Yep, still pregnant (15dp5dt, beta #3)

I took ya'lls advice and pretty much stopped peeing on things. I did break down yesterday because I was having a bout of the crazies (shocker, i know), and used another 33c cheapie- the line came up so fast I could hardly blink :) And it was as dark as the control line, so yay that!

I had been having some serious anxiety this week about the "delayed" ultrasound, so I sucked it up and emailed my doctor about coming in on the originally intended date- Friday the 13th. Because he's awesome, he said yes! Whoop! At that point, though, I felt so tremendously guilty about going over the nurse's head that I couldn't bring my sissy ass to call and schedule it, so I did what any self-respecting, strong, independent woman would do.

I made my husband call  :) Between that and the foot rubs? He's a keeper! My first ultrasound is now scheduled for Friday the 13th at 7am pdt.

This is all a VERY good thing, because my beta today threw things up in the air again. Good things, but things nonetheless. It came back at 1845 (doubling time 38 hours)- now a bit above the twin average, both for actual betas and doubling time, according to Betabase.

Recap:
Beta One (8dp5dt or 13dpo): 80
Beta Two (10dp5dt or 15dpo): 202
Beta Three (15dp5dt or 20dpo or 4w6d): 1,845

From BabyMed.com

Please don't hate me for saying this, and I know anyone that's not pregnant/parenting yet will want to punch me in the face, but I was actually pretty upset at the possibility of having a singleton. Yep, I said it. Hear me out though.

It's not that I wasn't grateful- seriously, I am astounded to be where I am right now, incredibly grateful, and so happy to be enjoying each and every day that I can call myself pregnant. I've never been able to do that before, and will cherish it as much as possible. What was getting me down was the loss of another embryo. I know it is all still hypothetical until the u/s (and birth, really), but I was feeling a lot of sadness that yet another little piece of Dr Boy and myself had pooped out. That I had failed it. I have so much sadness in me for all of the embies that didn't make it, and having yet another to add to that list made me pretty upset.

Like I said, half of you are pissed off at me now, and I get that. I'd be pissed of at me too if the roles were reversed. But, it's how I was/am(?) feeling, so I wanted to get it down. Because I think it's ok to be sad for what we've lost AND be thrilled and grateful for what we have. Both, at the same time, and neither one diminishes the other.

So yeah. I'm trying not to get my hopes up for *anything* in particular, just an intrauterine pregnancy that looks on track one week from now. And for you all to understand and not call me a selfish ingrate.


(oh and remind me to tell you soon about how I swear I'm developing late-onset mild OHSS, if that's even frickin' possible)

Houston, we have a doubler (10dp5dt, beta #2)

Great news from our beta yesterday. It came back at 202!

That's a doubling time of 36 hours.

I take a double-double, please!
From BabyMed.com

We are, for the time being, growing a little human in my belly. Go figure! The levels continue to be above average for a singleton, but below average for twins. I'm going to call "just one" for now, and see what happens. I am so so grateful to be here.

The MAJOR downside to today has been scheduling the first ultrasound. Originally, the clinic said I could come in at 5w6d, on Friday the 13th (which I consider an incredibly lucky day). When I called to make the appt today, the nurse wouldn't even consider it. She said that they'd "let" me come in early than they'd like, at 6w5d, Thursday the 19th. I, of course, lost my shit and started shaking/crying, because that's what I do best. I know there isn't much to see that early, but honestly, I'm already dying knowing I have to wait that long to find out how many and whether they're in the right spot. And to have gotten my hopes up, thinking I'm already three days into this next infernal TWW, only to have it turn into 17 days from now?

I'm gonna die.

But oh gee, to make it less difficult, they'll let me go in for some extra betas. Instead of Thursday, I'm supposed to go in on Friday for my third, and next Wed the 11th for a fourth.

That's not going to help. My betas still rose when I had my chemical, so that doesn't really help. I'm just mad that I was told one thing, then was switched to one week later.

Please, I know there's not much to see. All I wanted was to see a sac in the right spot, and to know how many sacs there are.

And don't hate me for bitching about the downfalls of being pregnant- I'm just hormonal and super frustrated, and so terribly anxious, and terrified this is all going to come crashing down. It's hard switching your mindset. And I'm scared.

Part 2- Transfer Day (3dp5dt)

So Dr Boy is funny. He's all, That's so mean of you to just stop the story where you did! I know how it turns out and even *I* want to know how it ends!

So I apologize for making you wait. And I feel bad because some of the comments of gotten so far are going to be all "ohhhh, yeah.... ummmm.... I mean, what you decided is fine too! Swearzies!" Or you'll be judgy mcjudgersons but that's ok too.

And, we're back.

Saturday, Dec 10: After a short but restful sleep, we head in for the transfer. Still pretty emotionally exhausted from all the one-or-two talk from the day and night before, but still comfortable to transfer one embie, given the right circumstances.

Transfer PDLAMBLATI.
I call them my embry-ho-ho-ho socks :)

We (my mommasita, Dr Boy, and I) waited nervously in the waiting room, and were called back a few minutes later. I had woken up with cramps that day, worse than I had actually had on Friday, so I was kindof terrified they wouldn't let us go through with the transfer. I was overreacting of course, but still. After I'm ready on the table, Dr S comes in and gives us our day 5 embryology report.

Which threw me into a breakdown of epic proportions and a tailspin of indecision.

Of our perfect embies, the ones that were growing in mass quantities at the proper speed, had failed us. Only 1 of the 17 (!!) still growing on that day had reached blast. On effing day 5.

