SSDD

Our beta fell nice and quickly after the loss, so we were blissfully able to start over and move on to the next cycle soothingly fast. I work best when I have a plan. Moving forward towards the objective is the most effective way to keep me from going crazy. I need a plan, movement, momentum to build.

FET #4... who's excited?

So plan we did. Three weeks of birth control, then back on the estrogen bandwagon. Everything went super well with this cycle, same 9.5mm lining as before, yada yada. I did my pre- and post- transfer acupuncture, got my pineapple all ready, and we went to transfer.

Fabulous transfer socks

Meet the MaybeBabies!

Two lovely looking day 6 blasts survived the thaw, though they were still differentiating at the time of transfer, and not actually hatching yet. Wore lots of comfy socks to keep my feet warm, and resigned myself to a month of avoiding cold foods/beverages to avoid drawing energy away from the womb. Thanks traditional chinese medicine for stealing my ice cream coping mechanism. I had an awful afternoon that day though... some sort of brief food poisoning or something and puked three times. Yay me! The rest of the weekend I laid low and relaxed, turning gloomier by the day as I hadn't felt any of the telltale cramping I did the last two times I got pregnant.

I POASed on Monday, and sadly, nothing was there. I was 4dpt, and had positives both with the mini and with the notbabies at that point. Poop. I was a hormonal wreck and ended up sobbing in front of the new serger sewing machine that I couldn't get to work properly. So that was fun. I felt completely out of control of my emotions. I peed again on Tuesday... and it was positive. The squintiest of squinters, but positive. Same issue as last time though- it showed on a FRER but not the cheapie.

Look at what my pee did!

My heart dropped a little the next day when the line didn't get much darker. By Thursday, it had darkened a bit, but I just didn't have a good feeling. Apparently with good reason. My beta was 29. I had my second beta today, and it's 61. ****

So here's where we are. Same shit, different day. I don't really know what to feel, honestly. Whether I'm 14dpo today, or 15dpo, the number is still quite low when looking at betabase. And beta values typically shoot up more than just double at the beginning. The mini's went from 80 to 202 at that dpo. The notbabies went from 41 to 58. Better trend this time, but not really better numbers.

I don't really know what to think. I don't want to be the ungrateful asshole that is complaining about her doubling betas, but the past is haunting me here. I really just can't believe that we're here again. This is just crazy. Again. What the flying fark. I can't work up anything in the way of excitement over this pregnancy, just ambivalence and a hey pass the wine... oh wait nevermind.

We'll see what we see with Monday's beta I guess. Ultrasound tentatively Monday the 19th, at 6w2d.


****Like last time, these embies were frozen on day 6 when they hit blast. As such, the clinic considers me a 6dt, and the first beta at 7dp6dt (13dpo) and second beta at 9dp6dt (15dpo). HOWEVER, I call bunk on this one and only am giving them 5dt credit. They took longer to hit blast, so why give them an extra day of developmental credit? Nope. Plus it's slighty less bleak to think of my beta values at 12dpo and 14dpo instead.

Officially Over

Things could be better. It's all officially over. We had our second ultrasound at 6w4d, a Wednesday, and there was very little growth of the sacs. Double blight ovums, final answer. Sigh.

I had skipped PIO/Estradiol Valerate the night before because really, I just wanted to kick my body into withdrawal as soon as possible. Brought the meds to the appt just in case something leaned towards hanging on longer, but obviously didn't need that. I'm glad I did. I started spotting Friday, and passed the tissue Sunday. While my parents, brother, and his significant other were all visiting. Fun right???

*M/C TRIGGER WARNING*

Any qualms I had before about calling this a miscarriage are completely gone. I don't think I will ever forget the sensation of passing those clots. There was just so much MORE than I ever imagined there to be. I passed 4 or 5 large clots, maybe the size of a mandarin orange? (If we can measure fetuses by their like-sized fruit, so can we with m/c clots.) It was horrible. And really out of nowhere. I was sitting on the couch, and had been having some lower back cramping all morning, then BAM. Gush. Ran up to the bathroom, and plop. On and on for about 3 or 4 hours. It was horrible. I passed smaller clots through the next day, then just heavy period-like flow with stringy clots for another 4 or 5 days, literally. I stopped bleeding for good Mon or Tues of last week, after 9 days of bleeding. Ugh.

*END GRAPHIC DESCRIPTION*

So that's over. I had three betas to follow it back down and make sure my body got rid of everything. Just 3 days after the loss (May 28), my beta was already down to 264. That is crazy to me. At 11 days past the loss, my beta was down to a frustratingly close 8. Final beta was yesterday, at 15 days past, and down to 5. Not pregnant enough to count as not pregnant.

