Scattergories

Because I can't do much better than a scattered list of categories today.

LAUNDRY
- It should not be necessary to TELL someone watching your kid to refrain from putting said kid in the washing machine. Even if he/she has a blowout poop.
- I saw a segment on the news last night about how lots of children are snacking on those new laundry pods coming out, and how it's "easy to forget laundry detergent should be child-proofed". Seriously? Show me someone that easily forgets that. Seriously. (wait, don't. i don't want to meet the person that forgot that AND managed to get knocked up. i don't.)

IVF REDUX 
- Her Royal Fab talked about her second round of IVF in terms of a redux- a second, more positive and kick-ass version of the first time around. I shall do the same.
- I'm trying to get to the happy place in my mind where a second round of IVF, and a fourth transfer, has a fantastic chance at working. Luck of the draw, schmuck of the draw- tell me why it's going to work this time?
- Here's the pretty colored calendar I mentioned last time. My boat is still floated by it.

- You will notice that I have ten days until stims start again. Oy vey.

OUR DIRT
- When we left for vacation, our dirt looked like this:

Much more dirt-like

- When we got back from vacation, our dirt looked like this:

Less dirt-like, more house like

- Holy crap, we might actually be moving in August. For real.

 VACATION
- Heeyouge bonus points to those of you that recognized the Galapagos in our vacation pics... or did I mention it somewhere? Either way, bonus points.
- I want to be back there now. NOW.
- More pictures!

The ship we sailed on

Another species of boobie (without blue feet)

I feel like this today

He was a nice snorkeling buddy (same day as the penguins)

Back...

...from an absolutely amazing, breathtaking, and healing vacation.

The highlights?

Equatorial Dorkiness

Giant Tortoises
(excuse me... there's something on your nose...)

Boobies!

Barrel-Rolling Sea Lions!

PENGUINS!!!

Prettyness!
(Dr Boy made me smudge his face parts)

The low-lights?
- Coming home
- Being home
- WTF appointments
- Intestinal parasites

Oh yeah. When they say not to even brush your teeth with the water? They mean it.

Seriously though, this vacation definitely ties French Polynesia for first place. It was ridiculously amazing.


Otherwise, I'm not in a super great place right now, having had our WTF appointment and gotten the calendar for IVF Numero Dos. Long story short, we're approaching it the same way- antagonist protocol, similar stimming (starting on June 3rd). I'm having a hard time working out in my head how it's all of a sudden going to work. You know, the whole doing the same thing but expecting different results conundrum? I'm trying though. It very well could have just been bad luck. More on the calendar and stuff later.

Enjoy the pics... I may be dropping a few in here and there for the foreseeable future... I can't stop going through them!

Don't Listen to a Word I Say.... Hey!

Infertility is a bitch. 

Having an amazing community full of people like all of 'yall helps tame that bitch back a little bit with each comment, tweet, and email full of love and empathy. I can't tell you how much all of the above have meant to me (and Dr Boy) this week. It's made the big terrible awful more bearable. 

I know that it could be worse- but for us? Right now? This is the worse. I don't WANT to know worse than this, because it's pretty damn shitty as it is. 

But we will go on. We're on vacation right now- I may or may not have been at 13 kft today... straddled the equator... and tasted my first ceviche. Pretty damn amazing way to put all of this out of your mind, huh?

Our WTF appointment is Monday the 14th, the day after we get back. We'll make our final decision on when and what to do next, though it'll be for sure a fresh cycle of IVF since we have NO embies left. The big question is June or July, but it's looking likely to be June. Because it feels good to keep moving, you know?

After our failed IVF in December, that Florence + the Machine song Shake It Out was big. Every time I heard it, I wept buckets. Uncontrollable. Pretty much as hard as I cried when I thought Mulder died in the train car buried in the New Mexico desert at the end of Season 3 of the X Files. 

At the end of FET #1 (which I just called FET at the time- you know, wishful thinking?), I heard Little Talks by Of Monsters and Men while driving home from work after receiving the results. It seemed especially fitting for the chemical pregnancy, and I would lose my shit whenever I heard it. And it would appear that I still do. This one is the soundtrack to our failed frozen cycles. 