Sheeeeeeet.

That was not part of the plan!!! We had not accounted for that possibility in our calculations!!! We had decided to transfer one, knowing that we'd likely have a bunch of other blasts to freeze for backup.

And we didn't have the reinforcements we were planning on. The reinforcements that would qualify us for the elective single embryo transfer program (ESET- 2 free frozen cycles if this godforbid failed). The reinforcements that would make us feel secure in only transferring one.

Here are some reasons I shouldn't have started sobbing and staring back and forth at my mom and Dr Boy. And flipping out not knowing what to do.
- Our blast? It was picture perfect. And given the highest grade our clinic gives out. So it was a pretty awesome blast.
- We still had 16 others growing, a bunch of which weren't far behind. By the embryologist's guess, only off by 6-12 hrs.
- If others hit blast *that day*, we *might* be able to retroactively qualify for the ESET program.

Of course, none of that was truly sinking in. All that was going through my damn head was that we only had one damn blast to transfer and now what the hell do we do.

Dr S really asked the question that put it into perspective. In a week, when we're going in for the beta, what question would we be saying to ourselves. Awww eff-balls, we could be having twins! Or, Awww, eff-balls, what if this doesn't work.

Dr Boy decided it for us- we go with two. The fear of failure at that point in time far outweighed the fear of a multiple pregnancy. With all the things that can go wrong between morula and blast, it's no sure bet that the rest would get there. It's no sure thing that even a picture perfect embie will stick. And we were never really driven by the financial incentive of ESET to begin with.

It was completely NOT the decision that I expected to walk out of the office having made, but I'm so glad we did. So glad. I still feel a bit selfish, but what's done is done, and I know that given the circumstances, we did what we needed to do to feel confident that this cycle was handled properly, both by us and our Dr.

Meet our little embies, a *perfect* blast, and a compacting blast, whatever that means.

We love them already. More than you can imagine.
(NO! I'm NOT crying right now. I don't know what you're talking about.)

I spent the rest of the day horizontal, relaxing and watching tv, and eventually saying goodbye to mommasita who had to head back to LA LA land. It was so, so amazing to have her here for the week. I would *not* have recovered as quickly without her. And I also would have driven Dr Boy batshit crazy. 

Sunday, Dec 11: Uhhhh.... boring day. Still horizontal on the couch. More movies. And resting. And... what is that? Period crampiness? Wha wha? I hear that's a good thing, but seriously, it felt like I was about to get my period. I'm still having them, but Sunday and Monday were the strongest, for sure. 

The other entertaining part about Sunday! I had just told the IVF nurse the day before about how the PIO shots were totally not that bad, and I'm so lucky to have a Dr at home injecting me, and blah blah blah PIO is totally not the devil. Then BAM. I can't feel my ass. For serious. I guess the needle (inevitably) went through a minor superficial nerve, and as Dr Boy was rubbing the site after the shot, I realized I couldn't feel it. Awesomesauce. It's mostly just on the surface, I can still feel the deep tissue and all, but no surface feeling. At all. I changed my mind about the PIO that night.

------------------------------------------------

This is long enough so I'll tell you about the final Day 7 embryology report, and how many (if any) we had to freeze. Or you could just look on my sidebar to the right. And tell me that I'm a big baby over-reacting nincompoop. Or you could wait until I type it all up tomorrow when I'm not exhausted.

Thanks for sticking with me! Only 4 1/2 days until my beta!!!

Short and Sweet (CD4)

I've been hanging out with family since Wednesday which has been AWESOME. I am starting to get spread a bit thin though. My parents, grandma, brother, uncle, uncle's gf and her two kids, and my parents two dogs all came up to visit, some at our house, and some at the hotel. I am so thankful they're all here, but the reason they came up here? I have work. 6am to 2pm. Every. Day. So I'm kindof flippin' tired now. Really. Really. Tired.

Oh? Also? Today was our fourth day of shots. We were out at dinner at 6:30, when it was time, we headed back to the bathroom and did the deed there. How's THAT for a quickie! The menopur burns more than it used to, though we were given 27 gauge needles this time instead of the 31 gauge needles we used during our IUIs. They are DEFINITELY worse, and I highly recommend requesting the 31's. For serious. Also, the follistim is leaving little bruises. Very, very annoying.

Last, we went to see Hugo tonight, in 3-D. The first act was a bit slow, but once it got going, the movie was truly beautiful. Highly recommend, but not for kids. Too slow. But beautiful. That's not the point of mentioning that though. They had previews for some other movies coming out... one of which was the re-released Titanic in 3-D. It brought me right back to senior year of high school, when I saw the movie in the theaters THREE TIMES. And bawled my flippin' eyes out. THREE TIMES. Glutton for punishment, this one is :)  So back to the preview. Just watching it? Bawled my eyes out. Damn stims. I was quite the source of entertainment for my family today!

Ode to my BCP

You are now done.

Let's have some fun.

With ovulatory action.

And a bun to put in my ovun.

Today I took my last birth control pill. Quite the exciting swallow. (that's what she said) (yes I'm mature enough to parent) (or at least i will be in 9 months)

I do have a dilemma though, and I'd love some advice. Initially, my protocol involved me taking 22 BCP's, which would make tomorrow my last. Back in the day that I thought I actually needed birth control, I used to get a CD1 about 5 or 6 days after the last pill, which in this case would be Wed or Thurs. I'm supposed to have a baseline u/s on CD1, then start stims on CD2. Right now that u/s is scheduled for Tues, which I think will be too early.

