TVT

Vom-a-long-a-ding-dong

• The TWW sucks. As usual, I'm over it, and I'm only, like, three days in really. Today I'm 3DPO but it kindof feels like a year. The nice thing is that there are a whole BUNCH of bloggie peeps (please don't unfriend me for using the word "peeps") that are sitting in this mess within a couple days of me, so that makes me feel better. We'll spread/share the crazy amongst ourselves.
• My boobs hurt. More in the nip-region than last time's all-over pain, but still? All over pain is there. 
• I had my third running group meeting last night, and it felt *gasp* good! Last week I was pretty pissed at myself because I could really feel how badly I had let my fitness slip during the summer. Last night, I could still feel it, but not quite as much. I could almost run around the 1/4 mile track without stopping, and I'm not all that sore this morning (whereas the day after my first run I could barely make it up the stairs to my office). I call that progress! They bribed us with a free hat if we show up to 7/10 of the first sessions. I respond to bribery well, and am 3/4, the first of which I missed only because I had to work.
• We also worked a little on core after running which I despise like the devil that it is. Devil, I tell you!!! I did planks, but skipped out on the crunches. I justified it by telling myself that I didn't want to crunch the embryo that's busy getting ready to shove itself in my ute. I feel no guilt.
• My baby brother's coming to town this weekend... woot! So excited to show him around our town. 
• Did I mention I was bored? TWW's are boring. 
• I have a POAS plan. I will FOR SURE be peeing a week from Sat, Oct 8th, which will be 12DPO. That was the day last round that AF showed up, and I don't want that to be how I find out. I *might* test at 11DPO, but only if I'm feeling the same super cramps that I did last time. Again, no surprises. 
• Which reminds me, I haven't been testing out the trigger. Ooops. It took seven days last time, so I'll pee tomorrow at 5DPO and see what I see. I love internet cheapies. 

And that is all the vomit I can compile for this week (other than the lemon basil that one of the cats vommed yesterday thankyouverymuch). I think Natalie or Oak should start up a little linky, yeah? So we can make sure not to miss all of everyone else's spew?

Does this shade of crazy look good on me?

Apparently it does. To recap the drama'z:

CD15: estadiol 84, all follies under 10mm, decide to *try* to keep going another few days
CD16/17: IVF/FET freakout
CD18: estradiol 226, yippee! U/S scheduled for CD20
CD19: estradiol 428, extra yippee!
CD20: Ultrasound showed an 18.5mm follie on lefty, and a 15mm and 14mm on righty. Uterine lining 9.4mm (up from 8.2 for IUI #1)

Score! It would appear that my body thrives on crazy, which is a good thing because I don't see that changing any time soon. We decided to trigger that night (which was Saturday), then do the IUI Monday morning. Rock the heck on! Even better was having Dr Boy at the ultrasound so he could see the excitingness that is a successful follicle-finding ultrasound. Bonus: He was able to reschedule his first hour of patients Monday morning so he could be there when the plunger was pushed :) Silly, but still meaningful to me. And him. Saturday night's trigger was super easy, again, the easiest shot of the 18 we had to administer this go-around.

It didn't end up going as smoothly as we had hoped Monday morning. We dropped off the goods, and came back an hour later for our 8:40am appt. OK, we actually showed up about 15 min before that in hopes that we could get the show on the road, and DB to his clinical duties asap. We let them know we were back, and proceeded to see everyone else in the waiting room enter, then exit the dr's offices. Dr Boy can get a wee bit high strung sometimes, especially when it comes close to him being late for something. Like work. Which cannot happen. By 8:55am, we asked the receptionist what the heck was going on, because if we didn't get called back in the next minute or two, DB was going to have to leave. She said we were "coming right up."

Didn't happen. DB left at 9am. There was much anxiety on his part, but I was doing my best to stay in my zen place for happy fertilizing. I was called back at 9:10, and when questioned about the timeliness (or lack thereof) of the appt, the NP performing the IUI proclaimed that she wasn't running late! Yeah, 30 minutes past an appt time generally constitutes running late, but whatever. Zen place. It is what it is, and the fact that Dr Boy was able to come to the appt sat, and be there for at least the waiting on in the morning was wonderful. I asked about the stats, but all they note is whether the post-wash sample has > 20 mil and > 50% motility. Which is did :)

Despite the pre-game dramaz, the IUI went very well (I think). I definitely felt the catheter going past the cervix because I'm blessed (ha!) with a super-sensitive cervix, but there was no pain or cramping the rest of the day like IUI #1. There was quite a bit of discharge about an hour later though, which combined with the lack of pain makes me worried that the sample wasn't deposited in my ute. Again, going to my zen place, because it is what it is at this point. Surely she knew what she was doing, right? Right? And if not, well, we supplemented the process just in case.

