Friday, May 4, 2012

Don't Listen to a Word I Say.... Hey!

Infertility is a bitch. 

Having an amazing community full of people like all of 'yall helps tame that bitch back a little bit with each comment, tweet, and email full of love and empathy. I can't tell you how much all of the above have meant to me (and Dr Boy) this week. It's made the big terrible awful more bearable. 

I know that it could be worse- but for us? Right now? This is the worse. I don't WANT to know worse than this, because it's pretty damn shitty as it is. 

But we will go on. We're on vacation right now- I may or may not have been at 13 kft today... straddled the equator... and tasted my first ceviche. Pretty damn amazing way to put all of this out of your mind, huh?

Our WTF appointment is Monday the 14th, the day after we get back. We'll make our final decision on when and what to do next, though it'll be for sure a fresh cycle of IVF since we have NO embies left. The big question is June or July, but it's looking likely to be June. Because it feels good to keep moving, you know?

After our failed IVF in December, that Florence + the Machine song Shake It Out was big. Every time I heard it, I wept buckets. Uncontrollable. Pretty much as hard as I cried when I thought Mulder died in the train car buried in the New Mexico desert at the end of Season 3 of the X Files. 

At the end of FET #1 (which I just called FET at the time- you know, wishful thinking?), I heard Little Talks by Of Monsters and Men while driving home from work after receiving the results. It seemed especially fitting for the chemical pregnancy, and I would lose my shit whenever I heard it. And it would appear that I still do. This one is the soundtrack to our failed frozen cycles. 

I'll leave you with the lyrics. So much meaning to me in all of them, every verse. It's no wonder it turns me into an emotional wreck. 

I don't like walking around this old and empty house.So hold my hand, I'll walk with you my dear

The stairs creak as I sleep, it's keeping me awakeIt's the house telling you to close your eyes
Some days I can't even dress myself.It's killing me to see you this way.

'Cause though the truth may varythis ship will carry our bodies safe to shore.
Hey! Hey! Hey!

There's an old voice in my head that's holding me backWell tell her that I miss our little talks.
Soon it will all be over, buried with our past

We used to play outside when we were youngand full of life and full of love.
Some days I feel like I'm wrong when I am right.Your mind is playing tricks on you my dear.

'Cause though the truth may varyThis ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

Hey!Don't listen to a word I sayHey!The screams all sound the same.Hey!
Though the truth may varythis ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

You're gone, gone, gone away, I watched you disappear.All that's left is a ghost of you.

Now we're torn, torn, torn apart, there's nothing we can do,

Just let me go, we'll meet again soon.
Now wait, wait, wait for me, please hang aroundI'll see you when I fall asleep.

Hey!Don't listen to a word I sayHey!The screams all sound the same.Hey!

Though the truth may varythis ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

Thanks, LyricsMania

Now we're off... no more interwebz for over a week! See ya'll when I return!


  1. I love the songs...especially Florence. I wish with everything that you could be done with this journey and I'm just so sorry you are facing another fresh cycle. I think of you and hope you are doing okay. Enjoy that vacation and know we are still pulling for you every step of the way.

  2. Mmmmm ceviche!!! I currently have little talks as the ringtone on my phone. I hope you get some answers at your WTF appointment coming up. It definitely feels better to keep moving in my opinion. Have a great trip!

  3. Great songs! Thanks for sharing!!! I hope you have a great vacation!! Try not to think about your WTF appt - they are never fun.

  4. I am OBSESSED with Of Monsters and Men (especially that song, but the whole album recently came out and it's really good!), and I'm a Florence fan as well! Have a great time on vacation - hopefully it's a good distraction!

  5. Enjoy your distraction, I mean vacation!

  6. Have an amazing vacation, you deserve it.

    Sending lots of love your way.

  7. Please enjoy your vacation and have a wonderful time! You deserve some wonderful right now.

  8. Misery loves company- as I drove home from my 13 week appointment for a cvs- only to discover I had had a very recent miscarriage ( was fine the week before)- Bruno Mars came on the radio- 'cause there'll be no sunlight if I lose you baby, there'll be no clear skies if I lose you baby...' awesome timing.

  9. Enjoy your vacation!!! You deserve it. I'll be cheering you on in's just around the corner, ya know?

  10. That Little Talks song was my soundtrack after I lost my baby. I swear it's like it spoke to me every time I heard it.

    Enjoy your vacation.

  11. Great songs! Sorry about your failed cycle! Hope your having a blast!


You know you want to tell me how ridiculous I am...