999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility
And specifically, the post I linked to. So. True.
Every last step.
OK, except the lack of tampons because I like to coupon shop and have two years worth of tampons underneath my sink.
But all of the rest of them!
Please read and enjoy :)
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
On Luck.
I've always felt lucky.
I did well in high school, got into every college I applied to, ended up with a couple of scholarships. Sure, I worked hard, but I was damn lucky too. I met Dr Boy the first weekend of college. I got to do a summer of training at NASA. I got into a great graduate school, paid for. And they actually PAID me to get my master's degree (though this was standard for what I do, it was still awesome). I did a career path internship that landed me a job as soon as I finished grad school- in my home city. Dr Boy matched at a residency program in that same city.
I'm not saying all this to be all "Wow look at you!" I just have been incredibly lucky in life. So much so.
I guess this is where our luck has run out. 34 months of trying to make a baby. Two years no natural cycling. Four unmedicated natural cycles. Three rounds of clomid. Two months of injectables with IUIs. No luck.
I always thought that I'd be one of those lucky ones to end up pregnant on their first month of meds. Or on their first round of injectables with IUI. But I'm not. I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that I really, truly, honestly fall into the infertile category. That's me. I'm that. I'm not an IF impostor anymore- there's no "nah, she hasn't tried hard enough to be part of the club yet."
Dr Boy and I have been struggling with the decision of where to go next. Initially we had planned on trying out three or four IUIs. But secretly, really, we figured we'd be off this roller coaster in one or two tries. No one really plans on doing four IUIs. They end up there because the previous one was unsuccessful. I never really let myself think about the possibility that we'd have to do anything past one or two. I mean, I couldn't really be that broken, could I? That unlucky? That's just not me.
But it is, and I'm so done. Dr Boy is done with this. I'm over my ridiculous darwin flip out. (which I really hope didn't offend anyone because it was just me being batshit crazy and not judging anyone AT ALL I SWEAR I THINK IVF IS A WONDERFUL OPTION) We've scheduled an IVF consult for the week we come back from vacation (two weeks from today). My brain is telling me this is the right choice, but my heart? It can't accept the fact that our luck has left us. My heart keeps saying that no, no, you're over-reacting. Stop being such a crazy person and just keep on with the IUIs.
I can't reconcile the two. Logical me says to just do the damn IVF and enjoy the much higher chance of conceiving. Illogical me says that I haven't worked hard enough to earn the IVF. Logical me is thrilled to have finally made this decision and wants to get back on the Hope train. Illogical me says I don't deserve it yet. That I haven't put in the time.
All of me, though? All of me is terrified that my luck has left for good. And that even though IVF gives us a better chance, it won't be good enough. And I don't know if I can take that.
I did well in high school, got into every college I applied to, ended up with a couple of scholarships. Sure, I worked hard, but I was damn lucky too. I met Dr Boy the first weekend of college. I got to do a summer of training at NASA. I got into a great graduate school, paid for. And they actually PAID me to get my master's degree (though this was standard for what I do, it was still awesome). I did a career path internship that landed me a job as soon as I finished grad school- in my home city. Dr Boy matched at a residency program in that same city.
I'm not saying all this to be all "Wow look at you!" I just have been incredibly lucky in life. So much so.
I guess this is where our luck has run out. 34 months of trying to make a baby. Two years no natural cycling. Four unmedicated natural cycles. Three rounds of clomid. Two months of injectables with IUIs. No luck.
I always thought that I'd be one of those lucky ones to end up pregnant on their first month of meds. Or on their first round of injectables with IUI. But I'm not. I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that I really, truly, honestly fall into the infertile category. That's me. I'm that. I'm not an IF impostor anymore- there's no "nah, she hasn't tried hard enough to be part of the club yet."
