Second Time Around

I'm just going to skip over the last two years and let you know I had a pretty easy pregnancy after the pleurisy from OHSS went away, and went on to have a very healthy baby boy who is wonderful. He's 15 months old now, and truly, truly is wonderful. We managed to breastfeed for a year, weaning to start the process of trying to make a little brother or sister. My period never came back, thanks PCOS, so off to the RE we went again. Six frosties remained from the retrieval that gave us the mini Meier.

I mostly want to get all this down so I can remember the details of our cycles. TTC again is such a mind fuck. It's slightly easier the second time around, but really, all the same emotions and fears and insecurities are still there. And just as strong. Anyone that says "Well, but at least you have the mini!" doesn't know how that almost makes it worse. We know how amazing this little person is, and how much love and light he brings into our life. We KNOW what we're missing now and what the hole in our lives looks like. It doesn't make us any less grateful and amazed and thankful for him, but damn, I want another. For us, for him. Sigh.

Here's what our calendar looked like this time around.

FET #3 Calendar

I also added in supplements up the wazoo this round to maximize my body's receptiveness.

Morning:   Synthroid
                  Estrace up the vag
Afternoon: Metformin 500mg
                  Vitamin D 1000 iu
                  Calcium/Magnesium/Zinc
                  Folic acid 400mg
                  Estrace up the hatch
Evening:   Metformin 500mg
                  Fish Oil
                  Prenatal Vitamin
                  Aspirin 81mg
                  Estrace up the hatch
                  Progesterone in Oil
                  2x weekly Estradiol Valerate injections

We transferred two hatching embryos on Thursday the 24th as planned, and did the pre- and post-transfer acupuncture. Very relaxing. Very positive. Felt wonderfully positive sharp cramping that night and the next day. These were day 6 embryos, so it netted me a first beta at 7dp6dt, though honestly I have this whole time considered them as if they were day 5 embies. Why give them an extra day of gestational credit when it took them an extra day to hit where they should have been at d5? So from here on out we'll pretend it was a 5dt.

Two hatching 2AA embies, one hatching more than the other

I also wore fancy phoenix socks. Embryos rising from the cryofreeze, no?

Consumed (4dp5dt)

It's all I can think about.

This whole cycle, I have been incredibly one-minded, with IVF Redux consuming practically every waking thought and action. I have managed to get by at work, but have spent a great deal of time thinking and analyzing and twittering and obsessing over this cycle. It's supposed to be the one that works. The one that went well. The one that had so many of the good things happen during. The one with the embryo with practically outstretched arms reaching towards my lining. I've set pretty darned high standards in my mind, and now I'm terrified.

Let's recap how it all looked, m'kay?

Finito!

- We had appropriately rising estrogen levels
- We didn't flip-flop on medication doses
- We had plenty of 17mm+ follies at trigger
- Our e2 only coasted for one day and didn't have a landslide at the end
- We fertilized 17 out of the 18 mature eggs, out of the 21 retrieved
- On transfer day, a blast was clawing its way out of its shell with another close behind
- On transfer day, only one of the 17 embryos had stopped growing
- I'm bribing the embies with sprinkle cupcakes, snickerdoodles, and a brownie

 
All of these are great things. And I'm not going to lie- I think it worked. I woke up to lots of broad uterine crampies 1dp5dt, and they lasted most of the day. I've had them on and off since. The rest of the "symptoms" I can blame on the progesterone and estrace tabs- sore boobs, heartburn, slight nausea when I eat too quickly. Other symptoms I can blame on going back to work- tiredness. And the dream I had Saturday night that I woke up to use the restroom at 3am at 3dp5dt and got a vivid BFP is par for the course- I have one of those dreams pretty much every transfer cycle. Still though, I just *feel* like it did.

Which means I'm setting myself up for a collossal fall of this pedestal if I'm wrong. I'm hoping and wishing and visualizing that I'm not, but still. I absolutely could be. I am overcome with the urge to test, because it could very well be positive at 9dpo. But it could also very well be a true negative, and it could very well be a false negative.

And so I'm also overcome with the fear of testing, as I don't know if I want to let go of this feeling yet. The feeling that it worked. That *I* worked. That I can, and am supposed to feel a child grow inside me.

Five days until the beta. *Maybe* two more mornings I'll be able to stop myself from peeing.

I don't want to feel like an idiot for thinking I'm pregnant, but I don't want to stop feeling it either. Sigh.

