#hope (giveaway!)

It's no secret that I've found a love for the twitterers over the last year, where there is so much support from those willing to life you up when you don't have the strength to do so yourself. Between you guys, the twitters, Dr Boy, and my family and friends, I've stayed as sane as can be through these last three and a half years of infertility BS.

There's a common hashtag out there we use, when those lose hope for themselves, or we manage to find a smidgen left in the tanks.

#hope

It's good for a lot of things, huh?

A great blogger and twitterer, Jen, organized a fundraiser during National Infertility Awareness Week (you know, that thing that I totally ignored because I suck as an IF advocate?) through CafePress. T-shirts were available for purchase, with proceeds from each shirt going to Resolve, a non-profit providing support services and advocacy for our cause.

#hope

Because I love a feel-good excuse to spend my monies (cute shirt! $$ towards charity!!), I ordered my awesome Men's XL American Apparel shirt, planning on wearing it to my retrieval for the Redux. CafePress advertises their Men's XL as having a chest of 46-48", so even this 38DD girl seemed safe.

Yeah, not so much. American Apparel lies like a lying liar. The thing barely covers my left boob... and that was BEFORE the progesterone and hcg kicked in.

Pants on Fire

But my loss is your GAIN!

I'm now giving away my Men's XL #hope shirt to a lucky commenter :)

To celebrate what may (or may not) be seen on Friday.
To celebrate getting further in this game than we ever have before.
To celebrate hope for all of us in the trenches!

Leave a comment with your email address for an entry. One entry per person. Entries will be accepted until 11:59 PDT Monday, July 16th. I'll do that random number generator thingy to select the winner and announce that Tuesday.

Good luck to all, and have #hope!!!


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The liars at American Apparel have no idea who I am, nor does Jen, nor does CafePress. Opinions are all mine, and no one paid me to do this. Disclaimer blah blah.

Clearly my feelings are delicious

Or I wouldn't currently weigh MORE THAN I DID ON EGG RETRIEVAL DAY.


Yes, I said it. I have managed to gain weight during a time where it should be falling off my mid-section, one empty follicle at a time. Really though, how does one actually expect that to happen when they eat like they're growing triplets, but the only thing going on down there is a shrinking barrel of cysts?

Don't get me wrong. My feelings were delicious. The holiday candy, the large servings, the godknowshowmany bottles of wine. And hot damn they were necessary! These past four weeks post-BFN have been a bit of awful followed by less awful followed by GOOD GOD HOW DID YOU THINK YOU WERE OK AGAIN awful. The less awful was spent with family over the holidays, a blissful ten days where I could bitch and moan about my horrible period, pop a BCP, and bury myself in playdates and Christmas cheer. And 80-degree weather (thank you Los Angeles).

The awful awful hit this week, as I think it does for many people post-holidays. In my case, the post-holiday depression wave collided with the post-vacation depression wave, which then collided with the here's-your-fet-calendar-because-ivf-failed-wave. Those of us who remember our physics know that when waves collide, they can sometimes cancel each other out, but with my luck? The amplified into a tsunami of grief that I just kept feeding.

It ended in me crying at the movies last night. Seeing Sherlock Holmes. Which I assure you, is not a sad movie. Though I cry a lot at movies, this was a new low, even for me.


I'm not going to feed it anymore.

I'm going to be ok.

I'm going to get pregnant. (eventually)

I'm going to stick to my healthy living/eating resolutions. (more on how THAT's going later)

I'm going to get through this.

Just swell. (CD6)

Apparently having your e2 go up by eighteen-fold in four days causes quite the ruckus in one's mid-section. My tummy has been progressively more tender through the day, and I swear, if you were bored enough, you could watch it grow like bamboo. I swear.

Needless to say, this is the first of what I'm sure will be many uncomfortable days ahead. All for a damned good cause, but uncomfortable nonetheless. I am so antsy to get a peek at what's going on in there, which I will in about ten hours. I'm also grateful that my body is responding. I was so doubtful after the piss-poor response we were getting with the IUI stims. Apparently Follistim just does this body good. I made sure to get some protein in with dinner, and had my first bottle of Gatorade. Weight gain as of this morning was 1.6 lbs, though I'm not sure how much of that is ove bloat and how much is sugar bloat

Also? I know I said it yesterday, but I'm so glad I went on a run yesterday. I'm feeling the way I thought I would today, which means no more running for a while. Glad I still did while I could.

10 more hours...

TVT, Turkey Style (CD3)

It's Thought Vomit Thanksgiving, ya'll! I am way too tired from cleaning and baking and organizing and setting up for my visiting family (four staying with us, four in a hotel) to put together more than bullet points today. Though, let's be honest, when do I ever?

