I'm finding myself in a tough place today. Bedrest is over, and while I ended up excruciatingly bored by yesterday, I don't want to be here at work. I feel like at least doing nothing was doing *something*, and now I'm doing something but *nothing* to help our little embies stick. I haven't felt much of anything yet, aside from a bit of uterine cramping tuesday night (1dp6dt). There's maybe some discomfort today and yesterday, but no twinges or spotting or anything that would lead me to believe that the dudes are still partying it up in my ute.
I have so much fear and anxiety with this cycle suddenly, fear that started on Monday but didn't really manifest until I left the house this morning and was faced with the Real World again.
I am afraid that this cycle will end up as another negative.
I am afraid that this cycle will end up as another chemical. I am afraid we will lose tons of money by cancelling our vacation.
I am afraid that we made the wrong decision to thaw ALL SIX of our remaining snowbabies and only transferred two. I am sad for the two that didn't survive the thaw, and even sadder for the two that did but not well enough to rate being transferred or refrozen. I wonder if the same decision would have been made by another clinic, and I'm sad that they weren't even given a chance at success. I'm afraid we were greedy by trying for better quality, because clearly that route hasn't worked for us so far.
I am afraid of going through another fresh IVF cycle, knowing how hard one is and that we will max out our insurance benefits by doing so. I know I *can* get through a fresh cycle, but I also know how hard it is.
I am afraid that whatever isn't working can't be fixed.
I am afraid we'll hit our limit before our family is complete.
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I have the same fears. And I really wish I had an answer so that we could both use it to stop this madness. All I know is that you are doing everything humanly possible to make this cycle work. You followed doctor's orders and made the best possible decisions based on the information you have/had. That's more than most of the world will ever do.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. The 2ww is awful (seriously awful), but with each day, you are closer to what you deserve and desire.
Totally rational fears- this shiz is HARD! Thankfully the wait is short (easy for me to say!) and soon enough you will know. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're feeling this way. You will know, soon, what this cycle will bring - and then you will either mourn and figure out a way to put yourself back together (on vacation, no less - I have faith you'll get there!) OR you will celebrate massively. Both scenarios end with you being okay, I just know it. Deep breaths! Think of FDR!
ReplyDeleteI completely understand how you feel. Hang in there as best as you can. 4 more days until first beta! Here for you the whole way!
ReplyDeleteHere from ICLW - wishing you all the best in your FET. That beta is right around the corner!
ReplyDeleteI don't think there is any way to get through this without the fears. They are completely normal, but I know so so hard. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteGirl, I am with you. I share (almost) all those fears. I think it's just the nature of the game, once you have been an IFer. I am hugging you tight!
ReplyDeleteThe entire process is terrifying and no fun at all. I hope you made the right decision and that it all works out. If not, you are strong enough to keep on keepin on, I know it. Will you test early this time?
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are feeling so much pressure and stress on this cycle, but I would try to digest the reasons the other 4 are not still frozen and find some relief in the fact that they would not have been able to implant and turn into babies. Just repeat that to yourself (even of there was some small chance they could, let it go and assume they couldn't). We transferred our last two embryos in march and I also felt so much pressure on the result, but I was also angry that out of our 10 others they didn't think more than 3 were good enough to freeze. But deciding that any others would have just been false hope and wasted time and money on failed transfers...that made me a little more okay with it.
ReplyDeleteThis is all probably shitty advice. I am just so sorry you are in a third transfer right now and I wish I could take some of the fear away. I hope with all my might that this is it. Sending a big fat hug.
Whew, preach it sister. There are so many doubts and fears that go along with both IVf and pregnancy. What would it even be like to get preggo naturally and have a normal 9 months? That will never be our fate unfortunately. But, we still have a shot. And I am taking it.
ReplyDeleteFear is an awful emotion. The doubts, second guessing and anxiety are some of the worst side effects of this whole damn thing. Just know, that I'm right there with you with the whole fear thing.
ReplyDeleteOh boy I know this feeling. When you are stimming or prepping for a transfer, there's activities to focus on; meds, measurements, appointments, etc. After the main event, it all comes to a screeching halt and youre left with only your thoughts. I wish I had some helpful advice, and I hope I'm right there with you this time next week! Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteHope and fear are so challenging and they travel hand in hand. It's a rollercoaster ride, no doubt, and we're here for you all the way!
ReplyDeleteOh, girl, I think in a couple weeks time I'll be the one writing something similar to this post. You are in my thoughts and I have my fingers crossed for you. My heart goes out to you!
ReplyDeleteI can completely relate to everything you are saying with this post. I am just 3 days behind you with my 1st FET and have a similar history. I just wanted to say good luck tomorrow at your beta.
ReplyDeleteWishing you good luck tomorrow!
ReplyDelete