Officially Over

Things could be better. It's all officially over. We had our second ultrasound at 6w4d, a Wednesday, and there was very little growth of the sacs. Double blight ovums, final answer. Sigh.

I had skipped PIO/Estradiol Valerate the night before because really, I just wanted to kick my body into withdrawal as soon as possible. Brought the meds to the appt just in case something leaned towards hanging on longer, but obviously didn't need that. I'm glad I did. I started spotting Friday, and passed the tissue Sunday. While my parents, brother, and his significant other were all visiting. Fun right???

*M/C TRIGGER WARNING*

Any qualms I had before about calling this a miscarriage are completely gone. I don't think I will ever forget the sensation of passing those clots. There was just so much MORE than I ever imagined there to be. I passed 4 or 5 large clots, maybe the size of a mandarin orange? (If we can measure fetuses by their like-sized fruit, so can we with m/c clots.) It was horrible. And really out of nowhere. I was sitting on the couch, and had been having some lower back cramping all morning, then BAM. Gush. Ran up to the bathroom, and plop. On and on for about 3 or 4 hours. It was horrible. I passed smaller clots through the next day, then just heavy period-like flow with stringy clots for another 4 or 5 days, literally. I stopped bleeding for good Mon or Tues of last week, after 9 days of bleeding. Ugh.

*END GRAPHIC DESCRIPTION*

So that's over. I had three betas to follow it back down and make sure my body got rid of everything. Just 3 days after the loss (May 28), my beta was already down to 264. That is crazy to me. At 11 days past the loss, my beta was down to a frustratingly close 8. Final beta was yesterday, at 15 days past, and down to 5. Not pregnant enough to count as not pregnant.

So that's that. We're hoping to get a cycle together for August. For now, I'm working on getting healthy. Like, for serious. I actually joined a gym.

Yeah. So. Loss. Thanks for the love- I honestly had no idea any of you were still out there in a place you could actually find me! Love to see some of you familiar faces :)

It's so hard (blah blah blah)

I've come to realize that one of the reasons I've been avoiding this space is guilt. Guilt over this pregnancy, over making it, complication free, as far as we have, when so many others have not. I've read so many times this exact kind of post from a newly pregnant IF blogger, and rolled my eyes at the "It's so hard to be pregnant finally wah wah woe is me" platitudes. I can't help it, I'm snarky, and it just comes so *easily* to me. (shocker, I know)

But now that I'm here, I feel a lot of those same things. I want to talk ad naseum about the mini, post pictures, record symptoms, talk about plans. I can't help it. It's where I am right now. Which has made me think a lot about this blog, which has thus far been an infertility blog with random bits of outside life thrown in. Mostly? I don't want to feel ashamed to talk about something I am incredibly grateful to have achieved, and am thrilled to be experiencing.

What I've ultimately decided is that this is where I *want* to record all of that- bump pics, ultrasounds, nursery plans, cloth diapering, and hopefully? Baby pics, breastfeeding woes, and what it's like to finally have our child in our arms. So I will. This is my little corner of the interwebs, for better or for worse, and I don't want to move url's every time our lives take on a different focus. I like the continuity.

I totally get the unfollow. Though let's be honest, I've been MIA for three months so I think that particular ship has sailed anyways. I'll unabashedly talk about the pregnancy and the baby, because it's what inspires me right now.

And please, please don't accuse me of infertility amnesia. I will never forget what it felt like to get to this place, and I'm fairly certain that we'll be here again when we're ready for another. I'll continue to root for those of you I've connected with along this journey, no matter what stage you are in as well. This is the goal, right? To get to this place? And even further, with an actual real live baby at home snuggling and cooing and burping at us?

And I'm still terrified that every twinge, every trip to the bathroom, every ultrasound, every EVERYTHING, will result in the other shoe dropping and knocking us out of this game. 

If I say something, or complain about something, please know that I'm still inherently grateful to be where we are, feeling what we are, good and bad.

But I still get to complain. That comes easily to me too.

Infertility Bitch

My Bestie N made me this. Sums it up perfectly!

She really is a big fatty bitchface.


In other exciting news, so is Aunt Flow. Apparently she is embarrassed by the fact that she only has 4mm to shed, so has been forcing uterine cramping since yesterday like it is going out of style. Hopefully, like I say every time, it indeed WILL be going out of style for the next 9-12 months, give or take. Hopefully.

Clearly I need help.

No, seriously, I do.

I keep complaining ad naseum about how I'm still depressed over our Dec IVF failure, and how I'm not excited about our Feb FET, and how the world is grey and I have no motivation and blah blah blah. I know I'm depressed right now. And I know I'm not really doing anything to help the situation, other than sitting here and riding it out. In the years that I've been off the meds (nothing makes you sound like a wack-job quite like saying you're "off your meds"), that's been my main course of action. I have highs, I have lows. The lows suck donkey balls, but they never really last more than a week or so.

I think I've hit my four week mark.

That's too long to "ride it out."

I came to this conclusion over the weekend. Two things really kicked it in the ass for me.

1. Dr Boy went snowboarding and was gone for two days. I had a three-day weekend, and left the house once. Literally. When I let poor Hannah out to potty, I didn't even step outside. I owe her for being such a trooper.

