?

I had my blood draw this morning. Good times with a mid-forearm vein. Should get the results in a few hours. I'm hoping beyond hope that there's something still in there, just slowly stretching and getting into the hcg-producing swing of things. Slowly. Agonizingly slowly.

Yesterday and Friday were the days of grief. I was finally confronted with the very real possibility that this wouldn't work. That I'd fall into the 30-40% chance of failure, rather than the 60-70% chance of success that Dr S gave me. When he walked out of the room after the transfer, he said that he had no doubt in his mind that they'd be calling me with good news this week. I'm pretty sure the good news wasn't that we'd be sending more $$ their way in a month or two.

Today is more of a numb day. I'm slowly transitioning into the worst phase of my end-of-cycle processing- false hope. You know, the justification part? Well, it was probably just a bad batch of tests. It's still too early to really know. They could just be super-late implanters. Tests have been wrong before! The false hope makes you feel like a complete dupe when the truth comes out, but at least it's kept me from sobbing in front of computer models this morning.

Yes, we have 8 embies on ice waiting in the wings. Yes, they're probably pretty good quality. Yes, I'm still 29. Yes, we still have time. Blah, blah, blah.

Those aren't the things you want to hear when you're facing a BFN after something you thought would get you your take home baby. A great way to celebrate the holidays is with a BFP! Not a bottle of spiced wine. I just feel like I've let everyone down so far, with my mom coming up to take care of me through the retrieval/transfer, and the second beta being drawn on her birthday. And poor Dr Boy, who's rushed home each night to make sure that I had dinner and my PIO injection, and that our diabetic cat was taken care of so I could slack it up on the couch.

The best part is that the in-laws are heading over this afternoon when we get off work to celebrate Christmas with us, since we'll be heading down to So Cal to spend it with my family. You know how my blog title is Meier Madness? It originally stemmed from what I call the trips they take to visit us. While I love them to death, and they truly are wonderful loving people, high doses of the Meier's can be a lot to handle. A lot. And while they know that we'll be finding out some time this week whether we were successful or not, I just don't want to let them into this inner circle quite yet. If today is a false negative, I don't want to drag them down, or have them try to lift me back up. I'm not in the mood. I want to sulk, or celebrate, in peace with Dr Boy. But we won't get to do that. And EVEN better, they're spending the night, so we won't have our time alone until we both get home from work tomorrow. Fab.

I hope I'm just overreacting. I'm good at that. I hope that at least one of these guys chose to stick around. I really just want my Hanukkah miracle.

Please?
--------------------------------------------------
Today's beta came back at less than 5. Guess I'm hoping for a miracle on Tuesday.

Depression Hurts. A baby can help.

I'm not good at the TWW. I'm 10 DPO today. No testing yet.

I get depressed. I've suffered from clinical depression since my senior year in college. I started to see a therapist for a little while, then started Lex.apr.o. I felt a whole lot better, but a little numb. Like, couldn't cry during dumb movies, which for me was a huge difference.

When we decided to TTC, I weaned off the drugs. I let it take three months to wean off a silly 10mg rx. But I did it, and I was *ok*. Ish. Fast forward three years, because we're coming up on the anniversary of when I officially stopped taking the drugs altogether. I still go through rough patches, for sure. I can feel them coming on, and it usually last a few days.

Retreat, ignore phone calls, make excuses not to see people. Take on a cranky pants attitude with Dr Boy. Take long afternoon naps, refuse to cook. Sometimes it's bad enough that I'll call in sick to work. But I know I come out of it within a couple of days. It's often preceded by a few days that are just awesome. Like the universe balancing me out- can't have too much happiness now, that's not in the cards.

The happy this time around has been a series of amazing workouts. I've been running again, and Monday night I went to a swim class again. I kicked ass in swim, and while I'm still one of the worst runners in my class, I'm getting better. Stronger.

So of course the sinking started Tuesday. I can't focus at work. I have quite literally done ZERO work at work this week. I feel awful and sick to my stomach admitting that, but it's the truth. I have been getting headaches every afternoon. I've been short with Dr Boy. I mustered up enough energy to make pasta and leftover chicken for dinner.

