Sunday, December 18, 2011

My embies are lazy (8dp5dt) (edited)

Which would make sense, since they're half me. I was kindof hoping they'd get the half-my-husband in that department though.

They're still failing to give me any appreciable sign that they're still in there. Two more days of pee sticks, two more big fatty white spaces where a second line should be. I added the First Response Early Results into the mix yesterday, and they're just as pasty white. Maybe if I sent them to the tanning salon they'd respond better?

I had my blood draw this morning. Good times with a mid-forearm vein. Should get the results in a few hours. I'm hoping beyond hope that there's something still in there, just slowly stretching and getting into the hcg-producing swing of things. Slowly. Agonizingly slowly.

Yesterday and Friday were the days of grief. I was finally confronted with the very real possibility that this wouldn't work. That I'd fall into the 30-40% chance of failure, rather than the 60-70% chance of success that Dr S gave me. When he walked out of the room after the transfer, he said that he had no doubt in his mind that they'd be calling me with good news this week. I'm pretty sure the good news wasn't that we'd be sending more $$ their way in a month or two.

Today is more of a numb day. I'm slowly transitioning into the worst phase of my end-of-cycle processing- false hope. You know, the justification part? Well, it was probably just a bad batch of tests. It's still too early to really know. They could just be super-late implanters. Tests have been wrong before! The false hope makes you feel like a complete dupe when the truth comes out, but at least it's kept me from sobbing in front of computer models this morning.

Yes, we have 8 embies on ice waiting in the wings. Yes, they're probably pretty good quality. Yes, I'm still 29. Yes, we still have time. Blah, blah, blah.

Those aren't the things you want to hear when you're facing a BFN after something you thought would get you your take home baby. A great way to celebrate the holidays is with a BFP! Not a bottle of spiced wine. I just feel like I've let everyone down so far, with my mom coming up to take care of me through the retrieval/transfer, and the second beta being drawn on her birthday. And poor Dr Boy, who's rushed home each night to make sure that I had dinner and my PIO injection, and that our diabetic cat was taken care of so I could slack it up on the couch.

The best part is that the in-laws are heading over this afternoon when we get off work to celebrate Christmas with us, since we'll be heading down to So Cal to spend it with my family. You know how my blog title is Meier Madness? It originally stemmed from what I call the trips they take to visit us. While I love them to death, and they truly are wonderful loving people, high doses of the Meier's can be a lot to handle. A lot. And while they know that we'll be finding out some time this week whether we were successful or not, I just don't want to let them into this inner circle quite yet. If today is a false negative, I don't want to drag them down, or have them try to lift me back up. I'm not in the mood. I want to sulk, or celebrate, in peace with Dr Boy. But we won't get to do that. And EVEN better, they're spending the night, so we won't have our time alone until we both get home from work tomorrow. Fab.

I hope I'm just overreacting. I'm good at that. I hope that at least one of these guys chose to stick around. I really just want my Hanukkah miracle.

Today's beta came back at less than 5. Guess I'm hoping for a miracle on Tuesday.


  1. Keeping my fingers crossed for you!!!

  2. Thinking of you today, friend! Good luck with the inlaws- I love mine... In small doses. Crossing my fingers you've got a slacker burrowing in!

  3. I completely understand. I've been googling late implantation but it doesn't give me much hope. I hope there are a shitload of faulty tests out there : )

  4. Hope you get that BFP, crossing my fingers for you!! and good luck with the in-laws!
    I passed on an award to you! That might distract you a little bit! Check out the post:

  5. I've been waiting all day to hear some news.
    It ain't over till the red lady sings! (or the beta is less than five, but you know what I mean)
    Huge hug!!!

  6. Sending so much love your way. I am so sorry it's not looking good now and its awful to have to find this out with family in town. I hope beyond hope that things turn around somehow, but if not...know that you have so many people rooting and praying for you. Take time to be sad and grieve the loss of your two embies. But you will get pregnant and you will likely never need to do another fresh cycle again with how many fabulous blasts you have waiting to be brought to life.

  7. I love looking at pictures of blastocysts (embies)! And yours are beauts!
    I'm sorry you are having to deal with this stress and frustration. I know what it feels like.
    Wishing you some good news very soon.

  8. C'mon lazy embies, start putting out hcg! I really hope you get your Christmas present!

  9. I'm hoping for a surprise for you. I just came off a negative donor cycle with 76% chance it would work. I really hate being on the wrong side of the stats and I really hope you aren't.

  10. Hearing the positive words from your doctor and then facing the reality of your beta is an unfair twist to this whole process..... good luck this week.

  11. What a time for a visit from the inlaws. I am right there, crossing my fingers with you!

  12. Hang in there Jamie! Thinking about you and don't be so hard on yourself. Love you!

  13. I am so sorry. Nothing else to say except suck balls.


You know you want to tell me how ridiculous I am...