- After three injections, I have entered the irrational crying stage of IVF. I cried this morning at how happy I was that everyone was in town. I cried when I got a picture of my dad and brother, who just finished running their first joint 10K. I cried when I started THINKING about how annoyed I am at not being able to watch HIMYM for a while. To be honest though? This irrational crying thing? Makes me feel more like me. So I'm good with it.

- The final weigh-in is complete for my sugar-fast challenge. On Halloween, the first day I abstained, I came in at a shocking 193 lbs. Thank you, two rounds of IUI/injectables, and lots of Mike's Pastry in Boston. And finding consolation in a bottle (ha! *a* bottle) of good wine. And a bag (or two or three) of Trader Joe's white cheddar puffed corn (fake pirate booty). To recap, I'm 5' 8 1/2". Last year at this time, I was 178. Super duper. So.... what does running a 5K and laying off the white stuff for 25 days get you? FIVE POUNDS. Yup, I weighed in at 187.8 this morning. It helps that some of the AF bloat went down too. It's def not where I want to be, but it's a good starting point.

- I went on another baking binge Tuesday night, to make my family think I'm all Suzy Homemaker. I baked chocolate zucchini muffins, pumpkin spice muffins*, GF pumpkin bread, and pumpkin cookies w/cinnamon icing. The most impressive part of that was actually cooking all the damn deliciously battered items without tasting A SINGLE MORSEL OF BATTER. Or finished product. Until yesterday.

- Apparently, there are a few of you out there that like me! I've been bestowed the Liebster Award! Apparently, Liebster means "dearest" in German. This one has been floating around the blogosphere this week, going to folks with less than 200 followers. I received it from three other awesome ladies whose blogs I *love* to see pop up on my unread reader list. Rebeccah from Pink Lipgloss and Prenatals, Oak from Acorn Chronicles, and Kelly from Team Baby are all rockstars themselves, and I VERY much appreciate knowing that they enjoy my thought vomit! They've all been great support so far in this IVF journey, as have the rest of you!

Here are the rules to pass this baby on: 

1. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you.

2. Reveal your top five picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
3. Copy and paste the award on your blog.

4. Hope that the people you’ve sent the award to forward it to their five favorite bloggers and keep it going!

 

Here are 5 bloggers I would like to pass the award on to:

1. Lauren, from Not Just An Army Wife (she barely squeaks in at 195 followers!)

2. Lauren, from The Army Doctor's Wife and P(c)OS Ovaries

3. Megan, from This Space for Rent

4. The lovely Waiting and Wishing

5. Emily, from A Peek into our Journey

 

These ladies are all truly wonderful, and deserve a good look! They'll crack you up and make you cry, all at the same time. Or maybe that's just me.... 

Anyways, Happy Thanksgiving!!! And to those of you *not* celebrating Thanksgiving, Happy Thursday!

*One box spiced cake mix, one can of pumpkin, 1/2 cup water. Bake according to the directions on the box, add a minute or two of baking time. Thanks, Lauren, for the recipe!!! She also suggests you add a decadent cream cheese frosting... hold me...

Century Club

Yep, this is lucky number 100. I wish I had something more earthshattering or even entertaining to talk about, but, really, you're not reading Meier Madness for life affirmations so it's ok.

So I'm running a 5K on Saturday called the Turkey Trot. I shall trot away, and hopefully not end up looking like a turkey in the process. My goal is to not finish last in my age group, which may be difficult when you're slow as eff like I am and still under the age of 30. I have to keep telling myself that at least I'm out there doing it, right?

Right?

Even if it takes me 45 minutes?

Awww gee. At least I get to wear my new spiffy cold-weather running clothes. That'll make it fun, right?

What things do you all do that you never thought you would? I hate running. Or, at least I used to. Now? It doesn't suck quite as much ass.

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This lame post has been brought to you by NaBloPoMo.

Thought Vomit ThursFriday

Thurs-Friday is kindof like brunch or linner, a little bit of both worlds :)

- Had an awful time getting to my u/s appt Tuesday. Between the impossible task of finding a parking spot, not knowing which building the dr was located in (different location than usual), ending up floating around the maternity wards (yes, that really happened), and nearly having a breakdown when I checked in 15 minutes late, I finally made it. Hardly still sane, but made it.

- The u/s showed no follie activity yet. Nothing over 7mm, after 6 days of shots. Whatevs. There weren't any last time around, it just rules out this cycle moving along any faster than last time, really. On one hand, it should still be fine because we did end up with a good, ovulating, follie last time. On the other, it didn't end up making me a baby. So I'm still a bit jaded and disconnected from this cycle a bit more, mentally at least.

