SSDD

Our beta fell nice and quickly after the loss, so we were blissfully able to start over and move on to the next cycle soothingly fast. I work best when I have a plan. Moving forward towards the objective is the most effective way to keep me from going crazy. I need a plan, movement, momentum to build.

FET #4... who's excited?

So plan we did. Three weeks of birth control, then back on the estrogen bandwagon. Everything went super well with this cycle, same 9.5mm lining as before, yada yada. I did my pre- and post- transfer acupuncture, got my pineapple all ready, and we went to transfer.

Fabulous transfer socks

Meet the MaybeBabies!

Two lovely looking day 6 blasts survived the thaw, though they were still differentiating at the time of transfer, and not actually hatching yet. Wore lots of comfy socks to keep my feet warm, and resigned myself to a month of avoiding cold foods/beverages to avoid drawing energy away from the womb. Thanks traditional chinese medicine for stealing my ice cream coping mechanism. I had an awful afternoon that day though... some sort of brief food poisoning or something and puked three times. Yay me! The rest of the weekend I laid low and relaxed, turning gloomier by the day as I hadn't felt any of the telltale cramping I did the last two times I got pregnant.

I POASed on Monday, and sadly, nothing was there. I was 4dpt, and had positives both with the mini and with the notbabies at that point. Poop. I was a hormonal wreck and ended up sobbing in front of the new serger sewing machine that I couldn't get to work properly. So that was fun. I felt completely out of control of my emotions. I peed again on Tuesday... and it was positive. The squintiest of squinters, but positive. Same issue as last time though- it showed on a FRER but not the cheapie.

Look at what my pee did!

My heart dropped a little the next day when the line didn't get much darker. By Thursday, it had darkened a bit, but I just didn't have a good feeling. Apparently with good reason. My beta was 29. I had my second beta today, and it's 61. ****

So here's where we are. Same shit, different day. I don't really know what to feel, honestly. Whether I'm 14dpo today, or 15dpo, the number is still quite low when looking at betabase. And beta values typically shoot up more than just double at the beginning. The mini's went from 80 to 202 at that dpo. The notbabies went from 41 to 58. Better trend this time, but not really better numbers.

I don't really know what to think. I don't want to be the ungrateful asshole that is complaining about her doubling betas, but the past is haunting me here. I really just can't believe that we're here again. This is just crazy. Again. What the flying fark. I can't work up anything in the way of excitement over this pregnancy, just ambivalence and a hey pass the wine... oh wait nevermind.

We'll see what we see with Monday's beta I guess. Ultrasound tentatively Monday the 19th, at 6w2d.


****Like last time, these embies were frozen on day 6 when they hit blast. As such, the clinic considers me a 6dt, and the first beta at 7dp6dt (13dpo) and second beta at 9dp6dt (15dpo). HOWEVER, I call bunk on this one and only am giving them 5dt credit. They took longer to hit blast, so why give them an extra day of developmental credit? Nope. Plus it's slighty less bleak to think of my beta values at 12dpo and 14dpo instead.

#hope WINNER

We had twelve comments on the giveaway post, with 11 entries. Trusty Random.org picked the winner this morning!

Lucky Number 11!

And the shirt goes to Deanna! Congrats! Deanna just gave birth to her second beautiful boy, Madden, at 28 weeks after a very complicated (to put it lightly) FET pregnancy. She could sure use some #hope right now with gorgeous little M in the NICU for the months to come.

I do wish each and every one of you could have won the shirt- you each have been through so much, and deserve a win so badly. Here's hoping that the next win that arrives in your circle is a bfp :)

I encourage each of you to check out the #hope t-shirts from Jen at CafePress- they are super awesome... as long as you don't have a giant rack and IF-obesity problem :)

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In other news, I'm still fairly symptom free (6w3d today), though I feel like the nausea isn't far away. Or I need to eat smaller portions. Either way. We have our next u/s on Thursday afternoon to take a peek at the Mini Meier, then one last RE visit before graduation. Which is ridiculous. There's no way *I* should be graduating from an RE. Or making an appt with an OB, which I also did (Aug 10 @ 10wks). Ridiculous.

#hope (giveaway!)

It's no secret that I've found a love for the twitterers over the last year, where there is so much support from those willing to life you up when you don't have the strength to do so yourself. Between you guys, the twitters, Dr Boy, and my family and friends, I've stayed as sane as can be through these last three and a half years of infertility BS.

There's a common hashtag out there we use, when those lose hope for themselves, or we manage to find a smidgen left in the tanks.

#hope

It's good for a lot of things, huh?

A great blogger and twitterer, Jen, organized a fundraiser during National Infertility Awareness Week (you know, that thing that I totally ignored because I suck as an IF advocate?) through CafePress. T-shirts were available for purchase, with proceeds from each shirt going to Resolve, a non-profit providing support services and advocacy for our cause.

#hope

Because I love a feel-good excuse to spend my monies (cute shirt! $$ towards charity!!), I ordered my awesome Men's XL American Apparel shirt, planning on wearing it to my retrieval for the Redux. CafePress advertises their Men's XL as having a chest of 46-48", so even this 38DD girl seemed safe.