Dr Boy and I have been struggling with the decision of where to go next. Initially we had planned on trying out three or four IUIs. But secretly, really, we figured we'd be off this roller coaster in one or two tries. No one really plans on doing four IUIs. They end up there because the previous one was unsuccessful. I never really let myself think about the possibility that we'd have to do anything past one or two. I mean, I couldn't really be that broken, could I? That unlucky? That's just not me.
But it is, and I'm so done. Dr Boy is done with this. I'm over my ridiculous darwin flip out. (which I really hope didn't offend anyone because it was just me being batshit crazy and not judging anyone AT ALL I SWEAR I THINK IVF IS A WONDERFUL OPTION) We've scheduled an IVF consult for the week we come back from vacation (two weeks from today). My brain is telling me this is the right choice, but my heart? It can't accept the fact that our luck has left us. My heart keeps saying that no, no, you're over-reacting. Stop being such a crazy person and just keep on with the IUIs.
I can't reconcile the two. Logical me says to just do the damn IVF and enjoy the much higher chance of conceiving. Illogical me says that I haven't worked hard enough to earn the IVF. Logical me is thrilled to have finally made this decision and wants to get back on the Hope train. Illogical me says I don't deserve it yet. That I haven't put in the time.
All of me, though? All of me is terrified that my luck has left for good. And that even though IVF gives us a better chance, it won't be good enough. And I don't know if I can take that.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Nope Squared.
I had some really light dark brown spotting yesterday afternoon, and immediately my mind rushed towards implantation bleeding. I mean, I was 11 DPO, so it was still within the realm of possibility, right? On the late side, but I hadn't been cramping at all yet (last time I had lots of pre-AF cramps) so I didn't think anything of it in terms of AF.
I went to my hour-long swim class which was awesome (did some of my first flip turns! actually make progress on this fitness thing!). I ate my last meal for 24-hours (Yom Kippur), planning on only drinking water through tonight. And then AF arrived, pretty much all at once, cramps and all.
Super. IUI #2, fail. And I guess technically, on CD11. Which means I can add a short luteal phase to my resume. I was on no progesterone support this time around because that hadn't been a problem last time, though really, AF only arrived 12 hours earlier than it did with IUI #1. The RE said they didn't think it would be a problem.
Whatever. It was obviously a problem this time. Along with a piss-poor response to the stims overall. 3 vials of menopur for most of the cycle, 19 shots, and only one measly 18.5 mm follie? Lame. My RE always calls my ovaries loaded guns because of all the cysts from my dang PCOS- Guess they're loaded guns that keep misfiring.
This month is a break of sorts. We'll be out of town CD8-18, which means no stimming for us. I'm not sure what we're going to do next. I do have an appt on Monday morning to discuss things. And probably do some crying.
I'm good at that.
Good luck to the billion of you (at least it feels like) that were cycling at the same time as me this month- and thank you for all the support!!!
(dear god is it sunset yet? i'm flippin' hungry)
I went to my hour-long swim class which was awesome (did some of my first flip turns! actually make progress on this fitness thing!). I ate my last meal for 24-hours (Yom Kippur), planning on only drinking water through tonight. And then AF arrived, pretty much all at once, cramps and all.
Super. IUI #2, fail. And I guess technically, on CD11. Which means I can add a short luteal phase to my resume. I was on no progesterone support this time around because that hadn't been a problem last time, though really, AF only arrived 12 hours earlier than it did with IUI #1. The RE said they didn't think it would be a problem.
Whatever. It was obviously a problem this time. Along with a piss-poor response to the stims overall. 3 vials of menopur for most of the cycle, 19 shots, and only one measly 18.5 mm follie? Lame. My RE always calls my ovaries loaded guns because of all the cysts from my dang PCOS- Guess they're loaded guns that keep misfiring.
This month is a break of sorts. We'll be out of town CD8-18, which means no stimming for us. I'm not sure what we're going to do next. I do have an appt on Monday morning to discuss things. And probably do some crying.
I'm good at that.
Good luck to the billion of you (at least it feels like) that were cycling at the same time as me this month- and thank you for all the support!!!