So now I'm 1 DPO and on the crazy scale? Probably down around a 1 or so. Fantasticness.

So there you have it.... from inaction to insemination in seven days flat! And the boobs are already getting sore so I know there's at least some progesterone floating around my system.

I'm.... dare I say it... excited!

And for you, dear readers, I have a question- what do you all do during the TWW to promote implantation? I don't have enough crazy going on right now, and I desperately need help coming up with something to fill that void! Hope you're all well!

(PS- come on, you know you want to "join this site" google-style... giveaway at 50!)

On the third day of crazy, my neurosis gave to me...

An estradiol that tripled after additional injections three.

So that sentence didn't really make grammatical sense, but it rhymed and that's what counts. Some time in the last two days of crazy, I'd noticed some twinges in the mid-section. Almost like you get in the days leading up to AF. I *thought* I remembered those from last cycle, but I was fairly certain that I was making that up because my ovaries were lazy sacks of laziness. Certainly not happy, chipper, and functional like this girl:

Is she not the cutest thing you've ever seen? 

Image courtesy iheartguts.com

Apparently I was wrong. (or is it right?) I had a blood draw this morning to see what the extra three days of stims, which were increased in dosage to three vials of menopur apiece. We were hoping for anything above 150. After a four and a half hour wait that felt like FOREVAH because I'm impatient, results were in.


226.


As in, there is most definitely something growing all up in there. Something fun and pre-baby-like. So pardon the crazy that has spewed forth onto the blog in the last few days... I promise, it was from the estrogen flooding my system. I cannot be held accountable for my actions. I really hope none of you took offense to my IVF and FET fears- I swear I don't think that any FET babies are really second-class citizens. It was the crazy talking. And I really don't have anything against them AT ALL, I don't judge the decision to go forward with any of it. I just hadn't gotten there mentally yet.


I have now. If this cycle were to have been cancelled due poor response, Dr Boy and I decided to say eff it and go to IVF next cycle. Which we won't have to do now, but we had at least made peace with the decision. In the amazing talk we had together, he finally said that he's tired of the waiting too. Not just doing this to placate the crazy woman that has taken over his wife's body, but actually because he wants things to move faster too. That he's tired of being childless too. It was such a relief to hear that. I've always known he supports me in this, but now I truly know he wants it all just as badly as I do. NOW.


I'm just waiting to hear from the RE about when to come in for an u/s to take a look at what's brewing, and when we'll trigger. I am so happy now. A reason for the crazy. A positive response to the stims. The possibility of getting pregnant.


I think I'm already glowing.


(PS- If you're a follower, could you do me the honor of being an official "follower" on google connect? I want to do a giveaway when I hit 50.... woohoo!!!)

On the second day of crazy, my neurosis gave to me...

....A healthy dose of "Am I being melodramatic?"

Sometimes, OK, most of the time, I really feel like the answer to that one is a resounding HELL YES. Woe is NOT me. There are way worse things in the world going on than this, and I should be thankful that this is my biggest problem. Or some psychobabble like that.

My second huge bout of batshit crazy is feeling like I'm taking this all way too seriously. Like, I'm still in my 20s (though there's no chance of having a full-term, or even viable at this point, baby while still in my 20s). We don't suffer from any male-factor issues. We've only had ONE failed injectables cycle, and one that isn't really getting off the ground. And even THIS one isn't completely over yet, I'm just flipping out because it's not moving at the time-table that Dr K prefers.

What I mean is, have we given this enough of a chance? Is my ansy-pants neurotic brain giving up too quickly? Am I rushing this process simply because IVF is a completely viable option for us?

Let's recap my batshit craziness.

1. Even though I'm not morally or religiously against it, I can't help but think that IVF is going to make a mutant Dr Boy/Weather Girl hybrid child that will grow up to destroy the universe. Even though it won't do that for anyone else that uses it to get their baby.

