....A healthy dose of "Am I being melodramatic?"
Sometimes, OK, most of the time, I really feel like the answer to that one is a resounding HELL YES. Woe is NOT me. There are way worse things in the world going on than this, and I should be thankful that this is my biggest problem. Or some psychobabble like that.
My second huge bout of batshit crazy is feeling like I'm taking this all way too seriously. Like, I'm still in my 20s (though there's no chance of having a full-term, or even viable at this point, baby while still in my 20s). We don't suffer from any male-factor issues. We've only had ONE failed injectables cycle, and one that isn't really getting off the ground. And even THIS one isn't completely over yet, I'm just flipping out because it's not moving at the time-table that Dr K prefers.
What I mean is, have we given this enough of a chance? Is my ansy-pants neurotic brain giving up too quickly? Am I rushing this process simply because IVF is a completely viable option for us?
Let's recap my batshit craziness.
1. Even though I'm not morally or religiously against it, I can't help but think that IVF is going to make a mutant Dr Boy/Weather Girl hybrid child that will grow up to destroy the universe. Even though it won't do that for anyone else that uses it to get their baby.
2. Am I rushing this process and not giving injectables enough rounds to fight it out?
Ooooh... and one of my favorites that I haven't expanding upon yet...
3. Am I destined to require IVF to make me all of my babies? Because I want three, 'yall. At least two, but I think I'd rather populate the world with three mini-Meier's. You'll thank me later, unless they're universe-destroying hybrids.
And another!
4. What about FET's? Aren't those basically the embryo's that weren't good enough to make the first cut? Are my second and third kids destined to never live up to the first-born, because they were of diminished quality to begin with?
I am so mentally effed up right now. The biggest batshit crazy worry I have right now is #2- Are we giving this enough of a try? And even if we're not, does that really matter? Is it worth going through this mental mind-eff any more months than we have to just to maybe have an IUI work? Is it worth the $$ cost of IVF just to be less mentally effed up and more physically knocked up?
I just don't know.
(Also, a big warm welcome to all of you heading over here from ICLW! Thanks for stopping by, and I hope the mid-cycle crisis you're finding me in this week doesn't scare you away. If anything, it should make you feel better for not being as certifiable as yours-truly! I realized that in my three-word descriptors, I used "keeping sane-ish" as one. Clearly that's not happening so sorry for the mis-label!)
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Happy ICLW to you too. *wink*
ReplyDeleteIt sure does sound like you're going batshit crazy, but it also sounds very normal while on major hormones! LOL. I hope the effects don't last too long.
We've done a few IUI's and 2 IVF and 2 FET and all without any results. I understand the desire to get pregnant NOW as that is exactly what I want too. Do what you gotta do, that's my best advice.
I hate it that you are feeling like this, and that you are having to go through this insanity in general. I think you just brought up a bunch of fears that I also have about the IVF process and how you are to know when the time is right for it.
ReplyDeleteI know your Dr situation is unique, but what you said about his frustration with the pace and responsiveness regarding the injectibles - if your gut is telling you that two tries isn't enough, I would go with that. Hope I didn't misinterpret what you wrote, or even offend you. It's so frustrating when our bodies don't react to something the way it "should".
Hang in there.. you have a huge support system in us bloggy friends :) Hopefully this cycle isn't a total bust - I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
I say trust your gut. It took us 6 IUIs to move on because I wasn't ready to make the leap. While I don't regret it for a second, if I were doing it again, we probably would move on more quickly. The best advice I can give you is don't move onto IVF until you are ready. It is a rough road, very worth it, but hard!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, thank you for your kind words. You always make me feel better.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, I think it's all completely normal and you shouldn't beat yourself up. As hard as it is to do, you have to try to slow down and just take it day by day - when you try to take on too much and look too far ahead, your brain just seems to freak out (and by "your" brain, I mean "mine" since I'm speaking from my experience).
Big hugs! I hope you feel better soon!
You are a little crazy. But aren't we all?
ReplyDeleteI think that since IVF is a viable option for you, you should do it, simply because of the mind-eff. IUI's are always a sort of stepping stone aren't they? How many more do you REALLY want to go through?
And I'm all about a world dominating super-baby.
Here's the deal though. This is an optimistic scenario I'm about to put forth, but I have to.
There is some proof that once your body "knows" how to be pregnant, especially with anovulation issues, it regulates itself better. I'm living proof of that. I had hardcore PCOS and after my miscarriage my cycle has been like clockwork, and I've been ovulating each month.
So there's a chance you may not need IVF for more kids.
(and also, I think, a fairly decent chance that your baby won't turn out to be a super villain)
I love the song you're working on... what happens on the third day of crazy?
ReplyDeleteI think about #3 a lot... like, if it's this much work to have a kid, do I have to do this every time (yes)? And that is so frustrating and exhausting to think about I just try not to. On the plus side, if you find out what works for you, then maybe it will be faster/easier for numbers two and three?
Here from ICLW, and this made me laugh. And think. I never really thought about FETs that way.
ReplyDeleteI think we definitely need some Meier babies in the world, just based on this post alone :)
ICLW #76
Coming from ICLW....FETs are not second grade embies, and anyways, I have seen women get pregnant from FETs and not fresh IVFs, so who knows what works for who....
ReplyDeleteEnjoy the hormones....
iclw #39