(dear god is it sunset yet? i'm flippin' hungry)
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Depression Hurts. A baby can help.
I'm not good at the TWW. I'm 10 DPO today. No testing yet.
I get depressed. I've suffered from clinical depression since my senior year in college. I started to see a therapist for a little while, then started Lex.apr.o. I felt a whole lot better, but a little numb. Like, couldn't cry during dumb movies, which for me was a huge difference.
When we decided to TTC, I weaned off the drugs. I let it take three months to wean off a silly 10mg rx. But I did it, and I was *ok*. Ish. Fast forward three years, because we're coming up on the anniversary of when I officially stopped taking the drugs altogether. I still go through rough patches, for sure. I can feel them coming on, and it usually last a few days.
Retreat, ignore phone calls, make excuses not to see people. Take on a cranky pants attitude with Dr Boy. Take long afternoon naps, refuse to cook. Sometimes it's bad enough that I'll call in sick to work. But I know I come out of it within a couple of days. It's often preceded by a few days that are just awesome. Like the universe balancing me out- can't have too much happiness now, that's not in the cards.
The happy this time around has been a series of amazing workouts. I've been running again, and Monday night I went to a swim class again. I kicked ass in swim, and while I'm still one of the worst runners in my class, I'm getting better. Stronger.
So of course the sinking started Tuesday. I can't focus at work. I have quite literally done ZERO work at work this week. I feel awful and sick to my stomach admitting that, but it's the truth. I have been getting headaches every afternoon. I've been short with Dr Boy. I mustered up enough energy to make pasta and leftover chicken for dinner.
I hate it.
I know I'll be ok. I really just want this to be worth it. Living better through a chemical-free lifestyle better be worth it.
Please just let this be the time it works.
I get depressed. I've suffered from clinical depression since my senior year in college. I started to see a therapist for a little while, then started Lex.apr.o. I felt a whole lot better, but a little numb. Like, couldn't cry during dumb movies, which for me was a huge difference.
When we decided to TTC, I weaned off the drugs. I let it take three months to wean off a silly 10mg rx. But I did it, and I was *ok*. Ish. Fast forward three years, because we're coming up on the anniversary of when I officially stopped taking the drugs altogether. I still go through rough patches, for sure. I can feel them coming on, and it usually last a few days.
Retreat, ignore phone calls, make excuses not to see people. Take on a cranky pants attitude with Dr Boy. Take long afternoon naps, refuse to cook. Sometimes it's bad enough that I'll call in sick to work. But I know I come out of it within a couple of days. It's often preceded by a few days that are just awesome. Like the universe balancing me out- can't have too much happiness now, that's not in the cards.
The happy this time around has been a series of amazing workouts. I've been running again, and Monday night I went to a swim class again. I kicked ass in swim, and while I'm still one of the worst runners in my class, I'm getting better. Stronger.
So of course the sinking started Tuesday. I can't focus at work. I have quite literally done ZERO work at work this week. I feel awful and sick to my stomach admitting that, but it's the truth. I have been getting headaches every afternoon. I've been short with Dr Boy. I mustered up enough energy to make pasta and leftover chicken for dinner.
I hate it.
I know I'll be ok. I really just want this to be worth it. Living better through a chemical-free lifestyle better be worth it.
Please just let this be the time it works.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
TVT
 |
| Vom-a-long-a-ding-dong |
- The TWW sucks. As usual, I'm over it, and I'm only, like, three days in really. Today I'm 3DPO but it kindof feels like a year. The nice thing is that there are a whole BUNCH of bloggie peeps (please don't unfriend me for using the word "peeps") that are sitting in this mess within a couple days of me, so that makes me feel better. We'll spread/share the crazy amongst ourselves.
- My boobs hurt. More in the nip-region than last time's all-over pain, but still? All over pain is there.
