Don't Listen to a Word I Say.... Hey!

Infertility is a bitch. 

Having an amazing community full of people like all of 'yall helps tame that bitch back a little bit with each comment, tweet, and email full of love and empathy. I can't tell you how much all of the above have meant to me (and Dr Boy) this week. It's made the big terrible awful more bearable. 

I know that it could be worse- but for us? Right now? This is the worse. I don't WANT to know worse than this, because it's pretty damn shitty as it is. 

But we will go on. We're on vacation right now- I may or may not have been at 13 kft today... straddled the equator... and tasted my first ceviche. Pretty damn amazing way to put all of this out of your mind, huh?

Our WTF appointment is Monday the 14th, the day after we get back. We'll make our final decision on when and what to do next, though it'll be for sure a fresh cycle of IVF since we have NO embies left. The big question is June or July, but it's looking likely to be June. Because it feels good to keep moving, you know?

After our failed IVF in December, that Florence + the Machine song Shake It Out was big. Every time I heard it, I wept buckets. Uncontrollable. Pretty much as hard as I cried when I thought Mulder died in the train car buried in the New Mexico desert at the end of Season 3 of the X Files. 

At the end of FET #1 (which I just called FET at the time- you know, wishful thinking?), I heard Little Talks by Of Monsters and Men while driving home from work after receiving the results. It seemed especially fitting for the chemical pregnancy, and I would lose my shit whenever I heard it. And it would appear that I still do. This one is the soundtrack to our failed frozen cycles. 

I'll leave you with the lyrics. So much meaning to me in all of them, every verse. It's no wonder it turns me into an emotional wreck. 

I don't like walking around this old and empty house.So hold my hand, I'll walk with you my dear


The stairs creak as I sleep, it's keeping me awakeIt's the house telling you to close your eyes
Some days I can't even dress myself.It's killing me to see you this way.


'Cause though the truth may varythis ship will carry our bodies safe to shore.
Hey! Hey! Hey!


There's an old voice in my head that's holding me backWell tell her that I miss our little talks.
Soon it will all be over, buried with our past

We used to play outside when we were youngand full of life and full of love.
Some days I feel like I'm wrong when I am right.Your mind is playing tricks on you my dear.


'Cause though the truth may varyThis ship will carry our bodies safe to shore


Hey!Don't listen to a word I sayHey!The screams all sound the same.Hey!
Though the truth may varythis ship will carry our bodies safe to shore


You're gone, gone, gone away, I watched you disappear.All that's left is a ghost of you.

Now we're torn, torn, torn apart, there's nothing we can do,

Just let me go, we'll meet again soon.
Now wait, wait, wait for me, please hang aroundI'll see you when I fall asleep.


Hey!Don't listen to a word I sayHey!The screams all sound the same.Hey!


Though the truth may varythis ship will carry our bodies safe to shore


Thanks, LyricsMania

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Now we're off... no more interwebz for over a week! See ya'll when I return!

Nope-si-daisy (7dp6dt, beta #1)

I peed on a FRER yesterday and this morning, and the beta confirmed it.

Less than 5.

Not pregnant.

Again.

Repeat beta on Wednesday, just to make sure. Continuing meds until then because why the eff not. Honestly, I'm hoping with everything I have in me that it stays negative so we don't have to ride the hellish chemical rollercoaster again.

At 13dpo, a negative beta is a bad thing, even if the 15dpo comes back positive. It really just is, and there's no way around it.

Thank fucking god we're going on vacation at the end of the week. I think our tropical destination sounds like the perfect place to decide how we're going to come up with another $13,000 after just buying a house. Oh, and whether we want to part with that cash in June or July. And what the FUCK to change so this shit works.

When I arrived at the lab this morning, the women checking me in said (and I kid you not) "You must love getting this test! You've had so many!" Instead of violence, I told her we just haven't gotten the right answer yet. And promptly lost my shit in front of her.

I think we're up to about a seven layer shit cake by now.



(and whoever the FUCK signed me up for daily inspirational emails can eff the eff off.)

squashing The Fear (3dp6dt)

I'm finding myself in a tough place today. Bedrest is over, and while I ended up excruciatingly bored by yesterday, I don't want to be here at work. I feel like at least doing nothing was doing *something*, and now I'm doing something but *nothing* to help our little embies stick. I haven't felt much of anything yet, aside from a bit of uterine cramping tuesday night (1dp6dt). There's maybe some discomfort today and yesterday, but no twinges or spotting or anything that would lead me to believe that the dudes are still partying it up in my ute.