I hate it.

I know I'll be ok. I really just want this to be worth it. Living better through a chemical-free lifestyle better be worth it.

Please just let this be the time it works.

TVT

Vom-a-long-a-ding-dong

• The TWW sucks. As usual, I'm over it, and I'm only, like, three days in really. Today I'm 3DPO but it kindof feels like a year. The nice thing is that there are a whole BUNCH of bloggie peeps (please don't unfriend me for using the word "peeps") that are sitting in this mess within a couple days of me, so that makes me feel better. We'll spread/share the crazy amongst ourselves.
• My boobs hurt. More in the nip-region than last time's all-over pain, but still? All over pain is there. 
• I had my third running group meeting last night, and it felt *gasp* good! Last week I was pretty pissed at myself because I could really feel how badly I had let my fitness slip during the summer. Last night, I could still feel it, but not quite as much. I could almost run around the 1/4 mile track without stopping, and I'm not all that sore this morning (whereas the day after my first run I could barely make it up the stairs to my office). I call that progress! They bribed us with a free hat if we show up to 7/10 of the first sessions. I respond to bribery well, and am 3/4, the first of which I missed only because I had to work.
• We also worked a little on core after running which I despise like the devil that it is. Devil, I tell you!!! I did planks, but skipped out on the crunches. I justified it by telling myself that I didn't want to crunch the embryo that's busy getting ready to shove itself in my ute. I feel no guilt.
• My baby brother's coming to town this weekend... woot! So excited to show him around our town. 
• Did I mention I was bored? TWW's are boring. 
• I have a POAS plan. I will FOR SURE be peeing a week from Sat, Oct 8th, which will be 12DPO. That was the day last round that AF showed up, and I don't want that to be how I find out. I *might* test at 11DPO, but only if I'm feeling the same super cramps that I did last time. Again, no surprises. 
• Which reminds me, I haven't been testing out the trigger. Ooops. It took seven days last time, so I'll pee tomorrow at 5DPO and see what I see. I love internet cheapies. 

And that is all the vomit I can compile for this week (other than the lemon basil that one of the cats vommed yesterday thankyouverymuch). I think Natalie or Oak should start up a little linky, yeah? So we can make sure not to miss all of everyone else's spew?

Does this shade of crazy look good on me?

Apparently it does. To recap the drama'z:

CD15: estadiol 84, all follies under 10mm, decide to *try* to keep going another few days
CD16/17: IVF/FET freakout
CD18: estradiol 226, yippee! U/S scheduled for CD20
CD19: estradiol 428, extra yippee!
CD20: Ultrasound showed an 18.5mm follie on lefty, and a 15mm and 14mm on righty. Uterine lining 9.4mm (up from 8.2 for IUI #1)

Score! It would appear that my body thrives on crazy, which is a good thing because I don't see that changing any time soon. We decided to trigger that night (which was Saturday), then do the IUI Monday morning. Rock the heck on! Even better was having Dr Boy at the ultrasound so he could see the excitingness that is a successful follicle-finding ultrasound. Bonus: He was able to reschedule his first hour of patients Monday morning so he could be there when the plunger was pushed :) Silly, but still meaningful to me. And him. Saturday night's trigger was super easy, again, the easiest shot of the 18 we had to administer this go-around.

It didn't end up going as smoothly as we had hoped Monday morning. We dropped off the goods, and came back an hour later for our 8:40am appt. OK, we actually showed up about 15 min before that in hopes that we could get the show on the road, and DB to his clinical duties asap. We let them know we were back, and proceeded to see everyone else in the waiting room enter, then exit the dr's offices. Dr Boy can get a wee bit high strung sometimes, especially when it comes close to him being late for something. Like work. Which cannot happen. By 8:55am, we asked the receptionist what the heck was going on, because if we didn't get called back in the next minute or two, DB was going to have to leave. She said we were "coming right up."

