Calling it quits

My beta came back at a 50. A perfect double would have been 56, so while we're just barely below that, we really *should* be in the thousands at this stage in the game. Our RE spoke to the other IVF doc in the practice, and they both agreed that in their opinion, nothing good is growing inside of me. Nothing that I can take home and snuggle in 8 months or so. That the progesterone and estrogen were likely the only thing keeping this thing from expelling itself. (now that's a fun mental image, huh?)

He recommended we stop our meds, and ordered a repeat beta on Monday because now we have to track the hcg back down to zero. He did, however, give us the option of continuing meds, and getting an u/s on Wednesday (5 weeks 6 days) to see what's growing.

This option is appealing. And tempting. It would let me ignore the fact that I'm only fake pregnant for another week, and keep hoping hoping hoping that they're all wrong. And I would have an ANSWER! More DATA! I loves me some data. I'm addicted to MORE INFORMATION, and if this would get us that, why wouldn't we subject me to 8 more IM injections and 24 pills up the lady bits?

Here's another look at my crying digs. Not bad, eh? Except for the sound of people peeing. And pooping.

I spent the last half hour of work sobbing in the bathroom. I called my nurse to see some potential calendar options for our next FET. I scared her with my sobs when she gave me MUCH LATER dates than I was expecting (like, in June). I talked to Dr Boy. I tweeted. I threw wads of snotty toilet paper at the lockers.

And then I pulled myself together, and drove home. Oh, except I didn't bring a rain jacket and hit pretty much the only burst of rain in the county while getting to my car. But the rain was worth it because I was greeted by this view on the way.

I'm a sucker for a gorgeous cloud, what can I say.

I curled up in my pajamas in bed and watched a movie until Dr Boy came home. And we talked. We talked about the pro's of continuing. Of knowing, of the one in a million chance of this being ok. We talked about the con's. Of postponing the inevitable, of dragging out the pain, of the possible physical ramifications of purposely supporting an non-viable pregnancy for longer.

And we decided to stop the meds. If it's an ectopic, it'll probably survive me cycling out (CD1 will probs be Monday). If it's a blighted ovum, it *should* go away with my withdrawal bleed. So really, we'll have our answer. And if my HCG still climbs on Monday, we have the Wed u/s appt to take a peek. I truly, truly hope that isn't necessary.

At this point, we're both just ready for this to go away. For this to end. To heal, regroup, and start over.

I wanted to believe that this would turn out ok. That we'd be the friend of a friend of a friend. But our doctors, and really us too, just don't feel that's going to be the case anymore.


So it's time to let go.

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Also, in case you were wondering, this is what the amazon cheapie Wondofo's look like at our beta values. Note that a line showed up with a beta under 10 (or around 10 if you account for the time lag). So yeah, they ARE pretty damn sensitive. And I apologize for ever thinking they aren't.

- 10dp6dt was an hcg of 7 plus 36 hrs
 (to further prove my non-viable point, here's a girl whose HCG at 16dpo knocks mine OUT OF THE PARK)
- 12dp6dt was an hcg of 14
- 15dp6dt was an hcg of 50

At 20 cents a pop, they're just BEGGING to be peed on.