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And on a lighter (ok maybe not *really* lighter) note, rest in peace Lonesome George, the last of your kind. Many of us in this community know what it feels like to be unsuccessful at reproductive attempts, so we feel for you and your lost genetic line. I'm glad I got to meet (ok take a photo of with a really zoomed in lens) you before you left us.

We'll miss you, the last Pinta Galapagos Giant Tortoise

Top Ten...

...things that have happened since you last heard from me. In no particular order.

1. We got our calendar for our FET. Or rather, I got my period on Christmas Eve, called the clinic, and started birth control on Christmas Day for our FET. THEN we got our calendar. It looks a little something like this:

And by a little something I mean exactly. Click to enlarge.

Basically, we're transferring on February 6th. Which puts our 1st beta on Valentine's Day. I think I shall protest. (In fact, this calendar is looking like it's going to change. More on that tomorrow.)

2. Post-IVF periods are quite possibly the worst periods OF YOUR LIFE. Let's just say the PIO did it's job, because it was NOT PRETTY. So much cramping. Didn't help that we drove for 6 hours the day it started, but seriously? Worst period cramps of my life. They were about the same level as my cramping from the retrieval, about 1 or 2 days post-op. It's a miracle though, that I didn't set myself on fire with my grandma's borrowed heating pad. I wish I got a picture of this thing- I think it was seriously from the 60s. We threw it away when it started to smell like burning.

3. I set goals for getting healthy (again) this year. Mainly, shape the eff up before our FET. I'm dropping the sugar like a rock again this month. Yay. Dr Boy and I signed up for another 5K, which we'll run the day before the FET. Take THAT, bedrest-bloat. We bought headlamps and warmer running clothes so we have no "wah wah i'm too cold it's too dark" excuses with running.

Our sleepy passenger- complete with doggie seatbelt. Safety first!

4. I spent 10 days in Los Angeles with the fam. Loved every minute. It was definitely the time away I needed to finish healing after our December failure. I still feel the grief from the BFN, but I am in a MUCH better headspace to move forward with our next step. Though I can't stop crying whenever I hear "Shake it Out" by Florence + the Machine. Try listening without crying. I dare you.

Carey and I... isn't she lovely? (i'm left, she's right)

5. I met Carey, the ModVegan, for dinner. She's pretty incredible. Despite having a tragic ending to her triplet pregnancy with three handsome boys, she is an amazing source of strength and positivity out there on the twitters. I can't imagine going through what she has and still being such a cheerleader for us in the trenches- she's truly a beautiful person and I'm so glad to have met her... and even told her my name :)

6. I had a delayed reaction to the PIO shots. My last one was on December 19th. On Christmas Eve, I started to get this really bad itching on my hips, where if you wore a string bikini bottom they'd tie, you know? I took a peek and there were these lovely red welts on both sides. WEIRD. There's nothing that I was recently exposed to that could have caused it. It's not exactly where the shots went though, more like if you went about 3-5 inches from the injection sites outward. Today they look like deep bruises. I talked to the IVF nurses, and they're going to switch me to a PIO that's synthetic for the FET, just in case it was a reaction to the sunflower oil. For now? I just want to stop scratching my ass.

7. My pregnant cousin was absent from Christmas this year. Big sigh of relief. Though I think I would have been ok- there were Christmas margaritas.

8. I still have not lost any of the IVF weight. At. All. Damn you Christmas, and your delicious temptations.

NYE sparkles

9. I went to a New Year's Eve party. At a house. With a stripper pole.

Say what?

No seriously, in the upstairs bonus room.

It was supposed to be a classy blind wine tasting party!

No, I did not dance. See #8.

My lovely hair, post-treatment. Still looks like that, even after washing!

10. I got my hair chemically straightened! I did the Yuko treatment, a more permanent Japanese cousin to the Brazilian blowout. This is my fourth time over about 5 years doing it, and I LOVE IT. The only sucky part is the whole not washing your hair for three days while it settles part. I was fairly grease-tastic by day 3. Today though? Amazeballs. Two minutes of flouncy blow drying in the am to get the drying started, then out the door. Life. Changing. I know that sounds dramatic, but when you fail an IVF cycle? Shiz like this suddenly becomes life changing. I HIGHLY recommend it. Love.


So that's me in a nutshell for the last almost two weeks. I'm slowly sorting through all the posts I missed while I was all post-IVF depressed and woe-is-me, and then on vacation.

Here's to a new year, with new hope, and all that good stuff :)

Gratuitous sleepy puppy photo. Because she's cute.