Didn't happen. DB left at 9am. There was much anxiety on his part, but I was doing my best to stay in my zen place for happy fertilizing. I was called back at 9:10, and when questioned about the timeliness (or lack thereof) of the appt, the NP performing the IUI proclaimed that she wasn't running late! Yeah, 30 minutes past an appt time generally constitutes running late, but whatever. Zen place. It is what it is, and the fact that Dr Boy was able to come to the appt sat, and be there for at least the waiting on in the morning was wonderful. I asked about the stats, but all they note is whether the post-wash sample has > 20 mil and > 50% motility. Which is did :)

Despite the pre-game dramaz, the IUI went very well (I think). I definitely felt the catheter going past the cervix because I'm blessed (ha!) with a super-sensitive cervix, but there was no pain or cramping the rest of the day like IUI #1. There was quite a bit of discharge about an hour later though, which combined with the lack of pain makes me worried that the sample wasn't deposited in my ute. Again, going to my zen place, because it is what it is at this point. Surely she knew what she was doing, right? Right? And if not, well, we supplemented the process just in case.

So now I'm 1 DPO and on the crazy scale? Probably down around a 1 or so. Fantasticness.

So there you have it.... from inaction to insemination in seven days flat! And the boobs are already getting sore so I know there's at least some progesterone floating around my system.

I'm.... dare I say it... excited!

And for you, dear readers, I have a question- what do you all do during the TWW to promote implantation? I don't have enough crazy going on right now, and I desperately need help coming up with something to fill that void! Hope you're all well!

(PS- come on, you know you want to "join this site" google-style... giveaway at 50!)

Nope.

I'll write more later, but it'll have to be when I'm done crying.

Didn't work. Got my period late this morning.

Had a feeling. Started testing Saturday when my boobs felt like literally cutting them off would feel better than leaving them attached, then the cramping started up. On and off, but more on than off. Then AF late this morning. Eff. Mother effing effer.

I'm still holding out hope for a few people out there this cycle- at the very least Ericka at This Hampton Life. She's be testing on Wednesday.

Thanks to everyone else out there waiting... and I'll be back when I can hold it together longer. Thanks for all the good wishes this cycle. I really, truly couldn't have made it this far without you guys. Really. You're my heroes :)

7DPO. I'm bored.

The TWW is so very, very boring. You can't drink, you don't get wanded, you don't have to worry that you're drinking enough water to keep the blood draw from being a debacle.What is there to do, you ask? See how long it takes your HCG trigger to leave the bloodstream. Just to make absolute *sure* you're not some freak-of-nature trigger-holder-onto-er.

Cropped so you don't have to see the pee side of the stick. You're welcome.

As you can see, I am not. Phew! This morning (the bottom stick), there was an extremely faint line that the camera didn't pick up, but I'm content that it's gone. It's funny how exciting it is to see two lines show up on one of those things, even if it's only because you injected the damn hormone it reads into your ass. Or rather had your own personal Dr Boy do it. Same deal. Even funnier is how exciting it is to slowly see the line go away!


Now that it's gone, I'm IMPATIENTly waiting for it to come back. We'll see how I do staying away from testing this weekend... Only symptoms right now include sore boobs. Since 3DPO. I'm sure that's just the progesterone the corpus luteum is releasing, and it's a bit reassuring actually. Something to prove my body just *might* be spitting out what it's supposed to.

For now, I have the next few days to get the house ready to host my BIL and SIL for the long weekend. We're having a BBQ at the house on Sunday, too, so there's list-making, shopping, cleaning, and organizing to do for that.

Happy Hump-Day, everyone!

Thought Vomit Thursday

Yes, I know it's Friday, but as Oak and Natalie have said numerous times, there are no rules to TVT! The only rule of TVT is to spew whatever's on your mind at the time, and to use bullets.

Here I go!

- My boobs started hurting yesterday, which makes me fairly certain that I ovulated on Wednesday right on schedule for the IUI. This makes me happy :) It also leads me to believe that my corpus luteum is doing what it's supposed to, becoming a little progesterone factory until something else can take over. There's hope for me yet! (all that to say i'm 2dpo)

- I'm hpt-ing until I get a solid BFN, just so I know for certain that the HCG trigger has left my bloodstream. I've done two so far, both positive. It's a little unnerving getting a BFN for the first time ever- even though I know it's a big fat lie. I don't mind wasting the tests, because we all know I'm crazy and have a zillion of them.