Soooo... I talked to my nurse and she said to cut it down to 21 pills. Hopefully pulling my cycle up by one day and making everything hunky dory.

My question- do I take the 22nd pill or not?

I'm so afraid of timing this all right. I kindof with that it weren't overlapping Thanksgiving, but I guess it is what it is. At least this way we'll know if it was successful before Christmas. Which will be good or bad.

I think I'm just going to call it quits at 21, but I'm still nervous. The RN mentioned that I can still have my baseline u/s on Tuesday, whether I've gotten CD1 or not, so I guess we'll just go with it.

Watch, I'm going to start this weekend and it'll be all screwed :) Because that's what you get when you try and plan, right?

Anxiety.

Ya'll, I am terrified right now.

I have an IVF consult meeting in 90 minutes. I made that appointment two weeks ago, when I went in for my WFT appt for the failed IUI #2. I figured I'd at least make the appointment, so that Dr Boy and I could discuss the matter while we were on vacation the following ten days.

We went on vacation. We had a BLAST. (side note: i heart boston. and maple syrup. and db's grandma.) We bam-chicka-bammed. And it was FUN. All of it, not just the pervy stuff, you pervs!

Dr K found a 22mm cyst on my right ovary during the WTF. That was the one that measured either 14 or 15mm the day we triggered, not the 18.5mm on the left that we thought would be the mature baby-maker. I kept thinking, "Awwww, it's mommy's first cyst!" Dr K said to go about our business and let the cyst shrink on its own. I felt some pain for the next few days in that region, but it's mostly gone away, as hopefully the cyst has. He even said to OPK CD12-20 just in case I had that miraculous rebound that sometimes happens.

No miracles here, but that's not the point.

The point is, I have my IVF consult in 90 minutes, and I'm terrified.

I know with all my heart now that it's what we need to do next. We need this. Both of us. To know that we're trying everything we possibly can. To get on with being normal again. To become parents.

Right now though, sitting here on my first day back to work after vacation, I'm flipping my shit. What if the cyst didn't go away? What if it doesn't shrink with BCP? Can we get an IVF cycle in with a retrieval before Christmas? Why does Christmas matter I'm jewish! Why will stims work this time when they've been so sheisty before? Will they judge us for making this decision after only two IUI's and three clomid cycles?

And the biggest one of them all: Will this get us our take-home baby?

Wish me luck. I've never felt this full of anxiety. And I think I'm going to vomit from it.

Depression Hurts. A baby can help.

I'm not good at the TWW. I'm 10 DPO today. No testing yet.

I get depressed. I've suffered from clinical depression since my senior year in college. I started to see a therapist for a little while, then started Lex.apr.o. I felt a whole lot better, but a little numb. Like, couldn't cry during dumb movies, which for me was a huge difference.

When we decided to TTC, I weaned off the drugs. I let it take three months to wean off a silly 10mg rx. But I did it, and I was *ok*. Ish. Fast forward three years, because we're coming up on the anniversary of when I officially stopped taking the drugs altogether. I still go through rough patches, for sure. I can feel them coming on, and it usually last a few days.

Retreat, ignore phone calls, make excuses not to see people. Take on a cranky pants attitude with Dr Boy. Take long afternoon naps, refuse to cook. Sometimes it's bad enough that I'll call in sick to work. But I know I come out of it within a couple of days. It's often preceded by a few days that are just awesome. Like the universe balancing me out- can't have too much happiness now, that's not in the cards.

The happy this time around has been a series of amazing workouts. I've been running again, and Monday night I went to a swim class again. I kicked ass in swim, and while I'm still one of the worst runners in my class, I'm getting better. Stronger.

So of course the sinking started Tuesday. I can't focus at work. I have quite literally done ZERO work at work this week. I feel awful and sick to my stomach admitting that, but it's the truth. I have been getting headaches every afternoon. I've been short with Dr Boy. I mustered up enough energy to make pasta and leftover chicken for dinner.

I hate it.

I know I'll be ok. I really just want this to be worth it. Living better through a chemical-free lifestyle better be worth it.

Please just let this be the time it works.

Does this shade of crazy look good on me?

Apparently it does. To recap the drama'z:

CD15: estadiol 84, all follies under 10mm, decide to *try* to keep going another few days
CD16/17: IVF/FET freakout
CD18: estradiol 226, yippee! U/S scheduled for CD20
CD19: estradiol 428, extra yippee!
CD20: Ultrasound showed an 18.5mm follie on lefty, and a 15mm and 14mm on righty. Uterine lining 9.4mm (up from 8.2 for IUI #1)

Score! It would appear that my body thrives on crazy, which is a good thing because I don't see that changing any time soon. We decided to trigger that night (which was Saturday), then do the IUI Monday morning. Rock the heck on! Even better was having Dr Boy at the ultrasound so he could see the excitingness that is a successful follicle-finding ultrasound. Bonus: He was able to reschedule his first hour of patients Monday morning so he could be there when the plunger was pushed :) Silly, but still meaningful to me. And him. Saturday night's trigger was super easy, again, the easiest shot of the 18 we had to administer this go-around.

It didn't end up going as smoothly as we had hoped Monday morning. We dropped off the goods, and came back an hour later for our 8:40am appt. OK, we actually showed up about 15 min before that in hopes that we could get the show on the road, and DB to his clinical duties asap. We let them know we were back, and proceeded to see everyone else in the waiting room enter, then exit the dr's offices. Dr Boy can get a wee bit high strung sometimes, especially when it comes close to him being late for something. Like work. Which cannot happen. By 8:55am, we asked the receptionist what the heck was going on, because if we didn't get called back in the next minute or two, DB was going to have to leave. She said we were "coming right up."

