Troubles Fly Away

Be as a bird perched on a frail branch that she feels bending beneath her, still she sings away, all the same, knowing she has wings.
-Victor Hugo

I received a beautiful little necklace from my bestest friend N for Christmas. It arrived on this card:

With the above quote on the back of the card. It was meant to help lift me up after our IVF fail, an incredibly thoughtful gesture. I was cleaning out our bedroom last night (preparing for my family's visit this weekend yay), and found the necklace that I had *meant* to put with my jewelry. Of course, it made me cry. Because it's just as appropriate, if not more so, right around now.

Since Sunday, I've hardly been able to keep the tears at bay for longer than two or three hours. I was making dinner last night, and as soon as Dr Boy walked in the door home from work, I lost it. Full on shirt-drenching sobs while my hands were covered in shredded chicken**.
I think I was set off by the fact that he won't let me get a consolation puppy for my birthday.

No, but seriously, I've felt like I'm doing this precarious balance of trying to hold it together, and it's just not working very well. When I pulled this necklace out of the pile last night, I knew I'd wear it today.

And you know what? I haven't cried yet.

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** In an attempt to be frugal I bought a cheap whole chicken on clearance, roasted it, and shredded the meat. THIS IS SO EFFING GROSS. My newly meat-eating sensibilities were seriously harmed by pulling out the giblets, and I almost vommed when I reached the spine. Nastysauce.

I did, however, manage to find the wishbone. Dr Boy and I pulled, and he won. But right now? I'm not upset it's not my wish heading on up- I'm fairly certain we're on the same page.

I held onto the weak-link right side. Sigh.

All A'board

Everything went beautifully!

After waking up on the late side, Dr Boy made me a nice peanut butter chocolate protein shake and we headed off to pre-transfer acupuncture. Very relaxing... Almost better than the Xanex I took after!

We then went to our clinic which ushered us pretty quickly back into the transfer room. I got to show off my embryo socks... Nothing says "Stick, babies stick!" quite like silver sparkly polka dots, right?

Clearly not my ankle's most flattering view

Our RE came in and gave us the great news- they thawed two AA embryos... and both survived perfectly! No fragmentation, and they even saw continued growth and cellular differentiation between the morning thaw and mid-day transfer. They're alive... Score!! The transfer went seamlessly, with less pain inserting the catheter through the cervix than last time around. I love our clinic. Dr S was so warm today and answered any and all questions I had, and my nurse gave me a little good luck gift! She came in at the end, teared up, and asked if we wouldn't mind if she prayed for us- so so sweet of her and incredibly thoughtful. I really do love our clinic. We relaxed in the room for a half an hour or so, then headed back for post-transfer acupuncture. I totally fell asleep during that one, but am glad we did it.

So I'm officially in the TWW.

0 dp 6 dt.

God I hope this works. I want all of the heartbreak of these last 8 weeks to be worth something. I have gone through so much, emotionally, let so many balls drop, damaged friendships, and I have to hope that it won't be for nothing. Or irreparable, for that matter. Other than relaxing and getting at least one of these darned embryos to stick, I have a couple of important people to make amends with, because above all else?

None of this matters if I don't have people to share it with.

Meet our take 2 embies... Hundreds of differentiated
AA cells, just waiting to be our kids... They're so much
bigger than last time! So many more cells!!!

Revised.

Well that last calendar sure lasted long :)

I've been a bit anxious about our proposed FET date and beta. Our plan had our transfer on Monday Feb 6th, then flying off to Denver to hang out with friends and ski five days later. We'd come back Monday the 13th, then have our beta on V Day. I had reconciled the fact that I wouldn't be skiing while there, and refraining from imbibing with friends. No biggie. We were, however, nervous what effect the travel and inevitable activity and excitement of the weekend would have on implantation. We know it would have occurred before Friday, but if this cycle ended up a bust, we would for SURE blame it on the weekend. Two things would happen. Well, three really.

1. I would be pissed off at the FET for ruining what could have been a fantastic weekend of skiing and drinking with friends. (which, I might add, I'd gladly give up for a baby, but we're moving on the assumption that this doesn't result in a cute pooping blop of smooshable baby)

2. I would be pissed off at the weekend of travel and hanging out with friends for ruining our implantation and blame it for our BFN.

3. I would cry a lot. (inevitable, yes)


None of these things would be good, so we changed our FET date. Our new transfer date is Wednesday Feb 15th, *after* we return from our trip. I am so relieved that we did this. I know we won't have anything to pin a failed transfer on, so nothing gets ruined. Plus, there are no major holidays or important dates for the BFN parade to rain on (yes, I'm now superstitious about that).

Our new calendar looks like this:

The color coding makes me insanely happy. Insanely. Click to enlarge.