I'll leave you with the lyrics. So much meaning to me in all of them, every verse. It's no wonder it turns me into an emotional wreck. 

I don't like walking around this old and empty house.So hold my hand, I'll walk with you my dear


The stairs creak as I sleep, it's keeping me awakeIt's the house telling you to close your eyes
Some days I can't even dress myself.It's killing me to see you this way.


'Cause though the truth may varythis ship will carry our bodies safe to shore.
Hey! Hey! Hey!


There's an old voice in my head that's holding me backWell tell her that I miss our little talks.
Soon it will all be over, buried with our past

We used to play outside when we were youngand full of life and full of love.
Some days I feel like I'm wrong when I am right.Your mind is playing tricks on you my dear.


'Cause though the truth may varyThis ship will carry our bodies safe to shore


Hey!Don't listen to a word I sayHey!The screams all sound the same.Hey!
Though the truth may varythis ship will carry our bodies safe to shore


You're gone, gone, gone away, I watched you disappear.All that's left is a ghost of you.

Now we're torn, torn, torn apart, there's nothing we can do,

Just let me go, we'll meet again soon.
Now wait, wait, wait for me, please hang aroundI'll see you when I fall asleep.


Hey!Don't listen to a word I sayHey!The screams all sound the same.Hey!


Though the truth may varythis ship will carry our bodies safe to shore


Thanks, LyricsMania

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Now we're off... no more interwebz for over a week! See ya'll when I return!

Ah burnt mah boobsicle

Yup, it was the first warm-ish and gorgeous day out here in sunny CA in a couple weeks, and my dumb butt goes and burns her decolletage while enjoying a lunch outdoors. Genius. Rockstar. Awesomesauce.

Hello, to all you ICLWers out there! Welcome to my world of failed IUIs, a failed fresh IVF cycle, and a chemical pregnancy from our first FET. You've caught me on the precipice of starting meds for our second FET, which will luckily be taking place with barely just enough time to get betas back before traveling out of the country. I look forward to reading many of your stories and meeting new friends out there to cheer on! For more on our story, check out the "Behind the Madness" and "Making a mini-Meier" tabs... you'll get all the sordid details.

When last you heard from me, I was in a pretty awesome depressive spiral about our chemical pregnancy, the one that felt like it would NEVER END. We had our SEVENTH beta this past Monday, and incredibly luckily, are finally off that train. Beta's officially back below 5, and I immediately took my first BCP for FET round 2. After a lot of support from Dr Boy, my family, good friends, and wine with The Womb Warrior, I was ready for whatever outcome the blood test gave us, but am thrilled at what did.

Our next protocol will be pretty tight, as I mentioned. Twelve BCPs, a couple of weeks of estrace suppositories, a few estradiol valerate shots here and there, and an official transfer date of April 23rd. A mere four weeks and four days away. (note the lack of lupron in our plan... SO HAPPY) Our first beta will be on April 30th, and the second on May 2nd. We're wheels up for lands afar at 9:30am on May 3rd. Hope the embies like to travel! I'll post our nicely color coded calendar tomorrow :)

Chemical WTF Appt (& gross picture)

Our appointment went well today. I do have to give my RE credit- he makes our WTF appointments very calming and relaxed***. He answers my questions fully, and takes my crazy seriously. Without overtly telling me I'm a freak. (always a bonus) He started out telling me that, obviously, they're all very sorry it ended up this way, but that he's glad we discontinued medication last week as he suggested. Talked about how in the vast majority of cases, chemical pregnancies are an embryo problem, not something stemming from the uterine environment. There is some weak evidence that these embryo problems occur more frequently in PCOS patients, but that whether it is or isn't, there's no reason we shouldn't keep going the way we are. I know he brought up more than that, but I just can't remember what exactly.

We talked about our next cycle- the one we will get to do in APRIL. Heck yeah. Next time the nurse freaks me out about waiting forever and a half to get back on the horse, please remind me that TWICE they've said that and TWICE the RE said we could pick right back up. Please. Remind me.

It felt like this is trying to claw its way out of my uterus.
Also, it's what I feel like I turn into while on Lupron. X-Files FTW!
AND! The reason I have a porta potty fear and can't step on shower drains.