Didn't happen. DB left at 9am. There was much anxiety on his part, but I was doing my best to stay in my zen place for happy fertilizing. I was called back at 9:10, and when questioned about the timeliness (or lack thereof) of the appt, the NP performing the IUI proclaimed that she wasn't running late! Yeah, 30 minutes past an appt time generally constitutes running late, but whatever. Zen place. It is what it is, and the fact that Dr Boy was able to come to the appt sat, and be there for at least the waiting on in the morning was wonderful. I asked about the stats, but all they note is whether the post-wash sample has > 20 mil and > 50% motility. Which is did :)

Despite the pre-game dramaz, the IUI went very well (I think). I definitely felt the catheter going past the cervix because I'm blessed (ha!) with a super-sensitive cervix, but there was no pain or cramping the rest of the day like IUI #1. There was quite a bit of discharge about an hour later though, which combined with the lack of pain makes me worried that the sample wasn't deposited in my ute. Again, going to my zen place, because it is what it is at this point. Surely she knew what she was doing, right? Right? And if not, well, we supplemented the process just in case.

So now I'm 1 DPO and on the crazy scale? Probably down around a 1 or so. Fantasticness.

So there you have it.... from inaction to insemination in seven days flat! And the boobs are already getting sore so I know there's at least some progesterone floating around my system.

I'm.... dare I say it... excited!

And for you, dear readers, I have a question- what do you all do during the TWW to promote implantation? I don't have enough crazy going on right now, and I desperately need help coming up with something to fill that void! Hope you're all well!

(PS- come on, you know you want to "join this site" google-style... giveaway at 50!)

On the third day of crazy, my neurosis gave to me...

An estradiol that tripled after additional injections three.

So that sentence didn't really make grammatical sense, but it rhymed and that's what counts. Some time in the last two days of crazy, I'd noticed some twinges in the mid-section. Almost like you get in the days leading up to AF. I *thought* I remembered those from last cycle, but I was fairly certain that I was making that up because my ovaries were lazy sacks of laziness. Certainly not happy, chipper, and functional like this girl:

Is she not the cutest thing you've ever seen? 

Image courtesy iheartguts.com

Apparently I was wrong. (or is it right?) I had a blood draw this morning to see what the extra three days of stims, which were increased in dosage to three vials of menopur apiece. We were hoping for anything above 150. After a four and a half hour wait that felt like FOREVAH because I'm impatient, results were in.


226.


As in, there is most definitely something growing all up in there. Something fun and pre-baby-like. So pardon the crazy that has spewed forth onto the blog in the last few days... I promise, it was from the estrogen flooding my system. I cannot be held accountable for my actions. I really hope none of you took offense to my IVF and FET fears- I swear I don't think that any FET babies are really second-class citizens. It was the crazy talking. And I really don't have anything against them AT ALL, I don't judge the decision to go forward with any of it. I just hadn't gotten there mentally yet.


I have now. If this cycle were to have been cancelled due poor response, Dr Boy and I decided to say eff it and go to IVF next cycle. Which we won't have to do now, but we had at least made peace with the decision. In the amazing talk we had together, he finally said that he's tired of the waiting too. Not just doing this to placate the crazy woman that has taken over his wife's body, but actually because he wants things to move faster too. That he's tired of being childless too. It was such a relief to hear that. I've always known he supports me in this, but now I truly know he wants it all just as badly as I do. NOW.


I'm just waiting to hear from the RE about when to come in for an u/s to take a look at what's brewing, and when we'll trigger. I am so happy now. A reason for the crazy. A positive response to the stims. The possibility of getting pregnant.


I think I'm already glowing.


(PS- If you're a follower, could you do me the honor of being an official "follower" on google connect? I want to do a giveaway when I hit 50.... woohoo!!!)

On the second day of crazy, my neurosis gave to me...

....A healthy dose of "Am I being melodramatic?"

Sometimes, OK, most of the time, I really feel like the answer to that one is a resounding HELL YES. Woe is NOT me. There are way worse things in the world going on than this, and I should be thankful that this is my biggest problem. Or some psychobabble like that.

My second huge bout of batshit crazy is feeling like I'm taking this all way too seriously. Like, I'm still in my 20s (though there's no chance of having a full-term, or even viable at this point, baby while still in my 20s). We don't suffer from any male-factor issues. We've only had ONE failed injectables cycle, and one that isn't really getting off the ground. And even THIS one isn't completely over yet, I'm just flipping out because it's not moving at the time-table that Dr K prefers.

What I mean is, have we given this enough of a chance? Is my ansy-pants neurotic brain giving up too quickly? Am I rushing this process simply because IVF is a completely viable option for us?

Let's recap my batshit craziness.

1. Even though I'm not morally or religiously against it, I can't help but think that IVF is going to make a mutant Dr Boy/Weather Girl hybrid child that will grow up to destroy the universe. Even though it won't do that for anyone else that uses it to get their baby.

2. Am I rushing this process and not giving injectables enough rounds to fight it out?

Ooooh... and one of my favorites that I haven't expanding upon yet...

3. Am I destined to require IVF to make me all of my babies? Because I want three, 'yall. At least two, but I think I'd rather populate the world with three mini-Meier's. You'll thank me later, unless they're universe-destroying hybrids.

And another!
4. What about FET's? Aren't those basically the embryo's that weren't good enough to make the first cut? Are my second and third kids destined to never live up to the first-born, because they were of diminished quality to begin with?