2. Am I rushing this process and not giving injectables enough rounds to fight it out?

Ooooh... and one of my favorites that I haven't expanding upon yet...

3. Am I destined to require IVF to make me all of my babies? Because I want three, 'yall. At least two, but I think I'd rather populate the world with three mini-Meier's. You'll thank me later, unless they're universe-destroying hybrids.

And another!
4. What about FET's? Aren't those basically the embryo's that weren't good enough to make the first cut? Are my second and third kids destined to never live up to the first-born, because they were of diminished quality to begin with?

I am so mentally effed up right now. The biggest batshit crazy worry I have right now is #2- Are we giving this enough of a try? And even if we're not, does that really matter? Is it worth going through this mental mind-eff any more months than we have to just to maybe have an IUI work? Is it worth the $$ cost of IVF just to be less mentally effed up and more physically knocked up?

I just don't know.


(Also, a big warm welcome to all of you heading over here from ICLW! Thanks for stopping by, and I hope the mid-cycle crisis you're finding me in this week doesn't scare you away. If anything, it should make you feel better for not being as certifiable as yours-truly! I realized that in my three-word descriptors, I used "keeping sane-ish" as one. Clearly that's not happening so sorry for the mis-label!)

Lockdown, and Darwin.

Yesterday, I was in a bad place. I had my bloodwork drawn in the morning so it would be ready for my afternoon u/s appt. After 12 days of stims (3 vials for the first three days, 2 vials for the remaining 9 days), my estradiol had only climbed to 84. I knew going into the appt that there wouldn't be anything to see, and the nurse hugged me when I started crying as she let me into the room. The u/s was just as we thought. The biggest p-o-s follicle was still sitting around 8mm. If you remember from last time, this was the same day in the cycle that we found my miracle 19, 15, and 14mm follies and subsequently triggered. Lightning didn't strike twice.

Lots of tears later (the nurse said I even made her tear up), we went back to Dr K's office to talk about what to do next. We had two options. First, we could scrap this cycle and start provera today, and start over in two weeks. That option doesn't work for us, since we leave for Boston mid-Oct and wouldn't get through stims before I had to leave. Second, we could do a "prolonged cycle", and up my dosage a little to see if it helps. I got the impression that Dr K wasn't a real big fan of prolonged cycles, but the tears streaming down my face gave him the prompt to go ahead and try it anyways. We're going up to three vials (starting last night) and drawing more blood on Thursday. If things look good (e2>150), I'll come in for an u/s that day or fri am.

I know that whole book "The Secret" would scream at me right now, but I'm fairly certain that this won't work. My ovaries, which have in the past displayed a resolve which would easily rival the security at Ft Knox or even the skirt-wearing guards at Buckingham Palace, are at it again. You'd think that someone told them they're getting paid for every egg they KEEP, rather than every egg they RELEASE. If you love you some ovum, set them FREE!

And then there's the whole issue of quality. I have this deep-seeded fear that by doing this extended cycle, or fertility treatments in general, that I'm forcing something to happen that shouldn't. I know that's total crap, and that myth was busted a TON of times during NIAW. But still, I can't help but wonder if these eggs are staying put for a reason. Am I going to o an imperfect egg by stimming for so long? I mean, in unmedicated cycles, ovulating late is a sign of poor egg quality. How is it not the same here? Is there something wrong with me that we don't know about that is preventing me from ovulating, something that shouldn't be passed down to future generations?

Don't mind me while I get all philosophical now. Just roll your eyes at me please.

I am a strong believer in evolution. Survival of the fittest? Yes. I know that modern medicine and all has basically put a halt to all of that, but I still can't help but wonder that way back in the day, my bloodline was supposed to run dry with me. How can I believe in what I do, and not think that this is all happening for a reason? A Darwinian reason. This is the big I problem I have with making the decision to go to IVF. With IVF, there's nothing left to chance. ICSI decides what sperm meets what egg, and an embryologist decides what embryos to give back simply based on their appearance. I thought we were supposed to judge people based on what's on the inside, not the outside!! Nature has nothing to do with it!

Before you yell and flame me and my effed up brain, I HAVE NO ISSUE WITH OTHER PEOPLE DOING IVF. None at all. I think it's a great option and am SO SO HAPPY when all of you succeed! But when it comes to MY infertility issues, I can't convince myself that I'm not screwing up the master plan. Which is just a dumb ridiculous double-standard, but I'm having a hard time jumping that hurdle. How can I truly in my heart feel that something is ok for everyone else in the world, but simply refuse to believe it for myself?