I have so much fear and anxiety with this cycle suddenly, fear that started on Monday but didn't really manifest until I left the house this morning and was faced with the Real World again.

I am afraid that this cycle will end up as another negative.

I am afraid that this cycle will end up as another chemical. I am afraid we will lose tons of money by cancelling our vacation.

I am afraid that we made the wrong decision to thaw ALL SIX of our remaining snowbabies and only transferred two. I am sad for the two that didn't survive the thaw, and even sadder for the two that did but not well enough to rate being transferred or refrozen. I wonder if the same decision would have been made by another clinic, and I'm sad that they weren't even given a chance at success. I'm afraid we were greedy by trying for better quality, because clearly that route hasn't worked for us so far.

I am afraid of going through another fresh IVF cycle, knowing how hard one is and that we will max out our insurance benefits by doing so. I know I *can* get through a fresh cycle, but I also know how hard it is.

I am afraid that whatever isn't working can't be fixed.

I am afraid we'll hit our limit before our family is complete.

All A'board... again

Oh, and happy ICLW! I'm only two days late on that one... oops. Seriously, hi to all of you stopping by through ICLW. In a nutshell, I have PCOS, and ovaries who value quantity over quality. After failing the clo clo challenge, we moved strait to injectables, and had a hard time getting my oves to respond with much of anything there. After two BFN's, we did our first IVF cycle in Nov/Dec. That ended in a BFN, and our FET in Feb ended up in a crappy chemical. You've caught us right at the precipice of our second FET... and had our transfer today!

Dr Boy and I had a pretty fabulous weekend, though it was ridiculously hot and humid here, completely uncharacteristic of the area. Our alma mater had a huge parade/open house/festival type thing and we saw a ton of old friends from undergrad, then on Sunday we took an impromptu trip to Napa. Much needed R&R to relax pre-transfer!

Today didn't really go as well as either of us would have liked. It started off well- finished up some laundry, changed the sheets, cut my pineapple, threw dinner in the crockpot, and headed to pre-transfer acupuncture. I left super relaxed and went to the clinic. Just before we got there, Dr Boy got a call from our RE. The thaw was not going well. 

Our plan was to thaw each embryo individually until we ended up with two high quality ones to transfer. We had three day 6 embies left, 1 day seven frozen alone, and 2 day sevens frozen together. After going through the three day 6's and the 1 day 7, we had one that survived at 80%, two at 60%, and one at 50%. We were going for two 80's. The RE wanted permission to thaw the last two we had, which we agreed to. As that was going on, one of the 60%ers fragmented more and we were down to an 80, a 60, and two 50s. We had, in one transfer, blasted through all six of our remaining embryos from December's IVF. We've got nothing left. If this doesn't work, it's back to the drawing board (and bank account, and ER).

At this point, thoughts of transferring more than two were floating around, risks were being evaluated, tears were flowing, and my adrenaline pretty much killed any buzz I would have gotten from the valium. We hung out for another hour waiting for the last two to thaw, then headed back to the transfer room. 

PDLAMBLATI- Complements of Her Royal Fabulousness

and Cristy's Fertility Sock Exchange!

Finally, we got the good news that one of those last two thawed at 80% (and the other at 65%) so were able to transfer that and the other (which had started hatching while we waited, apparently- sweet!). After transfer, the embryologist checked the catheter to make sure all babies were on board, and low and behold, we had a holdout! 

"I've still got one here!" So, in goes the catheter again, another swoosh and flash shows up on the u/s monitor, and we finally got the all clear that the ute party had started. 

Post-transfer acupuncture helped me calm down, but it was not quite the zen-like magical moment I had hoped for. AND my car** hit 66,666 miles as we drove home. I take this to mean I am carrying Dr Boy's devil spawn. Of course. 

Spawn 1 and Spawn 2 (lefty is the sticky, day 7 embie

and righty is the more easy going hatching day 6-er)

(dark spots are the parts which didn't survive thaw, called fragmentation)

So now we wait... and rest... and bribe these embies with cookies and pineapple and other delights while we pray that someone decides to stick around for the long haul this time. We are super lucky at least... our clinic does the first beta at 13dpo, which for us will be 7dp6dt. Only a one. week. wait.

Beta in 7 days...

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**The car we bought four years ago when we decided to start trying. It was brand new. And had 1,000 miles on it. Yeah. That car. Piece of advice, guys? Don't buy the car until you're effing pregnant and damn near bursting your waters. </end public service announcement/bitter infertile rant>

Thick like...

...butter?

...sliced bread?

...a good roux?

...uhhh... a fantastic uterine environment that makes you want to snuggle in for 9 months?