Yeah, not so much. American Apparel lies like a lying liar. The thing barely covers my left boob... and that was BEFORE the progesterone and hcg kicked in.

Pants on Fire

But my loss is your GAIN!

I'm now giving away my Men's XL #hope shirt to a lucky commenter :)

To celebrate what may (or may not) be seen on Friday.
To celebrate getting further in this game than we ever have before.
To celebrate hope for all of us in the trenches!

Leave a comment with your email address for an entry. One entry per person. Entries will be accepted until 11:59 PDT Monday, July 16th. I'll do that random number generator thingy to select the winner and announce that Tuesday.

Good luck to all, and have #hope!!!


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The liars at American Apparel have no idea who I am, nor does Jen, nor does CafePress. Opinions are all mine, and no one paid me to do this. Disclaimer blah blah.

Positively Positive (8dp5dt, beta #1)

I'm amazed to say it, but I think we may actually be pregnant, my dears. Actually, positively, pregnant.

For now at least.

Our beta came back at 80. At 8dp5dt, or 13dpo.

Above the singleton average, below the twin average. This gives us two possibilities:

a) We have a high-strung, overachieving singleton brewing, like its father.

b) We have majorly procrastinating twins, like their mother. (not a twin, just perpetually late)


We shall see what we see when we see it, huh? At this point, I could care less (truthfully) as long as it/they are healthy and drama-free. The rest of our timeline includes beta #2 on Sunday (10dp5dt), beta #3 on Thursday (14dp5dt), and if we are stupendously lucky enough to make it that far, our first ultrasound at 5w6d two weeks from today (7/13, Friday the 13th). I am a fan of 13's, being born on one, so it's all good. I mean, if it's still all good then.

Always trust a woman that birthed triplets... Emily asked me if my pee smelled funny, as that was her earliest pregnancy symptom. Low and behold, mine smells like I've had coffee or asparagus. Neither of which have crossed these lips in a few weeks. Go figure!

No more darkening on the pee sticks which is driving me crazayzy, but I'll try not to obsess toooo much. Part of me is convinced our beta is already going down because why could this possibly actually work for us? I keep trying not to go there, but it is so hard not to after so much disappointment. I'll try harder. I promise.

I need to learn to not pee on my hand while collecting in a cup.

Knocked up. I'm still shaking my head in amazement. And gratitude.

Suspense (6dp5dt)

I let the suspense kill me. There's a lot of suspense when you do four embryo transfers!!

Shortly after I wrote my last post, I could NOT take it any more. I had held off drinking/peeing for four hours in the afternoon, and I POAS.

Nothing. But whatever, it was 4dp5dt, and really, the pee was pretty dilute. So whatever.

So I held it for another few hours with no drinking.

And peed again. And I *thought* that just maybe maybe maybe, there was a second line. But I didn't get excited. And I didn't tell DH about the ridiculousness.

Now that the seal had been broken, I peed again Tuesday morning, at 5dp5dt. I took a shower to distract myself from the stick, got out, and lost my shit.

Positive.

For now, I'm pregnant. (gah! i'm crying typing those words!)

One of these guys decided to stick around.

In. Love.

I peed again in the afternoon, I peed again this morning, and I added a FRER to the mix. I do have to say, those wondofo tests are amazeballs- way darker than the FRERs, though I've heard that from others too.

I am in shock that those are from MY pee.

When Dr Boy got home that night, I had a gift bag sitting on the dining room table. I told him it was a belated birthday gift I had forgotten to give him. Inside, there was a onesie I bought (with bestie N) from the college bookstore in town. He didn't really get it, and was like "counting your chickens?" So then I pulled these cupcakes out of the fridge.

"Positive"-ly Delicious

To which he said "Are we positive??????????" And I lost it and started bawling and showed him the sticks.

Happy, happy day.


I guess fourth time really was a charm :)

(and then today i became "that" patient and asked to move my beta up to fri instead of sat. and they said yes!)

(and i just added a  bfp label to the blog that made me cry again)

Consumed (4dp5dt)

It's all I can think about.

This whole cycle, I have been incredibly one-minded, with IVF Redux consuming practically every waking thought and action. I have managed to get by at work, but have spent a great deal of time thinking and analyzing and twittering and obsessing over this cycle. It's supposed to be the one that works. The one that went well. The one that had so many of the good things happen during. The one with the embryo with practically outstretched arms reaching towards my lining. I've set pretty darned high standards in my mind, and now I'm terrified.

Let's recap how it all looked, m'kay?

Finito!

