I'm finding myself in a tough place today. Bedrest is over, and while I ended up excruciatingly bored by yesterday, I don't want to be here at work. I feel like at least doing nothing was doing *something*, and now I'm doing something but *nothing* to help our little embies stick. I haven't felt much of anything yet, aside from a bit of uterine cramping tuesday night (1dp6dt). There's maybe some discomfort today and yesterday, but no twinges or spotting or anything that would lead me to believe that the dudes are still partying it up in my ute.
I have so much fear and anxiety with this cycle suddenly, fear that started on Monday but didn't really manifest until I left the house this morning and was faced with the Real World again.
I am afraid that this cycle will end up as another negative.
I am afraid that this cycle will end up as another chemical. I am afraid we will lose tons of money by cancelling our vacation.
I am afraid that we made the wrong decision to thaw ALL SIX of our remaining snowbabies and only transferred two. I am sad for the two that didn't survive the thaw, and even sadder for the two that did but not well enough to rate being transferred or refrozen. I wonder if the same decision would have been made by another clinic, and I'm sad that they weren't even given a chance at success. I'm afraid we were greedy by trying for better quality, because clearly that route hasn't worked for us so far.
I am afraid of going through another fresh IVF cycle, knowing how hard one is and that we will max out our insurance benefits by doing so. I know I *can* get through a fresh cycle, but I also know how hard it is.
I am afraid that whatever isn't working can't be fixed.
I am afraid we'll hit our limit before our family is complete.