It's also a dumb reason to keep doing flailing IUI's.

I'm feeling slightly better about it all today, but I still have no faith in this and have no effing clue where to go next. Dr Boy is willing to go whatever route makes me the least batshit crazy.

Give me a good reason to do another injectables/IUI cycle after this. Please. Because my head and my heart hurt, and I can't decide on my own.

Also? The forced break we'll be on for most of Oct would be a great time to do the requisite month of BCP for IVF, thereby wasting the least amount of time possible.

More Vomit.

I forgot to mention that TVT is brought to you courtesy of Natalie. She's hilarious.

And this kid?

This is Mac. He's Oat's. She's pretty damn funny too. And she makes me feel better about my love of alcohol.

And on to business.

- Had my CD12 u/s yesterday after 9 days of menopur shots. Drumroll please... NO follies over 8mm. Amazing... just like LAST TIME! Oh, and my estradiol is only 72. I'm still fine, mentally (at least about this cycle), since it's so much like last time. Sure, I've got 3 extra vials of menopur floating around in my belly from upping the first 3 days dose, but otherwise? Same shiz different month. Next appt is on Monday.

- Phlebotomist had to draw blood out of the back of my hand. Not conducive to getting a hand massage from Dr Boy. He was gentle though :) Dr Boy, not the phlebo-guy.

- Two pregnancy announcements yesterday. One from a co-worker, and one BAM! facebook ultrasound pic of the kid waving. This is #2 for work guy. We talked about our IF a little after he asked when *I* was going to be making a preggo announcement. At first, I thought "Oh gee, glad people think the IF weight makes me look pregnant". Then I just realized it's because I swoon over the pics of his daughter all the time. He and his wife had three 1st tri miscarriages before their 1st, and are just grateful that things are moving along smoothly so far with TTC #2. The facebook one was a friend from college, who I was actually surprised hadn't gotten knocked up sooner. That one hurt way more than the colleague. I had just gotten home from my dr appt and was telling Dr Boy about the results as I mindlessly floated through facebook. And got this: 

And started crying. It was good times.

- My pregnancy announcement mantra has become "Happy for them, sad for me." I say it a lot.

- At least the weekend won't suck because I have a wine club event tonight in Napa, a fabulous infertility shower thrown by The Womb Warrior tomorrow, and a fancy pants dinner where they talk about cooking your meal and do everything in front of you. So I will be too busy to stalk all the congrats comments on the FB post, yeah?

- I am over the menopur. I know I said it yesterday, but I am so over shots. 

- I got accepted to the BlogHer ad network. Click away!!!

Have a great weekend, 'yall!

Thought Vomit ThursFriday

Thurs-Friday is kindof like brunch or linner, a little bit of both worlds :)

- Had an awful time getting to my u/s appt Tuesday. Between the impossible task of finding a parking spot, not knowing which building the dr was located in (different location than usual), ending up floating around the maternity wards (yes, that really happened), and nearly having a breakdown when I checked in 15 minutes late, I finally made it. Hardly still sane, but made it.

- The u/s showed no follie activity yet. Nothing over 7mm, after 6 days of shots. Whatevs. There weren't any last time around, it just rules out this cycle moving along any faster than last time, really. On one hand, it should still be fine because we did end up with a good, ovulating, follie last time. On the other, it didn't end up making me a baby. So I'm still a bit jaded and disconnected from this cycle a bit more, mentally at least.

- Shots 8 and 9 hurt like a bitch. And bruised. I am so over this. But I can't complain about them too much bc Dr Boy feels like I'm bitching about HIM and the way HE injects me. Which I'm not, I'm just bitching about it in general. Sigh.

- I'm pissed that this cycle isn't moving faster bc it means we won't be able to fit in a third before we leave for Boston and VT in mid-Oct. Because yes, I'm already thinking about next time. I told you I was feeling disconnected about this cycle. Maybe a quick month off would be good though, I don't know. Give my body a chance to relax a little (I hear relaxing gets you pregnant) and lose the 8 lbs I've gained in the last 6 weeks. What the hell am I saying, I'm going to be pissed if this time doesn't work and we have to waste more time. Pissed.