I am so mentally effed up right now. The biggest batshit crazy worry I have right now is #2- Are we giving this enough of a try? And even if we're not, does that really matter? Is it worth going through this mental mind-eff any more months than we have to just to maybe have an IUI work? Is it worth the $$ cost of IVF just to be less mentally effed up and more physically knocked up?

I just don't know.


(Also, a big warm welcome to all of you heading over here from ICLW! Thanks for stopping by, and I hope the mid-cycle crisis you're finding me in this week doesn't scare you away. If anything, it should make you feel better for not being as certifiable as yours-truly! I realized that in my three-word descriptors, I used "keeping sane-ish" as one. Clearly that's not happening so sorry for the mis-label!)

Lockdown, and Darwin.

Yesterday, I was in a bad place. I had my bloodwork drawn in the morning so it would be ready for my afternoon u/s appt. After 12 days of stims (3 vials for the first three days, 2 vials for the remaining 9 days), my estradiol had only climbed to 84. I knew going into the appt that there wouldn't be anything to see, and the nurse hugged me when I started crying as she let me into the room. The u/s was just as we thought. The biggest p-o-s follicle was still sitting around 8mm. If you remember from last time, this was the same day in the cycle that we found my miracle 19, 15, and 14mm follies and subsequently triggered. Lightning didn't strike twice.

Lots of tears later (the nurse said I even made her tear up), we went back to Dr K's office to talk about what to do next. We had two options. First, we could scrap this cycle and start provera today, and start over in two weeks. That option doesn't work for us, since we leave for Boston mid-Oct and wouldn't get through stims before I had to leave. Second, we could do a "prolonged cycle", and up my dosage a little to see if it helps. I got the impression that Dr K wasn't a real big fan of prolonged cycles, but the tears streaming down my face gave him the prompt to go ahead and try it anyways. We're going up to three vials (starting last night) and drawing more blood on Thursday. If things look good (e2>150), I'll come in for an u/s that day or fri am.

I know that whole book "The Secret" would scream at me right now, but I'm fairly certain that this won't work. My ovaries, which have in the past displayed a resolve which would easily rival the security at Ft Knox or even the skirt-wearing guards at Buckingham Palace, are at it again. You'd think that someone told them they're getting paid for every egg they KEEP, rather than every egg they RELEASE. If you love you some ovum, set them FREE!

And then there's the whole issue of quality. I have this deep-seeded fear that by doing this extended cycle, or fertility treatments in general, that I'm forcing something to happen that shouldn't. I know that's total crap, and that myth was busted a TON of times during NIAW. But still, I can't help but wonder if these eggs are staying put for a reason. Am I going to o an imperfect egg by stimming for so long? I mean, in unmedicated cycles, ovulating late is a sign of poor egg quality. How is it not the same here? Is there something wrong with me that we don't know about that is preventing me from ovulating, something that shouldn't be passed down to future generations?

Don't mind me while I get all philosophical now. Just roll your eyes at me please.

I am a strong believer in evolution. Survival of the fittest? Yes. I know that modern medicine and all has basically put a halt to all of that, but I still can't help but wonder that way back in the day, my bloodline was supposed to run dry with me. How can I believe in what I do, and not think that this is all happening for a reason? A Darwinian reason. This is the big I problem I have with making the decision to go to IVF. With IVF, there's nothing left to chance. ICSI decides what sperm meets what egg, and an embryologist decides what embryos to give back simply based on their appearance. I thought we were supposed to judge people based on what's on the inside, not the outside!! Nature has nothing to do with it!

Before you yell and flame me and my effed up brain, I HAVE NO ISSUE WITH OTHER PEOPLE DOING IVF. None at all. I think it's a great option and am SO SO HAPPY when all of you succeed! But when it comes to MY infertility issues, I can't convince myself that I'm not screwing up the master plan. Which is just a dumb ridiculous double-standard, but I'm having a hard time jumping that hurdle. How can I truly in my heart feel that something is ok for everyone else in the world, but simply refuse to believe it for myself?

It's also a dumb reason to keep doing flailing IUI's.

I'm feeling slightly better about it all today, but I still have no faith in this and have no effing clue where to go next. Dr Boy is willing to go whatever route makes me the least batshit crazy.

Give me a good reason to do another injectables/IUI cycle after this. Please. Because my head and my heart hurt, and I can't decide on my own.

Also? The forced break we'll be on for most of Oct would be a great time to do the requisite month of BCP for IVF, thereby wasting the least amount of time possible.

More Vomit.

I forgot to mention that TVT is brought to you courtesy of Natalie. She's hilarious.

And this kid?

This is Mac. He's Oat's. She's pretty damn funny too. And she makes me feel better about my love of alcohol.

And on to business.

- Had my CD12 u/s yesterday after 9 days of menopur shots. Drumroll please... NO follies over 8mm. Amazing... just like LAST TIME! Oh, and my estradiol is only 72. I'm still fine, mentally (at least about this cycle), since it's so much like last time. Sure, I've got 3 extra vials of menopur floating around in my belly from upping the first 3 days dose, but otherwise? Same shiz different month. Next appt is on Monday.

- Phlebotomist had to draw blood out of the back of my hand. Not conducive to getting a hand massage from Dr Boy. He was gentle though :) Dr Boy, not the phlebo-guy.

