SSDD

Our beta fell nice and quickly after the loss, so we were blissfully able to start over and move on to the next cycle soothingly fast. I work best when I have a plan. Moving forward towards the objective is the most effective way to keep me from going crazy. I need a plan, movement, momentum to build.

FET #4... who's excited?

So plan we did. Three weeks of birth control, then back on the estrogen bandwagon. Everything went super well with this cycle, same 9.5mm lining as before, yada yada. I did my pre- and post- transfer acupuncture, got my pineapple all ready, and we went to transfer.

Fabulous transfer socks

Meet the MaybeBabies!

Two lovely looking day 6 blasts survived the thaw, though they were still differentiating at the time of transfer, and not actually hatching yet. Wore lots of comfy socks to keep my feet warm, and resigned myself to a month of avoiding cold foods/beverages to avoid drawing energy away from the womb. Thanks traditional chinese medicine for stealing my ice cream coping mechanism. I had an awful afternoon that day though... some sort of brief food poisoning or something and puked three times. Yay me! The rest of the weekend I laid low and relaxed, turning gloomier by the day as I hadn't felt any of the telltale cramping I did the last two times I got pregnant.

I POASed on Monday, and sadly, nothing was there. I was 4dpt, and had positives both with the mini and with the notbabies at that point. Poop. I was a hormonal wreck and ended up sobbing in front of the new serger sewing machine that I couldn't get to work properly. So that was fun. I felt completely out of control of my emotions. I peed again on Tuesday... and it was positive. The squintiest of squinters, but positive. Same issue as last time though- it showed on a FRER but not the cheapie.

Look at what my pee did!

My heart dropped a little the next day when the line didn't get much darker. By Thursday, it had darkened a bit, but I just didn't have a good feeling. Apparently with good reason. My beta was 29. I had my second beta today, and it's 61. ****

So here's where we are. Same shit, different day. I don't really know what to feel, honestly. Whether I'm 14dpo today, or 15dpo, the number is still quite low when looking at betabase. And beta values typically shoot up more than just double at the beginning. The mini's went from 80 to 202 at that dpo. The notbabies went from 41 to 58. Better trend this time, but not really better numbers.

I don't really know what to think. I don't want to be the ungrateful asshole that is complaining about her doubling betas, but the past is haunting me here. I really just can't believe that we're here again. This is just crazy. Again. What the flying fark. I can't work up anything in the way of excitement over this pregnancy, just ambivalence and a hey pass the wine... oh wait nevermind.

We'll see what we see with Monday's beta I guess. Ultrasound tentatively Monday the 19th, at 6w2d.


****Like last time, these embies were frozen on day 6 when they hit blast. As such, the clinic considers me a 6dt, and the first beta at 7dp6dt (13dpo) and second beta at 9dp6dt (15dpo). HOWEVER, I call bunk on this one and only am giving them 5dt credit. They took longer to hit blast, so why give them an extra day of developmental credit? Nope. Plus it's slighty less bleak to think of my beta values at 12dpo and 14dpo instead.

Officially Over

Things could be better. It's all officially over. We had our second ultrasound at 6w4d, a Wednesday, and there was very little growth of the sacs. Double blight ovums, final answer. Sigh.

I had skipped PIO/Estradiol Valerate the night before because really, I just wanted to kick my body into withdrawal as soon as possible. Brought the meds to the appt just in case something leaned towards hanging on longer, but obviously didn't need that. I'm glad I did. I started spotting Friday, and passed the tissue Sunday. While my parents, brother, and his significant other were all visiting. Fun right???

*M/C TRIGGER WARNING*

Any qualms I had before about calling this a miscarriage are completely gone. I don't think I will ever forget the sensation of passing those clots. There was just so much MORE than I ever imagined there to be. I passed 4 or 5 large clots, maybe the size of a mandarin orange? (If we can measure fetuses by their like-sized fruit, so can we with m/c clots.) It was horrible. And really out of nowhere. I was sitting on the couch, and had been having some lower back cramping all morning, then BAM. Gush. Ran up to the bathroom, and plop. On and on for about 3 or 4 hours. It was horrible. I passed smaller clots through the next day, then just heavy period-like flow with stringy clots for another 4 or 5 days, literally. I stopped bleeding for good Mon or Tues of last week, after 9 days of bleeding. Ugh.

