My Ovaries Suck. (Stim Day 4)

I know we've established this fact on many, many occasions, but I still need to put this out there- my oves suck big fatties. It's just today, when they were supposed to put on a good show for me and Dance! Dance my pretties, dance! they didn't.

We had our first ultrasound today for the Redux, and didn't see much. Lots of littles, with the biggest around 7mm max. Honestly, Dr S didn't even measure them and continued calling them "antral" follies. But fine, it's only stim day 4, I can handle that. We didn't even have an ultrasound until day 6 last time, so I didn't have anything to compare to.

Then my e2 results came back- a big, fat, whopping 62. Last time on stim day 4? We were 892.

Now before you get your panties all in a bunch and tell me that every cycle is different, I KNOW that. I know not to expect the same results, because clearly we don't WANT the same results. Last cycle didn't exactly work out the way we had hoped, so different is good.

It just seems (to me at least) that this is a bit *too* different to be good.

Dr S believes that the near-six months of birth control and FET's suppressed me more than we thought, and it's taking a little longer to get going. He doesn't believe that this will do anything other than delay retrieval by a day or two. Suck-tastic!

We were conservative with ordering meds since we cut doses so quickly last time, so now I need to order a ton more. We're going slowly so we don't end up with too much, but still. I had some incredibly generous donations from Lauren at Not Just An Army Wife and Jamie aka The Womb Warrior, which cut our medication bill WAY down. Thank goodness, because that part is going to get much more expensive than we had bargained for. And I'm cheap so this makes me angry.

Sigh. We're holding doses and re-checking on Saturday (rather than upping the dose and yo-yo-ing around with super high e2's that will probably come anyways).

Click Me! Click Me!

For you IVF vets out there- what were your e2 results on day 4 of stims? And how many days did you end up stimming for?

Berry or Blue?

So Project Less Fatass-ness is in effect.

Kindof.

Or rather, it will be once we are through with this FET and back from vacation. So really, it'll fully be in effect in just under a month.

To prepare, I'm buying a bicycle. Also, I think my residency card for the town I live in will be revoked if I don't purchase a bicycle soon. And even more also, Dr Boy "bought" me a bike for my birthday... 13 months ago... so it's high time I finally pick one out! (this year's "purchase" was a ski jacket, which I'm fairly certain will wait until at least Dec)

Which I did, but it's not in stock, and I need to order it on Monday to get the sale price. What color though???

Berry?

Or Blue?

I'm leaning towards Berry (it'll show less dirt, I won't get tired of it). But blue is fun too! Decisions, decisions... 

(For you bike savvy folks, it's the Trek 7.2 FX)

(Thank you, Trek, for your images)

Dear Santa... (and the plan)

First, I told you that all I wanted for Christmas was a positive pregnancy test, preferably my own.

I understand the confusion, as you may have overheard me telling my husband about these super cute galoshes, and my mom about a Le Creuset dutch oven, and my in-laws about some new running gear.

Totally get it.

But I probably should have been more clear. And maybe omitted the "preferably my own" part. Though you did come through! I mean, not for Dr Boy and I, but for Rebecca, and W&W, and Megan, and AMiracle, and Heather, and Jenn, and @mhamer33, and @_ttc_2003, and @EndoJourney, my cousin, and my new friend K.

Yeah.

Thank you for helping all of them, and the others I'm sure I'm forgetting. Each and every one of them deserves this win so, so very much. Though, I'm fairly certain that there's only three of us whom I cycled with that aren't pregnant right now. Which, to be honest, is pretty damn good stats, which is why I'm thanking you, Santa.

Do you think you might have something else in 'ya though? Or, could you contact Cupid, or St Valentine, or one of the President's we celebrate on Presidents Day?

Because we could really use a win. This time? I'm amending my request.

One positive pregnancy test, please. Definitely my own.

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Good news at the RE visit yesterday. Got the usual "Sometimes the best embryos just don't stick, and the crappy ones do" speech, which I was expecting. I know there wasn't going to be any good reason why this didn't work.

We then got down to the business of our FET. Dr S is definitely on the same page as we are- getting this show on the road ASAP. As such, we're going to start BCP as soon as my period arrives, which it keeps threatening. I have totally AF cramps, to the point t where I feel like it's a repeat of the Great Toilet Paper Watch of 2011. I'm not quite to the point of tempting fate with lacy undergarments and white pants, but if we're a no-show this weekend, AF better watch out. I won last time, if you remember.