Yeah, I don't know. But forgive the lapse in good metaphors, because I'm busy being happy that my uterine lining came looked fantastic at our ultrasound this morning. We're exactly one week out from FET numero dos, and already things are going so much better than last time! In February, my lining never climbed higher than 7.9mm, and actually thinned out a little before transfer. This time, we're already at 9.3mm! Yowzers!

We joked that my ute was thanking us for giving her such a nice saline bath last week... a girl like's to feel clean and pretty, you know? She likes her spa days! My trilaminar pattern really did look textbook perfect. Way better than it did last time, and better than with our fresh cycle in Dec.

I had a bad dream that at the u/s, the were hundreds of mature follies apparent on my oves, and that the RE was mad that I didn't agree to using lupron this cycle. Oooops. In reality, everything's still nice and quiet, and the decision hasn't come back to bite us in the ass (or sub-cutaneously, as you will).

Dr S even went as far as to say that we looked good enough to skip our final check on Friday, but I doubt we'll forgo that. I may not be the biggest fan of wandy mc vajercam, but I would just not feel right if this doesn't work, and wonder if there was something that we could have caught. No sir-ee-bob, we're going for one last date.


Dare I say it? I may actually have a hint of optimism this time around... for now...

Slightly boring PDLAMBLATI, but better than nothing!

The Ute? Still Cute.

We went ahead and had a saline sono yesterday. But let me back up to last Friday. It was effectively CD 1.5 by that time, and AF was in FULL effect with some serious cramping going on. When Dr S did the u/s (which is nasty pants that early in the cycle, right?) he noticed a little bit of irregularity in my ute, but it could easily be attributed to my lining being shed. We decided to do an additional u/s on Tuesday (yesterday), and decide at that point whether to throw some saline into the mix.

Fast forward to yesterday, and we decided to go ahead with it. There was still a wee bit of irregularities seen on the regular u/s, and my cycle ended early Monday. Turns out my ute is still super duper cute, no issues, just awesomely perfect looking lining. He spent plenty of time going through the ute and showing me where everything is (cervix, fallopian tube openings, air bubbles from the saline, etc). Pretty cool! Turns out my ute is smooth and a seemingly perfect implanty space. Score one for us!

He did find a small polyp on my cervix though, measuring 3mm. Pretty darned close to the opening, and pretty darned small, so we're not worried about it posing a threat to anything. It's way too far away from where the embies would be deposited.

I've had some seriously fierce cramping though, since yesterday. Way more than I did for my first saline sono back in Nov. Way more. Today it feels like my vageegee is bruised beyond any measure, and my ute did backflips all night. If I twist at all funny I end up with uterine spasms, still, 24-hrs later. All I want to do today is curl into a ball and sleep. It's frustrating, but we still have 12 days to transfer for my body to recover.

So for now, we'll focus on the positive- my womb is friendly, and is just getting a pre-marathon workout. Right?

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You know what also made me cranky today? Someone threw away the lunch I had put in the work fridge this morning. For serious??? They thought it felt "hard" (leftover subway sandwich) so they tossed it. Mother effers. Mother effing effers.

CD1. Again.

AF decided to rear her ugly head last night, right on schedule. I had been spotting super lightly since Monday, and finally started cramping yesterday afternoon. My acupuncturist said my pulses felt like I was about to pop- lovely, huh? Cramps have been pretty awful since last night which I honestly wasn't expecting considering we were only on 12 days of BCP. I realized though, that it had been two weeks since my last CD1 that we actually started BCP, so this cycle ended up being a near perfect 30 days. Go figure! Hoping beyond hope (like every time) that this is the last CD1 for quite some time.

We moved our monitoring blood draw and ultrasound until tomorrow to give things a chance to clear out a bit more, so we'll find out tomorrow morning what the saline sono status is. Has anyone heard of their RE not wanting to do one in the same cycle as a transfer? Just curious.

Let the games for FET #2 begin!

Other than that, just plugging along. An IRL IF-er friend suffered a devastating 19-week loss yesterday, so I've been having a bit of trouble coming to terms with that. I feel ridiculous for having problems MYSELF with something I didn't, nor ever have, experienced, but I still am. This poor woman had been through so many of the same things I had, and we transferred just two days apart back in December. My heart aches for her and her husband. More so than I thought I would.

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Other than THAT (and because I need to move on so I don't cry again today), I thought I'd share a few pictures of what's been going on lately. I love taking pictures. And I love seeing pictures I've taken. So you get to, too :)

So much fun. Saw it the day it came out :)
We kept joking that they were going to make us come
back the next day to see the "Games"

I have been making a few of these green smoothies.
You seriously can't taste the spinach!

