My Ovaries Suck. (Stim Day 4)

I know we've established this fact on many, many occasions, but I still need to put this out there- my oves suck big fatties. It's just today, when they were supposed to put on a good show for me and Dance! Dance my pretties, dance! they didn't.

We had our first ultrasound today for the Redux, and didn't see much. Lots of littles, with the biggest around 7mm max. Honestly, Dr S didn't even measure them and continued calling them "antral" follies. But fine, it's only stim day 4, I can handle that. We didn't even have an ultrasound until day 6 last time, so I didn't have anything to compare to.

Then my e2 results came back- a big, fat, whopping 62. Last time on stim day 4? We were 892.

Now before you get your panties all in a bunch and tell me that every cycle is different, I KNOW that. I know not to expect the same results, because clearly we don't WANT the same results. Last cycle didn't exactly work out the way we had hoped, so different is good.

It just seems (to me at least) that this is a bit *too* different to be good.

Dr S believes that the near-six months of birth control and FET's suppressed me more than we thought, and it's taking a little longer to get going. He doesn't believe that this will do anything other than delay retrieval by a day or two. Suck-tastic!

We were conservative with ordering meds since we cut doses so quickly last time, so now I need to order a ton more. We're going slowly so we don't end up with too much, but still. I had some incredibly generous donations from Lauren at Not Just An Army Wife and Jamie aka The Womb Warrior, which cut our medication bill WAY down. Thank goodness, because that part is going to get much more expensive than we had bargained for. And I'm cheap so this makes me angry.

Sigh. We're holding doses and re-checking on Saturday (rather than upping the dose and yo-yo-ing around with super high e2's that will probably come anyways).

Click Me! Click Me!

For you IVF vets out there- what were your e2 results on day 4 of stims? And how many days did you end up stimming for?

Troubles Fly Away

Be as a bird perched on a frail branch that she feels bending beneath her, still she sings away, all the same, knowing she has wings.
-Victor Hugo

I received a beautiful little necklace from my bestest friend N for Christmas. It arrived on this card:

With the above quote on the back of the card. It was meant to help lift me up after our IVF fail, an incredibly thoughtful gesture. I was cleaning out our bedroom last night (preparing for my family's visit this weekend yay), and found the necklace that I had *meant* to put with my jewelry. Of course, it made me cry. Because it's just as appropriate, if not more so, right around now.

Since Sunday, I've hardly been able to keep the tears at bay for longer than two or three hours. I was making dinner last night, and as soon as Dr Boy walked in the door home from work, I lost it. Full on shirt-drenching sobs while my hands were covered in shredded chicken**.
I think I was set off by the fact that he won't let me get a consolation puppy for my birthday.

No, but seriously, I've felt like I'm doing this precarious balance of trying to hold it together, and it's just not working very well. When I pulled this necklace out of the pile last night, I knew I'd wear it today.

And you know what? I haven't cried yet.

---------------------------------------------------------
** In an attempt to be frugal I bought a cheap whole chicken on clearance, roasted it, and shredded the meat. THIS IS SO EFFING GROSS. My newly meat-eating sensibilities were seriously harmed by pulling out the giblets, and I almost vommed when I reached the spine. Nastysauce.

I did, however, manage to find the wishbone. Dr Boy and I pulled, and he won. But right now? I'm not upset it's not my wish heading on up- I'm fairly certain we're on the same page.

I held onto the weak-link right side. Sigh.

A case of the crazies

Everyone, please take out your Craze-ometers, and let me know if this email says:

A) "I'm fully invested in my own health plan and appreciate being able to play an active role in my care"

OR

B) "I'm a batshit crazy micromanager. And pushy. And watch out dominant follie, I will be making all the decisions for the next 18 years!!!"

I wrote (and sent) this to the nurse practitioner who's managing our care this cycle.

Subject: Some clarification on this cycle (today is CD3) 

Hi Nurse Practitioner Lady- 

I finished my 10th day of provera on Saturday, and CD1 showed up Monday afternoon. I filled the rx for the chlomid, and I plan on taking 2 pills per day starting tomorrow (CD4).

You and I had talked about a couple of things that I wanted to revisit doing during this cycle. The first was any blood tests or ultrasounds at certain points. Having PCOS makes me very nervous about whether my ovaries are responding to the chlomid, if its thinning my uterine lining, whether I ovulated w/out a trigger, how my hormone levels are post-ovulation. What are your thoughts on this?

Also, Dr Boy is going to drop off his repeat semen-analysis sample today, so we can see how the viscosity issue is. Because it at least showed up once as a problem, he and I are interested in doing an insemination this cycle no matter the results of the analysis. Would this be a viable option for us? We would really like to stack the deck in our favor as much as possible.

Thank you so much!

I guess she didn't think I was too annoyingly bonkers because she responded within a few hours, and I think I may have gotten my way she agreed with our plan of attack this cycle.

Hi JM: 

We would be happy for you to be seen for an ultrasound with ovulation. Call our office on the day of your LH surge for an appt (limited hours on wkends so call early). With the ultrasound we will be able to see your response to the Clomid and we could also check your lining. I'd also be happy to order a progesterone level for you to confirm that ovulation took place. Go to the lab 8 to 10 days after your surge for the blood test. 

Sorry I missed Dr Boy going to the lab (I see the specimen is being processed) because the State of California requires male infectious disease testing prior to doing IUIs. The tests he needs are: HIV, Hep C antibody, Hep B surface antigen, Syphilis and Human T Lymphocyte Virus (HTLV I/II). I've ordered the tests for him to complete. The HTLV takes the longest to return because it's sent out to Quest, so the sooner he gets the blood tests done, the better. You can bring in the signed IUI consents when you are here for the ultrasound. 

Let me know if you have any other additional questions or concerns. It is great to hear from you! See you soon.

Did she? Or is she just pandering to the crazazy? Because sometimes I feel crazazy. Pretty sure they swapped the provera pills for those that eff with you sense of normalcy. Oh well. I get an ultrasound with a +OPK, and I get the blood test after to see if the rockin' follies we are GOING to see did their job. And I (most likely) get to have Dr Boy's woohoo jammed up my lady business. God, this whole making a baby thing is romantic. Dr Boy just luuuuurved getting to give another sample, then go back to the lab at the end of the day to get blood drawn.*****

Tomorrow is CD4, and I'll start the chlomid. Last time I took it, I didn't experience a case of the crazies, or I was at least too entrenched in my own crazy to know that it was happening. Either way, can't wait for the next five days!!!

One more episode of the "JM belongs in an institution" series: I purchased 100 OPKs on Amazon last night.

1. The nurse practitioner said to use the smiley face CBE tests. I've never used them before and don't like the black and white nature of the result. I like to know when I'm getting close. Sooooooo
2. I bought a 40-pack of the cheapies with the two lines. Much more subjective, but it's all about the devil you know, right? I plan on using them both together and comparing. Plus the cheapies cost 1/3 the price of the others so it wasn't exactly a tough choice.

3. I was $4.50 away from the amazon free shipping. Eff. That. So I bought a second 40-pack. If this cycle doesn't work, and the cycle after that doesn't work, I will be SET. And if I DO have a baby in my belly at the end of this TWW, I'll have a sweet giveaway.

*****He did come home proclaiming "I'm holy! I'm holy!" Only he meant holey. As in from the blood draw. He's cute :)

Wordless Wednesday

No surprise here.

Disclaimer: Taken 15DPO. It cost 99.9 cents. For realz.