*END GRAPHIC DESCRIPTION*

So that's over. I had three betas to follow it back down and make sure my body got rid of everything. Just 3 days after the loss (May 28), my beta was already down to 264. That is crazy to me. At 11 days past the loss, my beta was down to a frustratingly close 8. Final beta was yesterday, at 15 days past, and down to 5. Not pregnant enough to count as not pregnant.

So that's that. We're hoping to get a cycle together for August. For now, I'm working on getting healthy. Like, for serious. I actually joined a gym.

Yeah. So. Loss. Thanks for the love- I honestly had no idea any of you were still out there in a place you could actually find me! Love to see some of you familiar faces :)

Bad news, bad news

I've been having some pretty severe cramping on and off for a week now. The anxiety of this cycle was seriously making me crazy, and I felt on the verge of a panic attack pretty much constantly. Yesterday I called the clinic, and played up the "do I have an ectopic???" angle, which honestly, was a pretty big concern given the roller coaster betas and cramping. They had me come in today. Dr Boy had to work, so I was solo.

Two empty sacs. Two. Empty. Measured ~6mm each. Two. Same size, so they really did implant around the same time, like I thought they had the night of and day after transfer. They just suck, so nothing grew other than the sac. I'm only 5w6d today, so there is still a chance, albeit extraordinarily small, that something could grow out of this. There could maybe possibly still be a happy ending. But the look on the RE's face really told it all- there is nothing short of a miracle that will bring these babies home to my arms.

At this point, the gestational sac should be 15mm or larger, with a yolk sac, and in most cases, a fetal pole. With the mini Meier, we saw a heartbeat today.


So yeah. What are the odds... two. two empty sacs.

I'm strangely calm about it now, but so, so very heartbroken.

Good News, Bad News

I'm a well-documented pee-a-holic. I managed to hold out until the afternoon of 4dp5dt this time, which is pretty much my norm. It's a squinter, but a second line! A second line! I see it! The internet cheapies sucked balls with this cycle, but the FRER's came through for me. Two lines! They kept getting darker and darker, and I tested through 13dpo, the day after my first beta. Yay for darkening lines!

Getting darker!

First beta was at 7dp5dt, super duper early. I was hoping for 60+, as the mini's beta at 8dp5dt was 80.

It came back at 41. I knew something was wrong. Honestly, my heart sunk that day, even though it was still very early and could have turned out fine. I just didn't feel good about it. Nice sob fest in the crying bathroom at work.

Second beta was at 9dp5dt, and it came back at 58. I knew it. Chemical pregnancy. Again. Just like our first FET almost exactly two years ago. 96 hour doubling time.

Continued meds, get another shitty beta at 11dp5dt, came back at 80. Doubling time 103 hours. For some reason, the RE wanted me to go for just one more. Maybe one implanted early, pooped out, and another implanted late? Ummmmm sure, betas were still awfully low, but sure. We'll entertain this theory while holding absolutely zero hope.

Fourth beta at 13dp5dt came back at 146. What? Doubling time 55 hours. Hmmm.... looking better, but still way way low according to betabase. Not hopeful at all, but increasing enough to keep going. And going.

Sure, things were looking better (except my junkie arms and hands, those were looking very bruised and battered), but I have been in this game long enough to know that recovering betas don't mean a whole lot. Once they look bad, things generally stay bad. I knew we were most likely looking at a blight ovum (empty gestational sac), but man, hope is such a sticky bitch. You can't help wondering if you're going to be that ONE PERSON that they keep the cycle going because bam! A baby showed up! It's a meeeracle! I really, really wanted to be that person, while simultaneously telling myself to stop hoping for the maybebaby to turn into anything. Because it won't. So get your grieving started now.

Second Time Around

I'm just going to skip over the last two years and let you know I had a pretty easy pregnancy after the pleurisy from OHSS went away, and went on to have a very healthy baby boy who is wonderful. He's 15 months old now, and truly, truly is wonderful. We managed to breastfeed for a year, weaning to start the process of trying to make a little brother or sister. My period never came back, thanks PCOS, so off to the RE we went again. Six frosties remained from the retrieval that gave us the mini Meier.

I mostly want to get all this down so I can remember the details of our cycles. TTC again is such a mind fuck. It's slightly easier the second time around, but really, all the same emotions and fears and insecurities are still there. And just as strong. Anyone that says "Well, but at least you have the mini!" doesn't know how that almost makes it worse. We know how amazing this little person is, and how much love and light he brings into our life. We KNOW what we're missing now and what the hole in our lives looks like. It doesn't make us any less grateful and amazed and thankful for him, but damn, I want another. For us, for him. Sigh.

