Positively Positive (8dp5dt, beta #1)

I'm amazed to say it, but I think we may actually be pregnant, my dears. Actually, positively, pregnant.

For now at least.

Our beta came back at 80. At 8dp5dt, or 13dpo.

Above the singleton average, below the twin average. This gives us two possibilities:

a) We have a high-strung, overachieving singleton brewing, like its father.

b) We have majorly procrastinating twins, like their mother. (not a twin, just perpetually late)


We shall see what we see when we see it, huh? At this point, I could care less (truthfully) as long as it/they are healthy and drama-free. The rest of our timeline includes beta #2 on Sunday (10dp5dt), beta #3 on Thursday (14dp5dt), and if we are stupendously lucky enough to make it that far, our first ultrasound at 5w6d two weeks from today (7/13, Friday the 13th). I am a fan of 13's, being born on one, so it's all good. I mean, if it's still all good then.

Always trust a woman that birthed triplets... Emily asked me if my pee smelled funny, as that was her earliest pregnancy symptom. Low and behold, mine smells like I've had coffee or asparagus. Neither of which have crossed these lips in a few weeks. Go figure!

No more darkening on the pee sticks which is driving me crazayzy, but I'll try not to obsess toooo much. Part of me is convinced our beta is already going down because why could this possibly actually work for us? I keep trying not to go there, but it is so hard not to after so much disappointment. I'll try harder. I promise.

I need to learn to not pee on my hand while collecting in a cup.

Knocked up. I'm still shaking my head in amazement. And gratitude.

Book Review- What Alice Forgot (& still ktfu)

Still pregnant until proven otherwise!

The FRERs are definitely getting darker, but it seems like the cheapest have stayed the same for a bit. Hmmm.  The beta is in the morning, so we'll see what we see!

I am still in shock that MY PEE did this

I am a smidge worried I may be developing a late onset ohss, but it could just be normal blood and eating too much bribery food (add red velvet cupcakes and Ben and Jerry's new flavor peanut butter world to the list of embie-staying powers!) I should weigh myself in the am.

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So!

I was selected to be a part of another BlogHer book club! This time we read "What Alice Forgot" by Liane Moriarty. It tells the tale of a 39-year old divorced mother of three  who takes a nasty spill at the gym, only to wake up thinking she was still 29, pregnant with her first, and blissfully in love with her husband. It is mostly told from Alice's perspective, but also artfully weaves in letters written by her sister and stand-in grandmother to add perspective.

Honestly, this was not really the best book to read during an IVF two week wait. The storyline involving Alice's sister is centered around  numerous IVF failures and repeated baby loss. This made the first half of the book (and much of the second) very difficult and emotional to read. The author  clearly had insight into the IF world- she truly captures the chaeracters emotions, reactions, and others reactions to her absolutely perfectly. Too perfectly, almost, so it stung. Great idea to read while hopped up on IVF meds yourself, right?

The second half really did rescue the novel. Alice's growth was amazing, and really made you wonder which version of herself she was better off living- the jaded divorce with everything under her strict control, or the carefree and careless twenty-something who admittedly had some growing up to do.

I am torn on whether to recommend this one. It is, overall, a great book. Even if it took me a while to get hooked. But if you have some hefty IF and baby loss triggers? Maybe not. I wouldn't put yourself through that.

This was a paid review for the BlogHer Book Club but all opinions expressed are my own.

Suspense (6dp5dt)

I let the suspense kill me. There's a lot of suspense when you do four embryo transfers!!

Shortly after I wrote my last post, I could NOT take it any more. I had held off drinking/peeing for four hours in the afternoon, and I POAS.

Nothing. But whatever, it was 4dp5dt, and really, the pee was pretty dilute. So whatever.

So I held it for another few hours with no drinking.

And peed again. And I *thought* that just maybe maybe maybe, there was a second line. But I didn't get excited. And I didn't tell DH about the ridiculousness.

Now that the seal had been broken, I peed again Tuesday morning, at 5dp5dt. I took a shower to distract myself from the stick, got out, and lost my shit.