- We had appropriately rising estrogen levels
- We didn't flip-flop on medication doses
- We had plenty of 17mm+ follies at trigger
- Our e2 only coasted for one day and didn't have a landslide at the end
- We fertilized 17 out of the 18 mature eggs, out of the 21 retrieved
- On transfer day, a blast was clawing its way out of its shell with another close behind
- On transfer day, only one of the 17 embryos had stopped growing
- I'm bribing the embies with sprinkle cupcakes, snickerdoodles, and a brownie

 
All of these are great things. And I'm not going to lie- I think it worked. I woke up to lots of broad uterine crampies 1dp5dt, and they lasted most of the day. I've had them on and off since. The rest of the "symptoms" I can blame on the progesterone and estrace tabs- sore boobs, heartburn, slight nausea when I eat too quickly. Other symptoms I can blame on going back to work- tiredness. And the dream I had Saturday night that I woke up to use the restroom at 3am at 3dp5dt and got a vivid BFP is par for the course- I have one of those dreams pretty much every transfer cycle. Still though, I just *feel* like it did.

Which means I'm setting myself up for a collossal fall of this pedestal if I'm wrong. I'm hoping and wishing and visualizing that I'm not, but still. I absolutely could be. I am overcome with the urge to test, because it could very well be positive at 9dpo. But it could also very well be a true negative, and it could very well be a false negative.

And so I'm also overcome with the fear of testing, as I don't know if I want to let go of this feeling yet. The feeling that it worked. That *I* worked. That I can, and am supposed to feel a child grow inside me.

Five days until the beta. *Maybe* two more mornings I'll be able to stop myself from peeing.

I don't want to feel like an idiot for thinking I'm pregnant, but I don't want to stop feeling it either. Sigh.

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And on a lighter (ok maybe not *really* lighter) note, rest in peace Lonesome George, the last of your kind. Many of us in this community know what it feels like to be unsuccessful at reproductive attempts, so we feel for you and your lost genetic line. I'm glad I got to meet (ok take a photo of with a really zoomed in lens) you before you left us.

We'll miss you, the last Pinta Galapagos Giant Tortoise

4th Time's a Charm (0dp5dt)

Throughout this cycle I kept asking myself, "How does one get excited for their fourth embryo transfer?" I may have asked you guys that too. It's the same theme I've struggled with this whole month- that overriding theme of building hope and excitement while guarding yourself against failure and grief.

I can honestly say that today? Building excitement was no problem. No problem whatsoever. We hadn't heard anything about our embryos since Tuesday, and weren't really sure what to expect. On Tuesday (day 3), we found out that all 17 were still cleaving, all were 8-11 celled, and all grade 1. Holy octomom, we had HOPE. But then again, we had a great day 3 fert report last time, so that knocked me back a little too. Hope, but not TOO much hope.

I did my pre-transfer acupuncture, took my valium, and promptly got drunk. I mean hey, I accidentally took 10mg instead of 5mg, sue me. It was awesome :)

We were quickly led back into the transfer room and brought a picture of the two embryos selected for transfer. As soon as we saw the picture, all the excitement that had been questioned for the last few weeks exploded my heart and I started crying. (shocker, me? crying?)

Meet Turtle and Penguin! (and my widow's peak)

We had a grade 1AA hugely hatching blast. In fact, the embryologist said "Hurry up and get that thing in there!" The second blast was also grade 1AA, and had just just started hatching too! Double score! We very briefly discussed whether we would transfer one or two, but decided on both based on our history of failure. And that it's probably not good to freeze something that's already started to hatch.

Transfer PDLAMBLATI* from In Due Time

I laid down and we got all prepped, saw the awesome flash of embryonic medium whooshing into my cute ute, and checked that the catheter was empty. Everything went off perfectly, a textbook transfer.

Some resting, post-transfer acupuncture, and earning karma points by calling in a small brush fire in the median in our town (on a very dry windy day), then more resting at home completed our day. I have since bribed the embie with delicious chicken quesadillas, pineapple, and a cuppy cake. I will stop at nothing to get at least one of these guys to stick around.

Funfetti FTW!

Here's hoping that finally, truly, fourth time is a charm. Beta is a week from Saturday at 9dp5dt.

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*PDLAMBLATI- Please don't look at my business, look at THESE instead!

Thick like...

...butter?

...sliced bread?

...a good roux?

...uhhh... a fantastic uterine environment that makes you want to snuggle in for 9 months?

Yeah, I don't know. But forgive the lapse in good metaphors, because I'm busy being happy that my uterine lining came looked fantastic at our ultrasound this morning. We're exactly one week out from FET numero dos, and already things are going so much better than last time! In February, my lining never climbed higher than 7.9mm, and actually thinned out a little before transfer. This time, we're already at 9.3mm! Yowzers!

We joked that my ute was thanking us for giving her such a nice saline bath last week... a girl like's to feel clean and pretty, you know? She likes her spa days! My trilaminar pattern really did look textbook perfect. Way better than it did last time, and better than with our fresh cycle in Dec.

I had a bad dream that at the u/s, the were hundreds of mature follies apparent on my oves, and that the RE was mad that I didn't agree to using lupron this cycle. Oooops. In reality, everything's still nice and quiet, and the decision hasn't come back to bite us in the ass (or sub-cutaneously, as you will).

Dr S even went as far as to say that we looked good enough to skip our final check on Friday, but I doubt we'll forgo that. I may not be the biggest fan of wandy mc vajercam, but I would just not feel right if this doesn't work, and wonder if there was something that we could have caught. No sir-ee-bob, we're going for one last date.


