Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Clearly I need help.

No, seriously, I do.

I keep complaining ad naseum about how I'm still depressed over our Dec IVF failure, and how I'm not excited about our Feb FET, and how the world is grey and I have no motivation and blah blah blah. I know I'm depressed right now. And I know I'm not really doing anything to help the situation, other than sitting here and riding it out. In the years that I've been off the meds (nothing makes you sound like a wack-job quite like saying you're "off your meds"), that's been my main course of action. I have highs, I have lows. The lows suck donkey balls, but they never really last more than a week or so.

I think I've hit my four week mark.

That's too long to "ride it out."

I came to this conclusion over the weekend. Two things really kicked it in the ass for me.

1. Dr Boy went snowboarding and was gone for two days. I had a three-day weekend, and left the house once. Literally. When I let poor Hannah out to potty, I didn't even step outside. I owe her for being such a trooper.

2. I started wondering whether we should even bother with the FET. Clearly I wasn't able to take care of myself or the household, so how in the hell would I take care of a kid? And (in my mind at the time) it probably wouldn't work anyways so why bother with the fuss of it all.

Screeching halt. I was questioning whether or not the mom thing was something I even wanted anymore?

That couldn't be me talking. That had to be the depression. There are a lot of things that I've been questioning lately, and I can't sort out which ones are me and which are the depression. I know the lupron I've been on for over a week now is probably exacerbating things, as is the fact that it's CD2, but still. This isn't me.

So I called up the IVF nurses and asked for a therapist recommendation. They left a message with one to contact me, and unfortunately, I'm still waiting. A day and a half later. But I reached out, and the appt will get made, and I'll have a chance to talk these things out with someone that is equipped to deal with this.

Because I'm tired of whining. And having no motivation to do anything other than sit on the couch. Unshowered. In my pajamas. For three days. (ok i showered once in those three days, i'm not completely gross. and i changed my sheets after, if it makes you feel better.) I'm tired of not doing ANYTHING productive at work. I'm tired of gaining weight form inactivity and emotional eating. I'm tired of not calling up friends to interact. I'm tired of not being excited about anything any more.

But mostly, I'm tired of having no energy to put towards hope. I can't go into our FET this way. And I can't expect it to magically happen on its own.

Why can't I just be chemically balanced? Sigh.

(and don't even get me started on how terrified i am of depression during the pregnancy and post-partum. effing terrified.)


  1. I am happy you made that call! I don't beleive your depression will change or impact the outcome of your FET, so don't let that get you down. You are allowed to feel've been through a lot! Hang in there

  2. I'm glad to hear you're seeking the help you feel you need. Thinking of you- and sending lots of good vibes your way!

  3. What you are going though is extremely tough! Try not to beat yourself up about it even though it's much easier said than done. I think sometimes you just have to have pajamas days. I also wanted to tell you that you aren't alone. I too am completely afraid of postpartum depression. Hang in there--it will get better.

  4. Really I just want to say:

    Good for you for recognizing that there is a problem!

    I think the most difficult part of dealing with depression is realizing you need help. I hope you get whatever help you need and always know you're never alone!

  5. It's good to know when to take the next step and you did. I am impressed with your pj/shower schedule. I don't care what anyone says, not making an effort takes a heroic effort!

  6. Take care of yourself hon. Definately talk to someone - whether it be a therapist or a friend. We all have these feelings at one time or another and it's a tough thing to go through.
    I always have to stay on my toes to make sure I am not falling into depression because I know it can happen easily. I am just talking and talking, hoping it's enough because I don't want to take any more meds than I already do.

    I hope you can find your way to the surface. You do need to be in a hopeful place to go through with FET. That's right where I am now. Trying to heal before I throw myself into the craziness.

  7. I am so glad you are going to get help for all this. No one should battle depression in their own, especially inthe midst of infertility, exogenous hormones, and being required to quit medication.

    Praying that you feel better and the FET sticks and helps you turn that frown upside down. :-p

    And being aware that your at risk for post partum is so important in helping to prevent it, manage it as best as possible. Be upfront with how you feel and make sure you have lots of loved ones checking in on you (and giving you occasional breaks!).

  8. OMG I know exactly how you feel. When I finally decided to get back on meds, I was SO worried and then when I did it I just felt relieved! About 2 weeks later I finally felt like I could take a full breath and I wondered why the eff it took me so long to do it!! Counseling helps so much too. Hang in there. You are not alone!!

  9. Glad you are taking steps towards feeling better. Infertility sucks and it's not easy. I'm really hoping you can get yourself in a better place before your FET.

  10. I posted about this same topic today. I met with a therapist who specializes in infertility (they are very few and very far between), but I definitely think she is going to help me get a handle on things. My regular life therapist is great, but there's only so much meditation and visualization you can do, ya know? I hope you find someone who is going to help you through this!

    1. I coulda written your post. I have been going to a therapist since failed IVF #2. I'd go through periods where I'd feel OK, but I knew that another negative was going to not be good if I continued as is. She is a specialist of IF and went through it herself. I don't think she's much help in the little things-but has definitely helped with things that could get me seriously derailed.

      I still have days where I don't shower; can't get off the couch, wake up at 230AM...but its not as bad as it could be. So congrats for taking the steps you need to taking care of yourself-the first steps are always the hardest part.

  11. Hi, I'm a new follower and I just want to say that I love your blog. I really enjoy reading what you've written, you are truthful and honest and aren't afraid to say what you're thinking. I'm glad that you're getting the help that you need and I'm thinking good thoughts for this next FET :-)

  12. :( This makes me sad but I am SO glad you recognized it and are getting help. I am here ANYTIME you need to vent, squeeze a kid, go on a walk, etc. Love you and hang in there. You are truly an amazing person and so strong!

  13. Oh friend. I'm so sorry you're stuck in the midst of the muck. And I'm sorry I'm just now seeing this. But I'm immensely happy you're getting help and talking it out with someone. This is just such a crappy, crappy time, and a crappy situation, and it's perfectly understandable why you feel the way you do. : (

    I wish I could fix everything and make it all go away. *hugs* friend.

  14. Everything that you are feeling is totally normal. This is what a failed IVF cycle does to us. It makes us depressed with feelings like we can't go on. Just know that it does get better with time.


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