Basically, we're going to test my HCG on Monday, and if we're back to not-pregnant status start BCP. Judging by what's turned into quite the vigorously painful AF from hell, he fully expects us to be back under 5 by then. I'll be on BCP for 2-3 weeks, then start estrace fun when CD1 arrives. We will NOT BE DOING LUPRON (what what!) this time around. He's pretty darned sure the estrogen and my shitty ovaries will keep me sufficiently suppressed, but in the event that a follie forms, we'll cancel and try again next cycle.


This is an acceptable risk for us. With the level of batshit crazy I developed while cycling on lupron, it is far more worth delaying ourselves a month than risking it again. I have no desire to go back on antidepressants, and I know that is exactly where I would have ended up had I needed that injection of liquid depression. He said it's a very small risk given my history, and we will gladly take it. Plus, he said the lack of suppression may actually help my lining develop a little better this time around. Win win for everyone!

I asked about repeating the HSG or saline sonogram just to make sure the ute is all cleared out from this month's debacle, and he was completely on board. We'll schedule that on Monday.

I also asked about IV intralipid therapy- and he's actually not really super keen on it. In fact, he split up with a previous practice he was working at in the early 90's because of a disagreement over its use. In his opinion, the benefits are not strongly enough proven that they overcome the risks involved. He did seem very knowledgeable about the procedure and all, just doesn't advocate it as a tool to increase chances of obtaining a healthy pregnancy. At least we'll save money there!

He also fully supported my trips to the acupuncturist through the entire cycle (including the pre and post transfer visits) which makes me happy. If nothing else, he appreciates it for its calming qualities.

We'll deal with an exact calendar when my SIXTH beta comes back on Monday, but we are good to go for some time in the end of April. Two day 6 embies, provided they survive the thaw. If not, we'll use one of the day 7s (right now we have 3 day 6's and 3 day 7's).

Before we leave for our vacation, we'll know.

This makes me very. very. very. happy.

----------------------------------------------
*** He may have also been placating me so I keep bringing them "I'm not mad at you for failing to get me pregnant" treats. I brought homemade english toffee for our Dec cycle, and these chocolate covered pretzels this time around.

Trader Joes Honey Wheat + Chocolate = Awesome

What you missed...

...while I was off in crazy land.

- At our appointment on the 6th (I was dumb and wore tights- who wears tights to the RE? oy vey.), we checked my lining as I had been on the estrace and 2x weekly estrogen shots for about 10 days or so. It was only around 7.2-7.9 mm, which my RE considered only "adequate". To resolve this issue, we switched taking our estrace tabs orally to taking them as SUPPOSITORIES. I've been shoving these little gems up in lady-land for two weeks now. Lovely. It looks like I had relations with a smurf.

PDLAMBLATI-esque (had to put my bare feet on the stirrups. Eww.)

Up the lady bits. Three times each day. It's actually a lovely teal-blue color.

- About two days later, my ankles decided to take a vacation. Holy hell the swelling was bad! They did the whole poke-a-finger-and-the-depression-stays-there thing. I guess that's what I have to look forward to if this thing actually works, and I manage to stay pregnant well into the swollen phase.

So. Gross.

- I ran a 5K with Dr Boy. Considering it had been an entire 5 weeks since I had stepped foot near my running shoes (or off the couch for that matter), and I was in the throes of the lupron depression, I can put that event in the win column. It's a miracle I even made it out of the house that day. I ran shorter intervals than I did back in Nov, but my overall time was only less than 2 minutes slower- not bad. I did, however, want to die the next week, and my legs threatened to give out on my going down the stairs at work, but whatever. I did it.

I think I need to stop swinging my knees out when I run.

- I went on a ski trip with Dr Boy and some friends from grad school. This was the famed trip that was the reason for postponing the transfer from Feb 6 to Feb 15th. So. Glad. It was so much of what we needed before transfer. I haven't seen most of these people in a good 18 months or so, and catching up was fantastic. I got in two amazing days of skiing at Breckenridge, and Dr Boy did a third at Vail. And we went snow tubing. And had a generally merry time. I love skiing (though it's a miracle I didn't break myself), and am so glad we did this pre-transfer- the trip would NOT have been the same otherwise.

Heading up the tubing hill

These are some MAD ski skillz, I tell you.