2. I started wondering whether we should even bother with the FET. Clearly I wasn't able to take care of myself or the household, so how in the hell would I take care of a kid? And (in my mind at the time) it probably wouldn't work anyways so why bother with the fuss of it all.


Screeching halt. I was questioning whether or not the mom thing was something I even wanted anymore?

That couldn't be me talking. That had to be the depression. There are a lot of things that I've been questioning lately, and I can't sort out which ones are me and which are the depression. I know the lupron I've been on for over a week now is probably exacerbating things, as is the fact that it's CD2, but still. This isn't me.

So I called up the IVF nurses and asked for a therapist recommendation. They left a message with one to contact me, and unfortunately, I'm still waiting. A day and a half later. But I reached out, and the appt will get made, and I'll have a chance to talk these things out with someone that is equipped to deal with this.

Because I'm tired of whining. And having no motivation to do anything other than sit on the couch. Unshowered. In my pajamas. For three days. (ok i showered once in those three days, i'm not completely gross. and i changed my sheets after, if it makes you feel better.) I'm tired of not doing ANYTHING productive at work. I'm tired of gaining weight form inactivity and emotional eating. I'm tired of not calling up friends to interact. I'm tired of not being excited about anything any more.

But mostly, I'm tired of having no energy to put towards hope. I can't go into our FET this way. And I can't expect it to magically happen on its own.

Why can't I just be chemically balanced? Sigh.

(and don't even get me started on how terrified i am of depression during the pregnancy and post-partum. effing terrified.)

TVT

Happy Thursday! It's that time of the week again! Say thanks to Oak for providing the vomititious kid in the pic!

- One of my cats is currently chasing her tail. Through the hole in a level of her cat tree. Because if you can't SEE that it's attached, it must NOT be attached. We breed winners over here.

Whaaaat? Don't judge me!

- Had my saline sono today. I didn't take the recommended 600-800mg advil. Honestly, it wasn't awful. The catheter that they insert into the uterus is the same size as what they use for an IUI, so that wasn't bad. They use the speculum to crank 'er open to insert it, then toss it in and measure how deep your ute is, then carefully remove the speculum and replace it with 'ol wandy. Next, they hook the end of the catheter up to a plunger full of saline and toss it all in while they watch on the screen. Everything looked good, no septum, no nada. A "perfectly hospitable looking womb".  Yay my womb! I'm still pretty crampy, but then again I definitely pushed it tonight in terms of activity.

- I wore the awesome socks in the middle of this picture to the appointment today. They were given to me by the AWESOME Emily, who just so happens to be a 7 or 8 weeks into a successful IVF pregnancy... with triplets! She wore a pair of socks like the ones on the left to a transfer of hers, and I mentioned how much AWESOME I think she had on her feet. And you know what happened next? She mailed me a few pairs of AWESOME to put on MY feet! She's awesome. I'm saving the Mary Janes for the retrieval or transfer... can't decide which.

- I saw a double rainbow after my saline sono this afternoon. I didn't know what it meant.

- Went to an infertility support group meeting tonight (part of the reason I pushed it tonight) with The Womb Warrior and others. As usual, it was truly wonderful to see others going through similar circumstances and to hear their stories. The blogging and tweeting community are AMAZING, but there really is just something to face-to-face contact.

'till next time.... Vomit On!

Calendar is Set!

Well, folks, it would appear that this show is on the road.

I took my first BCP last Friday, and will take my last on the 18th. The goal is to have my suppression check and start stims the week of Thanksgiving, with retrieval the week of December 5th. Ack! I am officially overwhelmed. In a good way, but overwhelmed nonetheless.

We're doing an antagonist protocol, as I mentioned earlier, with Gonal-F and Menopur, then Cetrotide added in, then a Lupron trigger. Know what's awesome about all of that? It's all sub-q. No booty shots until the PIO starts... woohoo! We did decide to go with the PIO, ultimately. I know that studies have shown that endometrin suppositories are equally effective, but I'd rather just do the shots and leave out any of the guess work. Just our personal preference, ultimately.

I'm terrified, excited, overwhelmed, and thankful all at the same time. I'm terrified that CD1 won't come before Thanksgiving and things will be pushed back. Or worse, cancelled. I'm excited to finally be doing something with a greater than 50% chance of success. As high as 70%, even. I'm overwhelmed by the numerous consent forms and list of medications, and amount of money we're spending this month now. But I'm thankful that my clinic was able to get together a plan this quickly, and that my body has been cooperating so far.

The next step is my saline sonogram, on Thursday. One thing I want to make sure to ask is that I'm not slated to take any lupron at the end of this month's cycle as part of the suppression phase... has anyone else had a protocol that left that part out? After that, Dr Boy does an additional SA next week to double check the state of the swimmers. Our meds should arrive in about two weeks, and we have our injection training on the 14th.

Dr Boy is stressed out about all the up-in-the-air nature of this. He's worried he won't be able to cancel clinic the morning of the retrieval or the transfer, and generally stressed out about the cost. I can't blame him. I feel so much guilt that my body has let us down so much that we have to outlay this much time, money, and effort to create a child. That it's stripped us of the spontaneity of making a family. I feel so guilty, and so sad about that. Dr Boy tells me he married ME, not my ovaries, but I still can't help but feel the guilt of it all.