- My life has been forever changed by this post. Mind. Blown.

- I would really love for the stim-bloat to GO the eff AWAY. I'm still up a solid 5 pounds from the day I took my first shot, 16 days ago.

- I'm hosting a Labor Day BBQ next weekend. That means that lots of people will be in my house. Which means I should probably finish unpacking all the boxes that I've avoided for the last four months. To motivate ourselves, we decided that we'd hire a house-cleaning service to do the cleaning as long as ALL THE BOXES ARE UNPACKED. I made the appt, so I now have a LOT to do in the next week.

- I'm hosting a Labor Day BBQ next weekend. That also means I need to buy a big folding table so I can actually serve people food. I also want to make sangria, so I need a dispenser for that too. Any suggestions.

- Related, I am in need of a good sangria recipe. STAT.

That's all the vom I've got for now. If you're on the east coast, enjoy Irene! I wish I were there to experience it too.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Just keep swimming swimming

My lovely friend N sent this to me today-
isn't the look on that guy's face classic? Love it!

We are officially two week waiting! Took the juice to the clinic at 7:40am, and we were back in the room by 8:30am doing the dirty with a catheter. Dr Boy was able to go, which made me happy. It also made HIM happy to hear that the count was over 20 million with over 50% motility. Post-wash. Glad ONE of us works right ;)

Dr Poor bedside manner (who is actually really awesome now that he knows DH is a dr) did the insemination as awesome Dr K is still on leave. While he was gentle, I still felt crampy all day. I'm the girl who thinks pap smears hurt and cause cramping, so it's no surprise that it's still on the uncomfortable side. If THIS hurts, I don't even want to imagine what's gonna happen in 9 months. But I digress. (who says digress? really.)

I'm amazed at how quickly it went by. I did get to lay around for 10-15 minutes, and was told to come back in 2 weeks for a blood test. Dr PBM is pretty convinced I'll either end up pregnant (he said he really liked my follicles) or get my period in 2 weeks. I was skeptical based on my long-ass cycles before, but he seems to think that based on the kind of induced O we for sure had, AF will come a knockin' at the right time. Though hopefully the right time will be some time in 2012 or 13 :) Oh, and he doesn't think we need any sort of progesterone supplements for now, so I'm hoping he's right.

Ahhhhh!!!!!!!! What the HECK am I going to do to distract myself now?????

Naked. In the Backyard.

(Otherwise known as "I am my father's daughter")

Yesterday was a good, productive day. I ran some errands on the way home from vanpool, needing some additional groceries (milk and cheese) for a new recipe I wanted to try for dinner. I really wanted to get a jump start on cooling when I got home, as I planned on making some freezer meals (banana nut muffins and twice-baked potatoes) too. Ended up pulling up to the house at around 5pm, not too shabby, I thought!

Then I realized. My neighbors had my house keys (from petsitting over the weekend). The spare set? Sitting on the key hook. In the house. Locked out. The key-wielding neighbors weren't home, and Dr Boy was 40 minutes away.

1. It was not cool out. It was not warm out. It was HOT out. The hottest day of the year so far.

2. I was wearing my best Pioneer Woman impersonation getup- floral tunic top, jeggings, and brown boots. Not the best choice for a triple-digit day. Already sweating because of the errands and hot cars and the like.

I couldn't justify running the A/C in the car for 45 minutes, so I did what any respectable floozy woman does- stripped down to a tanktop and underwear and hung out in the backyard. And called Dr Boy to come home, STAT. And watered the garden. And tweeted.

Dr Boy came home rather quickly and was horrified to see me lounging so immodestly in the yard. "What if the neighbor's popped by?????" Really? They've never just "popped by" before! The fences would have kept anyone from calling the cops on me. It was quite freeing, actually.


I told my mom about it this morning, and she just laughed. My father is a bit absent-minded when it comes to stuff like that too (not the clothing-optional part, just the keys/wallet/watch kind of thing), and she said it sounded just like him. Guess I'm not a milkman baby!