This kept me very busy last week.
Very.

My flippin' hero today.
(not paid to say that)

Did I mention that THIS happened?
The day after I turned 30?
Ooops.
It did.

Off the pill

Or the birth control pills, anyways. Our last day was on Friday, so we're not just waiting for AF to arrive some time tomorrow or Wednesday, if my track record holds. I certainly won't complain when things do start rolling, because according to our u/s a week ago, my lining (after one week of BC, mind you) was already at a 6.5mm. Fairly certain we just didn't completely empty out once the chemical ended. Now *that's* a great mental image, huh?

Here's the calendar I promised last week... lupron-less and lovely.

I heart color coordinating!*
(click to zoom)

I may be done with the pill, and avoiding lupron like the plague, but I'm still on plenty of other fancies, of course. We're doing a course of doxycycline to prep for the saline sono I'll (hopefully**) get at the end of the week. That shiz makes me SOOOO naseous. If I don't get a substantial amount in me fore breakfast, the morning one makes me want to vom. So far, a single nutragrain bar is not enough, nor is a single nutragrain bar plus a cup of yogurt. Two donuts, however, are perfect. Damnit.

A recent IRL friend with IVF success let me know the course of vitamins and such that a clinic she had a consult with recommended. This was the formula that worked (after multiple failed fresh cycles and FETs) for her this time around (as well as the meds I normally take) so I thought what the heck! Can't hurt!

AM- Synthroid
         Doxycycline (after the 1-hr wait to eat, and eating)

NOON- Metformin
               Fish Oil

PM- Doxycycline
        Metformin
        Prenatal with > 4000 IU Vitamin A
        Baby Aspirin
        800mg Folic Acid
        Fish Oil
        Melatonin


If *that* isn't fun, then I don't know what is! At least I get to scratch the two doxy's off the list after tomorrow, and regain my naseau free mornings.

At least until this FET words, damnit. And then I will relish in the vomit-inducing awesomeness of pregnancy.

PDLAMBLATI from last Monday's appt.
Aside: why do ankle socks give me cankles? Discuss.

*Anyone want me to prettify their calendar? It's like crack to me.

**I may not be able to get the darned saline sono as previously requested. My RE "doesn't like to do them during the same cycle as the transfer", so we may avoid this time around. I'm pissed because he KNEW that I wanted it, and waited until it was too late (lining too thick even w bcp) to do one pre-transfer cycle. I don't think it was done intentionally, just more of a forgetful afterthought that frustrates me. He said he'll take a good look at the ute this week when I'm wanded to see if he thinks it's necessary. To which I still say that if you could SEE if it was necessary on a wanding, saline sono's wouldn't be done in the first place! Arg.

3 and 3

The grief never really goes away. Of 3 years and 3 months of trying to add a child into our marriage. Of believing that I could manipulate my body into doing my bidding. Of disappointment, of tears. Of the knowledge that it would never "just happen."

I've been dwelling on milestones a lot today. Had our IVF worked, I'd be 18 weeks along. We'd be finding out the gender of our child (or rather, I'd be arguing with Dr Boy over choosing to find out the gender of our child). I'm trying to garner excitement and support for those who I cycled with in December that are enjoying this milestone, but I have this nagging inside me that it's a fake smile and forced words coming out.

Had our last FET not resulted in a chemical, I'd be sure that our baby had a heartbeat. We'd have seen it, heard it. We'd possibly be graduating from the RE. We'd have less than a 5 percent chance of miscarriage.

I'm happy for all the ladies who I've cycled with and are out of the race. I really am. I'm just struggling with the "sad for me" part today*. I really am. The sadz are setting in hard core.

Dr Boy and I go to our first u/s and bloodwork appointment tomorrow for FET #2. Number two. Transfer number three. Our third set of embies. We'll be half way through our frozen stash, deeper in if some don't survive thaw. We're down to lower quality embies.

It's all a numbers game. And we, like so many of you, are NOT on the side of the numbers. Maybe just once, maybe this time, we will.


*it doesn't help that I hosted an infertility meetup brunch today, and I was stood up by the ladies who RSVP-ed yes. 

Ah burnt mah boobsicle

Yup, it was the first warm-ish and gorgeous day out here in sunny CA in a couple weeks, and my dumb butt goes and burns her decolletage while enjoying a lunch outdoors. Genius. Rockstar. Awesomesauce.