Dare I say it? I may actually have a hint of optimism this time around... for now...

Slightly boring PDLAMBLATI, but better than nothing!

Troubles Fly Away

Be as a bird perched on a frail branch that she feels bending beneath her, still she sings away, all the same, knowing she has wings.
-Victor Hugo

I received a beautiful little necklace from my bestest friend N for Christmas. It arrived on this card:

With the above quote on the back of the card. It was meant to help lift me up after our IVF fail, an incredibly thoughtful gesture. I was cleaning out our bedroom last night (preparing for my family's visit this weekend yay), and found the necklace that I had *meant* to put with my jewelry. Of course, it made me cry. Because it's just as appropriate, if not more so, right around now.

Since Sunday, I've hardly been able to keep the tears at bay for longer than two or three hours. I was making dinner last night, and as soon as Dr Boy walked in the door home from work, I lost it. Full on shirt-drenching sobs while my hands were covered in shredded chicken**.
I think I was set off by the fact that he won't let me get a consolation puppy for my birthday.

No, but seriously, I've felt like I'm doing this precarious balance of trying to hold it together, and it's just not working very well. When I pulled this necklace out of the pile last night, I knew I'd wear it today.

And you know what? I haven't cried yet.

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** In an attempt to be frugal I bought a cheap whole chicken on clearance, roasted it, and shredded the meat. THIS IS SO EFFING GROSS. My newly meat-eating sensibilities were seriously harmed by pulling out the giblets, and I almost vommed when I reached the spine. Nastysauce.

I did, however, manage to find the wishbone. Dr Boy and I pulled, and he won. But right now? I'm not upset it's not my wish heading on up- I'm fairly certain we're on the same page.

I held onto the weak-link right side. Sigh.

No Bueno (6dp6dt)

Before I get to it, could you guys go over and give Jenny some love today? She went in for an ultrasound at 9 weeks and found out her baby no longer has a heartbeat. This is hers and Jeff's third loss. This week has been just an awful one for everyone out there in the trenches, and I'm hoping beyond hope that this streak comes to a quick halt.
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So it's not looking good, folks. I'm a pee-er. Even after last time, where I decreed that early testing is the devil, I continue to be a pee-er. I have, however, amazed myself with my resolve this time around. Rather than peeing at a paltry 5dp5dt, I held out until 6dp6dt. Go me, right?

To be honest, the wait wasn't all that bad, since I had a lot of things working in my favor this time. I have the sore boobs, but that's progesterone so we'll throw that out. My sense of smell has been heightened since Friday night, when I smelled Dr Boy's glass of wine from halfway across the house. (that could just be me detoxing though :) ) The next night, I knew the INSTANT one of the cats used the litter box. Smells are still getting to me a lot stronger and quicker than normal. The uterine cramping also started Friday night (2dp6dt), and has pretty much been there on and off whenever I stand or move around too much. It's pretty isolated to the lowest quadrant of my belly, and is stronger on the left side. I've also started to get some of the heartburn back. It was particularly bad when I was taking the estradiol tabs orally, but now that they're going up my bizness it had, until the last two days, gone away.

So yeah. Boobs, Super Sniffer, Cramping, and Heartburn. Oh, and the ABSOLUTE NEED to take a nap by 4 or 5pm.

So I tested this morning, thinking I had this one in the bag. Well, I may have it in the bag, but it's just not revealing itself yet. We'll see tomorrow when I have my beta drawn, but I'm having my doubts.

Do you know how difficult it is to reconcile two competing thoughts in your head? The knowledge that "of course it worked this time", combined with "don't be stupid your ute is still empty", add up to quite the headache.


I'm not letting go of the "of course", because I think the positivity will do us some good.


But I'm also not letting go of the "don't be stupid", so I don't crash and burn as fantastically as I did last time. Ha. Like I could prevent that.

Dear Santa... (and the plan)

First, I told you that all I wanted for Christmas was a positive pregnancy test, preferably my own.

I understand the confusion, as you may have overheard me telling my husband about these super cute galoshes, and my mom about a Le Creuset dutch oven, and my in-laws about some new running gear.

Totally get it.

But I probably should have been more clear. And maybe omitted the "preferably my own" part. Though you did come through! I mean, not for Dr Boy and I, but for Rebecca, and W&W, and Megan, and AMiracle, and Heather, and Jenn, and @mhamer33, and @_ttc_2003, and @EndoJourney, my cousin, and my new friend K.

Yeah.

Thank you for helping all of them, and the others I'm sure I'm forgetting. Each and every one of them deserves this win so, so very much. Though, I'm fairly certain that there's only three of us whom I cycled with that aren't pregnant right now. Which, to be honest, is pretty damn good stats, which is why I'm thanking you, Santa.

Do you think you might have something else in 'ya though? Or, could you contact Cupid, or St Valentine, or one of the President's we celebrate on Presidents Day?

Because we could really use a win. This time? I'm amending my request.

