Sunday, January 8, 2012

Clearly my feelings are delicious

Or I wouldn't currently weigh MORE THAN I DID ON EGG RETRIEVAL DAY.

Yes, I said it. I have managed to gain weight during a time where it should be falling off my mid-section, one empty follicle at a time. Really though, how does one actually expect that to happen when they eat like they're growing triplets, but the only thing going on down there is a shrinking barrel of cysts?

Don't get me wrong. My feelings were delicious. The holiday candy, the large servings, the godknowshowmany bottles of wine. And hot damn they were necessary! These past four weeks post-BFN have been a bit of awful followed by less awful followed by GOOD GOD HOW DID YOU THINK YOU WERE OK AGAIN awful. The less awful was spent with family over the holidays, a blissful ten days where I could bitch and moan about my horrible period, pop a BCP, and bury myself in playdates and Christmas cheer. And 80-degree weather (thank you Los Angeles).

The awful awful hit this week, as I think it does for many people post-holidays. In my case, the post-holiday depression wave collided with the post-vacation depression wave, which then collided with the here's-your-fet-calendar-because-ivf-failed-wave. Those of us who remember our physics know that when waves collide, they can sometimes cancel each other out, but with my luck? The amplified into a tsunami of grief that I just kept feeding.

It ended in me crying at the movies last night. Seeing Sherlock Holmes. Which I assure you, is not a sad movie. Though I cry a lot at movies, this was a new low, even for me.

I'm not going to feed it anymore.

I'm going to be ok.

I'm going to get pregnant. (eventually)

I'm going to stick to my healthy living/eating resolutions. (more on how THAT's going later)

I'm going to get through this.


  1. You and I are soul mates, I am convinced. I am also feeling fat, going through a treatment cycle, and cried at Sherlock Holmes (just the scene before the last scene - NO SPOILERS!). Let me know your healthy eating plans...I'm curious.

    I'm sorry you have been sad. But, I like your attitude at the end of this post. We shall prevail!

  2. I still weigh more then what I did when I started by about 12 lbs. I have the retrieval spring 10 2 frozen cycles and 2 lost. I never lost the weight. BUT now Im photographing my food and trying hard to not eat so I dont have to blog what I ate ! I hope it helps ! Hang in there !

  3. I think we all are looking for some new things to focus on and for some of the weight to come off. No one wants to go into a new cycle with more weight than the previous.
    I wish you well and will be here to support, just as you have been for me.
    Good luck.

  4. I hate it when all the waves seem to collide at once- makes it a little hard to keep your head above water and continue breathing. I hope for your sake things start evening out and the prospect of a new cycle on the horizon helps.

  5. You will get through this. You will get pregnant. You will get through this. MANTRA. ON REPEAT. *hugs* friend

  6. You will get thru this!! I never liked cheerleaders but I will be yours if you'd like!

  7. You will get through this.. one donut, glass of wine and dr's appointment at at time. I have said to myself on too many occasions, If I can't get pregnant, might as well have some ice cream!!

  8. I'm 17lbs. heavier than I was before starting IVF. I haven't lost a lb since the last round. I don't have anything helpful to say, except I feel you! I do keep working out, do keep watching what I eat...the bummer is I'm not eating anything fun; an occasional glass of wine, a desert that I split with the boy, but not the burgers, fries, shakes, and the like that you would think is the cause. Hang in there friend!


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