While waiting in the yard I did get to see a pretty gnarly squirrel fight- three of them flailing about in one of the trees next to the fence. One of them had a giant nutsac. It was not pretty. (before you judge me from checking out the squirrel's nads, I swear, you couldn't NOT see them. They were HEEEE-YOOOGE) I wish I had had the fancy-pants camera.


So that was my evening. I still made the muffins and potatoes and dinner (including this beet and goat cheese risotto which was phenomenal). Triumph!


I'm about to head out to my first visit with the new IF doctors. Wish me luck!

Oh yeah- and did I mention today I'm 14DPO? Not pregnant. Another BFN. I cried over it when I tested prematurely on Sat, so I'm over the mega-emotional part. On to the next cycle. With my new Drs.

One of those days

It all started with a rash.

Mmmm hmmm, a rash. Tues night I noticed that my right ear was itchy, and by Wed, the whole back-side of it was rashy and itchy and warm. I tried to get a dr appt for that day, but no luck. Had to wait until this afternoon. Whatever. Went in today because it's pretty much completely covering my ear and is slowly making its way down my neck. Super duper sexy. Either Dr Boy learned some fantabulous lying skills over the last few months, or it really isn't noticeable. Just itchy. As as hell. Turns out it's just a run-of-the-mill case of eczema brought on by some sort of seasonal allergy (which I have never had before).

There are four ways I see our romantic anniversary weekend in Napa going.

1. Me: "Oh honey, whisper sweet nothings in my ear..."

Dr Boy: "I am, you just can't hear me through the steroid cream."

2. Dr Boy: "I love nuzzling your ear. Steroid cream is SUCH an aphrodisiac."

3. Me: "Hey cutie, do you think steroid cream is more effective than PreSeed?"

Dr Boy: "I was wondering if it'll give the sperm 'roid rage..."

4. Ignore my ears and neck the whole weekend until the rash goes away and I no longer smell like steroid cream.

I have a feeling the choice will be obvious.

While at the office though, I turned into a hormonal lump and proceeded to lose my shit over a silly little brochure on the wall while I waited for the dr to come see me.

This little gem was starting me in the face, asking me in the bitchiest sarcastic tone (trust me, I KNOW a sarcastic pamphlet when I see one), "So, gonna get preggo or not? What's it gonna be? Hurry the hell up!" All of the this-cycle-is-pointless thoughts came flooding out in the form of torrential tears. It's day 9 of the TWW, and the only "symptoms" I can come up with are the irrational losing of one's shit over a stupid pamphlet on the wall. My stomach's a little crampy, but there's been no implantation bleeding, no nausea, no tiredness other than the usual, no nada. Is my new rash a pregnancy symptom?

Of course, it's only DAY FREAKIN' NINE what the hell symptoms could you possibly have, but still. Irrationality knows no bounds.

I stopped crying before the dr came in thank god. I very nearly lost it again when she asked me about the fact that there was no birth control listed on my chart. I told her we're actively seeking pregnancy and have been for 2 1/2 years. First, she asked me if I knew how (again with the How question, kills me every time). Second, she tried to hand me that pamphlet. I recoiled as if it were a venomous snake. Sorry doc, I'm pretty sure I know a hell of a lot more than is in that darned pamphlet. But thanks for the concern.

I am scared though. Is there a pregnancy in my future? Someday? Will I be able to handle that if there's not? Will my family? I'm the only hope for a bio grandchild for my parents. Bio grandkids and bio kids aren't a HUGE deal to me, it's more the whole getting to carry a child in my womb thing. The whole being able to actually MAKE a baby. The possibility that that's not going to happen for me is what I really lost my shit over. I know we'll be parents, one way or another. I just really, really, would like it to be this way, at least first.

So that's the story of how my rashy ear caused me to lose my shit over a freakin' pamphlet. I'm good at crying, at least that's something I can relate to with my future baby!

We leave for the weekend in Napa tomorrow after work. Here's to hoping I'm not as big of an emotional mess there!

Fat chance.