- Shots 8 and 9 hurt like a bitch. And bruised. I am so over this. But I can't complain about them too much bc Dr Boy feels like I'm bitching about HIM and the way HE injects me. Which I'm not, I'm just bitching about it in general. Sigh.

- I'm pissed that this cycle isn't moving faster bc it means we won't be able to fit in a third before we leave for Boston and VT in mid-Oct. Because yes, I'm already thinking about next time. I told you I was feeling disconnected about this cycle. Maybe a quick month off would be good though, I don't know. Give my body a chance to relax a little (I hear relaxing gets you pregnant) and lose the 8 lbs I've gained in the last 6 weeks. What the hell am I saying, I'm going to be pissed if this time doesn't work and we have to waste more time. Pissed.

- I'm attempting to cut out processed sugar, at least for a little bit. I was less than 1 lb shy of 190 when I stepped on the scale yesterday, and that is UNACCEPTABLE. Ohhhhhhhhh no. Mmmm mmmmm. I'm taking the AA "one day at a time" approach. I can refrain from peanut m&m's and Grandmother's peanut butter cookies from the snack shack TODAY. I can say no to the skinny cow ice cream sandwich TODAY. I can give away the chocolate brownies left over from our BBQ TODAY. What did Dr Boy say last night? "We need more good dessert options up in this house." Ha. Get used to it.

- I'm fairly certain the low-sugar deal will only last up until my next BFN. Here's hoping, though.

- I am planting beets and lettuce in my fall garden. About to give up on my peppers and zucchini. It's been a bad year for peppers in my 'hood, and I can't seem to get the zucc's any bigger than 4" before they start to turn yellow. Very odd. I thought they grew like weeds!!! Tomatoes are still going strong though. Yum-tastic.

- My self-esteem lately has been ROCK BOTTOM. This one deserves its own post though. Just thought I'd throw it out there.

I have another u/s this afternoon. Hopefully we'll see something more interesting, since it IS CD12 and all.

That is all.

8 shots down, how many to go?

Had my latest ultrasound on Tuesday to check out what's going down in follie-town. Despite the weight gain and bloating, not much! At least as of then. They didn't do a blood draw, deeming it unnecessary considering the fact that I only had a few follies on each side, none of which were any greater than 8mm. The ovaries looked awfully similar to how they did last time, when they were just your typical PCOS p-o-s's. You could see *some* increase in follie size, but meh. Not what I was hoping for after 6 days of shots. We're sticking with the 2 vials per injection for now to decrease the risk of over-stimming. If ONLY that were my problem.

The NP that scanned me was really upbeat about it though, saying that it's not uncommon for them to POP (I hate that term when it comes to colors and design, but I love it for my follies) after a week or so. Plus, the lovely Amaprincess over at this blog had a very successful pregnancy after her late-blooming follies for her first injectables and IUI cycle. So I know it *can* happen. Phew!

The thing that I didn't like was how she was all "Don't worry if it doesn't happen, you have a fast-track to IVF" because of Dr Boy. She also pulled the "it's not a waste because we're teaching your ovaries what to do! And they'll do it better next time!" I think that going there on day SIX is awfully premature. I don't WANT to do IVF. I don't WANT to do a second round of injectables. I WANT to get pregnant NOW. I had a good breakdown Tues night, but have since picked myself back up.

At least until my next u/s tomorrow.

Also, I gave myself the injection ALL BY MY LONESOME Monday night b/c Dr Boy had a softball game. It surprised me how much resistance there was when pushing the fluid in, but honestly, it was a piece of cake. So all in all, easy peasy. My awesome fearless friend N offered to give it to me (to get back at me for all the bitchy things I've said in the past, no doubt), but Dr Boy insisted that I don't "wuss out and take the easy way." Blah. But it went fine so he's off the hook for that one.

The bloat is pretty insane right now. I'm still sitting at just over 4 lbs of gain, but I think it stole weight from other parts of my body and redistributed it ALL IN MAH BELLEH. It's too-big-to-suck-in HUGE. I'm wearing a dress today for the comfort factor, as I wore pants that nearly busted open of their own accord yesterday. I walked down to Subway to grab lunch today, and noticed that in my reflection in a passing storefront I seriously look knocked up in this. Like, 5 months or so, right before the belly gets round. The "is she fat or pregnant" phase of pregnancy.

If only. Though I have to say, I like the way I look with a pregnant belly. Not enough to keep it without the baby inside though.

I'll let 'ya all know how it goes tomorrow... hopefully I'll be triggering soon like Lauren! Wish her some luck!