One positive pregnancy test, please. Definitely my own.

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Good news at the RE visit yesterday. Got the usual "Sometimes the best embryos just don't stick, and the crappy ones do" speech, which I was expecting. I know there wasn't going to be any good reason why this didn't work.

We then got down to the business of our FET. Dr S is definitely on the same page as we are- getting this show on the road ASAP. As such, we're going to start BCP as soon as my period arrives, which it keeps threatening. I have totally AF cramps, to the point t where I feel like it's a repeat of the Great Toilet Paper Watch of 2011. I'm not quite to the point of tempting fate with lacy undergarments and white pants, but if we're a no-show this weekend, AF better watch out. I won last time, if you remember.

He wants me on BCP for a min of 3 weeks, at some point starting some lovely Lupron injections to keep me suppressed. I'll come off the BCP, do some u/s's to check out my lining, take some estrogen, start me some PIO-goodness, then transfer in early February, along with the rest of the patients on the Jan/Feb calendar. Bueno. Oh, yeah, and he definitely wants to transfer two again. So we don't have to have that fight later :)

If all goes well, I'll be PUPO by Valentine's Day. Though I have a ski trip planned to Breckenridge the weekend before V-Day, so we'll be planning around that. Maybe the elevation will help???

Could I ask you guys for input again? If you've had one, what did your FET med calendar look like? What kinds of meds were you taking, when, etc. If you've written a post on it, you can direct me there. I feel like all the research I did was on the fresh part of the cycle, not the frozen parts. Thanks!

I'm happy. I still have a crazy low trigger for crying, but honestly, I did before. Not this bad, but not all that abnormal either. I may or may not have cried during Top Chef last night.

Ultimately, I'm just glad to have a plan to get through the holidays, something to focus on instead of the pain and hurt that this cycle ended up as.

My boobs got my back (9dp5dt)

At my job, each day I work one of two shifts: one that starts at 6am, or one that starts at 7am (it's flexible, but I vanpool and we head in about that time). Today is my seventh day of work in a row. All with 6am-ers.

Let's first get this on the table that I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON. This fact cannot be rescued by caffeine. I have been known to be saved by the occasional donut or asiago cheese bagel with onion and chive cream cheese, but generally speaking, not. a. morning. person.

Now let's get THIS on the table. I frequently turn my alarm off in my sleep. About half the time, Dr Boy realizes it and gets me up (because he is a saint in this regard and i love him dearly), but the other half? Totally late for work. It's a problem.

Last week, between making holiday english toffee, going back to work after lots of resting, and not sleeping well due to stressing about implantation, I managed to turn my alarm clock off three mornings in a row. I'm talented, huh?

Today was destined to be one of those mornings. I didn't get more than four hours of sleep Saturday night, so I had a lot of catching up to do. I still stayed up too late, opening presents and hanging out with the in-laws. I talked to my mom a little before bed. I FINALLY got to talk to Dr Boy, just the two of us, about the serious possibility, near-certainty, that we were one of those couples that have to go through an IVF BFN. There were tears, sobs, and snot. I finally fell asleep HARD shortly after 11pm.

The alarm very rudely woke me up this morning as I was dreaming about something or other. I know I dreamt but can't for the life of me remember what about. I was sleeping on my back, and started to roll over to turn it off and

BAM!!! HOLY HELL BOOBS FEEL LIKE HOT POKERS ARE STABBING THEM!!! In reality it was only my sheets and mattress, but wow. That sure as hell woke me up. No late for work for me!

So thank you boobs, for having my back, and keeping me from accidentally turning my alarm clock off.

Also, for giving me just the slightest bit of hope that this cycle *may* have actually been successful. Of course, it's more likely that the pain is from the PIO shots we take in the evenings, but still. A girl can dream.

Other "maybe" type symptoms include crazy fiery heartburn from hell no matter what I eat, and crampy ute. Of course, that could be AF trying to bust her way through the PIO/Estradiol, but whatever. I have also had a crazy amount of CM in the last few days. Crazy amount. Grody. Grody. Grody.

I don't know. I'm sure I'm just still trying to cling to the false hope stage. (coincidentally the reason i didn't poas this am) Either way, we'll know when the phlebotomist sings tomorrow.

My embies are lazy (8dp5dt) (edited)

Which would make sense, since they're half me. I was kindof hoping they'd get the half-my-husband in that department though.

They're still failing to give me any appreciable sign that they're still in there. Two more days of pee sticks, two more big fatty white spaces where a second line should be. I added the First Response Early Results into the mix yesterday, and they're just as pasty white. Maybe if I sent them to the tanning salon they'd respond better?

I had my blood draw this morning. Good times with a mid-forearm vein. Should get the results in a few hours. I'm hoping beyond hope that there's something still in there, just slowly stretching and getting into the hcg-producing swing of things. Slowly. Agonizingly slowly.

