During the meeting with our IVF nurse on Monday, I was very aware of the fact that she used the phrase "When" each time she referred to the success of our cycle. I usually use "if".
If AF arrives in time before Thanksgiving.
If I respond well to the stims.
If we retrieve enough mature eggs.
If we fertilize any of those mature eggs.
If we get to transfer this month.
If we get a BFP.
If I manage to carry to term.
All this iffy-ness is exhausting. But I can't quite bring myself to use the when. I mean, I do use it occasionally when someone pesters me about my craptastic attitude, but I always do it with an exaggerated eye roll. (who me? snarky? no......)
Infertility is a crazy bitch. Much like me. She plays this awful game of "Get your hopes up! Cross your fingers! It's totes going to work this time!!! Believe in the Power of Positive Thinking!!!" then at the end of a cycle, changes her tune to "Well, I mean, you knew there was only a small chance of success, right? You're infertile, did you really think it'd be that easy? Nanner nanner short luteal phase! There's always next time! Next time will be the one!" IF is a delicate dance of guarding against failure while desperately hoping for success. But not hoping so much that you end up in the bathtub eating a pizza and bawling your eyes out at the end of failed cycle. Because let's be honest, we've all ended up in that bad place in some shape or form at the end of a disheartening toilet paper check and there is nothing you can do to drag yourself out of it but cry it out. And indulge in delicious cheesy carbs.
I haven't decided when I'm going to let myself transition from if to when. Maybe it'll happen on its own. Maybe it won't happen at all. Maybe it'll be when I carry the mini-Meier home from the hospital. Whenever it does, when will be the most wonderful feeling in the world.
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Also!!! Lest I forget to ask. I never get a flu shot. Ever. Never had one. Despite Dr Boy bringing home every pediatrics-related virus in the world, I never get the darned shot. This year, though... with that whole, if we get pregnant off this IVF cycle thing, I'm wondering if I should just go ahead and bite the bullet. What's one more injection in the grand scheme of things, right? And I was thinking of doing it before IVF gets under way. That way I won't have to get it *while* pregnant or going through treatments. Advice from all you lovely ladies? I'm going in for my saline sono tomorrow and it would be a convenient chance to do it. Muchos gracias!
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Also, to the person that googled "gre.at+dri.nker+an.d+su.ck.er+of+sp.e.r.m" to get to my blog? Eff off. What the HELL did I ever type to get pinged from THAT search?
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Praying for you love. xo
ReplyDeleteLove this post...and yes, its a delicate balance this nasty IF.
ReplyDeleteGet the flu shot - for sheezie!!!! YOU MUST!!!
Also, how do you know who and what "googled" you...that is creepy. I want to know on mine! :)
I too haven't made the transition from if to when, can't do it, no matter how much positive I can muster or how positive H and the doc are. It hasn't worked yet, why get my hopes up that high.
ReplyDeleteAnd, yes, you should get the flu shot. Do it now, it's typically free, it doesn't do harm and can only do good. You don't want funky after flu shot effects to be messing with your mind while you try to determine if you're pregnant or not.
Definitely get the flu shot. No question in my mind my at all about this. I saw it plastered all over my OB's office yesterday.
ReplyDeleteAlso, best search string ever. That was totally hilarious!
Ok, first of all- I'm dying over that google search- effing amazing!
ReplyDeleteSecond, I'm with you on the flu shot thing. I've never had one- I didn't even get one last year in the midst of approximately one million IUIs. I think I'll skip it again this year unless one of my doctors tells me I NEED to have it.
AND, last but not least- pizza in the bathtub? I've never done it, but I am pretty sure that is how I'm spending my next angry/bitter/infertile evening.
Pizza in the bathtub. Hmmm. Thanks for the idea!
ReplyDeleteI'm with you on the if vs. when thing. I've always been an iffer. The only time I'm able to suspend my disbelief that it might actually happen is when my fiance and I talk about it. He's 100% when and I find myself getting carried away with his fantasy sometimes. But then I remember that I'm a pessimist and snap out of it.
I have to be honest I didn't transfer from If to When Until I was well into my second trimester!!
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by my blog and leaving your comment today, it made me giggle and I needed that!
I got the flu mist this year - it was awesome! You can't get that one if you're pregnant...excuse me...when you're pregnant, so get on it, woman!
ReplyDeleteUm, yeah, I'm an iffer for life. Read 'The Power of Negative Thinking' for a feel-good book for pessimists or 'Half Empty' (it's hilarious).
Hi, I'm a new follower. LOVE the blog design. Go get that flu shot! It takes a few weeks for it to be effective, so go now!
ReplyDeleteMaking that transition from IF to WHEN is actually much harder than people give it credit for. I hope you can say it with confidence one day.
ReplyDeleteI've got to admit. I've had the positive pregnancy tests, and blood tests, and I'm still an "if-er" at this point. IF this pregnancy goes to term. IF something doesn't go wrong. IF we don't miscarry. I learned my lesson from that bathtub good and hard.
ReplyDeleteI just stumbled across your blog. I too have PCOS and am currently on day 2 of 3 of Menopur. We're doing a super ovulation cycle and hoping it works! I struggle with the if and when topic all the time! And I've been going back and forth about the flu shot. I never get them and seem to be fine without it. But decided that this year, IF I get pregnant I would probably get one.
ReplyDelete