Here's what our calendar looked like this time around.

FET #3 Calendar

I also added in supplements up the wazoo this round to maximize my body's receptiveness.

Morning:   Synthroid
                  Estrace up the vag
Afternoon: Metformin 500mg
                  Vitamin D 1000 iu
                  Calcium/Magnesium/Zinc
                  Folic acid 400mg
                  Estrace up the hatch
Evening:   Metformin 500mg
                  Fish Oil
                  Prenatal Vitamin
                  Aspirin 81mg
                  Estrace up the hatch
                  Progesterone in Oil
                  2x weekly Estradiol Valerate injections

We transferred two hatching embryos on Thursday the 24th as planned, and did the pre- and post-transfer acupuncture. Very relaxing. Very positive. Felt wonderfully positive sharp cramping that night and the next day. These were day 6 embryos, so it netted me a first beta at 7dp6dt, though honestly I have this whole time considered them as if they were day 5 embies. Why give them an extra day of gestational credit when it took them an extra day to hit where they should have been at d5? So from here on out we'll pretend it was a 5dt.

Two hatching 2AA embies, one hatching more than the other

I also wore fancy phoenix socks. Embryos rising from the cryofreeze, no?

Book Review: Here I Go Again

Ever had one of those days where you just wish you could take it all back? A real do-over?

There are some days I wish I could do that with this pregnancy. Don't get me wrong- I have LOVED so, so much of it. And have had a pretty darn easy time of it minus the exhaustion and sausage feet. I just wish I could go back and memorialize more of it. I have done a CRAP job of keeping track of everything, from symptoms, to weekly weight gain, to my general state of mind throughout the process. As we're starting to wrap up (35wks tomorrow!), I'm already getting nostalgic for this pregnancy, and it's not even over...

While not quite the same, though along the lines of a do-over, Jen Lancaster's latest book Here I Go Again addresses the age-old fantasy of returning back in time to "get things right". The main character is the bitchy high school cheerleader, who after attending her 20-yr high school reunion, realizes that maybe the way she's been living her life isn't all that it's cracked up to be. I'm not gonna lie- I had a hard time getting into this one. I really did feel put-off by Lissy's antics, and while I realize that it was the intended reaction to her, I never developed the sense of sympathy and desire for her to work it all out. Who knows... maybe I'm just too scarred from my own junior high and high school bullies to give her a break? :)

The book does a great job of making you root for the ancillary characters though, which was its saving grace for me. Between Lissy's dogged father, the ex-jock husband, the life-coach guiding her journey, and the music-geek across the street, the supporting cast really made the whole thing worth it to me. The book is overall a light, quick read, and a nice distraction from life for a few nights- grab it when you need to escape from a stressful day at work! (and I promise, there is only one IF reference, but it doesn't sting badly)

Check out the discussion that Blog Her has going for the book... there should be some interesting discussions over the next couple of weeks!

This is a paid review for BlogHer Book Club but the opinions expressed are my own.

Book Review: Reflected In You

So!

I was super excited to find out I'd been selected to be a part of another campaign through the BlogHer book club- this time reading the novel "Reflected in You", by Sylvia Day. This happens to be the second installment of the Crossfire series, which tells the story of the relationship and romance between Eva and Gideon, as they meet and fall in love in New York City.

I had heard some hype about the books earlier this year, as the first novel (Bared to You) was released in the midst of the 50 Shades craze, and this series definitely fits into that same genre. After receiving the book (and the 1st as well, so that I'd be properly caught up!), I immediately noticed that the covers, I have to assume intentionally, mimicked the iconic 50 Shades covers, and groaned. (though marketing associates everywhere cheered that their ploy worked!) While I enjoyed those for what they were- smutty mindless entertainment, I was really hoping for more with these two books.

They delivered. While still reminiscent of the romance between Ana and Christian, I was immediately much more drawn to Eva and Gideon as characters. While still flawed and overbearing, I felt Gideon came across as much more endearing, and genuine in his affection for Ana, more of true relationship with give and take rather than the domineering I OWN YOU feel from 50. Even better? Eva has a backbone. As long as you don't give her sexy eyes. Then the backbone melts away. Both characters are survivors of childhood sexual abuse, and their relationship is not only a love story, but the story of their healing those wounds and closing the door on the past.

