Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Lockdown, and Darwin.

Yesterday, I was in a bad place. I had my bloodwork drawn in the morning so it would be ready for my afternoon u/s appt. After 12 days of stims (3 vials for the first three days, 2 vials for the remaining 9 days), my estradiol had only climbed to 84. I knew going into the appt that there wouldn't be anything to see, and the nurse hugged me when I started crying as she let me into the room. The u/s was just as we thought. The biggest p-o-s follicle was still sitting around 8mm. If you remember from last time, this was the same day in the cycle that we found my miracle 19, 15, and 14mm follies and subsequently triggered. Lightning didn't strike twice.

Lots of tears later (the nurse said I even made her tear up), we went back to Dr K's office to talk about what to do next. We had two options. First, we could scrap this cycle and start provera today, and start over in two weeks. That option doesn't work for us, since we leave for Boston mid-Oct and wouldn't get through stims before I had to leave. Second, we could do a "prolonged cycle", and up my dosage a little to see if it helps. I got the impression that Dr K wasn't a real big fan of prolonged cycles, but the tears streaming down my face gave him the prompt to go ahead and try it anyways. We're going up to three vials (starting last night) and drawing more blood on Thursday. If things look good (e2>150), I'll come in for an u/s that day or fri am.

I know that whole book "The Secret" would scream at me right now, but I'm fairly certain that this won't work. My ovaries, which have in the past displayed a resolve which would easily rival the security at Ft Knox or even the skirt-wearing guards at Buckingham Palace, are at it again. You'd think that someone told them they're getting paid for every egg they KEEP, rather than every egg they RELEASE. If you love you some ovum, set them FREE!

And then there's the whole issue of quality. I have this deep-seeded fear that by doing this extended cycle, or fertility treatments in general, that I'm forcing something to happen that shouldn't. I know that's total crap, and that myth was busted a TON of times during NIAW. But still, I can't help but wonder if these eggs are staying put for a reason. Am I going to o an imperfect egg by stimming for so long? I mean, in unmedicated cycles, ovulating late is a sign of poor egg quality. How is it not the same here? Is there something wrong with me that we don't know about that is preventing me from ovulating, something that shouldn't be passed down to future generations?

Don't mind me while I get all philosophical now. Just roll your eyes at me please.

I am a strong believer in evolution. Survival of the fittest? Yes. I know that modern medicine and all has basically put a halt to all of that, but I still can't help but wonder that way back in the day, my bloodline was supposed to run dry with me. How can I believe in what I do, and not think that this is all happening for a reason? A Darwinian reason. This is the big I problem I have with making the decision to go to IVF. With IVF, there's nothing left to chance. ICSI decides what sperm meets what egg, and an embryologist decides what embryos to give back simply based on their appearance. I thought we were supposed to judge people based on what's on the inside, not the outside!! Nature has nothing to do with it!

Before you yell and flame me and my effed up brain, I HAVE NO ISSUE WITH OTHER PEOPLE DOING IVF. None at all. I think it's a great option and am SO SO HAPPY when all of you succeed! But when it comes to MY infertility issues, I can't convince myself that I'm not screwing up the master plan. Which is just a dumb ridiculous double-standard, but I'm having a hard time jumping that hurdle. How can I truly in my heart feel that something is ok for everyone else in the world, but simply refuse to believe it for myself?

It's also a dumb reason to keep doing flailing IUI's.

I'm feeling slightly better about it all today, but I still have no faith in this and have no effing clue where to go next. Dr Boy is willing to go whatever route makes me the least batshit crazy.

Give me a good reason to do another injectables/IUI cycle after this. Please. Because my head and my heart hurt, and I can't decide on my own.

Also? The forced break we'll be on for most of Oct would be a great time to do the requisite month of BCP for IVF, thereby wasting the least amount of time possible.


  1. Whoa, I have been going back and forth with myself on IVF for months now. It's such a hard decision and a total mind f*ck. I still don't think I'm 100% okay with it, but I better get on board since I'm on CD7 of my IVF cycle. Oopsie. It's SO much easier to accept other people's decisions, rather than to make your own. I never, ever had any issues with IVF until that was our only option for biological children. Ugh, I'm sorry you're going through this; it's so difficult. ***hugs***

  2. I'm so sorry. :-(
    But I have to say - if you love some ovum, set them free is sure to become a classic!
    And honey - as much as I hope this cycle works for you, I think you really need to just go for IVF already.
    Evolution gave us science. Science can make a baby. Laws of nature stay intact.
    Just go for it. Jump in head first. You'll be fine.
    Huge hugs! (and you still owe me your address so I can send you some chocolate!)

  3. I had that debate with myself too. Am I going against what I am supposed to do? Should I let Darwin have his way? In the end, it all came down to whether I was willing to live without having biological kids or not. The answer was immediate. Not. We had to do whatever we could to try to make that happen.

    I'm not suggestion you should make the same decision. I'm mainly saying, you are not alone in this line of thinking and if you do chose IVF, don't beat yourself up. Its a very hard choice, no matter what you previously thought.

  4. I think your doubts and concerns are entirely viable. I, too, have thought that maybe it's not in the Grand Plan of my life for us to have children, and maybe I'm screwing with the universe and doing something unnatural by forcing the issue with my body, you know? I can understand your doubts, and I had to make my peace with all that. Everyone, EVERYONE, is entitled to their feelings about what they're doing or not doing for infertility.

    I believe you should keep trying. I don't think Survival of the Fittest is applies in the same way with modern medicine. After all, if it weren't for modern medicine, Survival of the Fittest would've phased me out at 2 years old. Honestly. 2 years old. If they didn't have the science to discover and physiological correct my aortic valve, I would be dead. But I'm not. And I, like all the healthy babies that were born perfectly healthy and anatomically correct, have survived and thrived in the world and made meaningful contributions. I believe modern medicine and technology have made it so that more of us can BE the part the fittest.

  5. I completely understand your line of thinking. For us, the decision to do IVF came after 2+ years of trying and getting nothing. And the costs....IUI with injectibles was getting to be about half as expensive as IVF and it carried only a 15% success rate vs a 40% success rate with IVF. Jumping to IVF is a difficult decision. The "What If's" are everywhere and around every corner. My biggest concern is that my actions will somehow negatively impact my child (forcing fertilization? forcing pregnancy? etc) My husband thinks my concerns are silly - but I still wonder. Before you jump to IVF, make sure you have a RE that you really believe will provide the best care. Good luck with whatever you decide!

  6. Oh the Darwin line of thought is so slippery I have been too scared to even begin to entertain it... I think if I did I would end up a blubbery mess for a long time. As would most people, I think. I feel a little silly saying Go for IVF! when honestly I feel the same way as you - I am ok with other people doing it, but if it were me I would probably think about it for a long time (I don't think it's WRONG but I would have to think for so long about it, probably going down the same roads as you). Good luck...!


You know you want to tell me how ridiculous I am...