Five Years

So I'm two days late in posting this, but that's the way I usually am with the important things in life. Friday was the 5 year anniversary of the day I said "I do" to Dr Boy. We have been married for 5 years and 2 days. In the fall, we'll have been in eachother's lives for 12 years. Holy crap.

Five years ago, in 100+ degree sunshine, we walked down the aisle.

 We signed our marriage contract, said our vows.

We were lucky enough to celebrate with most of our closest family members and friends, and to be honest, had an absolute blast. (We ignored the events of the night before, and the night before that. One of these days I'll tell you about the aftermath of the bachelor and bachelorette parties. Good grief.) I've never felt more beautiful in my life. I distinctly remember looking in the mirror before my father took me down the aisle, crying, and saying to him "I'll never be this beautiful EVER AGAIN." Insert rolled eyes and head-shaking at me here.

  

There are a few things I would have done differently with regards to the wedding itself, but the marriage? Agreeing to spend my life with the one man I've ever dated? Best decision ever.

And now back to the present.

We're on day 5 of the TWW. Had a glass of wine or two in the first few days, but had my last at our anniversary dinner Friday night. I feel a wee bit guilty, but hey, there wouldn't have been implantation yet anywho, right? We all caffeine and alcohol free now for the duration. I don't know what it is, but I'm feeling a bit of hope again with this round. I don't know if it's the whole first cycle post-HSG thing, or if it's because I felt ovulation pains for the first time, or the glow of the anniversary. Whatever it is, I'm hopeful. And probably just setting myself up for a bigger let-down.


But for now, I'll take hopeful. While it lasts.

Here we go again

This is Hannah's conflicted face:

She wants to ride in the car, but without the infernal seatbelt.

I'm conflicted.

Not sure whether to be happy or sad this cycle. There have been some positive moments- hitting CD1 in time to do the contraction-inducing HSG before I left for my trip to the Midwest, ovulation waiting until after I got back from the Midwest, crampy ovaries yesterday so I had a STRONG feeling I'd be getting a +OPK this morning. Which I did (on CD20, right at the end of my window)- yay for that. No really, I mean it. I'm glad I'm approaching some sense of "normalcy" with my cycle, even if it is 50 days long and includes a 30 day luteal phase.

I just don't know how idiotic it is to think that it may actually produce my BFP. Let's be honest, we've had lots of cycles over the course of the last two and a half years. Not as many as a NORMAL person, since I only really started cycling on my own in November and even since then it's nearly every two months. But I did have a couple of clomid cycles, non-clomid-ed cycles induced by provera, and the most recent ones. None have worked, and this one is au-natural except for a few pee-sticks and the metformin and synthroid I've been on the last 6 months. Oh, and pre-seed. (which creeps me out but i'd like to stack the deck in my favor thanksforasking) 


I guess in the grand scheme of things, it's not so many BFN cycles, but it sure as hell feels like it to me. I think it's the time more than anything else. Dr Boy and I started trying to conceive before I turned 27. I have now reached the point where I will have a full-term child before I turn 30 ONLY if I get preggo this cycle (ha). Thirty isn't that old, I know. It's just a milestone I had always imagined passing with two children in my arms. Two. And now I'm fighting for one. I don't want to cry about it again. I just want something to happen.

My first appt with the new RE dept is scheduled for June 15th. That'll be 15DPO, or CD34. Good timing, I guess, in that regard. We'll know if this attempt worked, and will be able to start a fully monitored cycle with a Dr, knowing fully that we've tried. And god knows we'll try this time around (hey! TMI police!). Our five-year wedding anniversary is on Friday. I have to work 6am shifts through the weekend, but we're still finding time to have a nice dinner and night out together.

The bad timing that seems to haunt me comes next weekend, when we're heading to Napa to do a real anniversary celebration. Smack dab on days 9 through 11 of the TWW. Early enough to where I might be able to get a faint BFP, but not late enough to be certain of a BFN. Which means I am going to wine country. Sober. (Insert advice to see someone about my need to drink copious amounts of wine HERE.) Not how I imagined spending the trip. If I wanted to go somewhere to NOT drink, there are a thousand places within driving distance that would be higher on the list. So I get pissed off about infertility and the bottles of wine I can't have because of it, the pissy-ness made more acute by the fact that I have no faith in this cycle anyways. And if I have no faith in the cycle why not just drink while I'm there? Or not even try? But we WILL try. And I WON'T drink. I'll just be pissy about it.