And yeah, the sexy time was hot :) So bonus there. Let's be honest, you're not going to read this series for much more than the lusty feelings it invokes, so it better do it well. And it does. Without leaving the women's rights movement in the dust. The only real flaw I found with these two books? The final installment doesn't come out until *after* the mini is born in 2013... Sounds about right to read near my <cough cough> 6-wk post-partum check up, eh???

This was a paid review for the BlogHer Book Club but all opinions expressed are my own.

To Know, or Not To Know

Not even a question. We had our anatomy scan two weeks ago, at 19 weeks 4 days. I had planned from the get-go to keep the gender of the mini Meier a surprise. With all the planning and preparing and information that went into and was gleaned through the IVF experience, it meant so much to me to give up this piece of control. I wanted the focus of these months to be making room in our home and lives for a baby, not whether my MIL would be able to buy baseball jerseys or ballet slippers.

I love the idea of going through the birth process and having a doctor hold up our brand new baby and exclaim "It's a XXX!" I love picturing how our lives will unfold with our child, regardless of gender, as most of the things we want to involve our child in will happen regardless of its teeny peenie or vageenie. (yep I said that)

Dr Boy, however, was not in love with the idea. His thirst for knowing ALL THE THINGS was a huge obstacle in my plan to wait. We talked about it a lot, and he's come to terms with waiting. I know, that sounds awful, but it's not, I promise. I made sure that the same future he was envisioning with a child would be the same regardless of gender. I know this whole waiting thing is a sacrifice he's making for me, and it's huge.

And I love him for defending our choice when people say stupid sheet like "but how ever will you decorate the room??? Or buy clothes???"

Because that's just not what it's about. And I don't want that to get lost.

-----------------------------------

DISCLAIMER: I totally don't judge the knowing! It's just not for me/us. But yay Team Blue or Team Pink to all of you that went that route! And yay healthy babies.

DISCLAIMER #2: I've got another post coming up tonight as part of a book review sponsor thingy... I promise I won't let it be the only thing I post for an entire season this time though!

It's so hard (blah blah blah)

I've come to realize that one of the reasons I've been avoiding this space is guilt. Guilt over this pregnancy, over making it, complication free, as far as we have, when so many others have not. I've read so many times this exact kind of post from a newly pregnant IF blogger, and rolled my eyes at the "It's so hard to be pregnant finally wah wah woe is me" platitudes. I can't help it, I'm snarky, and it just comes so *easily* to me. (shocker, I know)

But now that I'm here, I feel a lot of those same things. I want to talk ad naseum about the mini, post pictures, record symptoms, talk about plans. I can't help it. It's where I am right now. Which has made me think a lot about this blog, which has thus far been an infertility blog with random bits of outside life thrown in. Mostly? I don't want to feel ashamed to talk about something I am incredibly grateful to have achieved, and am thrilled to be experiencing.

What I've ultimately decided is that this is where I *want* to record all of that- bump pics, ultrasounds, nursery plans, cloth diapering, and hopefully? Baby pics, breastfeeding woes, and what it's like to finally have our child in our arms. So I will. This is my little corner of the interwebs, for better or for worse, and I don't want to move url's every time our lives take on a different focus. I like the continuity.

I totally get the unfollow. Though let's be honest, I've been MIA for three months so I think that particular ship has sailed anyways. I'll unabashedly talk about the pregnancy and the baby, because it's what inspires me right now.

And please, please don't accuse me of infertility amnesia. I will never forget what it felt like to get to this place, and I'm fairly certain that we'll be here again when we're ready for another. I'll continue to root for those of you I've connected with along this journey, no matter what stage you are in as well. This is the goal, right? To get to this place? And even further, with an actual real live baby at home snuggling and cooing and burping at us?

And I'm still terrified that every twinge, every trip to the bathroom, every ultrasound, every EVERYTHING, will result in the other shoe dropping and knocking us out of this game. 

If I say something, or complain about something, please know that I'm still inherently grateful to be where we are, feeling what we are, good and bad.

But I still get to complain. That comes easily to me too.

Grateful (w bump pic)

<tap tap> Is this thing on???