Yesterday and Friday were the days of grief. I was finally confronted with the very real possibility that this wouldn't work. That I'd fall into the 30-40% chance of failure, rather than the 60-70% chance of success that Dr S gave me. When he walked out of the room after the transfer, he said that he had no doubt in his mind that they'd be calling me with good news this week. I'm pretty sure the good news wasn't that we'd be sending more $$ their way in a month or two.

Today is more of a numb day. I'm slowly transitioning into the worst phase of my end-of-cycle processing- false hope. You know, the justification part? Well, it was probably just a bad batch of tests. It's still too early to really know. They could just be super-late implanters. Tests have been wrong before! The false hope makes you feel like a complete dupe when the truth comes out, but at least it's kept me from sobbing in front of computer models this morning.

Yes, we have 8 embies on ice waiting in the wings. Yes, they're probably pretty good quality. Yes, I'm still 29. Yes, we still have time. Blah, blah, blah.

Those aren't the things you want to hear when you're facing a BFN after something you thought would get you your take home baby. A great way to celebrate the holidays is with a BFP! Not a bottle of spiced wine. I just feel like I've let everyone down so far, with my mom coming up to take care of me through the retrieval/transfer, and the second beta being drawn on her birthday. And poor Dr Boy, who's rushed home each night to make sure that I had dinner and my PIO injection, and that our diabetic cat was taken care of so I could slack it up on the couch.

The best part is that the in-laws are heading over this afternoon when we get off work to celebrate Christmas with us, since we'll be heading down to So Cal to spend it with my family. You know how my blog title is Meier Madness? It originally stemmed from what I call the trips they take to visit us. While I love them to death, and they truly are wonderful loving people, high doses of the Meier's can be a lot to handle. A lot. And while they know that we'll be finding out some time this week whether we were successful or not, I just don't want to let them into this inner circle quite yet. If today is a false negative, I don't want to drag them down, or have them try to lift me back up. I'm not in the mood. I want to sulk, or celebrate, in peace with Dr Boy. But we won't get to do that. And EVEN better, they're spending the night, so we won't have our time alone until we both get home from work tomorrow. Fab.

I hope I'm just overreacting. I'm good at that. I hope that at least one of these guys chose to stick around. I really just want my Hanukkah miracle.

Please?
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Today's beta came back at less than 5. Guess I'm hoping for a miracle on Tuesday.

Freeze Report and Why Early Testing is the Devil (6dp5dt)

So last I left you to take a gander at my right column dealio to decipher what we ended up freezing from this cycle. To recap, we still had 17 embies growing on the day of transfer. We transferred two, leaving 15 to continue growing and makin' da behbehs for us.

Our clinic will only freeze (or at least in our case) once an embie hits blasts. They'll give them until day 7 to do so, then call it quits. I called on Monday afternoon (day 7), and found out that 5 embies had hit blast by Sunday and were frozen, and another three caught up on Monday and were added to our lot.

We have 8 snowy embies! Snowbies! If you look at it as 8 out of the 36 that were retrieved, it's kind of depressing knowing that we lost about 75% of what was gathered. On the other hand, we TRANSFERRED TWO AND HAVE EIGHT FROZEN.

That maketh me happy. So do these slippers. Though not in the same way.

Gratuitous PDLAMBLATI. Noone's lookin' at my business,
but they sure are warm and cozy and cute.

Onto the devil sticks. I was emboldened by the success of Rebecca at Pink Lipgloss and Prenatals, whose trigger never tested out. She's had some great beta's and has her first u/s next week :) Awesome!

But anywho, I thought, well, I had some pretty good uterine cramping at 1, 2, and 3 dp5dt (days past a day 5 transfer). No implantation spotting, but that doesn't always happen. I had two GREAT looking embies transferred. Since about Tuesday (hmmmm, the first day I went back to work with a 6am start time) I've been reaching my awake limit at about noon. Right around there, I hit a point where my eyeballs burn and it literally hurts to keep them open. So much so that putting cold spoons on them sounds absolutely divine. Also, no matter what I eat, I get heartburn. Not awful, but definitely makes me think twice about snacking on anything other than cool water.

That's it though. Exhaustion, which can be explained away by lots of activity after lots of inactivity, and heartburn that can be explained away by unhealthy snacking. (though dude, even my dinner salad made me burny)

So I tested yesterday at 5dp5dt. Nothing. I had an incredibly vivid dream just before I woke up, where I just knew I was pregnant. Absolute, one hundred percent certainty. I felt so FULL. Full of everything that I can imagine it would feel like to finally have this happen for us. So Right. Perfect. I woke up still holding onto that feeling, and couldn't keep myself away from the devil sticks.

And I tested again today at 6dp5dt. Nothing. I again dreamt, this time of a co-worker announcing that his wife, whom I met on Tuesday, was pregnant. And due tomorrow. Holy hell, that one sent me into the breakroom in tears. In the dream, of course.

And tomorrow, I will test again. Because really, I've already broken the seal on this round and once you start, you just can't damn well stop before the beta, right? (sunday) But I'm breaking out the Big Guns. I have six First Response Early Results, the Rolls Royce of pee sticks according to Mo.

Please hold me. I'm finally on the doubt side of the roller coaster, and it feels like shit.

