Wednesday, December 21, 2011

The Dark Place

It's where I go when I'm depressed. I was there a lot before I started Lexapro. I've been there every now and then since I weaned off a little over three years ago. I'm there now. I have so many errands to run today, so many things to do to get ready to travel down to LA Saturday morning. Yet I'm here on the couch, watching my 7th episode in a row of Friday Night Lights.

Of course I am. It's expected. It's one of those days where love and support hurts. Knowing you have all these people around rooting for you and supporting you. Right now, I feel like I just have more people out there who I've let down. People who helped me during this cycle that I feel like wasted their time. Thoughts and prayers that went unanswered.

Emily wrote the sweetest post. Everything that was going through my head yesterday. All the questioning. And while it felt good to read those words, it made me cry. Just like when my IVF nurse called in the afternoon to check up on me. It made me bawl. The best part was me making the mistake of asking when, realistically, we could start our FET. Because right now, all I can think about are two things. 1. Why the hell am I here. 2. When the hell can we start again.

You know what she said? First, I have to cycle out of the provera (probably this weekend). Then, I have to have a natural cycle. Say WHAT??? My natural cycles are effing 50 days long, if I'm lucky. "If you're late you can take provera." Oh gee. That cuts it down to a 45 day cycle. That sure helps. Then I have to do BCP for a month, then the cycle we end up transferring. That, best case scenario, takes about 80 days until we hit CD1 for the FET cycle. Which takes us to the second week of March. Which means we won't even find out until the last week of March. That's three months away.

That's effed up. It sent me into some pretty hysterical sobs, strait into the bathroom with the chaise lounge doing a heck of a lot of the ugly cries. I spend the last half our of work there. Or rather the second to last half hour of work. The final half hour of work I spent on the phone with my friend N talking me down. She's kindof the best. Turns out Dr Boy texted her to call me and talk me down, because he didn't have time to at work. And you know what? She was able to tell him that she already had :) I am so lucky to have the two of them.

I turn 30 on March 13th.

I need this before then. I at least need this CHANCE before then.

I have my WTF appointment tomorrow afternoon with Dr S. I hope to hell she was wrong. I want to start BCP this goddamn weekend and get the show on the road.

Could any of you that have been here (and I am so so sorry that you have), what your timeline looked like? I need to know what's "normal" in this situation. Am I trying to rush it? Because I feel ready. My head needs this to happen much much more than my body needs to heal. I'm fine physically, and will keep working on being fine physically. I just need this to happen as soon as possible, so I can crawl out of the dark place.

I know these all just sounds melodramatic. I kindof want to punch myself for it but I can't seem to stop.


  1. Ivf1 was the only we have frosties for. We found out our bfn the first week of November and started the Lupron shots roght around Christmas for an end of January FET. They made me wait one my December period I took bcp for 3 weeks, stopped, got my period and started Lupron. Maybe u can go right on the pill so u can 'pick' your start date? I'd tell them u want to get right to it and that even if u have to wait one cycle, if u are in the pill u r ready to go and 'it will help u not worry about conceiving this cycles'. I find if u put it that u are trying to help u emotionally it helps :)

  2. After our miscarriage with IVF #1 our doctor said that we could start the very next cycle if that was what we wanted. Granted, out WTF was a bit later than yours, so maybe the timeline is about right. I don't really understand why you'd have to have a natural cycle given your history of long annov. cycles- my doctor wanted me on BC right away so we could control everything. Hopefully your doc will have some answers for you tomorrow... preferably the answers you want to hear. Thinking of you friend!

  3. I'm sorry you're hurting so bad. I wish there was something I could do to help. After much convincing my RE allowed me to start a FET cycle the following cycle but I had cysts remaining from the stimulation and it ended up getting cancelled. We retrieved eggs mid-July and I didn't end up transferring any embryos until Dec 6th. I was definitely in a dark place those months. I really hope you get better news tomorrow, but a FET usually involves a month on bcp's. Hopefully you will get to start soon. Failed ivf cycles suck! I'm sorry you are hurting.

  4. Ugh, my heart hurts for you. How I wish you didn't have to face a FET right now.

    And while I never had a FET, as soon as my period came from IVF #1 I started birthcontrol for IVF #2. My doctor told me that biologically, there was no need to wait a natural cycle. I'm not sure if there would be a difference for a FET?

    So much love from me to you.

  5. My DR doesn't require a natural cycle either or BCP. Maybe you could call tomorrow and ask about starting BCP right away. Maybe if you tell them you are having a hard time with this they may let you? Especially since they know about your cycles. I could see waiting for a fresh but what is the point in all this waiting for a FET? GL

  6. Hmmm, I hope they allow you to start right away. Make them give you a real reason why you should wait, maybe if they force you to wait you will at least be able to keep their answer in the back of your mind.

  7. *hugs* After the failed fresh IVF #1 and #2, I was forced to take at least a one month break to let my body rest a bit. I can understand the doctor's view point on that, but I also totally understand your frustration and desire to jump right back on and continue.

    I've never had to take birth control, but that could also just be the way my clinic works. After going through 3 IVF cycles myself and reading about so many others', every clinic and country does it differently. What is the reason for the birth control? Can it be left out of the cycle?

    I do know what you're feeling and you're so not alone! *big hugs*

  8. Hey lady - just gave you an award. Hoping to let in a sliver of light. Hang in there!

  9. i've been in that dark place. after our first IVF. it wasn't pretty. it took me a very long time to come out of it. our WTF appointment was awful. premature ovarian failure was diagnosed at that point.

    i'm in a good place now, took me a while to get here... our ivf was two and a half years ago. ha. but i have to say, that seems like a very long time before your able to start your FET. i hope your RE gives you a different answer today.


  10. Hi! I came across your blog from "A Little Hope in My Pocket" clinic's protocol sounds a lot different than yours but after a failed FET...I was allowed to immediately jump into another (FET) (and it was a success although I ended up miscarrying due to a failed embryo split). I think if I had had a failed (fresh) IVF I would have had to wait 1 cycle.

    I hope you get some good answers tomm and can start things up MUCH quicker than March...the waiting between cycles is SOOOO hard. Thinking of ya and praying for ya too!


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