I'm still here, trucking away. I am incredibly grateful to be able to say that we are still pregnant, and complication free thus far. I'm 19 weeks and 2 days today, and so, so appreciative that we have been able to make it this far.

It was a ridiculously busy last three months. A lot of these things need separate posts, but in a nutshell, we've:

- Dealt with a severe case of pleurisy between wks 7-10 of pregnancy, requiring three x-rays, a CT scan, and narcotics. (Mom of the year!)

- Moved out of our rental and into a hotel because our house wasn't built in time and our lease was up.

- Switched hotel rooms because the suite was double-booked for part of our stay

- Moved into our brand new house after 31 lovely days in the hotel.

- Had various contractors in and out of our brand new house nearly daily, because it still wasn't done when we moved in but we were D-O-N-E with hotel living.

- Progressed fairly easily through the end of the first tri and start of the second with no real issues so far. EXCEPT for this lovely pubic bone pain, known as Symphysis Pubis Diastasis. It sucks balls. Totally not round ligament pain, just it's own special pubic bone ligament. Ow. 

- Went to San Diego for a week. 

And other awesome stuff. We passed our NT scan with flying colors, came out to the world about the pregnancy, and have our gender scan on Wednesday (though we're not going to peek at the bits, keeping it a surprise for the birth). I *may* have even felt the mini move two weeks ago today, though it has yet to give me a repeat performance. Stupid anterior placenta of doom!

Thanks to all of you who have emailed checking in on me- it's very much appreciated! I'll get back to my regularly scheduled programming now, and keep ya'll much more up to date. I don't want to let this slide again and miss out on remembering this pregnancy. 

18 weeks, 6 days bumpdate
(in the crying bathroom)

It's ME time- w DOVE Bodywash

I have never been a morning person. For as long as I can remember, even if I woke up early, I would lay in bed, postponing the day as long as possible. (i believe this is when i honed my supersonic hearing, eavesdropping on the rest of the house) Mornings? Not me time. More like, let me sleep time.

One of the few pleasures I take in the am is my shower. Long, luxurious, hot- love it. I could stay in for hours. When DOVE gave me the opportunity to enjoy that shower time a little more by reviewing their new line of body wash? Yes please!

I was lucky enough to try the Dove Softening Body wash, part of their VisibleCare line with Nutrium Moisture. I have GOT to say- this review could not have come at a better time. One of the most annoying side effects of the estrace pills I've been taking for the IVF cycle is that is dries me out like the Sahara. I'm thirsty all the time, and I'm practically drinking lotion. You know when you can just feel the ashiness on your legs and arms? The itchy dryness? Yeah. That.

Swear I'm not just overly emoting myself, but this Dove stuff is a lifesaver. It's so thick it looks like lotion coming out, smells amazing, and seriously lets the moisture sink into my arms and legs. The scent is so much that my sensitive first trimester nose can't handle it, and lingers into the morning. I still need to lotion a bit in the morning, but if I'm running late? No biggie. (Bonus? It works as a great shaving cream in a pinch!)

It claims that you can see visible improvement in just 7-days. No joke, you really can. Or rather, I really could. I'm adding this one to my list of IVF/FET must haves.

Even better? Dove is giving YOU a chance to win a $500 SpaFinder gift card! Just answer this question:

What is your favorite part of your morning routine?

Ooooh! And a coupon!!

Visit Dove^® VisibleCare^® to get a coupon for $1 off!

Enter to win one of two $500 Spafinder gift certificates!
NO PURCHASE NECESSARY
COMMENTS TO THIS POST ARE NOT SWEEPSTAKES ENTRIES. PLEASE SEE BELOW FOR ENTRY METHODS FOR THIS SWEEPSTAKES.
You may receive (2) total entries by selecting from the following entry methods:
a) Follow this link, and provide your email address and your response to the Promotion prompt
b) Tweet (public message) about this promotion; including exactly the following unique term in your tweet message: "#SweepstakesEntry"; and then visit this link to provide your email address and the URL to that Tweet.
c) Blog about this promotion, including a disclosure that you are receiving a sweepstakes entry in exchange for writing the blog post, and then visit this link to provide your email address and the URL to that post.
This giveaway is open to US Residents age 18 or older. Winners will be selected via random draw, and will be notified by e-mail. Winners will have 72 hours to claim the prize, or an alternative winner will be selected.
The Official Rules are available here.
This sweepstakes runs from 7/18/2012 - 8/22/2012
Be sure to visit the Dove^® VisibleCare™ Crème Body Wash brand page on BlogHer.com where you can read other bloggers’ reviews and find more chances to win!