Positive.

For now, I'm pregnant. (gah! i'm crying typing those words!)

One of these guys decided to stick around.

In. Love.

I peed again in the afternoon, I peed again this morning, and I added a FRER to the mix. I do have to say, those wondofo tests are amazeballs- way darker than the FRERs, though I've heard that from others too.

I am in shock that those are from MY pee.

When Dr Boy got home that night, I had a gift bag sitting on the dining room table. I told him it was a belated birthday gift I had forgotten to give him. Inside, there was a onesie I bought (with bestie N) from the college bookstore in town. He didn't really get it, and was like "counting your chickens?" So then I pulled these cupcakes out of the fridge.

"Positive"-ly Delicious

To which he said "Are we positive??????????" And I lost it and started bawling and showed him the sticks.

Happy, happy day.


I guess fourth time really was a charm :)

(and then today i became "that" patient and asked to move my beta up to fri instead of sat. and they said yes!)

(and i just added a  bfp label to the blog that made me cry again)

Consumed (4dp5dt)

It's all I can think about.

This whole cycle, I have been incredibly one-minded, with IVF Redux consuming practically every waking thought and action. I have managed to get by at work, but have spent a great deal of time thinking and analyzing and twittering and obsessing over this cycle. It's supposed to be the one that works. The one that went well. The one that had so many of the good things happen during. The one with the embryo with practically outstretched arms reaching towards my lining. I've set pretty darned high standards in my mind, and now I'm terrified.

Let's recap how it all looked, m'kay?

Finito!

- We had appropriately rising estrogen levels
- We didn't flip-flop on medication doses
- We had plenty of 17mm+ follies at trigger
- Our e2 only coasted for one day and didn't have a landslide at the end
- We fertilized 17 out of the 18 mature eggs, out of the 21 retrieved
- On transfer day, a blast was clawing its way out of its shell with another close behind
- On transfer day, only one of the 17 embryos had stopped growing
- I'm bribing the embies with sprinkle cupcakes, snickerdoodles, and a brownie

 
All of these are great things. And I'm not going to lie- I think it worked. I woke up to lots of broad uterine crampies 1dp5dt, and they lasted most of the day. I've had them on and off since. The rest of the "symptoms" I can blame on the progesterone and estrace tabs- sore boobs, heartburn, slight nausea when I eat too quickly. Other symptoms I can blame on going back to work- tiredness. And the dream I had Saturday night that I woke up to use the restroom at 3am at 3dp5dt and got a vivid BFP is par for the course- I have one of those dreams pretty much every transfer cycle. Still though, I just *feel* like it did.

Which means I'm setting myself up for a collossal fall of this pedestal if I'm wrong. I'm hoping and wishing and visualizing that I'm not, but still. I absolutely could be. I am overcome with the urge to test, because it could very well be positive at 9dpo. But it could also very well be a true negative, and it could very well be a false negative.

And so I'm also overcome with the fear of testing, as I don't know if I want to let go of this feeling yet. The feeling that it worked. That *I* worked. That I can, and am supposed to feel a child grow inside me.

Five days until the beta. *Maybe* two more mornings I'll be able to stop myself from peeing.

I don't want to feel like an idiot for thinking I'm pregnant, but I don't want to stop feeling it either. Sigh.

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And on a lighter (ok maybe not *really* lighter) note, rest in peace Lonesome George, the last of your kind. Many of us in this community know what it feels like to be unsuccessful at reproductive attempts, so we feel for you and your lost genetic line. I'm glad I got to meet (ok take a photo of with a really zoomed in lens) you before you left us.

We'll miss you, the last Pinta Galapagos Giant Tortoise

4th Time's a Charm (0dp5dt)

Throughout this cycle I kept asking myself, "How does one get excited for their fourth embryo transfer?" I may have asked you guys that too. It's the same theme I've struggled with this whole month- that overriding theme of building hope and excitement while guarding yourself against failure and grief.