He wants me on BCP for a min of 3 weeks, at some point starting some lovely Lupron injections to keep me suppressed. I'll come off the BCP, do some u/s's to check out my lining, take some estrogen, start me some PIO-goodness, then transfer in early February, along with the rest of the patients on the Jan/Feb calendar. Bueno. Oh, yeah, and he definitely wants to transfer two again. So we don't have to have that fight later :)

If all goes well, I'll be PUPO by Valentine's Day. Though I have a ski trip planned to Breckenridge the weekend before V-Day, so we'll be planning around that. Maybe the elevation will help???

Could I ask you guys for input again? If you've had one, what did your FET med calendar look like? What kinds of meds were you taking, when, etc. If you've written a post on it, you can direct me there. I feel like all the research I did was on the fresh part of the cycle, not the frozen parts. Thanks!

I'm happy. I still have a crazy low trigger for crying, but honestly, I did before. Not this bad, but not all that abnormal either. I may or may not have cried during Top Chef last night.

Ultimately, I'm just glad to have a plan to get through the holidays, something to focus on instead of the pain and hurt that this cycle ended up as.

Ode to my BCP

You are now done.

Let's have some fun.

With ovulatory action.

And a bun to put in my ovun.

Today I took my last birth control pill. Quite the exciting swallow. (that's what she said) (yes I'm mature enough to parent) (or at least i will be in 9 months)

I do have a dilemma though, and I'd love some advice. Initially, my protocol involved me taking 22 BCP's, which would make tomorrow my last. Back in the day that I thought I actually needed birth control, I used to get a CD1 about 5 or 6 days after the last pill, which in this case would be Wed or Thurs. I'm supposed to have a baseline u/s on CD1, then start stims on CD2. Right now that u/s is scheduled for Tues, which I think will be too early.

Soooo... I talked to my nurse and she said to cut it down to 21 pills. Hopefully pulling my cycle up by one day and making everything hunky dory.

My question- do I take the 22nd pill or not?

I'm so afraid of timing this all right. I kindof with that it weren't overlapping Thanksgiving, but I guess it is what it is. At least this way we'll know if it was successful before Christmas. Which will be good or bad.

I think I'm just going to call it quits at 21, but I'm still nervous. The RN mentioned that I can still have my baseline u/s on Tuesday, whether I've gotten CD1 or not, so I guess we'll just go with it.

Watch, I'm going to start this weekend and it'll be all screwed :) Because that's what you get when you try and plan, right?

If vs When

During the meeting with our IVF nurse on Monday, I was very aware of the fact that she used the phrase "When" each time she referred to the success of our cycle. I usually use "if".

If AF arrives in time before Thanksgiving.

If I respond well to the stims.

If we retrieve enough mature eggs.

If we fertilize any of those mature eggs.

If we get to transfer this month.

If we get a BFP.

If I manage to carry to term.

All this iffy-ness is exhausting. But I can't quite bring myself to use the when. I mean, I do use it occasionally when someone pesters me about my craptastic attitude, but I always do it with an exaggerated eye roll. (who me? snarky? no......)

Infertility is a crazy bitch. Much like me. She plays this awful game of "Get your hopes up! Cross your fingers! It's totes going to work this time!!! Believe in the Power of Positive Thinking!!!" then at the end of a cycle, changes her tune to "Well, I mean, you knew there was only a small chance of success, right? You're infertile, did you really think it'd be that easy? Nanner nanner short luteal phase! There's always next time! Next time will be the one!" IF is a delicate dance of guarding against failure while desperately hoping for success. But not hoping so much that you end up in the bathtub eating a pizza and bawling your eyes out at the end of failed cycle. Because let's be honest, we've all ended up in that bad place in some shape or form at the end of a disheartening toilet paper check and there is nothing you can do to drag yourself out of it but cry it out. And indulge in delicious cheesy carbs.

I haven't decided when I'm going to let myself transition from if to when. Maybe it'll happen on its own. Maybe it won't happen at all. Maybe it'll be when I carry the mini-Meier home from the hospital. Whenever it does, when will be the most wonderful feeling in the world.

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Also!!! Lest I forget to ask. I never get a flu shot. Ever. Never had one. Despite Dr Boy bringing home every pediatrics-related virus in the world, I never get the darned shot. This year, though... with that whole, if we get pregnant off this IVF cycle thing, I'm wondering if I should just go ahead and bite the bullet. What's one more injection in the grand scheme of things, right? And I was thinking of doing it before IVF gets under way. That way I won't have to get it *while* pregnant or going through treatments. Advice from all you lovely ladies? I'm going in for my saline sono tomorrow and it would be a convenient chance to do it. Muchos gracias!


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Also, to the person that googled "gre.at+dri.nker+an.d+su.ck.er+of+sp.e.r.m" to get to my blog? Eff off. What the HELL did I ever type to get pinged from THAT search?