- I had my third running group meeting last night, and it felt *gasp* good! Last week I was pretty pissed at myself because I could really feel how badly I had let my fitness slip during the summer. Last night, I could still feel it, but not quite as much. I could almost run around the 1/4 mile track without stopping, and I'm not all that sore this morning (whereas the day after my first run I could barely make it up the stairs to my office). I call that progress! They bribed us with a free hat if we show up to 7/10 of the first sessions. I respond to bribery well, and am 3/4, the first of which I missed only because I had to work.
- We also worked a little on core after running which I despise like the devil that it is. Devil, I tell you!!! I did planks, but skipped out on the crunches. I justified it by telling myself that I didn't want to crunch the embryo that's busy getting ready to shove itself in my ute. I feel no guilt.
- My baby brother's coming to town this weekend... woot! So excited to show him around our town.
- Did I mention I was bored? TWW's are boring.
- I have a POAS plan. I will FOR SURE be peeing a week from Sat, Oct 8th, which will be 12DPO. That was the day last round that AF showed up, and I don't want that to be how I find out. I *might* test at 11DPO, but only if I'm feeling the same super cramps that I did last time. Again, no surprises.
- Which reminds me, I haven't been testing out the trigger. Ooops. It took seven days last time, so I'll pee tomorrow at 5DPO and see what I see. I love internet cheapies.
And that is all the vomit I can compile for this week (other than the lemon basil that one of the cats vommed yesterday thankyouverymuch). I think Natalie or Oak should start up a little linky, yeah? So we can make sure not to miss all of everyone else's spew?
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Does this shade of crazy look good on me?
Apparently it does. To recap the drama'z:
CD15: estadiol 84, all follies under 10mm, decide to *try* to keep going another few days
CD16/17: IVF/FET freakout
CD18: estradiol 226, yippee! U/S scheduled for CD20
CD19: estradiol 428, extra yippee!
CD20: Ultrasound showed an 18.5mm follie on lefty, and a 15mm and 14mm on righty. Uterine lining 9.4mm (up from 8.2 for IUI #1)
Score! It would appear that my body thrives on crazy, which is a good thing because I don't see that changing any time soon. We decided to trigger that night (which was Saturday), then do the IUI Monday morning. Rock the heck on! Even better was having Dr Boy at the ultrasound so he could see the excitingness that is a successful follicle-finding ultrasound. Bonus: He was able to reschedule his first hour of patients Monday morning so he could be there when the plunger was pushed :) Silly, but still meaningful to me. And him. Saturday night's trigger was super easy, again, the easiest shot of the 18 we had to administer this go-around.
It didn't end up going as smoothly as we had hoped Monday morning. We dropped off the goods, and came back an hour later for our 8:40am appt. OK, we actually showed up about 15 min before that in hopes that we could get the show on the road, and DB to his clinical duties asap. We let them know we were back, and proceeded to see everyone else in the waiting room enter, then exit the dr's offices. Dr Boy can get a wee bit high strung sometimes, especially when it comes close to him being late for something. Like work. Which cannot happen. By 8:55am, we asked the receptionist what the heck was going on, because if we didn't get called back in the next minute or two, DB was going to have to leave. She said we were "coming right up."
Didn't happen. DB left at 9am. There was much anxiety on his part, but I was doing my best to stay in my zen place for happy fertilizing. I was called back at 9:10, and when questioned about the timeliness (or lack thereof) of the appt, the NP performing the IUI proclaimed that she wasn't running late! Yeah, 30 minutes past an appt time generally constitutes running late, but whatever. Zen place. It is what it is, and the fact that Dr Boy was able to come to the appt sat, and be there for at least the waiting on in the morning was wonderful. I asked about the stats, but all they note is whether the post-wash sample has > 20 mil and > 50% motility. Which is did :)
Despite the pre-game dramaz, the IUI went very well (I think). I definitely felt the catheter going past the cervix because I'm blessed (ha!) with a super-sensitive cervix, but there was no pain or cramping the rest of the day like IUI #1. There was quite a bit of discharge about an hour later though, which combined with the lack of pain makes me worried that the sample wasn't deposited in my ute. Again, going to my zen place, because it is what it is at this point. Surely she knew what she was doing, right? Right? And if not, well, we supplemented the process just in case.