I'll get past it though. Especially when we get our BFP from this. Because we will. Because I can't imagine where we'll be if we don't.

Feeling Antagonistic.

Or maybe it's just the protocol talking  :)

I came prepared. With a barrage of questions. He only laughed a little :)

My IVF consult went well yesterday. Quite, well, in fact! We talked for a while about our TTC history, and the RE was fully supportive of moving on to IVF at this point. No "ehhh, you may have success with an additional IUI or two" or "geeee, you haven't really earned the big guns yet." Just a simple "From my perspective, I would recommend moving on." His main reasoning is that with the number of cysts that my ovaries present with (yesterday had 25 on righty and 20 on lefty), they aren't comfortable taking a more aggressive stim approach for an IUI. Afraid to wake the "sleeping giant" or something like that. So no WONDER we haven't had very good stimming for our two IUI's- their hands were tied, lest we populate a baseball team all in one go. Move over Octo-mom, Multiples-Meier-Mama is coming to town!

Because of my super cysty ovaries, he also recommended we go with the Antagonist protocol, which involves stimming with both Menopur and Gonal F or Follistim, and a Lupron trigger. He thinks that I'll have a great response to the stims given my "loaded gun ovaries", and wants to try and avoid OHSS by using the lupron trigger instead of an HCG trigger. I'll get more details when I talk to the coordinator. Oh, and he did say that it's our choice whether to use PIO or Endometrin during the TWW, and that the research suggests that they're equally effective... but he just feels more comfortable with PIO.

So with all that, the decision was pretty much made. We've stressed over this long enough. The fact that we got to this point sucks, but I have to put the doubt over what could have been behind me and get to my happy place. My happy "I'm going to have a needle shoved through my vaginal wall to retrieve mah behbehs after my ovaries have been inflated to the size of softballs" place. Ummm... that's a happy place, right? Right? <crickets>

He didn't see anything that he thought would indicate a need for more testing in terms of preemptively diagnosing an implantation failure. The only supplements he recommended were OTC prenatals. Dr Boy does need to go in for a repeat SA, mainly so they can do a much more in depth look at morphology. Our clinic requires that sperm hit a certain threshold for morphology in order to try to fertilize naturally, otherwise, they require ICSI. Either way, that's not a problem. He had fine morphology before. (side note- any supplements or other things he can do to improve morphology? 'Cause it'd be nice not to have to spend that $1500. Just in case.) I need to have a saline sonogram to check out the condition of the cute ute. That's pretty much it though!

We then had a date with wandy to check out the cyst. And to see if I can skip my period this round and go strait to BCP! I have about 7.2mm worth of lining built up, but NO dominant follicles. And it's CD19, so really? We can put this one in the books as annovulatory. Even better though, no cyst either! That sucker went away all on its own.

Because of the lack of a dominant follicle and the fact that the cyst shrunk down to nothing, he cleared me to start the BCP right away, without waiting for a new CD1. Which works WONDERS towards the whole getting on the calendar for a December cycle goal.

Long story short- we're good to go. I'm waiting to hear from the clinic's IVF schedule coordinator, but I will most likely be starting BCP this week to get ready for a Dec cycle! AHHHH!!!! Which means that by New Year's, I'll either have a BFP, or a really friggin' good reason to drink :)

Anxiety.

Ya'll, I am terrified right now.

I have an IVF consult meeting in 90 minutes. I made that appointment two weeks ago, when I went in for my WFT appt for the failed IUI #2. I figured I'd at least make the appointment, so that Dr Boy and I could discuss the matter while we were on vacation the following ten days.

We went on vacation. We had a BLAST. (side note: i heart boston. and maple syrup. and db's grandma.) We bam-chicka-bammed. And it was FUN. All of it, not just the pervy stuff, you pervs!

Dr K found a 22mm cyst on my right ovary during the WTF. That was the one that measured either 14 or 15mm the day we triggered, not the 18.5mm on the left that we thought would be the mature baby-maker. I kept thinking, "Awwww, it's mommy's first cyst!" Dr K said to go about our business and let the cyst shrink on its own. I felt some pain for the next few days in that region, but it's mostly gone away, as hopefully the cyst has. He even said to OPK CD12-20 just in case I had that miraculous rebound that sometimes happens.

No miracles here, but that's not the point.

The point is, I have my IVF consult in 90 minutes, and I'm terrified.

I know with all my heart now that it's what we need to do next. We need this. Both of us. To know that we're trying everything we possibly can. To get on with being normal again. To become parents.

Right now though, sitting here on my first day back to work after vacation, I'm flipping my shit. What if the cyst didn't go away? What if it doesn't shrink with BCP? Can we get an IVF cycle in with a retrieval before Christmas? Why does Christmas matter I'm jewish! Why will stims work this time when they've been so sheisty before? Will they judge us for making this decision after only two IUI's and three clomid cycles?

And the biggest one of them all: Will this get us our take-home baby?

Wish me luck. I've never felt this full of anxiety. And I think I'm going to vomit from it.

