Friday, March 2, 2012

Calling it quits

My beta came back at a 50. A perfect double would have been 56, so while we're just barely below that, we really *should* be in the thousands at this stage in the game. Our RE spoke to the other IVF doc in the practice, and they both agreed that in their opinion, nothing good is growing inside of me. Nothing that I can take home and snuggle in 8 months or so. That the progesterone and estrogen were likely the only thing keeping this thing from expelling itself. (now that's a fun mental image, huh?)

He recommended we stop our meds, and ordered a repeat beta on Monday because now we have to track the hcg back down to zero. He did, however, give us the option of continuing meds, and getting an u/s on Wednesday (5 weeks 6 days) to see what's growing.

This option is appealing. And tempting. It would let me ignore the fact that I'm only fake pregnant for another week, and keep hoping hoping hoping that they're all wrong. And I would have an ANSWER! More DATA! I loves me some data. I'm addicted to MORE INFORMATION, and if this would get us that, why wouldn't we subject me to 8 more IM injections and 24 pills up the lady bits?

Here's another look at my crying digs. Not bad, eh? Except for the sound of people peeing. And pooping.

I spent the last half hour of work sobbing in the bathroom. I called my nurse to see some potential calendar options for our next FET. I scared her with my sobs when she gave me MUCH LATER dates than I was expecting (like, in June). I talked to Dr Boy. I tweeted. I threw wads of snotty toilet paper at the lockers.

And then I pulled myself together, and drove home. Oh, except I didn't bring a rain jacket and hit pretty much the only burst of rain in the county while getting to my car. But the rain was worth it because I was greeted by this view on the way.
I'm a sucker for a gorgeous cloud, what can I say.
I curled up in my pajamas in bed and watched a movie until Dr Boy came home. And we talked. We talked about the pro's of continuing. Of knowing, of the one in a million chance of this being ok. We talked about the con's. Of postponing the inevitable, of dragging out the pain, of the possible physical ramifications of purposely supporting an non-viable pregnancy for longer.

And we decided to stop the meds. If it's an ectopic, it'll probably survive me cycling out (CD1 will probs be Monday). If it's a blighted ovum, it *should* go away with my withdrawal bleed. So really, we'll have our answer. And if my HCG still climbs on Monday, we have the Wed u/s appt to take a peek. I truly, truly hope that isn't necessary.

At this point, we're both just ready for this to go away. For this to end. To heal, regroup, and start over.

I wanted to believe that this would turn out ok. That we'd be the friend of a friend of a friend. But our doctors, and really us too, just don't feel that's going to be the case anymore.

So it's time to let go.

Also, in case you were wondering, this is what the amazon cheapie Wondofo's look like at our beta values. Note that a line showed up with a beta under 10 (or around 10 if you account for the time lag). So yeah, they ARE pretty damn sensitive. And I apologize for ever thinking they aren't.

- 10dp6dt was an hcg of 7 plus 36 hrs
 (to further prove my non-viable point, here's a girl whose HCG at 16dpo knocks mine OUT OF THE PARK)
- 12dp6dt was an hcg of 14
- 15dp6dt was an hcg of 50
At 20 cents a pop, they're just BEGGING to be peed on.


  1. Ahh, shit. I'm so, so sorry. :( I wish I had something more comforting to say than that.


  2. Well crap. I'm sorry it had to end this way. Hopefully stopping the meds will make your hcg level drop quickly and you'll be able to skip the ultrasound next week. Thinking of you and sending good vibes for slipping in an FET before summer.

  3. I think you're making the right decision and I hope things pass quickly for you and this whole thing doesn't get dragged out any further.

    Good luck with your next steps and may they bring more desirable results!

  4. It seems like stopping meds is the best decision. Hoping your levels drop quickly and that you don't have to get a scan next week.

    I'm so sorry you had to go through this. It really does suck. I'm thinking of you and your hubby during these hard times.

    Those are pretty sweet crying digs, minus the added sounds and smells :) I don't work in an office so only have my car to cry alone in.

    Why do you have to wait so long for another FET?

    Could we be IF twins? Seems like we are living parallel lives at this point. Too bad we don't live closer; I have a feeling we could be good friends. So very sorry things worked out this way.

  5. I am so, so sorry hun. There is just nothing easy about this situation. I'm also sorry they are making you wait so long. Try to look at it as time to give your ovaries a break and to drink some strong margaritas. I'll have one with you.

  6. I wish I could make this situation better for you because I have been through it so many times. It's a terrible and horrible place to be because you can't really hope but you can't end it either. I don't want to give you hope, but out of the four times this happened to me, 2 were ectopic, 1 was a blighted ovum (I hate that term), and 1 is my little precious girl that I am now holding.

    I'm glad you are going to wait it out and see. I know that the hope is slim, but I'm going to hope for you. And please please please feel free to contact me if you need to vent or need advice if it does end up being ectopic and you have medical choices to make. You can always find me at

    You're in my prayers!

  7. I'm sorry. Hopefully it'll resolve quickly - I know for me it helps to be able to put it behind me and move on. *hugs*

  8. Boo!! Hissssss! I'm with Her Royal Fabulousness...drink.

    And why are there lockers in your work bathroom??

  9. Oh man, I am so, so sorry to hear this. I do think you're making the right choice, however, and I'd do the same thing in your position. It's important to do what's best for you, and I hope things resolve soon.

    In the meantime, I congratulate you on having such a posh work bathroom. You have lockers AND a chair AND what appears to be a psychiatrist's couch in your ladies room, impressive!

  10. Sorry hon. I'm just really sorry that this tiny hope didn't materialize. I pray you will be able to start a little sooner and that you'll finally get everything you've been waiting for.

  11. I'm so incredibly sorry. This kind of limbo can be hell. I'm glad you decided to be good to yourself and get out of limbo ASAP.
    Sending you love and light.

  12. I am so very very very sorry.

    One thought - what if? What if you are the exception to the rule? What if your pregnancy is growing, but just very slowly. I know you have talked it over with your hubby and I don't want to put doubt in your mind, but I do have to ask: what if? Would it really hurt to take the meds for another 4 days and then get a scan?

    I know there is NO easy way to resolve this. I don't know what I would do, but I would probably stop the meds. Heck, I stopped my IVF meds the day before my beta because I knew I was getting a BFN. So I don't have a lot of room to talk about "what ifs." But I do want to play devil's advocate just a little bit.

    Wishing it was next weekend already for you.

  13. I am so sorry. It's difficult to decide when to stop collecting data. I hope this resolves quickly so you can start the process of healing.

  14. I am so sorry your going through this. My only suggestion, if it is ectopic please don't wait to get an u/s to find out. I found out when I was around 5weeks that I had one and the dr said if i would have waited a few more weeks I would have lost my tube in the process.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband during this time!! ((HUGS))

  15. I am so, so sorry you have had to go through any and all of this. It is heartbreaking and I can't imagine the battle you have had about how to handle this pregnancy, which is what it is. A pregnancy and a miscarriage. Do your best to hold on to the fact that you CAN implant and you WILL do it again, but next time with an embryo that can grow and develop into your beautiful baby.
    I am so, so sorry. Wishing you peace and love right now.

  16. :( It's s shitty situation no matter how you look at it. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. I really hope everything resolves quickly, you discover some fabulous new drink recipes, and you start healing. You guys are in my thoughts!


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