- Two pregnancy announcements yesterday. One from a co-worker, and one BAM! facebook ultrasound pic of the kid waving. This is #2 for work guy. We talked about our IF a little after he asked when *I* was going to be making a preggo announcement. At first, I thought "Oh gee, glad people think the IF weight makes me look pregnant". Then I just realized it's because I swoon over the pics of his daughter all the time. He and his wife had three 1st tri miscarriages before their 1st, and are just grateful that things are moving along smoothly so far with TTC #2. The facebook one was a friend from college, who I was actually surprised hadn't gotten knocked up sooner. That one hurt way more than the colleague. I had just gotten home from my dr appt and was telling Dr Boy about the results as I mindlessly floated through facebook. And got this: 

And started crying. It was good times.

- My pregnancy announcement mantra has become "Happy for them, sad for me." I say it a lot.

- At least the weekend won't suck because I have a wine club event tonight in Napa, a fabulous infertility shower thrown by The Womb Warrior tomorrow, and a fancy pants dinner where they talk about cooking your meal and do everything in front of you. So I will be too busy to stalk all the congrats comments on the FB post, yeah?

- I am over the menopur. I know I said it yesterday, but I am so over shots. 

- I got accepted to the BlogHer ad network. Click away!!!

Have a great weekend, 'yall!

Thought Vomit ThursFriday

Thurs-Friday is kindof like brunch or linner, a little bit of both worlds :)

- Had an awful time getting to my u/s appt Tuesday. Between the impossible task of finding a parking spot, not knowing which building the dr was located in (different location than usual), ending up floating around the maternity wards (yes, that really happened), and nearly having a breakdown when I checked in 15 minutes late, I finally made it. Hardly still sane, but made it.

- The u/s showed no follie activity yet. Nothing over 7mm, after 6 days of shots. Whatevs. There weren't any last time around, it just rules out this cycle moving along any faster than last time, really. On one hand, it should still be fine because we did end up with a good, ovulating, follie last time. On the other, it didn't end up making me a baby. So I'm still a bit jaded and disconnected from this cycle a bit more, mentally at least.

- Shots 8 and 9 hurt like a bitch. And bruised. I am so over this. But I can't complain about them too much bc Dr Boy feels like I'm bitching about HIM and the way HE injects me. Which I'm not, I'm just bitching about it in general. Sigh.

- I'm pissed that this cycle isn't moving faster bc it means we won't be able to fit in a third before we leave for Boston and VT in mid-Oct. Because yes, I'm already thinking about next time. I told you I was feeling disconnected about this cycle. Maybe a quick month off would be good though, I don't know. Give my body a chance to relax a little (I hear relaxing gets you pregnant) and lose the 8 lbs I've gained in the last 6 weeks. What the hell am I saying, I'm going to be pissed if this time doesn't work and we have to waste more time. Pissed.

- I'm attempting to cut out processed sugar, at least for a little bit. I was less than 1 lb shy of 190 when I stepped on the scale yesterday, and that is UNACCEPTABLE. Ohhhhhhhhh no. Mmmm mmmmm. I'm taking the AA "one day at a time" approach. I can refrain from peanut m&m's and Grandmother's peanut butter cookies from the snack shack TODAY. I can say no to the skinny cow ice cream sandwich TODAY. I can give away the chocolate brownies left over from our BBQ TODAY. What did Dr Boy say last night? "We need more good dessert options up in this house." Ha. Get used to it.

- I'm fairly certain the low-sugar deal will only last up until my next BFN. Here's hoping, though.

- I am planting beets and lettuce in my fall garden. About to give up on my peppers and zucchini. It's been a bad year for peppers in my 'hood, and I can't seem to get the zucc's any bigger than 4" before they start to turn yellow. Very odd. I thought they grew like weeds!!! Tomatoes are still going strong though. Yum-tastic.

- My self-esteem lately has been ROCK BOTTOM. This one deserves its own post though. Just thought I'd throw it out there.

I have another u/s this afternoon. Hopefully we'll see something more interesting, since it IS CD12 and all.

That is all.

I had a dream...

All day yesterday and last night I was having a lot of anxiety about the ultrasound this afternoon. First off, I was dumb, dumb, dumb to schedule the thing for the afternoon. I mean really, how in the hell am I going to get anything done at work for the next six hours? (Clearly it's not going well so far or I wouldn't be blogging) That aside, I am terrified that my follies will continue to be lame. I am terrified that the giant stomach and weird cramping is a bad sign, not a good one. I don't want to be stimming for the better part of an entire month. I just don't have that in me. I'm only on 2 vials of menopur, for goddsakes, how in the hell will I deal with IVF if we have to go there???

Though I did let quite a bit of stress out in a good ugly cry before dinner, I still had a ton of it floating around in my brain when I went to sleep. And dreamed about my ultrasound.

Dr Boy was there with me (which he won't be able to do today), and as soon as they wanded me, the doctor got all serious. The Dr said that my follie production had gone off the charts, and that our only option at this point was to trigger and do IVF, or call it off and probably lose my ovaries.

SAY WHAT?????????????????

The dream skips, and the next thing I know, I'm being wheeled into an egg retrieval for our impromptu IVF.

That I didn't want, but was apparently our only chance at having a bio-kid ever.


Then I woke up.

This whole thing is such a mind-fuck. Good thing I have SIX HOURS to obsess about it now.

-----------------

Last night's injection hurt. No bruise or anything, just lots of soreness around the area. It's mostly gone now.

Also, I was wondering yesterday... does the transvag u/s see to the other side of your ovaries? I mean, if they don't see any good follies on the u/s, is it possible that there is a fantastic one on the other side? And what about lefty? Lefty seems to always be hiding behind my ute or bowel (which I've been told is a frequent problem), so how do they get good, accurate measurements? How do they know there isn't a hiding fantastic follie, that the dominant one we're trying so hard for isn't just being a stubborn camera-shy p-o-s?