#1 on the Essential Infertile's Google Reader List

999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility

And specifically, the post I linked to. So. True.

Every last step.

OK, except the lack of tampons because I like to coupon shop and have two years worth of tampons underneath my sink.

But all of the rest of them!

Please read and enjoy :)

Does this shade of crazy look good on me?

Apparently it does. To recap the drama'z:

CD15: estadiol 84, all follies under 10mm, decide to *try* to keep going another few days
CD16/17: IVF/FET freakout
CD18: estradiol 226, yippee! U/S scheduled for CD20
CD19: estradiol 428, extra yippee!
CD20: Ultrasound showed an 18.5mm follie on lefty, and a 15mm and 14mm on righty. Uterine lining 9.4mm (up from 8.2 for IUI #1)

Score! It would appear that my body thrives on crazy, which is a good thing because I don't see that changing any time soon. We decided to trigger that night (which was Saturday), then do the IUI Monday morning. Rock the heck on! Even better was having Dr Boy at the ultrasound so he could see the excitingness that is a successful follicle-finding ultrasound. Bonus: He was able to reschedule his first hour of patients Monday morning so he could be there when the plunger was pushed :) Silly, but still meaningful to me. And him. Saturday night's trigger was super easy, again, the easiest shot of the 18 we had to administer this go-around.

It didn't end up going as smoothly as we had hoped Monday morning. We dropped off the goods, and came back an hour later for our 8:40am appt. OK, we actually showed up about 15 min before that in hopes that we could get the show on the road, and DB to his clinical duties asap. We let them know we were back, and proceeded to see everyone else in the waiting room enter, then exit the dr's offices. Dr Boy can get a wee bit high strung sometimes, especially when it comes close to him being late for something. Like work. Which cannot happen. By 8:55am, we asked the receptionist what the heck was going on, because if we didn't get called back in the next minute or two, DB was going to have to leave. She said we were "coming right up."

Didn't happen. DB left at 9am. There was much anxiety on his part, but I was doing my best to stay in my zen place for happy fertilizing. I was called back at 9:10, and when questioned about the timeliness (or lack thereof) of the appt, the NP performing the IUI proclaimed that she wasn't running late! Yeah, 30 minutes past an appt time generally constitutes running late, but whatever. Zen place. It is what it is, and the fact that Dr Boy was able to come to the appt sat, and be there for at least the waiting on in the morning was wonderful. I asked about the stats, but all they note is whether the post-wash sample has > 20 mil and > 50% motility. Which is did :)

Despite the pre-game dramaz, the IUI went very well (I think). I definitely felt the catheter going past the cervix because I'm blessed (ha!) with a super-sensitive cervix, but there was no pain or cramping the rest of the day like IUI #1. There was quite a bit of discharge about an hour later though, which combined with the lack of pain makes me worried that the sample wasn't deposited in my ute. Again, going to my zen place, because it is what it is at this point. Surely she knew what she was doing, right? Right? And if not, well, we supplemented the process just in case.

So now I'm 1 DPO and on the crazy scale? Probably down around a 1 or so. Fantasticness.

So there you have it.... from inaction to insemination in seven days flat! And the boobs are already getting sore so I know there's at least some progesterone floating around my system.

I'm.... dare I say it... excited!

And for you, dear readers, I have a question- what do you all do during the TWW to promote implantation? I don't have enough crazy going on right now, and I desperately need help coming up with something to fill that void! Hope you're all well!

(PS- come on, you know you want to "join this site" google-style... giveaway at 50!)

On the third day of crazy, my neurosis gave to me...

An estradiol that tripled after additional injections three.

So that sentence didn't really make grammatical sense, but it rhymed and that's what counts. Some time in the last two days of crazy, I'd noticed some twinges in the mid-section. Almost like you get in the days leading up to AF. I *thought* I remembered those from last cycle, but I was fairly certain that I was making that up because my ovaries were lazy sacks of laziness. Certainly not happy, chipper, and functional like this girl:

Is she not the cutest thing you've ever seen? 

Image courtesy iheartguts.com

Apparently I was wrong. (or is it right?) I had a blood draw this morning to see what the extra three days of stims, which were increased in dosage to three vials of menopur apiece. We were hoping for anything above 150. After a four and a half hour wait that felt like FOREVAH because I'm impatient, results were in.


226.


As in, there is most definitely something growing all up in there. Something fun and pre-baby-like. So pardon the crazy that has spewed forth onto the blog in the last few days... I promise, it was from the estrogen flooding my system. I cannot be held accountable for my actions. I really hope none of you took offense to my IVF and FET fears- I swear I don't think that any FET babies are really second-class citizens. It was the crazy talking. And I really don't have anything against them AT ALL, I don't judge the decision to go forward with any of it. I just hadn't gotten there mentally yet.


I have now. If this cycle were to have been cancelled due poor response, Dr Boy and I decided to say eff it and go to IVF next cycle. Which we won't have to do now, but we had at least made peace with the decision. In the amazing talk we had together, he finally said that he's tired of the waiting too. Not just doing this to placate the crazy woman that has taken over his wife's body, but actually because he wants things to move faster too. That he's tired of being childless too. It was such a relief to hear that. I've always known he supports me in this, but now I truly know he wants it all just as badly as I do. NOW.