So there. I'm pissy, hopeless, ranting, and cranky. Already. Great place to be the morning you get your positive OPK, right?

Oh, and did I mention the father-in-law is coming to town for dinner tonight? Consider the mood set.

(maybe I'll be positive tomorrow. we'll see.)

Wordless Wednesday

No surprise here.

Disclaimer: Taken 15DPO. It cost 99.9 cents. For realz.

The day I was too chicken-shite to pee on a stick.

That would be today, sports fans.

14 DPO today.

Might I be preggo? Yeah.

Will the world find out today? No.

My boobs don't hurt very much any more, so it's nice that that phase is over. I'm on cycle day 34, if anyone's counting. I am. But only loosely, since my cycle seems to have taken on a 47 day life of its own. That's approximately the length of time a squirrel gestates, for those of you that were wondering. Which of course, is all of you.

Maybe my acupuncturist will talk me into it tomorrow.


edited to add: Pissed at Dr Boy. Did he ask me once today if I POAS? No. Did he realize we did like bunnies two weeks ago? Does he know how all of this makes me feel? I wish he expressed more often that he was invested in the process.

12 DPO. Is it Tuesday yet?

Last set of night shifts? Done.

Office Farewell party? Done.
(Side note: Thank you to my boss, for the lovely office gifts. While the dinner gift card will be awesome, I did not need a beanie with our work logo. Promise. Or a poster of the state of California.)
(Second side note: I swear I'm not an ingrate. Just judgey.)

Peeing On a Stick? Not quite yet.

I can't say I'm afraid of seeing another negative, just more expectant. My boobs feel like they've taken on a life of their own this week. I swear, I woke up yesterday afternoon (night shifts = sleeping 'til 2pm.... errr 3pm), they felt so engorged that they could have had their own orbit. And sore. They're still as "hold me when I go down stairs" attention whorey as they were before, too. But like I said before, that is the plague of my luteal phase. Otherwise, no preggo feelings. No nausea, no spotting. No nothing.

So I'm sure Tuesday won't bring any surprises.

8DPO, don't 'cha know

So according to a little fancy pee stick, I ovulated last Tuesday, which would put me at 8DPO today. I know you're supposed to behave like you're pregnant during the TWW, but I'm bad and have had a few cans of Cherry Coke Zero. You can't hold it against me though- I'm on night shifts this week. My very last night set of night shifts before moving to a job with all days. Halle-freakin-lujah. Besides, caffeine doesn't really count between the hours of 10pm and 5am. I can justify the caffeine by saying that surely my zygote hasn't implanted yet, right? Right?

And let's be honest- this is only the second cycle my body has produced on its own. So there's not much chance of it being successful. I mean, I ovulated on CD21, for godssake. That can't be a really fertile day to ovulate, right? I remember reading something about late ovulators having bad eggs... I should look it up but I'd rather convince myself that this cycle is futile. Leave it to my lazy ovaries to show up to the party late.

I don't FEEL preggo, though I don't really know what that feels like. I haven't had any implantation spotting, my stomach is feeling a wee bit crampy this morning, but it's probably from the spanikopita my coworker forced me to eat, you know, in the spirit of party-time-last-nights-working-together. I swear I'm being good food-wise the rest of the time. My boobs are sore, but that happened the last time I cycled on my own. Sore through the whole freakin' luteal phase. The last few days before my period, I had to hold the girls as I walked down stairs, the only alternative to wearing a sports bra permanently. Oh, and did I mention my last luteal phase lasted 27 days? For realz. That's a lotta sore boob-ness.

So let's hope that I haven't over-caffeinated the hypothetical brand new baby in my belly. The one I don't want to say I hope is there because I don't want to be disappointed again. The one I feel numb about hoping for, because it's easier to stay neutral than sob when you take the HPT on day 14. Which I'll do anyways 'cause that's how I roll.

God I'm whiny and anal-retentive.