I'm alive! And PUPO! (2dp5dt)

Get Well flowers, from the in-laws.... really pretty!

Ummm.... so I kindof dropped off the face of the IVF blogging scene, huh? I was soooo soooo tired mid-week and had my mom in town taking care of me- bad combination for keeping up with the updates! Then we had the transfer, and seriously, blogging while horizontal is effing annoying. So I didn't do it. I'll try and recap the last few days for ya'll.

Wednesday Dec 7: Called for an updated fert. report, and was told our embies were still growing strong! At 2 days past retrieval, we had 1 6-cell, 5 5-cell, 10 4-cell, and 1 3-cell embryos. A-effing-mazing. The discomfort from retrieval was getting a lot better at this point, completely attributed to the drill-sergeant I have for a mother with regards to my protein and fluid intake. Dr Boy helped too :)

EAT MORE PROTEIN! AND DRINK  YOUR WATER! Or else...

I was still relying pretty heavily on my heating pad though- I swear that thing is an egg retrieval LIFE SAVER. Oh, and the colace. Even if you think you won't have a regularity problem? Take it. I did twice a day after the Annoyed Army Wife mentioned how pleasant post-retrieval moments can be. Never had a single problem :) Also? Lupron triggers don't light up an HPT. I checked :)

Thursday Dec 8: Called for an updated fert report, and to double-check we weren't doing a day three transfer. Found out Dr S was bragging about my embryo quality at the staff meeting that day... woohoo! Brag-worthy embies!!! We had a bunch of 8, 9, and 10-celled embies at that point (morulas?). Scheduled for a Saturday morning transfer. I felt a ton better that day, good enough to go out to lunch, on a walk, and rode in the car for a bit to pick a friend up from the airport.

Bedrest sure is hard, ya'll.

Friday Dec 9: Went to work for a 1/2 day. Definitely overdid it, activity-wise, but am glad I did in hindsight. I'm bedrest BORED! Called for my daily updated fert report, and found out that we had lost one or two embies, but most were still going strong. Crazy! Amazing, but crazy. Finally confident that we avoided the dreaded OHSS, as my weight only fluctuated by a couple of pounds through the week. As of today, I'm only up 6 lbs from my pre-IVF weight. I attribute this to the rapid increase in my sugar intake. And the 36 eggs retrieved.

Friday is the day that I pretty much went crazy, though. We were finally at (side note: my dog just ate a spider. i am thankful and grossed out all at the same time) a point where we had to make the one-or-two decision. I could write pages on this, but it really boiled down to two things. One, I didn't think I could handle a BFN if we only transferred one, knowing that we didn't do "everything" possible to make this succeed. Two, Dr Boy and my Mommasita were worried about the repercussions of a twin pregnancy. Not the aftermath- we know we could handle two at once financially and time-wise. It's more the medical perspective, and the increased risk to both me and the babies. I know people do it all the time. I know that. The twitters helped a lot- I got a lot of unique perspectives from people who had been there and done that. Ultimately though, I couldn't shake the feeling that I was pushing to transfer two for selfish reasons. I finally came to the conclusion that in the long run, I couldn't live with the fact that if something happened to the babies, it would have been because I was too selfish to just transfer one.

We decided that if we had multiple good quality embies at the blast stage on Saturday morning, we would transfer one. Our clinic freezes embies once they hit blast, which meant that if godforbid it didn't work out this time around, we knew we'd definitely have good options for an FET. They give them until day 7 to reach that point before they consider them non-viable. If we didn't, we'd go with two. This decision was INCREDIBLY hard-fought and stressful. I was pretty damn irritable and bitchy all night, but after a lot of tears and sobs and tissue, both Dr Boy and I were comfortable with our decision to go with one.

Sushi nomnomnomnom....

We went out for sushi that night as my "last supper." It was amazingly delicious. Even Dr Boy ate some! I consider this a big win. We all went to bed pretty darn late, completely exhausted after all the emotional discussions that went on throughout the day.

Of course though, the more you plan, the more things get shaken up.

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I'll finish this off tomorrow... I'm exhausted and have to head back to work tomorrow!!! It's the office holiday party though, so at least it'll be a fun day :) Missed you guys!

Caviar Taste. (CD8)

This has absolutely nothing to do with my post.
Though I think she's saying "I'm glad you don't eat Le Beef"

So a couple of weeks ago, Emily commented on one of my pre-IVF posts "Have you told your ov's your plan yet? They are going to be SO PISSED when they find out what you are gunna make them do!"

Holy hell that girl was right. The cramping started Sunday night. The bloat started in earnest yesterday. I'm up 3.8 pounds. I can feel some swelling in my hands and face, kindof like when you eat a meal that has way too much salt or MSG in it. To combat all of that I'm supposed to try and eat around 100 grams of protein per day, and drown myself in water and electrolytes.

My oves have realized that I'm finally making them get up off their lazy asses and WORK DAMNIT. Their response? "Fine. You want follies? We'll GIVE you follies." I got my results from the e2 bloodwork yesterday.