So now I'm 1 DPO and on the crazy scale? Probably down around a 1 or so. Fantasticness.
So there you have it.... from inaction to insemination in seven days flat! And the boobs are already getting sore so I know there's at least some progesterone floating around my system.
I'm.... dare I say it... excited!
And for you, dear readers, I have a question- what do you all do during the TWW to promote implantation? I don't have enough crazy going on right now, and I desperately need help coming up with something to fill that void! Hope you're all well!
(PS- come on, you know you want to "join this site" google-style... giveaway at 50!)
CD15: estadiol 84, all follies under 10mm, decide to *try* to keep going another few days
CD16/17: IVF/FET freakout
CD18: estradiol 226, yippee! U/S scheduled for CD20
CD19: estradiol 428, extra yippee!
CD20: Ultrasound showed an 18.5mm follie on lefty, and a 15mm and 14mm on righty. Uterine lining 9.4mm (up from 8.2 for IUI #1)
Score! It would appear that my body thrives on crazy, which is a good thing because I don't see that changing any time soon. We decided to trigger that night (which was Saturday), then do the IUI Monday morning. Rock the heck on! Even better was having Dr Boy at the ultrasound so he could see the excitingness that is a successful follicle-finding ultrasound. Bonus: He was able to reschedule his first hour of patients Monday morning so he could be there when the plunger was pushed :) Silly, but still meaningful to me. And him. Saturday night's trigger was super easy, again, the easiest shot of the 18 we had to administer this go-around.
It didn't end up going as smoothly as we had hoped Monday morning. We dropped off the goods, and came back an hour later for our 8:40am appt. OK, we actually showed up about 15 min before that in hopes that we could get the show on the road, and DB to his clinical duties asap. We let them know we were back, and proceeded to see everyone else in the waiting room enter, then exit the dr's offices. Dr Boy can get a wee bit high strung sometimes, especially when it comes close to him being late for something. Like work. Which cannot happen. By 8:55am, we asked the receptionist what the heck was going on, because if we didn't get called back in the next minute or two, DB was going to have to leave. She said we were "coming right up."
Didn't happen. DB left at 9am. There was much anxiety on his part, but I was doing my best to stay in my zen place for happy fertilizing. I was called back at 9:10, and when questioned about the timeliness (or lack thereof) of the appt, the NP performing the IUI proclaimed that she wasn't running late! Yeah, 30 minutes past an appt time generally constitutes running late, but whatever. Zen place. It is what it is, and the fact that Dr Boy was able to come to the appt sat, and be there for at least the waiting on in the morning was wonderful. I asked about the stats, but all they note is whether the post-wash sample has > 20 mil and > 50% motility. Which is did :)
Despite the pre-game dramaz, the IUI went very well (I think). I definitely felt the catheter going past the cervix because I'm blessed (ha!) with a super-sensitive cervix, but there was no pain or cramping the rest of the day like IUI #1. There was quite a bit of discharge about an hour later though, which combined with the lack of pain makes me worried that the sample wasn't deposited in my ute. Again, going to my zen place, because it is what it is at this point. Surely she knew what she was doing, right? Right? And if not, well, we supplemented the process just in case.
So now I'm 1 DPO and on the crazy scale? Probably down around a 1 or so. Fantasticness.
So there you have it.... from inaction to insemination in seven days flat! And the boobs are already getting sore so I know there's at least some progesterone floating around my system.
I'm.... dare I say it... excited!
And for you, dear readers, I have a question- what do you all do during the TWW to promote implantation? I don't have enough crazy going on right now, and I desperately need help coming up with something to fill that void! Hope you're all well!
(PS- come on, you know you want to "join this site" google-style... giveaway at 50!)