I can honestly say that today? Building excitement was no problem. No problem whatsoever. We hadn't heard anything about our embryos since Tuesday, and weren't really sure what to expect. On Tuesday (day 3), we found out that all 17 were still cleaving, all were 8-11 celled, and all grade 1. Holy octomom, we had HOPE. But then again, we had a great day 3 fert report last time, so that knocked me back a little too. Hope, but not TOO much hope.

I did my pre-transfer acupuncture, took my valium, and promptly got drunk. I mean hey, I accidentally took 10mg instead of 5mg, sue me. It was awesome :)

We were quickly led back into the transfer room and brought a picture of the two embryos selected for transfer. As soon as we saw the picture, all the excitement that had been questioned for the last few weeks exploded my heart and I started crying. (shocker, me? crying?)

Meet Turtle and Penguin! (and my widow's peak)

We had a grade 1AA hugely hatching blast. In fact, the embryologist said "Hurry up and get that thing in there!" The second blast was also grade 1AA, and had just just started hatching too! Double score! We very briefly discussed whether we would transfer one or two, but decided on both based on our history of failure. And that it's probably not good to freeze something that's already started to hatch.

Transfer PDLAMBLATI* from In Due Time

I laid down and we got all prepped, saw the awesome flash of embryonic medium whooshing into my cute ute, and checked that the catheter was empty. Everything went off perfectly, a textbook transfer.

Some resting, post-transfer acupuncture, and earning karma points by calling in a small brush fire in the median in our town (on a very dry windy day), then more resting at home completed our day. I have since bribed the embie with delicious chicken quesadillas, pineapple, and a cuppy cake. I will stop at nothing to get at least one of these guys to stick around.

Funfetti FTW!

Here's hoping that finally, truly, fourth time is a charm. Beta is a week from Saturday at 9dp5dt.

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*PDLAMBLATI- Please don't look at my business, look at THESE instead!

Mmmm... Crow... (fert report)

So remember that whiny girl who was complaining on Saturday about how she only retrieved 21 eggs? Because, hey! 21 is way less than 36. Even though those 36 got her diddly squat? Yeah, her.

She's eating a healthy serving of crow right now.

We found out that out of those 21 egg-tastic ovum, 18 were mature.

Of the 18 mature, 17 fertilized.

Yeah, baby :)

Last time, of the 36 retrieved, 22 were mature, and 18 fertilized. So we're pretty much on the same damn track. Just with better bang for our buck.

I knew my whining was premature, but I just couldn't help it. I'll blame it on the hormones and anesthesia haze.

I'm recovering quite well, I must say. I am much more mobile than last time, and don't feel the need to physically hold my stomach to my body hunched over every time I get up. I was even (barely) able to sleep on my stomach the night of retrieval... not bad! I am, however, bleeding still, though I guess that's to be expected when they have to poke your lady bits FOUR TIMES to get to one ornery ovary. Not so much blood that I *need* to wear a liner, but enough that I know it's still fresh. And pink/red. (thank you baby aspirin)

The only annoying part is that it took nearly 48-hours and four colace pills for my post-op-poop. Which was frickin' glorious, I tell you. I'm down 1.5 pounds from transfer morning, which is a great sign too- fingers crossed that I escaped the dreaded OHSS!

Our check with the clinic today revealed that all 17 are still cleaving, though I don't have details on how many cells everyone has (which drives me bonkers). We'll get another report tomorrow. It's almost certainly going to be a day 5 transfer on Thursday.

Hope. I just... might... have it...

Retrieval Complete

21 eggs.

Righty was "textbook, picture perfect."

Lefty was an underperforming difficult beeyatch. Much fewer eggs were retrieved from her than we expected, and they were much harder fought.

Ungrateful J is a wee disspapointed, since we got so many less than last time, but I'm hoping beyond hope that they're all much better quality. And don't pull an "all it takes is one" because we want three kids. (though not all at once, Emily!)

But overall, happy. Maturity and fertilization report tomorrow. Thanks for all the well wishes- they've been wonderful!!

Retrieval PDLAMBLATI*