I'm just waiting to hear from the RE about when to come in for an u/s to take a look at what's brewing, and when we'll trigger. I am so happy now. A reason for the crazy. A positive response to the stims. The possibility of getting pregnant.


I think I'm already glowing.


(PS- If you're a follower, could you do me the honor of being an official "follower" on google connect? I want to do a giveaway when I hit 50.... woohoo!!!)

Lockdown, and Darwin.

Yesterday, I was in a bad place. I had my bloodwork drawn in the morning so it would be ready for my afternoon u/s appt. After 12 days of stims (3 vials for the first three days, 2 vials for the remaining 9 days), my estradiol had only climbed to 84. I knew going into the appt that there wouldn't be anything to see, and the nurse hugged me when I started crying as she let me into the room. The u/s was just as we thought. The biggest p-o-s follicle was still sitting around 8mm. If you remember from last time, this was the same day in the cycle that we found my miracle 19, 15, and 14mm follies and subsequently triggered. Lightning didn't strike twice.

Lots of tears later (the nurse said I even made her tear up), we went back to Dr K's office to talk about what to do next. We had two options. First, we could scrap this cycle and start provera today, and start over in two weeks. That option doesn't work for us, since we leave for Boston mid-Oct and wouldn't get through stims before I had to leave. Second, we could do a "prolonged cycle", and up my dosage a little to see if it helps. I got the impression that Dr K wasn't a real big fan of prolonged cycles, but the tears streaming down my face gave him the prompt to go ahead and try it anyways. We're going up to three vials (starting last night) and drawing more blood on Thursday. If things look good (e2>150), I'll come in for an u/s that day or fri am.

I know that whole book "The Secret" would scream at me right now, but I'm fairly certain that this won't work. My ovaries, which have in the past displayed a resolve which would easily rival the security at Ft Knox or even the skirt-wearing guards at Buckingham Palace, are at it again. You'd think that someone told them they're getting paid for every egg they KEEP, rather than every egg they RELEASE. If you love you some ovum, set them FREE!

And then there's the whole issue of quality. I have this deep-seeded fear that by doing this extended cycle, or fertility treatments in general, that I'm forcing something to happen that shouldn't. I know that's total crap, and that myth was busted a TON of times during NIAW. But still, I can't help but wonder if these eggs are staying put for a reason. Am I going to o an imperfect egg by stimming for so long? I mean, in unmedicated cycles, ovulating late is a sign of poor egg quality. How is it not the same here? Is there something wrong with me that we don't know about that is preventing me from ovulating, something that shouldn't be passed down to future generations?

Don't mind me while I get all philosophical now. Just roll your eyes at me please.

I am a strong believer in evolution. Survival of the fittest? Yes. I know that modern medicine and all has basically put a halt to all of that, but I still can't help but wonder that way back in the day, my bloodline was supposed to run dry with me. How can I believe in what I do, and not think that this is all happening for a reason? A Darwinian reason. This is the big I problem I have with making the decision to go to IVF. With IVF, there's nothing left to chance. ICSI decides what sperm meets what egg, and an embryologist decides what embryos to give back simply based on their appearance. I thought we were supposed to judge people based on what's on the inside, not the outside!! Nature has nothing to do with it!

Before you yell and flame me and my effed up brain, I HAVE NO ISSUE WITH OTHER PEOPLE DOING IVF. None at all. I think it's a great option and am SO SO HAPPY when all of you succeed! But when it comes to MY infertility issues, I can't convince myself that I'm not screwing up the master plan. Which is just a dumb ridiculous double-standard, but I'm having a hard time jumping that hurdle. How can I truly in my heart feel that something is ok for everyone else in the world, but simply refuse to believe it for myself?

It's also a dumb reason to keep doing flailing IUI's.

I'm feeling slightly better about it all today, but I still have no faith in this and have no effing clue where to go next. Dr Boy is willing to go whatever route makes me the least batshit crazy.

Give me a good reason to do another injectables/IUI cycle after this. Please. Because my head and my heart hurt, and I can't decide on my own.

Also? The forced break we'll be on for most of Oct would be a great time to do the requisite month of BCP for IVF, thereby wasting the least amount of time possible.

Thought Vomit ThursFriday

Thurs-Friday is kindof like brunch or linner, a little bit of both worlds :)

- Had an awful time getting to my u/s appt Tuesday. Between the impossible task of finding a parking spot, not knowing which building the dr was located in (different location than usual), ending up floating around the maternity wards (yes, that really happened), and nearly having a breakdown when I checked in 15 minutes late, I finally made it. Hardly still sane, but made it.

- The u/s showed no follie activity yet. Nothing over 7mm, after 6 days of shots. Whatevs. There weren't any last time around, it just rules out this cycle moving along any faster than last time, really. On one hand, it should still be fine because we did end up with a good, ovulating, follie last time. On the other, it didn't end up making me a baby. So I'm still a bit jaded and disconnected from this cycle a bit more, mentally at least.

- Shots 8 and 9 hurt like a bitch. And bruised. I am so over this. But I can't complain about them too much bc Dr Boy feels like I'm bitching about HIM and the way HE injects me. Which I'm not, I'm just bitching about it in general. Sigh.