I'm still anxious about pushing it back, strictly on the premise that we wanted to get to our next transfer as soon as humanly possibly. I'm willing to deal with that anxiety, though, knowing how much the good of a delayed transfer outweighs the good of an earlier one.

Plus, I didn't love my old calendar enough to color code it, so that must be saying something.


There you have it. Our plan. Revised. Let me know if you're cycling in Jan/Feb- I'd love to follow along!

The Dark Place

It's where I go when I'm depressed. I was there a lot before I started Lexapro. I've been there every now and then since I weaned off a little over three years ago. I'm there now. I have so many errands to run today, so many things to do to get ready to travel down to LA Saturday morning. Yet I'm here on the couch, watching my 7th episode in a row of Friday Night Lights.

Of course I am. It's expected. It's one of those days where love and support hurts. Knowing you have all these people around rooting for you and supporting you. Right now, I feel like I just have more people out there who I've let down. People who helped me during this cycle that I feel like wasted their time. Thoughts and prayers that went unanswered.

Emily wrote the sweetest post. Everything that was going through my head yesterday. All the questioning. And while it felt good to read those words, it made me cry. Just like when my IVF nurse called in the afternoon to check up on me. It made me bawl. The best part was me making the mistake of asking when, realistically, we could start our FET. Because right now, all I can think about are two things. 1. Why the hell am I here. 2. When the hell can we start again.

You know what she said? First, I have to cycle out of the provera (probably this weekend). Then, I have to have a natural cycle. Say WHAT??? My natural cycles are effing 50 days long, if I'm lucky. "If you're late you can take provera." Oh gee. That cuts it down to a 45 day cycle. That sure helps. Then I have to do BCP for a month, then the cycle we end up transferring. That, best case scenario, takes about 80 days until we hit CD1 for the FET cycle. Which takes us to the second week of March. Which means we won't even find out until the last week of March. That's three months away.

That's effed up. It sent me into some pretty hysterical sobs, strait into the bathroom with the chaise lounge doing a heck of a lot of the ugly cries. I spend the last half our of work there. Or rather the second to last half hour of work. The final half hour of work I spent on the phone with my friend N talking me down. She's kindof the best. Turns out Dr Boy texted her to call me and talk me down, because he didn't have time to at work. And you know what? She was able to tell him that she already had :) I am so lucky to have the two of them.

I turn 30 on March 13th.

I need this before then. I at least need this CHANCE before then.

I have my WTF appointment tomorrow afternoon with Dr S. I hope to hell she was wrong. I want to start BCP this goddamn weekend and get the show on the road.

Could any of you that have been here (and I am so so sorry that you have), what your timeline looked like? I need to know what's "normal" in this situation. Am I trying to rush it? Because I feel ready. My head needs this to happen much much more than my body needs to heal. I'm fine physically, and will keep working on being fine physically. I just need this to happen as soon as possible, so I can crawl out of the dark place.

I know these all just sounds melodramatic. I kindof want to punch myself for it but I can't seem to stop.

The kindness of "strangers"

You might remember that about a month ago, when Dr Boy and I were struggling with the decision of whether to go with another menopur/IUI, a fantastic pregnant-with-miracle-trips-through-IVF blogger, Emily, sent me some AWESOME socks. We all know how important socks are! I like to think that it's the socks they're paying attention to while I'm all up in the stirrups, not my biznass. And ya'll will just have to let me live with that illusion.

Well, looks like the immense kindness of the IF community has struck again! I am so lucky to be a part of this group- you are all such wonderful people, and immense sources of knowledge and strength. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

But back to the story. Something AWESOME-SAUCE showed up in the mail today. Something that looked like this:

My cycle-buddy over at Waiting and Wishing sent me an IVF care package. She and I took our last BCP on the same day, so we'll be quite close to each other in terms of cycling. Which is soooo nice. So nice to share the crazy. I like to think that we keep each other entertained. I made her look bipolar on the elliptical, and she made me rethink the way I look at public restrooms forever. We're a good pair!

Not one, but TWO pairs of awesome please-don't-look-at-my-biznass-look-at-these-instead socks. A bookmark with a beautiful inspirational quote. And a note card that looks like it has TWO IMPLANTABLE EMBRYOS!! How flippin' awesome is that?

I am so lucky, you guys. In spite of all this unlucky, I am lucky.

TVT

Happy Thursday! It's that time of the week again! Say thanks to Oak for providing the vomititious kid in the pic!

- One of my cats is currently chasing her tail. Through the hole in a level of her cat tree. Because if you can't SEE that it's attached, it must NOT be attached. We breed winners over here.

Whaaaat? Don't judge me!