Hello, to all you ICLWers out there! Welcome to my world of failed IUIs, a failed fresh IVF cycle, and a chemical pregnancy from our first FET. You've caught me on the precipice of starting meds for our second FET, which will luckily be taking place with barely just enough time to get betas back before traveling out of the country. I look forward to reading many of your stories and meeting new friends out there to cheer on! For more on our story, check out the "Behind the Madness" and "Making a mini-Meier" tabs... you'll get all the sordid details.

When last you heard from me, I was in a pretty awesome depressive spiral about our chemical pregnancy, the one that felt like it would NEVER END. We had our SEVENTH beta this past Monday, and incredibly luckily, are finally off that train. Beta's officially back below 5, and I immediately took my first BCP for FET round 2. After a lot of support from Dr Boy, my family, good friends, and wine with The Womb Warrior, I was ready for whatever outcome the blood test gave us, but am thrilled at what did.

Our next protocol will be pretty tight, as I mentioned. Twelve BCPs, a couple of weeks of estrace suppositories, a few estradiol valerate shots here and there, and an official transfer date of April 23rd. A mere four weeks and four days away. (note the lack of lupron in our plan... SO HAPPY) Our first beta will be on April 30th, and the second on May 2nd. We're wheels up for lands afar at 9:30am on May 3rd. Hope the embies like to travel! I'll post our nicely color coded calendar tomorrow :)

Chemical WTF Appt (& gross picture)

Our appointment went well today. I do have to give my RE credit- he makes our WTF appointments very calming and relaxed***. He answers my questions fully, and takes my crazy seriously. Without overtly telling me I'm a freak. (always a bonus) He started out telling me that, obviously, they're all very sorry it ended up this way, but that he's glad we discontinued medication last week as he suggested. Talked about how in the vast majority of cases, chemical pregnancies are an embryo problem, not something stemming from the uterine environment. There is some weak evidence that these embryo problems occur more frequently in PCOS patients, but that whether it is or isn't, there's no reason we shouldn't keep going the way we are. I know he brought up more than that, but I just can't remember what exactly.

We talked about our next cycle- the one we will get to do in APRIL. Heck yeah. Next time the nurse freaks me out about waiting forever and a half to get back on the horse, please remind me that TWICE they've said that and TWICE the RE said we could pick right back up. Please. Remind me.

It felt like this is trying to claw its way out of my uterus.
Also, it's what I feel like I turn into while on Lupron. X-Files FTW!
AND! The reason I have a porta potty fear and can't step on shower drains.

Basically, we're going to test my HCG on Monday, and if we're back to not-pregnant status start BCP. Judging by what's turned into quite the vigorously painful AF from hell, he fully expects us to be back under 5 by then. I'll be on BCP for 2-3 weeks, then start estrace fun when CD1 arrives. We will NOT BE DOING LUPRON (what what!) this time around. He's pretty darned sure the estrogen and my shitty ovaries will keep me sufficiently suppressed, but in the event that a follie forms, we'll cancel and try again next cycle.


This is an acceptable risk for us. With the level of batshit crazy I developed while cycling on lupron, it is far more worth delaying ourselves a month than risking it again. I have no desire to go back on antidepressants, and I know that is exactly where I would have ended up had I needed that injection of liquid depression. He said it's a very small risk given my history, and we will gladly take it. Plus, he said the lack of suppression may actually help my lining develop a little better this time around. Win win for everyone!

I asked about repeating the HSG or saline sonogram just to make sure the ute is all cleared out from this month's debacle, and he was completely on board. We'll schedule that on Monday.

I also asked about IV intralipid therapy- and he's actually not really super keen on it. In fact, he split up with a previous practice he was working at in the early 90's because of a disagreement over its use. In his opinion, the benefits are not strongly enough proven that they overcome the risks involved. He did seem very knowledgeable about the procedure and all, just doesn't advocate it as a tool to increase chances of obtaining a healthy pregnancy. At least we'll save money there!

He also fully supported my trips to the acupuncturist through the entire cycle (including the pre and post transfer visits) which makes me happy. If nothing else, he appreciates it for its calming qualities.

We'll deal with an exact calendar when my SIXTH beta comes back on Monday, but we are good to go for some time in the end of April. Two day 6 embies, provided they survive the thaw. If not, we'll use one of the day 7s (right now we have 3 day 6's and 3 day 7's).

Before we leave for our vacation, we'll know.

This makes me very. very. very. happy.

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*** He may have also been placating me so I keep bringing them "I'm not mad at you for failing to get me pregnant" treats. I brought homemade english toffee for our Dec cycle, and these chocolate covered pretzels this time around.

Trader Joes Honey Wheat + Chocolate = Awesome