Thursday, September 22, 2011
On the third day of crazy, my neurosis gave to me...
An estradiol that tripled after additional injections three.
So that sentence didn't really make grammatical sense, but it rhymed and that's what counts. Some time in the last two days of crazy, I'd noticed some twinges in the mid-section. Almost like you get in the days leading up to AF. I *thought* I remembered those from last cycle, but I was fairly certain that I was making that up because my ovaries were lazy sacks of laziness. Certainly not happy, chipper, and functional like this girl:
Apparently I was wrong. (or is it right?) I had a blood draw this morning to see what the extra three days of stims, which were increased in dosage to three vials of menopur apiece. We were hoping for anything above 150. After a four and a half hour wait that felt like FOREVAH because I'm impatient, results were in.
226.
As in, there is most definitely something growing all up in there. Something fun and pre-baby-like. So pardon the crazy that has spewed forth onto the blog in the last few days... I promise, it was from the estrogen flooding my system. I cannot be held accountable for my actions. I really hope none of you took offense to my IVF and FET fears- I swear I don't think that any FET babies are really second-class citizens. It was the crazy talking. And I really don't have anything against them AT ALL, I don't judge the decision to go forward with any of it. I just hadn't gotten there mentally yet.
I have now. If this cycle were to have been cancelled due poor response, Dr Boy and I decided to say eff it and go to IVF next cycle. Which we won't have to do now, but we had at least made peace with the decision. In the amazing talk we had together, he finally said that he's tired of the waiting too. Not just doing this to placate the crazy woman that has taken over his wife's body, but actually because he wants things to move faster too. That he's tired of being childless too. It was such a relief to hear that. I've always known he supports me in this, but now I truly know he wants it all just as badly as I do. NOW.
I'm just waiting to hear from the RE about when to come in for an u/s to take a look at what's brewing, and when we'll trigger. I am so happy now. A reason for the crazy. A positive response to the stims. The possibility of getting pregnant.
I think I'm already glowing.
(PS- If you're a follower, could you do me the honor of being an official "follower" on google connect? I want to do a giveaway when I hit 50.... woohoo!!!)
So that sentence didn't really make grammatical sense, but it rhymed and that's what counts. Some time in the last two days of crazy, I'd noticed some twinges in the mid-section. Almost like you get in the days leading up to AF. I *thought* I remembered those from last cycle, but I was fairly certain that I was making that up because my ovaries were lazy sacks of laziness. Certainly not happy, chipper, and functional like this girl:
 | ||
| Is she not the cutest thing you've ever seen? | Image courtesy iheartguts.com |
226.
As in, there is most definitely something growing all up in there. Something fun and pre-baby-like. So pardon the crazy that has spewed forth onto the blog in the last few days... I promise, it was from the estrogen flooding my system. I cannot be held accountable for my actions. I really hope none of you took offense to my IVF and FET fears- I swear I don't think that any FET babies are really second-class citizens. It was the crazy talking. And I really don't have anything against them AT ALL, I don't judge the decision to go forward with any of it. I just hadn't gotten there mentally yet.
I have now. If this cycle were to have been cancelled due poor response, Dr Boy and I decided to say eff it and go to IVF next cycle. Which we won't have to do now, but we had at least made peace with the decision. In the amazing talk we had together, he finally said that he's tired of the waiting too. Not just doing this to placate the crazy woman that has taken over his wife's body, but actually because he wants things to move faster too. That he's tired of being childless too. It was such a relief to hear that. I've always known he supports me in this, but now I truly know he wants it all just as badly as I do. NOW.
I'm just waiting to hear from the RE about when to come in for an u/s to take a look at what's brewing, and when we'll trigger. I am so happy now. A reason for the crazy. A positive response to the stims. The possibility of getting pregnant.
I think I'm already glowing.
(PS- If you're a follower, could you do me the honor of being an official "follower" on google connect? I want to do a giveaway when I hit 50.... woohoo!!!)
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