- Had my saline sono today. I didn't take the recommended 600-800mg advil. Honestly, it wasn't awful. The catheter that they insert into the uterus is the same size as what they use for an IUI, so that wasn't bad. They use the speculum to crank 'er open to insert it, then toss it in and measure how deep your ute is, then carefully remove the speculum and replace it with 'ol wandy. Next, they hook the end of the catheter up to a plunger full of saline and toss it all in while they watch on the screen. Everything looked good, no septum, no nada. A "perfectly hospitable looking womb".  Yay my womb! I'm still pretty crampy, but then again I definitely pushed it tonight in terms of activity.

- I wore the awesome socks in the middle of this picture to the appointment today. They were given to me by the AWESOME Emily, who just so happens to be a 7 or 8 weeks into a successful IVF pregnancy... with triplets! She wore a pair of socks like the ones on the left to a transfer of hers, and I mentioned how much AWESOME I think she had on her feet. And you know what happened next? She mailed me a few pairs of AWESOME to put on MY feet! She's awesome. I'm saving the Mary Janes for the retrieval or transfer... can't decide which.

- I saw a double rainbow after my saline sono this afternoon. I didn't know what it meant.

- Went to an infertility support group meeting tonight (part of the reason I pushed it tonight) with The Womb Warrior and others. As usual, it was truly wonderful to see others going through similar circumstances and to hear their stories. The blogging and tweeting community are AMAZING, but there really is just something to face-to-face contact.

'till next time.... Vomit On!

Round Two

JM and Dr Boy in one ring...


The Ovaries in the other...


Who will emerge victorious???? Only time will tell....

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I've felt particularly disconnected this week. It was like throwing on the e-brake Monday morning when AF showed up. We had a fantastic weekend, full of in-laws, baseball, and BBQing for friends. The party we thew went wonderfully, the in-laws were tame, and I got stuff DONE. In a clean house. No, I didn't get to drink the sangria Sunday night, but I was contently in the TWW. Pretending I was gestating.

We went to Dr Boy's bro's baseball game Monday morning, and BOOM. The cramps I had been experiencing on and off all weekend intensified, I hit the restroom, and it was over. AF showed at 12DPO, on CD28. How funny! My first "perfect" cycle off BC. Wonderful.

Lots of wine was drunk Monday night.

On Tuesday afternoon, my wonderful friend N set up a coffee date for us and another friend- and her 4 month old baby. I was a wee bit nervous about "putting on my smile", but the truth is, it was the best thing I could have done that day. After the baby started releasing too many bodily fluids for N's taste, I held her. And bounced her, and lulled her to sleep :) This baby? Amazeballs. And there was no need to fake the contently happy feeling I had with her in my arms.

Did I mention her head smelled amazing? I also very nearly took a bite out of her arm. For safe keeping.

So that was my cheap therapy session. That combined with the second bottle of wine consumed in as many days. Yum.

 I went in for my baseline u/s on Wednesday, which showed my empty uterus and almost-back-to-normal ovaries. There was one residual cyst on righty measuring around 9mm, but Dr K wasn't concerned. Probably just still shrinking from last time around.

The plan (can you believe we're already at a plan again? so quick. no time to mourn IUI #1) is to stick with the menopur, just a tad more aggressively. 3 vials on CD3, 4, and 5. 2 vials for the remainder so my "loaded guns" don't go crazy. (I love thinking of my PCOS-ey ovaries as loaded guns. Actually I don't. It scares me.) Get some bloodwork drawn Saturday, then another u/s on CD9 (tuesday). Dr K would like to see some 10 or 11's at that point, so we move a few days faster than last time (triggering on CD15). We'll see!

So there you have it. Therapy, a plan, and two shots down. In case you were wondering, 3 vials of menopur burns way more than 2 vials. Either that or I've just turned massively wussy in the last two and a half weeks.


Which is entirely possible.

A List.

Because I've been ill since Saturday, and every time I cough I feel like I have "Shaken-JM-Syndrome", this is the best I can come up with right now. Miss you guys. I'll be back to commenting when I can keep my eyes open for prolonged periods of time.

1. I said eff you to my crampy uterus and started the provera last Wednesday. One more down tomorrow. If it's anything like last cycle, that should give me AF on Sunday, and starting the menopur mid-week.

2. I've had the sore throat from hell combined with 3-pack-a-day smoker's cough since Saturday. Two dr's appt later and all I have to show for it is three less sick days in the bank, some Mucinex D, and Robitussin with codeine... Oh wait... that's not so bad...

3. Spent four of those sick days in LA visiting my family. Had to cancel plans with friends. Spent most of the time in bed. My mom got to take care of me and make me soup. Funny quote "I love that you're sick because it means you need me again". Oh momma-sita, I will always need you! Now can I do it without coughing up bloody phlegm?

4. I am irrationally terrified that the summer flu from hell will prevent me from going forward with this cycle. Please tell me I am an irrational worry-wort.