So that's that. We're hoping to get a cycle together for August. For now, I'm working on getting healthy. Like, for serious. I actually joined a gym.

Yeah. So. Loss. Thanks for the love- I honestly had no idea any of you were still out there in a place you could actually find me! Love to see some of you familiar faces :)

Bad news, bad news

I've been having some pretty severe cramping on and off for a week now. The anxiety of this cycle was seriously making me crazy, and I felt on the verge of a panic attack pretty much constantly. Yesterday I called the clinic, and played up the "do I have an ectopic???" angle, which honestly, was a pretty big concern given the roller coaster betas and cramping. They had me come in today. Dr Boy had to work, so I was solo.

Two empty sacs. Two. Empty. Measured ~6mm each. Two. Same size, so they really did implant around the same time, like I thought they had the night of and day after transfer. They just suck, so nothing grew other than the sac. I'm only 5w6d today, so there is still a chance, albeit extraordinarily small, that something could grow out of this. There could maybe possibly still be a happy ending. But the look on the RE's face really told it all- there is nothing short of a miracle that will bring these babies home to my arms.

At this point, the gestational sac should be 15mm or larger, with a yolk sac, and in most cases, a fetal pole. With the mini Meier, we saw a heartbeat today.


So yeah. What are the odds... two. two empty sacs.

I'm strangely calm about it now, but so, so very heartbroken.

Good News, Bad News

I'm a well-documented pee-a-holic. I managed to hold out until the afternoon of 4dp5dt this time, which is pretty much my norm. It's a squinter, but a second line! A second line! I see it! The internet cheapies sucked balls with this cycle, but the FRER's came through for me. Two lines! They kept getting darker and darker, and I tested through 13dpo, the day after my first beta. Yay for darkening lines!

Getting darker!

First beta was at 7dp5dt, super duper early. I was hoping for 60+, as the mini's beta at 8dp5dt was 80.

It came back at 41. I knew something was wrong. Honestly, my heart sunk that day, even though it was still very early and could have turned out fine. I just didn't feel good about it. Nice sob fest in the crying bathroom at work.

Second beta was at 9dp5dt, and it came back at 58. I knew it. Chemical pregnancy. Again. Just like our first FET almost exactly two years ago. 96 hour doubling time.

Continued meds, get another shitty beta at 11dp5dt, came back at 80. Doubling time 103 hours. For some reason, the RE wanted me to go for just one more. Maybe one implanted early, pooped out, and another implanted late? Ummmmm sure, betas were still awfully low, but sure. We'll entertain this theory while holding absolutely zero hope.

Fourth beta at 13dp5dt came back at 146. What? Doubling time 55 hours. Hmmm.... looking better, but still way way low according to betabase. Not hopeful at all, but increasing enough to keep going. And going.

Sure, things were looking better (except my junkie arms and hands, those were looking very bruised and battered), but I have been in this game long enough to know that recovering betas don't mean a whole lot. Once they look bad, things generally stay bad. I knew we were most likely looking at a blight ovum (empty gestational sac), but man, hope is such a sticky bitch. You can't help wondering if you're going to be that ONE PERSON that they keep the cycle going because bam! A baby showed up! It's a meeeracle! I really, really wanted to be that person, while simultaneously telling myself to stop hoping for the maybebaby to turn into anything. Because it won't. So get your grieving started now.

Nope-si-daisy (7dp6dt, beta #1)

I peed on a FRER yesterday and this morning, and the beta confirmed it.

Less than 5.

Not pregnant.

Again.

Repeat beta on Wednesday, just to make sure. Continuing meds until then because why the eff not. Honestly, I'm hoping with everything I have in me that it stays negative so we don't have to ride the hellish chemical rollercoaster again.

At 13dpo, a negative beta is a bad thing, even if the 15dpo comes back positive. It really just is, and there's no way around it.

Thank fucking god we're going on vacation at the end of the week. I think our tropical destination sounds like the perfect place to decide how we're going to come up with another $13,000 after just buying a house. Oh, and whether we want to part with that cash in June or July. And what the FUCK to change so this shit works.

When I arrived at the lab this morning, the women checking me in said (and I kid you not) "You must love getting this test! You've had so many!" Instead of violence, I told her we just haven't gotten the right answer yet. And promptly lost my shit in front of her.

I think we're up to about a seven layer shit cake by now.



(and whoever the FUCK signed me up for daily inspirational emails can eff the eff off.)

Less pregnant (CD1)

Just another Manic Monday... whoaaaaaa ohhhhhhh.... Otherwise known as the best Monday ever. Let me count the ways!