These are the things I think about nowadays.

A List.

Because I've been ill since Saturday, and every time I cough I feel like I have "Shaken-JM-Syndrome", this is the best I can come up with right now. Miss you guys. I'll be back to commenting when I can keep my eyes open for prolonged periods of time.

1. I said eff you to my crampy uterus and started the provera last Wednesday. One more down tomorrow. If it's anything like last cycle, that should give me AF on Sunday, and starting the menopur mid-week.

2. I've had the sore throat from hell combined with 3-pack-a-day smoker's cough since Saturday. Two dr's appt later and all I have to show for it is three less sick days in the bank, some Mucinex D, and Robitussin with codeine... Oh wait... that's not so bad...

3. Spent four of those sick days in LA visiting my family. Had to cancel plans with friends. Spent most of the time in bed. My mom got to take care of me and make me soup. Funny quote "I love that you're sick because it means you need me again". Oh momma-sita, I will always need you! Now can I do it without coughing up bloody phlegm?

4. I am irrationally terrified that the summer flu from hell will prevent me from going forward with this cycle. Please tell me I am an irrational worry-wort.

5. I got back to Nrn CA yesterday to a well-cared-for garden (thanks, Dr Boy!) and loads of ripening tomatoes. Finally!

6. I've lost two pounds in a week. The flu is good for something.

ETA: Do you guys think I should ask for a day 3 FSH and estradoil test? Is never ovulating on my own and not responding to the clomid once (but probably all three times) enough of a concern to have this done?

Facelift!

And just in time for ICLW, too!

Thanks to the fabulous Aly at Bridge Work Blog Design, Meier Madness has a whole new look! I am quite the fan... are you? Aly manages to do a great job at inexpensive blog design, all while figuring the in's and out's of her second high-risk pregnancy (which she talks about over at The Infertility Overachievers). She caught me right in the middle of the Clomid Crazies, and put up with me without a single complaint... more than I can say for Dr Boy :) Seriously though, she's awesome, and won't stop until you LOVE your design. Check her out! And grab my button! I heart it.

--------------------------------------

As for MY infertility overachieving, my body continues to toy with me. I've been having some interesting pre-AF-like cramping since Saturday, and let's just say that since yesterday, I could make my own omelet (TMI? Sorry 'bout that!). I've been putting off starting the provera since I thought maybe I'd cycle on my own, but the addition of the EWCM makes me think my body just tried to o whatever pitiful follies it decided to produce. Oh well. Provera will commence Thursday morning, just in case. After another "glutton for punishment" morning pregnancy test. Good think I bought a bajillion of them for cheap. Based on last time, that should put CD1 on Sunday the 7th, with a good window on either end to go in for my baseline ultrasound and to get my protocol. Which would loosely end my TWW somewhere around Sept 4th-ish. Not that I'm an obsessive compulsive planner or anything...

Thanks for all the menopur advice, too! I'm pretty sure that's what I'll be on. Plus the hCG trigger. And an insemination. Oh boy oh boy!

Just to Eff With Me

Happy ICLW to all of you! To the newcomers, check out this post to see our sordid TTC history. The only addition is an HSG (no problems found), a failed unmedicated cycle, and a failed attempt at an IUI this month (my body decided to scoff at the 100mg clomid). The ovaries think that clomid is SOOOOO lowbrow.

My body has been doing weird things in the last few days. Mainly to eff with me, I think.

- Heartburn. Usually when I'm standing or sitting strait up, in fact. I've been eating pretty darned well, and have no idea where this is coming from.
- Nausea. I feel fairly vomititious in the evenings and mornings. I even threw up Tues evening. (aren't you so glad you knew that?)
- Swollen middle. I'm no skinny minny, but the two pounds I've gained during this cycle went STRAIT to the spare tire. NOWHERE ELSE.
- Exhaustion. I wake up in the morning thinking it's only been an hour or two because GAWD there's no way I've already been asleep for seven hours. Then I look at the clock and want to cry.
- Lots of crying. I'm always an emotional wreck, but right now? Oy vey. Example- Dr Boy and I watched the first two HP movies in the last few days. I cried on no less than 15 occasions during each. Pretty sure I was more amusing to DB than the films.

Let's get one thing strait. I AM NOT PREGNANT. So why the HELL do I have so many symptoms? I reserve the right to complain about pregnancy symptoms while NOT pregnant. That way I can relish in the flowers and rainbows that my constipation will equate to when there's a baby in my belly.

No Longer Confused, just depressed.

And it's over.

I called the RE yesterday thanks to all of your advice, and the nurse said that they usually won't even do an IUI past 20 or 21 days unless the follie looks really good. Which promptly sent me into hysterics in my cubicle at work. Fun. My co-workers must think I'm a crazy person. (side-note: are they really so wrong? prolly not.) She said we can either wait for me to cycle out on my own or blah blah blah blah. To be honest, I kindof tuned the rest out. I did ask if it was worth it to come in and u/s my lady bits to see if maybe I missed the big o somehow, or maybe had a bad batch of opks (lies I tell myself to keep from admitting my ovaries failed me), so we made the appt for that afternoon.

I still had to make it through four hours of work by that point, but did somehow. Not that I was all that productive. The ultrasound showed the same thing as the OPKs. No dominant follicle(s), no corpus luteum indicating I had just missed the +, no apparent response to the clomid whatsoever. Ovaries looked exactly the same as they did on my pre-CD1 scan about four weeks ago.On a happy note, I did have a lovely 7mm uterine lining built up. Looks like the clomid didn't negatively affect that. Oh wait, it didn't affect anything. Except my hot flashes and migraines. Which came back the last two nights. Eff.