- On the aforementioned ski trip, my IF bracelet fell off. SAD FACE. I was planning on taking it off when we got our BFP. Instead, it got caught in my watch and ripped off. It was pretty ratty, so not too much of a surprise. I had put it on back in August, I think, when I went to an infertility faux-baby shower at a local IF group. It was my first time meeting other IF-ers in real life, and was amazing. I hope the bracelet falling off is a karmic sign...

I was irrationally upset when this happened.

Otherwise, life has been boring. Or rather, I was too depressed to make life anything other than boring. Feel caught up?

Ready or not...

...here they come! We've gotten past all the hurdles of medications, lining, and hormone levels, and have gotten the green light for our FET tomorrow. At 11:30am PST, we will be transferring two blasts that were frozen on day 6, provided they make the thaw. Our clinic's plan is to thaw one at a time (the six best frosties were frozen in singles) until we end up with two that look picture perfect. I've never heard of anyone transferring day 6 embies, but they hit blast and that seems to be the important part.

Today's PDLAMBLATI- From Lauren

 
I think I'm finally excited. At least, I'm able to see an outcome that doesn't involve the certainty of failure. It's taken me up until this very last weekend to get here, and I plan on riding the "it might actually work" wave for as long as I can... or at least Wednesday the 22nd when my first beta is drawn. Since it's a D6 transfer, I'll be at 7dp6dt, or 13dpo, which should certainly be soon enough.

The problem with this is that I thought we were still counting these embies as D5's, which would mean a first beta on Thurs the 23rd. I already took that day off to deal with whatever news befalls us, so I can stave off a massive sobfest in the bathroom at my office. I'm not really sure what I'm going to do about that now, other than try and avoid the phone call from the clinic until I leave that afternoon. There's still the POAS question, and I have no idea what I'm going to do on that front yet either.

A few things have majorly helped me get to this point, a point where success is a path that seems a possibility again. Because I'm so fond of lists...

1. Seeing a therapist- Finally got an appt, last Friday. Love her, hate that my insurance doesn't facilitate weekly or bi-weekly meetings. I'll have to do that separately, and plan on working on a plan for that soon. I definitely needs to keep going.
2. Fertility acupuncture- With how passive an FET is, I needed to feel like I was doing *more* to help out with the outcome of this attempt. If nothing else, I have a great new source of relaxation!
3. Going to CO- Dr Boy and a bunch of my grad school friends went skiing this weekend in Breckenridge. It was *exactly* the trip I needed. Great friends, the kind that remind you that even if it's been a year and a half since you've seen each other, you're just as loved and missed. I did NOT get enough time with them, but it was still a fab weekend. And I didn't break myself skiing which is a plus. Though I did look like an overstuffed sausage in my ski jacked circa 1999, and about 40 pounds ago. Oy vey.
4. An email from my bestie, saying that even though I've been an isolationist douche bucket (my words not hers), she still loves me and will be there when the lupron wears off. She's kindof the best friend a girl could have :) I hope she doesn't read this before I drop off her Valentine's gift tonight...
5. The twitters and the bloggies- Ya'll stick by me even when I'm a isolationist douche bucket, too. And I can't thank you enough.

The only thing left to deal with is the fallout of my 6 weeks of monster depression. Which is mainly my isolationist douchebucket status. I need to start actually leaving the house again. For something other than work. And repair the friendships I've left to languish during the last month. One of the pieces of homework the therapist gave me was to reach out to at least one friend each day. Email, phone, text, anything that's getting me out into the world of human interaction again.

I shall start that by picking up cupcakes on my way home...

I also vow to be better here- I mean it. Ya'll are awesome. And I hope you know that.

Revised.

Well that last calendar sure lasted long :)

I've been a bit anxious about our proposed FET date and beta. Our plan had our transfer on Monday Feb 6th, then flying off to Denver to hang out with friends and ski five days later. We'd come back Monday the 13th, then have our beta on V Day. I had reconciled the fact that I wouldn't be skiing while there, and refraining from imbibing with friends. No biggie. We were, however, nervous what effect the travel and inevitable activity and excitement of the weekend would have on implantation. We know it would have occurred before Friday, but if this cycle ended up a bust, we would for SURE blame it on the weekend. Two things would happen. Well, three really.