- I woke up to AF this morning. An hour before my alarm went off (yay!) I'm actually pretty surprised- she arrived crampless and without any particular fanfare. I'm hoping things stay that way because if so, this will be WAY less horrific than I had imagined. Actually, I kindof wish she'd just get on with things so this doesn't drag out too. But whatever. At least I didn't need to take my heating pad to work with me, right?

- My colleague's wife went into labor last night. Plus side? I don't have to listen to people asking him all day if she's popped yet. AND he'll be taking a month off. I can handle that.

- Blood draw took sticking and fishing in both arms today. The bruises are going to be EPIC.

- Leaving the lab for my FIFTH beta, there was a newborn and I lost my shit for the second time in ten minutes (the first was in the blood draw chair).

- Found out my beta dropped from 50 on Thursday, to 44 today. At least we're not actively growing anything anymore. I guess that's some good-ish news, right?

- IVF nurse called to give me my beta results, and seems to think I still need to cycle naturally after this PIO withdrawl bleed. This confuses me immensely. Because I don't cycle. It takes 60 effing days. And we're working with a deadline- I'll be out of the country May 3-13, so it's either April or June, no in between for us. Must. Get. Show. On. Road. If we have to cycle "naturally", I'm def out until June. And I will lose my shit again and get pretty crazy for the next three months.

- Wednesday's ultrasound was converted to a regular old WTF appointment to talk about our next cycle. Specifically, the GET IT DONE ASAP point. And the NO LUPRON point. And the Maybe we can do a saline sono to make sure there isn't anything left up in there point. Any other points I should cover?

- I discovered approximately one thousand mosquito bites on my feet and ankles from wearing flip flops all weekend. Curses!!!


So yeah. Best. Monday. Ever.

No Bueno (6dp6dt)

Before I get to it, could you guys go over and give Jenny some love today? She went in for an ultrasound at 9 weeks and found out her baby no longer has a heartbeat. This is hers and Jeff's third loss. This week has been just an awful one for everyone out there in the trenches, and I'm hoping beyond hope that this streak comes to a quick halt.
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So it's not looking good, folks. I'm a pee-er. Even after last time, where I decreed that early testing is the devil, I continue to be a pee-er. I have, however, amazed myself with my resolve this time around. Rather than peeing at a paltry 5dp5dt, I held out until 6dp6dt. Go me, right?

To be honest, the wait wasn't all that bad, since I had a lot of things working in my favor this time. I have the sore boobs, but that's progesterone so we'll throw that out. My sense of smell has been heightened since Friday night, when I smelled Dr Boy's glass of wine from halfway across the house. (that could just be me detoxing though :) ) The next night, I knew the INSTANT one of the cats used the litter box. Smells are still getting to me a lot stronger and quicker than normal. The uterine cramping also started Friday night (2dp6dt), and has pretty much been there on and off whenever I stand or move around too much. It's pretty isolated to the lowest quadrant of my belly, and is stronger on the left side. I've also started to get some of the heartburn back. It was particularly bad when I was taking the estradiol tabs orally, but now that they're going up my bizness it had, until the last two days, gone away.

So yeah. Boobs, Super Sniffer, Cramping, and Heartburn. Oh, and the ABSOLUTE NEED to take a nap by 4 or 5pm.

So I tested this morning, thinking I had this one in the bag. Well, I may have it in the bag, but it's just not revealing itself yet. We'll see tomorrow when I have my beta drawn, but I'm having my doubts.

Do you know how difficult it is to reconcile two competing thoughts in your head? The knowledge that "of course it worked this time", combined with "don't be stupid your ute is still empty", add up to quite the headache.


I'm not letting go of the "of course", because I think the positivity will do us some good.


But I'm also not letting go of the "don't be stupid", so I don't crash and burn as fantastically as I did last time. Ha. Like I could prevent that.

Send some love into the world, mkay?

I wanted to post today about the symptoms I've been having since Friday night. The ones that simultaneously make me want to pee on a stick more than anything and stay away from the infernal devices all at the same time.

I wanted to post about the hope that I have in my heart right now, foolish or not.


But instead, I'm writing to ask you all to send some love out to Mo, who at 22 weeks pregnant, is having to deal with the repercussions of having her water break last night. She's still leaking fluid, and will have to be induced tonight. Mo has already been through so much- three miscarriages, a cerclage, above normal amniotic fluid... this is just the most cruel way for things to end for her and Schmerson. I mailed her the FRER that confirmed this pregnancy. This is just goddamned fucking unfair.

Please keep her and her family in your prayers tonight.

(she hasn't posted anything new since this has happened, don't be confused by the post she currently has up)