Attempted IUI #1 is a no go. Nothing to fertilize! The guy doing the u/s wasn't my regular doc, but he said that he wouldn't be surprised if they had me move on to a "mixed cycle" next time around. I'm not sure what all that entails, just that I'll probably have to shoot myself up with something. I don't have a problem with the mechanics of that, more so with the circumstance. Injectables make this whole IF thing seem much more real. Like I'm really part of "the club" now. I had always kindof felt like a "fake" infertile, since we hadn't gone through hoards of treatment yet. Shooting yourself up, though, qualifies. In my effed up brain, at least. Hence the utter meltdown I had last night. And better half three-quarters of a bottle of wine. It was delicious. And mind-numbing. Which helped, bc Dr Boy didn't get home until 10:30 last night. Bad timing. Pity, Party of One? Your table is ready!

As if I weren't a big enough glutton for punishment, I still used my OPK this morning. Even less negative than the last few mornings. Surprise surprise.

Long story short, I have an appt with my RE Friday afternoon to go over my results (I also did a progesterone blood test yesterday, again, just to see). And to make a plan for the next cycle. Does this count as a WTF appt? I am so ready to start the ten days of provera doom and get this next ball rolling. Because that's the only way I can deal with it.

What was it that Dory (Finding Nemo) said? Just keep swimming swimming swimming swimming....

A case of the crazies

Everyone, please take out your Craze-ometers, and let me know if this email says:

A) "I'm fully invested in my own health plan and appreciate being able to play an active role in my care"

OR

B) "I'm a batshit crazy micromanager. And pushy. And watch out dominant follie, I will be making all the decisions for the next 18 years!!!"

I wrote (and sent) this to the nurse practitioner who's managing our care this cycle.

Subject: Some clarification on this cycle (today is CD3) 

Hi Nurse Practitioner Lady- 

I finished my 10th day of provera on Saturday, and CD1 showed up Monday afternoon. I filled the rx for the chlomid, and I plan on taking 2 pills per day starting tomorrow (CD4).

You and I had talked about a couple of things that I wanted to revisit doing during this cycle. The first was any blood tests or ultrasounds at certain points. Having PCOS makes me very nervous about whether my ovaries are responding to the chlomid, if its thinning my uterine lining, whether I ovulated w/out a trigger, how my hormone levels are post-ovulation. What are your thoughts on this?

Also, Dr Boy is going to drop off his repeat semen-analysis sample today, so we can see how the viscosity issue is. Because it at least showed up once as a problem, he and I are interested in doing an insemination this cycle no matter the results of the analysis. Would this be a viable option for us? We would really like to stack the deck in our favor as much as possible.

Thank you so much!

I guess she didn't think I was too annoyingly bonkers because she responded within a few hours, and I think I may have gotten my way she agreed with our plan of attack this cycle.

Hi JM: 

We would be happy for you to be seen for an ultrasound with ovulation. Call our office on the day of your LH surge for an appt (limited hours on wkends so call early). With the ultrasound we will be able to see your response to the Clomid and we could also check your lining. I'd also be happy to order a progesterone level for you to confirm that ovulation took place. Go to the lab 8 to 10 days after your surge for the blood test. 

Sorry I missed Dr Boy going to the lab (I see the specimen is being processed) because the State of California requires male infectious disease testing prior to doing IUIs. The tests he needs are: HIV, Hep C antibody, Hep B surface antigen, Syphilis and Human T Lymphocyte Virus (HTLV I/II). I've ordered the tests for him to complete. The HTLV takes the longest to return because it's sent out to Quest, so the sooner he gets the blood tests done, the better. You can bring in the signed IUI consents when you are here for the ultrasound. 

Let me know if you have any other additional questions or concerns. It is great to hear from you! See you soon.

Did she? Or is she just pandering to the crazazy? Because sometimes I feel crazazy. Pretty sure they swapped the provera pills for those that eff with you sense of normalcy. Oh well. I get an ultrasound with a +OPK, and I get the blood test after to see if the rockin' follies we are GOING to see did their job. And I (most likely) get to have Dr Boy's woohoo jammed up my lady business. God, this whole making a baby thing is romantic. Dr Boy just luuuuurved getting to give another sample, then go back to the lab at the end of the day to get blood drawn.*****

Tomorrow is CD4, and I'll start the chlomid. Last time I took it, I didn't experience a case of the crazies, or I was at least too entrenched in my own crazy to know that it was happening. Either way, can't wait for the next five days!!!

One more episode of the "JM belongs in an institution" series: I purchased 100 OPKs on Amazon last night.

1. The nurse practitioner said to use the smiley face CBE tests. I've never used them before and don't like the black and white nature of the result. I like to know when I'm getting close. Sooooooo
2. I bought a 40-pack of the cheapies with the two lines. Much more subjective, but it's all about the devil you know, right? I plan on using them both together and comparing. Plus the cheapies cost 1/3 the price of the others so it wasn't exactly a tough choice.

3. I was $4.50 away from the amazon free shipping. Eff. That. So I bought a second 40-pack. If this cycle doesn't work, and the cycle after that doesn't work, I will be SET. And if I DO have a baby in my belly at the end of this TWW, I'll have a sweet giveaway.

*****He did come home proclaiming "I'm holy! I'm holy!" Only he meant holey. As in from the blood draw. He's cute :)