- I'm pissed that this cycle isn't moving faster bc it means we won't be able to fit in a third before we leave for Boston and VT in mid-Oct. Because yes, I'm already thinking about next time. I told you I was feeling disconnected about this cycle. Maybe a quick month off would be good though, I don't know. Give my body a chance to relax a little (I hear relaxing gets you pregnant) and lose the 8 lbs I've gained in the last 6 weeks. What the hell am I saying, I'm going to be pissed if this time doesn't work and we have to waste more time. Pissed.

- I'm attempting to cut out processed sugar, at least for a little bit. I was less than 1 lb shy of 190 when I stepped on the scale yesterday, and that is UNACCEPTABLE. Ohhhhhhhhh no. Mmmm mmmmm. I'm taking the AA "one day at a time" approach. I can refrain from peanut m&m's and Grandmother's peanut butter cookies from the snack shack TODAY. I can say no to the skinny cow ice cream sandwich TODAY. I can give away the chocolate brownies left over from our BBQ TODAY. What did Dr Boy say last night? "We need more good dessert options up in this house." Ha. Get used to it.

- I'm fairly certain the low-sugar deal will only last up until my next BFN. Here's hoping, though.

- I am planting beets and lettuce in my fall garden. About to give up on my peppers and zucchini. It's been a bad year for peppers in my 'hood, and I can't seem to get the zucc's any bigger than 4" before they start to turn yellow. Very odd. I thought they grew like weeds!!! Tomatoes are still going strong though. Yum-tastic.

- My self-esteem lately has been ROCK BOTTOM. This one deserves its own post though. Just thought I'd throw it out there.

I have another u/s this afternoon. Hopefully we'll see something more interesting, since it IS CD12 and all.

That is all.

Round Two

JM and Dr Boy in one ring...


The Ovaries in the other...


Who will emerge victorious???? Only time will tell....

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I've felt particularly disconnected this week. It was like throwing on the e-brake Monday morning when AF showed up. We had a fantastic weekend, full of in-laws, baseball, and BBQing for friends. The party we thew went wonderfully, the in-laws were tame, and I got stuff DONE. In a clean house. No, I didn't get to drink the sangria Sunday night, but I was contently in the TWW. Pretending I was gestating.

We went to Dr Boy's bro's baseball game Monday morning, and BOOM. The cramps I had been experiencing on and off all weekend intensified, I hit the restroom, and it was over. AF showed at 12DPO, on CD28. How funny! My first "perfect" cycle off BC. Wonderful.

Lots of wine was drunk Monday night.

On Tuesday afternoon, my wonderful friend N set up a coffee date for us and another friend- and her 4 month old baby. I was a wee bit nervous about "putting on my smile", but the truth is, it was the best thing I could have done that day. After the baby started releasing too many bodily fluids for N's taste, I held her. And bounced her, and lulled her to sleep :) This baby? Amazeballs. And there was no need to fake the contently happy feeling I had with her in my arms.

Did I mention her head smelled amazing? I also very nearly took a bite out of her arm. For safe keeping.

So that was my cheap therapy session. That combined with the second bottle of wine consumed in as many days. Yum.

 I went in for my baseline u/s on Wednesday, which showed my empty uterus and almost-back-to-normal ovaries. There was one residual cyst on righty measuring around 9mm, but Dr K wasn't concerned. Probably just still shrinking from last time around.

The plan (can you believe we're already at a plan again? so quick. no time to mourn IUI #1) is to stick with the menopur, just a tad more aggressively. 3 vials on CD3, 4, and 5. 2 vials for the remainder so my "loaded guns" don't go crazy. (I love thinking of my PCOS-ey ovaries as loaded guns. Actually I don't. It scares me.) Get some bloodwork drawn Saturday, then another u/s on CD9 (tuesday). Dr K would like to see some 10 or 11's at that point, so we move a few days faster than last time (triggering on CD15). We'll see!

So there you have it. Therapy, a plan, and two shots down. In case you were wondering, 3 vials of menopur burns way more than 2 vials. Either that or I've just turned massively wussy in the last two and a half weeks.


Which is entirely possible.

Nope.

I'll write more later, but it'll have to be when I'm done crying.

Didn't work. Got my period late this morning.

Had a feeling. Started testing Saturday when my boobs felt like literally cutting them off would feel better than leaving them attached, then the cramping started up. On and off, but more on than off. Then AF late this morning. Eff. Mother effing effer.

I'm still holding out hope for a few people out there this cycle- at the very least Ericka at This Hampton Life. She's be testing on Wednesday.

Thanks to everyone else out there waiting... and I'll be back when I can hold it together longer. Thanks for all the good wishes this cycle. I really, truly couldn't have made it this far without you guys. Really. You're my heroes :)

Just keep swimming swimming

My lovely friend N sent this to me today-
isn't the look on that guy's face classic? Love it!