2864. Wowzers. Help me, Rhonda. Come on, Eileen.

My oves have caviar taste, what can I say. When all we were spending was random $5 copays for IUIs, they laughed. "Really? That's like giving a girl a garage sale purse instead of heading to Coach. We're not putting out for that." Now that we've written the big check for IVF? They're giving up the goods. They wanted to make sure we BOUGHT the damn cow instead of getting the milk for free.

More news tomorrow when we have our u/s. I'm to hold my dose tonight at 1 unit menopur, take my ganirelix in the morning before the appt, but bring the follistim so they can decide how much to give me.

Dare I say it... I actually have hope.

Where I learn I can grow follicles (CD7)

Today's PDLAMBLATI (thanks, Waiting and Wishing!)

 And lots of them, at that.

There aren't many times a PCOS-er is thankful for the hundreds of piece of ess cysts she's got on her oves. During the stim phase of IVF? That's one of them.

Turns out I've got about 14 "good sized" follicles growing on 'ol righty. My RE categorizes "good sized" as 8 or above. The biggest four were 12.3mm, 11.6mm, 11.4mm, and 10.9mm. Lefty is slacking, but only to the tune of 10 "good sized" follies, the biggest of which were 11.6mm, 11.1mm, 10.8mm, and ~9mm. I'm happy. Very, very happy.

Recap: around 7 follies over 10mm on the morning of stim day 6. At least 15 more above 8mm. Score!!! Waiting to hear back about what godawful heights my e2 has climbed to. The plan is to hold our doses at 75 follistim and 1 vial menopur, and start adding in the Ganirelix as soon as I get home this afternoon (moving it to the am tomorrow).

Estimated trigger? Friday or Saturday, which means estimated retrieval? Sunday or Monday.

HFS.

Also, I made a completely anal-retentive spreadsheet to keep things straight. Enjoy!

It could have been worse- I refrained from color-coding.

Feeling Antagonistic.

Or maybe it's just the protocol talking  :)

I came prepared. With a barrage of questions. He only laughed a little :)

My IVF consult went well yesterday. Quite, well, in fact! We talked for a while about our TTC history, and the RE was fully supportive of moving on to IVF at this point. No "ehhh, you may have success with an additional IUI or two" or "geeee, you haven't really earned the big guns yet." Just a simple "From my perspective, I would recommend moving on." His main reasoning is that with the number of cysts that my ovaries present with (yesterday had 25 on righty and 20 on lefty), they aren't comfortable taking a more aggressive stim approach for an IUI. Afraid to wake the "sleeping giant" or something like that. So no WONDER we haven't had very good stimming for our two IUI's- their hands were tied, lest we populate a baseball team all in one go. Move over Octo-mom, Multiples-Meier-Mama is coming to town!

Because of my super cysty ovaries, he also recommended we go with the Antagonist protocol, which involves stimming with both Menopur and Gonal F or Follistim, and a Lupron trigger. He thinks that I'll have a great response to the stims given my "loaded gun ovaries", and wants to try and avoid OHSS by using the lupron trigger instead of an HCG trigger. I'll get more details when I talk to the coordinator. Oh, and he did say that it's our choice whether to use PIO or Endometrin during the TWW, and that the research suggests that they're equally effective... but he just feels more comfortable with PIO.

So with all that, the decision was pretty much made. We've stressed over this long enough. The fact that we got to this point sucks, but I have to put the doubt over what could have been behind me and get to my happy place. My happy "I'm going to have a needle shoved through my vaginal wall to retrieve mah behbehs after my ovaries have been inflated to the size of softballs" place. Ummm... that's a happy place, right? Right? <crickets>

He didn't see anything that he thought would indicate a need for more testing in terms of preemptively diagnosing an implantation failure. The only supplements he recommended were OTC prenatals. Dr Boy does need to go in for a repeat SA, mainly so they can do a much more in depth look at morphology. Our clinic requires that sperm hit a certain threshold for morphology in order to try to fertilize naturally, otherwise, they require ICSI. Either way, that's not a problem. He had fine morphology before. (side note- any supplements or other things he can do to improve morphology? 'Cause it'd be nice not to have to spend that $1500. Just in case.) I need to have a saline sonogram to check out the condition of the cute ute. That's pretty much it though!

We then had a date with wandy to check out the cyst. And to see if I can skip my period this round and go strait to BCP! I have about 7.2mm worth of lining built up, but NO dominant follicles. And it's CD19, so really? We can put this one in the books as annovulatory. Even better though, no cyst either! That sucker went away all on its own.

Because of the lack of a dominant follicle and the fact that the cyst shrunk down to nothing, he cleared me to start the BCP right away, without waiting for a new CD1. Which works WONDERS towards the whole getting on the calendar for a December cycle goal.

Long story short- we're good to go. I'm waiting to hear from the clinic's IVF schedule coordinator, but I will most likely be starting BCP this week to get ready for a Dec cycle! AHHHH!!!! Which means that by New Year's, I'll either have a BFP, or a really friggin' good reason to drink :)