- I'm attempting to cut out processed sugar, at least for a little bit. I was less than 1 lb shy of 190 when I stepped on the scale yesterday, and that is UNACCEPTABLE. Ohhhhhhhhh no. Mmmm mmmmm. I'm taking the AA "one day at a time" approach. I can refrain from peanut m&m's and Grandmother's peanut butter cookies from the snack shack TODAY. I can say no to the skinny cow ice cream sandwich TODAY. I can give away the chocolate brownies left over from our BBQ TODAY. What did Dr Boy say last night? "We need more good dessert options up in this house." Ha. Get used to it.

- I'm fairly certain the low-sugar deal will only last up until my next BFN. Here's hoping, though.

- I am planting beets and lettuce in my fall garden. About to give up on my peppers and zucchini. It's been a bad year for peppers in my 'hood, and I can't seem to get the zucc's any bigger than 4" before they start to turn yellow. Very odd. I thought they grew like weeds!!! Tomatoes are still going strong though. Yum-tastic.

- My self-esteem lately has been ROCK BOTTOM. This one deserves its own post though. Just thought I'd throw it out there.

I have another u/s this afternoon. Hopefully we'll see something more interesting, since it IS CD12 and all.

That is all.

Ten Years

Round Two

JM and Dr Boy in one ring...


The Ovaries in the other...


Who will emerge victorious???? Only time will tell....

--------------------------------------------------------
I've felt particularly disconnected this week. It was like throwing on the e-brake Monday morning when AF showed up. We had a fantastic weekend, full of in-laws, baseball, and BBQing for friends. The party we thew went wonderfully, the in-laws were tame, and I got stuff DONE. In a clean house. No, I didn't get to drink the sangria Sunday night, but I was contently in the TWW. Pretending I was gestating.

We went to Dr Boy's bro's baseball game Monday morning, and BOOM. The cramps I had been experiencing on and off all weekend intensified, I hit the restroom, and it was over. AF showed at 12DPO, on CD28. How funny! My first "perfect" cycle off BC. Wonderful.

Lots of wine was drunk Monday night.

On Tuesday afternoon, my wonderful friend N set up a coffee date for us and another friend- and her 4 month old baby. I was a wee bit nervous about "putting on my smile", but the truth is, it was the best thing I could have done that day. After the baby started releasing too many bodily fluids for N's taste, I held her. And bounced her, and lulled her to sleep :) This baby? Amazeballs. And there was no need to fake the contently happy feeling I had with her in my arms.

Did I mention her head smelled amazing? I also very nearly took a bite out of her arm. For safe keeping.

So that was my cheap therapy session. That combined with the second bottle of wine consumed in as many days. Yum.

 I went in for my baseline u/s on Wednesday, which showed my empty uterus and almost-back-to-normal ovaries. There was one residual cyst on righty measuring around 9mm, but Dr K wasn't concerned. Probably just still shrinking from last time around.

The plan (can you believe we're already at a plan again? so quick. no time to mourn IUI #1) is to stick with the menopur, just a tad more aggressively. 3 vials on CD3, 4, and 5. 2 vials for the remainder so my "loaded guns" don't go crazy. (I love thinking of my PCOS-ey ovaries as loaded guns. Actually I don't. It scares me.) Get some bloodwork drawn Saturday, then another u/s on CD9 (tuesday). Dr K would like to see some 10 or 11's at that point, so we move a few days faster than last time (triggering on CD15). We'll see!

So there you have it. Therapy, a plan, and two shots down. In case you were wondering, 3 vials of menopur burns way more than 2 vials. Either that or I've just turned massively wussy in the last two and a half weeks.


Which is entirely possible.

Nope.

I'll write more later, but it'll have to be when I'm done crying.

Didn't work. Got my period late this morning.

Had a feeling. Started testing Saturday when my boobs felt like literally cutting them off would feel better than leaving them attached, then the cramping started up. On and off, but more on than off. Then AF late this morning. Eff. Mother effing effer.

I'm still holding out hope for a few people out there this cycle- at the very least Ericka at This Hampton Life. She's be testing on Wednesday.

Thanks to everyone else out there waiting... and I'll be back when I can hold it together longer. Thanks for all the good wishes this cycle. I really, truly couldn't have made it this far without you guys. Really. You're my heroes :)