1. I would be pissed off at the FET for ruining what could have been a fantastic weekend of skiing and drinking with friends. (which, I might add, I'd gladly give up for a baby, but we're moving on the assumption that this doesn't result in a cute pooping blop of smooshable baby)

2. I would be pissed off at the weekend of travel and hanging out with friends for ruining our implantation and blame it for our BFN.

3. I would cry a lot. (inevitable, yes)


None of these things would be good, so we changed our FET date. Our new transfer date is Wednesday Feb 15th, *after* we return from our trip. I am so relieved that we did this. I know we won't have anything to pin a failed transfer on, so nothing gets ruined. Plus, there are no major holidays or important dates for the BFN parade to rain on (yes, I'm now superstitious about that).

Our new calendar looks like this:

The color coding makes me insanely happy. Insanely. Click to enlarge.

I'm still anxious about pushing it back, strictly on the premise that we wanted to get to our next transfer as soon as humanly possibly. I'm willing to deal with that anxiety, though, knowing how much the good of a delayed transfer outweighs the good of an earlier one.

Plus, I didn't love my old calendar enough to color code it, so that must be saying something.


There you have it. Our plan. Revised. Let me know if you're cycling in Jan/Feb- I'd love to follow along!

NaBloPoMo

Did I mention I was participating?

'Cause I am. Which is crazy. I've never written TEN posts in a month, let alone THIRTY.

Which is clear right now because I have no idea what to say.

So instead, I will leave you with a couple of photos from the vacation Dr Boy and I went on in October. We spent time in Boston, Vermont, and Albany... Good times to be had everywhere we went!!!

Charles River

Mike's Pastry- I may have eaten there three times in five days. Maybe.

Yep, totally went on the dorky Duck tour. Fun times!

Hiking up Mt Tom in Woodstock, VT

Gorgeous Fall Color!

The happy Meier's

Mmmm... Beer tasting...

Anxiety.

Ya'll, I am terrified right now.

I have an IVF consult meeting in 90 minutes. I made that appointment two weeks ago, when I went in for my WFT appt for the failed IUI #2. I figured I'd at least make the appointment, so that Dr Boy and I could discuss the matter while we were on vacation the following ten days.

We went on vacation. We had a BLAST. (side note: i heart boston. and maple syrup. and db's grandma.) We bam-chicka-bammed. And it was FUN. All of it, not just the pervy stuff, you pervs!

Dr K found a 22mm cyst on my right ovary during the WTF. That was the one that measured either 14 or 15mm the day we triggered, not the 18.5mm on the left that we thought would be the mature baby-maker. I kept thinking, "Awwww, it's mommy's first cyst!" Dr K said to go about our business and let the cyst shrink on its own. I felt some pain for the next few days in that region, but it's mostly gone away, as hopefully the cyst has. He even said to OPK CD12-20 just in case I had that miraculous rebound that sometimes happens.

No miracles here, but that's not the point.

The point is, I have my IVF consult in 90 minutes, and I'm terrified.

I know with all my heart now that it's what we need to do next. We need this. Both of us. To know that we're trying everything we possibly can. To get on with being normal again. To become parents.

Right now though, sitting here on my first day back to work after vacation, I'm flipping my shit. What if the cyst didn't go away? What if it doesn't shrink with BCP? Can we get an IVF cycle in with a retrieval before Christmas? Why does Christmas matter I'm jewish! Why will stims work this time when they've been so sheisty before? Will they judge us for making this decision after only two IUI's and three clomid cycles?

And the biggest one of them all: Will this get us our take-home baby?

Wish me luck. I've never felt this full of anxiety. And I think I'm going to vomit from it.

Hello? Anybody in there?

What a crappy week to go MIA blog-style, huh?

Dr Boy and I went on vacation with my family, and the internet was quite a bit spottier than we had initially thought. Have you ever been to Yosemite Nat'l Park? Pretty freakin' beautiful. I used to go there with my parents a lot as a child, but this was the first time we had been back as a whole family in YEARS. Add on the fact that we've had the heaviest snowpack in 30 years, and that we were there during the peak snowmelt week of the spring, things were FLOWING! Absolutely gorgeous.

 Hannah had herself a pretty good time, too.