We are officially two week waiting! Took the juice to the clinic at 7:40am, and we were back in the room by 8:30am doing the dirty with a catheter. Dr Boy was able to go, which made me happy. It also made HIM happy to hear that the count was over 20 million with over 50% motility. Post-wash. Glad ONE of us works right ;)

Dr Poor bedside manner (who is actually really awesome now that he knows DH is a dr) did the insemination as awesome Dr K is still on leave. While he was gentle, I still felt crampy all day. I'm the girl who thinks pap smears hurt and cause cramping, so it's no surprise that it's still on the uncomfortable side. If THIS hurts, I don't even want to imagine what's gonna happen in 9 months. But I digress. (who says digress? really.)

I'm amazed at how quickly it went by. I did get to lay around for 10-15 minutes, and was told to come back in 2 weeks for a blood test. Dr PBM is pretty convinced I'll either end up pregnant (he said he really liked my follicles) or get my period in 2 weeks. I was skeptical based on my long-ass cycles before, but he seems to think that based on the kind of induced O we for sure had, AF will come a knockin' at the right time. Though hopefully the right time will be some time in 2012 or 13 :) Oh, and he doesn't think we need any sort of progesterone supplements for now, so I'm hoping he's right.

Ahhhhh!!!!!!!! What the HECK am I going to do to distract myself now?????

Thundercats are GO!

Just when you think a cycle is a complete bust, your ovaries up and go "Oh yeah? Let's go to TOWN!"

Friday was spent in a depressed funk with lots of crying.

Saturday was spent lazing around then running into Dr Poor Bedside Manner at a new physician's dinner.

Sunday was spent at a BBQ with one of Dr Boy's old med school friends- and his 7 months pregnant wife. And their 18 month old daughter. Gah. I didn't get any IF pangs from them until they started talking about how they wanted to have 3 or 4 kids and a big family. I kept thinking that "Wow, wouldn't it be nice to want to have a big family and actually be able to HAVE SEX to accomplish that?" That's what got me most of all.

So except for Friday, I spent the weekend pretty zen about the whole thing, relatively speaking. I had psyched myself up for failure today. I even felt pretty crampy all weekend (still do, in fact), convinced I was about to have a 12 day cycle and get my period this week. I was fully prepared to FIGHT for the RIGHT to keep injecting myself with hormones just to SEE if it was even possible to get a party started down in O town. Dr Poor Bedside Manner was nice this morning and we talked about the dinner the previous weekend as he got started and was taking my lining measurement. We're cool with eachother now :)

9mm. He's all "ooooh, nice! You've gained 2mm since Friday, which is a good sign!" I replied with "A lot of good that'll do when my follies laugh at us."

Then he got to righty- and I could immediately see some action! He measured, and there was a 14mm and a 10mm follie!!! Woohoo! At the very least, there was enough going on to continue the menopur, and all was not lost! I nearly started crying with excitement.

Then he got to lefty. Which requires a little pushing on my stomach and very uncomfortable shoving of the wand deep into my belleh. Ow. But you know what? It was worth it when the GIANT follie showed up!!!! There was an 18mm follie up in there!!! EFF YEAH!!!! There was also another 10mm.

The moral of the story: Don't bitch when you're only on day 9 of stims and nothing's going on yet. Your ovaries are probably just lazy sacks of drama. We're triggering tonight, and will have one nice follie to depend on. There's a *chance* that the 14mm will grow like a mother effer in the mean time, but probably will be immature. That's a-o-k for us. All it takes is one :)

So yeah. Insemination scheduled for Wednesday am. And Dr Boy will be able to show up for the party, which is pretty awesome. Nice to have a chance at getting pregnant with your husband actually in the room (though I hear it's overrated).

I am SO happy I can't even tell you. I know there's still a good chance that I will end up NOT knocked up in two weeks (anyone know the success rates of IUI with injectables?), but at least, for the first time, there's actually the possibility of it happening. And while I know I'll be bitching about a BFN in two weeks, remind me that we're actually moving in the right direction. And over the next two weeks, please, please, keep me sane.

As if that's possible :)

Fort Knox

Apparently it's like Fort Knox up in my lady business. The ovaries? They be unstimmed. 

The RE that saw me (not my usual Dr K) didn't see anything measurable on righty (less than 9mm he said), and only one on lefty around 8-9mm. He didn't bother to measure that one either. The plan is to continue 2 vials of menopur each night and come back in on Monday. He seemed pretty certain that we'd end up canceling altogether on Monday.

Big sad face. I asked if we could go up to 3 vials and see if that gets us anywhere, and he said "No, 'cause then we'd just end up with 10 follies." While I don't want to mistrust his medical opinion, since that's what he does for a living and all, I just wonder if upping the dose would make things go crazy in lady town. If two vials isn't doing ANYTHING, why would that make it go CRAZY? His bedside manner wasn't fantastic, and he said that if I wanted an appt long enough to discuss these kind of things I should schedule another one. Then left. It's 3:30pm on a Friday at this point, HOW AM I GOING TO MAKE ANOTHER APPT before the weekend and it's a moot point?

I considered going rogue, but I don't have enough meds to do it. 

I made my appt for Mon am (a long one), then left the appointment in hysterics. Because I'm a drama queen that can't handle stress, apparently. Seriously though, if I can't handle this, how in the hell am I going to handle something TRULY tragic that happens in our lives?