5. I got back to Nrn CA yesterday to a well-cared-for garden (thanks, Dr Boy!) and loads of ripening tomatoes. Finally!

6. I've lost two pounds in a week. The flu is good for something.

ETA: Do you guys think I should ask for a day 3 FSH and estradoil test? Is never ovulating on my own and not responding to the clomid once (but probably all three times) enough of a concern to have this done?

Mid-Cycle Update

Thanks to everyone stopping by from ICLW! This is my first time around for this and it's so wonderful to read about so many others going through the same struggles. I don't really have any close friends with babies, or who are trying to conceive. I wish I did. It'd be nice to have people to commiserate with IRL. But you guys are pretty awesome too :)

Don't get me wrong- I've got a fantastic support group. Just 'cause my mom or best friend isn't struggling with IF doesn't mean that they aren't amazing. They are. And I wouldn't WANT them to struggle. This whole thing blows more chunks than a pregnant woman in her first trimester. 

And Dr Boy is pretty cool too. He has his moments where it's not as real to him. He doesn't have to pee on a stick half the month to see when the big O is.  He puts up with my hysterical crying spurts when I see Facebook "friends" procreating. (I really need to clean house, like AP over at My Dusty Uterus did/is doing) He deals when I'm moody and a big fat bitch the days I get BFNs. And DB does have a cute butt so that always makes things better. 


So onto IF news, I'm currently still out in the Midwest, sans-Dr Boy. I'm having a blast (maybe I'll tell you what I'm doing out here later), but do feel pretty guilty for potentially being gone when I could be ovulating. It's CD15, and I've been peeing on a stick for the past five days. Nothing yet, which isn't all that unexpected being that the usual is between days 15 and 20. I get home on cd19. (sorry if this is all repeating myself). Dr Boy took care of his, uh, specimen, yesterday. I called to make my first appt now that all the tests are complete, and I'm set for Wed June 15th. I'm a little bummed that it's in three weeks, but it at least (in theory) should be after my next TWW. So that's kinda nice. Hopefully they'll give me provera so I don't have to wait forever for the next cycle to start, and we can get this show on the road. 

Suh-weet!

Alrighty, thanks again for stopping by! Looking forward to seeing all of you around!

A (wo)Man with a Plan

Thank you, Kaiser Fertility Dept nurse. We are now friends.

• You didn’t label me “crazy” for calling in crying about how there’s no way I can have an HSG done this cycle because I’ll be out of town during the window of opportunity.

• You wished me a happy vacation and cared enough to ask where I was going even though we’re never met!

• You returned my phone call w/in an hour of me leaving a message.

• You came up with a clear plan of action that makes sense for the constraints we have to work with this cycle.

• You didn’t declare this cycle (which hasn’t started yet but better effing start soon my boobs may fall off otherwise) a FAILURE BEFORE IT EVEN STARTS even though you easily could have.

• You had a nice voice.

So yeah, CD48 CD49 (thank you stupid blogger meltdown yesterday) here. I must be a champ at producing whatever hormone causes luteal phase boob-age pain ‘cause MAN! Wowsers. (anyone know who I can blame for this?) I leave for the Continental Divide and Great Mid-West in one week. So I can’t have my darned HSG done. Reproductive Fail.

The nurse, however, was super helpful and made me feel better. She suggested I go in for the bloodwork they ordered in the next few days, preferably on the first day of my period when it does come but at the very least before I leave. Have Dr Boy go in* for his SA while I’m gone because Hey! Three days w/o hanky panky will be easy peasy then! (in theory, of course, if it’s not, we have bigger problems than the ‘ol baby makin’) Call them the day I get back (Memorial Day which they are OPEN for, another plus in the I love them column) and let them know what CD I’m on and we’ll come up with a plan for this cycle then. She even said (gasp!) that they might go ahead and do an IUI this cycle!!! Holy crapballs I’m excited. Finally DOING SOMETHING THAT MIGHT PRODUCE A BAYBEEEEEE. There’s no guarantee the Dr will do anything like that w/o the HSG results, but they should at least SEE me which they wouldn’t have otherwise.

So, yeah. I am happy. I kinda want AF to wait a few more days now (boob pain and all) so I’ll be back for the big ovulating show! I know I thought this cycle was a wash, but the hope that maybe it’s not, that maybe I won’t have to sit though another POINTLESS 50 day cycle is incredibly hopeful. And I have needed a big fatty dose of hope recently. Real Bad.

*Dr Boy works at (duh!) a hospital. Does he
a) produce his sample at home and bring it in, running the risk of things dying on the commute
-OR-
b) produce his sample in his office with a locked door, turning it in a mere few minutes after the deed has been done.

Answers please!!! A) May be a bad sample, but B) may be too creepy. He’s a pediatrician for godssake.


**forgive the weird font-age going on, i have no idea how to fix it thx.