But now you're all like "Seriously though, how 'bout that Drs appt you had last week? I mean, Yosemite is pretty and all, but I hear relaxing DOESN'T get you pregnant. Drs do."

The appt with the RE went pretty well. I like her, but I think I my personality might be a bit too high-energy for us to click super-well (Read: she's calm and relaxing, I'm cra-zazy). I got re-wanded and was hit with a couple blows-
1. Ovaries are still VERY polycystic. Doesn't look like the 1500mg metformin have kicked those little suckers into submission at all.

2. Even though I was 2 weeks past ovulation, the ovaries didn't show any sign of having actually released an egg. So why the eff did the pee stick tell me I did? She didn't have an answer for that one.

We also went over the results of Dr Boys SA. Everything looked fabulous on that front except for the viscocity. Which I had never really heard of with respect to a SA before. Turns out his goo is a little gooier than they prefer, meaning the boys have to work a whole lot harder to get anywhere than they should. Think about swimming through honey instead of water. Yeah, that's a whole lot harder. She did say that it's a fairly subjective part of the test though, and is having him re-do that one this week and see if it was just a fluke. (Because who doesn't want to fondle oneself at their workplace? Twice?) She also reassured me that peeing after we woo-hoo won't keep me from getting knocked up. (Yes, laugh at me now. Irrational fears are hilaaaaarious)

After going through my entire history, we talked about where we should go from here. She understood our relative sense of urgency. Not urgency so much as just wanting to get the show on the road finally. She gave us two options. Both options include starting provera to induce the period. It won't really make CD1 show up all that much earlier than it would otherwise based on my "usual" cycle length, but it should at least clear me out better. (Oh, and just took the last of 10 provera pills yesterday, so bring on the cramps, baby)
1. Do a round with 100mg chlomid, starting on CD3, 4, or 5. Use the pee sticks. Engage in bam-chicka-bam-bam. Maybe do an IUI depending on the results of SA take 2.

2. Do a round of chlomid with menapur to stim the ovaries a bit more. Other activities to commence as before.

Here are my concerns:
1. Neither option includes much monitoring mid-cycle. I am VERY interested to see exactly where the cycle is breaking down- I keep getting +OPKs, but the last wanding didn't show any signs of Oing. What's up with that? Why do my boobs hurt SO MUCH at the end of the cycle? Why does it take 50 days for my body to cycle? I'd really prefer to have regular wandings or at least blood tests to see what part of the process is blowing chunks.

2. Can we please do an IUI no matter what? Just for good measure? If there's even a question of poor viscocity, isn't it better safe than sorry?

3. There were some signs that my thyroid hasn't been regulated. She didn't know exactly how to regulate the meds properly, so referred me back to my primary care physician. I'm uncomfortable with this. Because fertility can be such a thyroid-based issue, shouldn't my fertility doc be managing the problem? I don't like that she's not capable of doing that herself.

We decided to go for just the chlomid cycle, and I plan on advocating HARD for an insemination once the results from take 2 come back. We did agree that this would be the only round of chlomid before moving onto more aggressive treatment, so I'm fine with this as a more "exploratory" cycle.


Because of the other bits I'm uncomfortable with though, Dr Boy and I decided that at the end of this cycle we'll be switching doctors. There is an ObGyn doc that works in the RE dept, who happens to come highly recommended by a few of Dr Boys colleagues. We've been in contact with him, and he agrees with the general plan of action for now, but would take care of the whole picture- investigating the ineffectiveness of the metfomin, thyroid issue, and fertility plan. He happens to be out of town for the rest of the month, so going with the RE for this cycle fits just fine.


In summary:
1. Chlomid this cycle.
2. Advocating for an IUI when the time comes.
3. Begging for wandings and/or blood tests throughout to see what the damn problem is. (I feel like a junkie. An infertility junkie)
4. Start with Dr Competence at the end of July when this cycle ends. Unless it works. ha.


Any suggestions from you guys? How much monitoring mid-cycle is too much? Too little? What points in your cycle do your docs generally take a peek at things to see how it's progressing? Am I clinically insane?


Thanks for all the kind comments on my last few posts- I look forward to getting to know you guys better and am so glad ICLW is here to bring us together!