Dr Boy and I discussed it, and really would at least like to try upping the dosage. If we don't see anything promising on Monday, I'm going to advocate for trying an increased dose for two or three days. If we DO end up with over-populated follie-town, we'll just avoid conception this time around so we don't birth a new minor league baseball team all on our own. If this cycle is destined to be a big fat bust-o-rama, we'd at least like to use it as a science experiment to see if we can get the follies to respond to menopur at ALL. 

We don't want twenty babies. We just want to know if this will EVER work. If we'll EVER get to do a damn IUI or just keep cancelling them.

I'm still pretty much an emotional wreck over it, but I'm feeling better about our plan. Provided we can talk our doc into it. Wish us luck.

Now only 48 more hours of waiting.

I had a dream...

All day yesterday and last night I was having a lot of anxiety about the ultrasound this afternoon. First off, I was dumb, dumb, dumb to schedule the thing for the afternoon. I mean really, how in the hell am I going to get anything done at work for the next six hours? (Clearly it's not going well so far or I wouldn't be blogging) That aside, I am terrified that my follies will continue to be lame. I am terrified that the giant stomach and weird cramping is a bad sign, not a good one. I don't want to be stimming for the better part of an entire month. I just don't have that in me. I'm only on 2 vials of menopur, for goddsakes, how in the hell will I deal with IVF if we have to go there???

Though I did let quite a bit of stress out in a good ugly cry before dinner, I still had a ton of it floating around in my brain when I went to sleep. And dreamed about my ultrasound.

Dr Boy was there with me (which he won't be able to do today), and as soon as they wanded me, the doctor got all serious. The Dr said that my follie production had gone off the charts, and that our only option at this point was to trigger and do IVF, or call it off and probably lose my ovaries.

SAY WHAT?????????????????

The dream skips, and the next thing I know, I'm being wheeled into an egg retrieval for our impromptu IVF.

That I didn't want, but was apparently our only chance at having a bio-kid ever.


Then I woke up.

This whole thing is such a mind-fuck. Good thing I have SIX HOURS to obsess about it now.

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Last night's injection hurt. No bruise or anything, just lots of soreness around the area. It's mostly gone now.

Also, I was wondering yesterday... does the transvag u/s see to the other side of your ovaries? I mean, if they don't see any good follies on the u/s, is it possible that there is a fantastic one on the other side? And what about lefty? Lefty seems to always be hiding behind my ute or bowel (which I've been told is a frequent problem), so how do they get good, accurate measurements? How do they know there isn't a hiding fantastic follie, that the dominant one we're trying so hard for isn't just being a stubborn camera-shy p-o-s?

These are the things I think about nowadays.

8 shots down, how many to go?

Had my latest ultrasound on Tuesday to check out what's going down in follie-town. Despite the weight gain and bloating, not much! At least as of then. They didn't do a blood draw, deeming it unnecessary considering the fact that I only had a few follies on each side, none of which were any greater than 8mm. The ovaries looked awfully similar to how they did last time, when they were just your typical PCOS p-o-s's. You could see *some* increase in follie size, but meh. Not what I was hoping for after 6 days of shots. We're sticking with the 2 vials per injection for now to decrease the risk of over-stimming. If ONLY that were my problem.

The NP that scanned me was really upbeat about it though, saying that it's not uncommon for them to POP (I hate that term when it comes to colors and design, but I love it for my follies) after a week or so. Plus, the lovely Amaprincess over at this blog had a very successful pregnancy after her late-blooming follies for her first injectables and IUI cycle. So I know it *can* happen. Phew!

The thing that I didn't like was how she was all "Don't worry if it doesn't happen, you have a fast-track to IVF" because of Dr Boy. She also pulled the "it's not a waste because we're teaching your ovaries what to do! And they'll do it better next time!" I think that going there on day SIX is awfully premature. I don't WANT to do IVF. I don't WANT to do a second round of injectables. I WANT to get pregnant NOW. I had a good breakdown Tues night, but have since picked myself back up.

At least until my next u/s tomorrow.

Also, I gave myself the injection ALL BY MY LONESOME Monday night b/c Dr Boy had a softball game. It surprised me how much resistance there was when pushing the fluid in, but honestly, it was a piece of cake. So all in all, easy peasy. My awesome fearless friend N offered to give it to me (to get back at me for all the bitchy things I've said in the past, no doubt), but Dr Boy insisted that I don't "wuss out and take the easy way." Blah. But it went fine so he's off the hook for that one.

The bloat is pretty insane right now. I'm still sitting at just over 4 lbs of gain, but I think it stole weight from other parts of my body and redistributed it ALL IN MAH BELLEH. It's too-big-to-suck-in HUGE. I'm wearing a dress today for the comfort factor, as I wore pants that nearly busted open of their own accord yesterday. I walked down to Subway to grab lunch today, and noticed that in my reflection in a passing storefront I seriously look knocked up in this. Like, 5 months or so, right before the belly gets round. The "is she fat or pregnant" phase of pregnancy.

If only. Though I have to say, I like the way I look with a pregnant belly. Not enough to keep it without the baby inside though.

I'll let 'ya all know how it goes tomorrow... hopefully I'll be triggering soon like Lauren! Wish her some luck!