The grief never really goes away. Of 3 years and 3 months of trying to add a child into our marriage. Of believing that I could manipulate my body into doing my bidding. Of disappointment, of tears. Of the knowledge that it would never "just happen."
I've been dwelling on milestones a lot today. Had our IVF worked, I'd be 18 weeks along. We'd be finding out the gender of our child (or rather, I'd be arguing with Dr Boy over choosing to find out the gender of our child). I'm trying to garner excitement and support for those who I cycled with in December that are enjoying this milestone, but I have this nagging inside me that it's a fake smile and forced words coming out.
Had our last FET not resulted in a chemical, I'd be sure that our baby had a heartbeat. We'd have seen it, heard it. We'd possibly be graduating from the RE. We'd have less than a 5 percent chance of miscarriage.
I'm happy for all the ladies who I've cycled with and are out of the race. I really am. I'm just struggling with the "sad for me" part today*. I really am. The sadz are setting in hard core.
Dr Boy and I go to our first u/s and bloodwork appointment tomorrow for FET #2. Number two. Transfer number three. Our third set of embies. We'll be half way through our frozen stash, deeper in if some don't survive thaw. We're down to lower quality embies.
It's all a numbers game. And we, like so many of you, are NOT on the side of the numbers. Maybe just once, maybe this time, we will.
*it doesn't help that I hosted an infertility meetup brunch today, and I was stood up by the ladies who RSVP-ed yes.
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Boy, I think we all have those days. Just hang in there. I am glad you at least have a good bunch of embies to work with. I wish we could all walk away from one IVF with a take home baby. That would be so wonderful.
ReplyDeleteAt least we are going through this again together.
I know exactly how you feel. I find my self at the whats ifs quiet often. Loosing two already makes you so worried and stressed you find it hard to find the joy. Im on #3 praying I get to term this time. The issues that come from so much failure is you cannot even enjoy the success you have because of the fear of loss. Hang in there what ever you do go as far as your mind body and money will take you . Never look back and wish you would have tried just one more time. Believe in the out come as much as you can. Lean on your husband when you feel you can not take anymore. You will come out feeling better. Blessing to you and your hubby I know its hard.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel. I find my self at the whats ifs quiet often. Loosing two already makes you so worried and stressed you find it hard to find the joy. Im on #3 praying I get to term this time. The issues that come from so much failure is you cannot even enjoy the success you have because of the fear of loss. Hang in there what ever you do go as far as your mind body and money will take you . Never look back and wish you would have tried just one more time. Believe in the out come as much as you can. Lean on your husband when you feel you can not take anymore. You will come out feeling better. Blessing to you and your hubby I know its hard.
ReplyDeleteI can really understand how you are feeling and especially the comment about woman that have been successful. I am happy for all the woman I have met on here that are now successfully pregnant. It also reminds me that it didnt work. Very bittersweet. Heres to hoping that the numbers come to our side.
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches for you and everyone still in the trenches. I can't and won't ever forget that period of life and the major heartache that goes with it.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry ladies who RSVP'd didn't show. That just cuts even deeper. *big big hugs*
I'm so sorry that you're feeling sad - milestones that might have been are very tough. So are people who RSVP yes and don't show up, what on earth makes them think that's okay? I hope you had a tasty brunch anyway... mimosas are pretty good for a case of The Sadz, believe me!
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you have had to struggle and endure so much. It is so unfair. I completely understand having times when the "sad for me" part overwhelms any possible happiness you could have for those who are pregnant. The best I can advise is to protect yourself and be good to yourself. Don't associate with the people who remind you of what you don't have. Don't read their posts or comment on their statuses. This isn't wrong and doesn't make you a bad person. It's just a little exercise in self-preservation to get you through the very rough spots.
ReplyDeleteI pray with all I have that FET #2 is it for you. It had certainly better be! Xoxo.
It's all so damn unfair. I am sorry you are having a rough go right now. I'm hoping the socks I put in the mail to you today will make you smile. :)
ReplyDelete(((((Hugs)))))))
ReplyDeleteI wish I could take away your pain and give you that back.
Hang in there girlfriend, you're not alone. xoxoxo
I'm so sorry. Milestones are a bitch. I'm keeping you on my prayers that soon it'll be a good milestone you're remembering!
ReplyDeleteAnniversaries and milestones are SO hard. And it's tough not to think that way too. I hope that this is it for you and you get to hold your baby in your arms very very soon. I wish we lived closer, I would have come to brunch! Hugs to you!
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