Quick updates (6w6d)

We still have a heartbeat!! Our ultrasound yesterday went perfectly.

- The mini-Meier measured 6w4d (7.4mm, or the size of a pea), rather than the 6w5d it should have been, but totally within acceptable margins right now. No worries whatsoever.

- We didn't measure the heart rate or anything, so I am blissfully unaware on that front. We did see it's flickering though which is AMAZING. I'm hoping it's more clear on the video this time.

- Dr S gave us a 5% or less chance of miscarriage at this point, based on structure, size, and presence of a HB. 1 in 20 is still huge, but I am breathing a little more easily now.

- Our next ultrasound is scheduled for two weeks from today, Aug 3rd at 8w6d. It'll be graduation day! Very bittersweet, though I'm not getting worked up about it yet because fourteen days is a LOT of days to get through.

- I made our OB appointment. HFS. Three weeks from today (bonus is it'll only be one week after the graduation u/s). It'll be the day before we leave for a week of vacation, so we'll be able to leave with a (small) sense of security. If we make it that far, that is. FX.

- Good luck socks, as always!

My Goddess of Heartbeats

Sorry for the delay in updating!

Hey, also! I had an awesome opportunity to write a guest post yesterday for Bloggers For Hope! It was started by a group of women going through different infertility issues, and gives a great varied perspective on treatments and alternative options such as adoption and living child-free. I highly suggest checking them out.

I got to write a post on my favorite topic- the unglamorous side of IVF treatments :)


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(pardon my next post- it'll be the review for my freebie bodywash)

#hope WINNER

We had twelve comments on the giveaway post, with 11 entries. Trusty Random.org picked the winner this morning!

Lucky Number 11!

And the shirt goes to Deanna! Congrats! Deanna just gave birth to her second beautiful boy, Madden, at 28 weeks after a very complicated (to put it lightly) FET pregnancy. She could sure use some #hope right now with gorgeous little M in the NICU for the months to come.

I do wish each and every one of you could have won the shirt- you each have been through so much, and deserve a win so badly. Here's hoping that the next win that arrives in your circle is a bfp :)

I encourage each of you to check out the #hope t-shirts from Jen at CafePress- they are super awesome... as long as you don't have a giant rack and IF-obesity problem :)

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In other news, I'm still fairly symptom free (6w3d today), though I feel like the nausea isn't far away. Or I need to eat smaller portions. Either way. We have our next u/s on Thursday afternoon to take a peek at the Mini Meier, then one last RE visit before graduation. Which is ridiculous. There's no way *I* should be graduating from an RE. Or making an appt with an OB, which I also did (Aug 10 @ 10wks). Ridiculous.

Last Chance! #hope giveaway

You only have 15 1/2 more hours to enter the giveaway for a #hope t-shirt!!

Gorgeous green!

Size XL!

Now, if you're worried about this baby being too big, consider these two things:

1. You are trying to GET PREGNANT. Big, roomy things feel good when you're pregnant.
2. For serious, it's not an XL. I measured it, right around the #hope wording (chest). It's a paltry THIRTY SIX INCHES across. Not so much the 46-48" that CafePress advertised, eh? (really, AA? you thought that was even close? i wasn't kidding when I said these 38dd's weren't squeezing into that thing) That, my dears, is actually smaller than the KIDS XL sizing that CafePress details. But enough about that.


Just enter an email address ON THIS POST to win! And yes, I'll (gulp) ship internationally :)
If you enter your email address I *might* add it to the list... but I'll do it begrudgingly.

Good luck! Winner announced tomorrow!

Grateful (5w6d)

...birds chirping...

Oh hey! Were you guys waiting, for like, an update or something?

Ooops!

We have a heartbeat. One, beautiful, teensy tiny, fluttering heartbeat.

When we got to the RE, they did the standard weight (ugh) and blood pressure, which was amazingly 120/80, truly miraculous considering I'd been having heart palpitations since the night before. We went back to the room, donned our fancy socks (and by our I mean my), photographed said fancy socks, and got to business.

Even the moo-cow looks ascared.

I started sobbing the minute Mr Wanderful came into play, and couldn't bring myself to look at the screen. As soon as the RE said "I win! One beautiful sac!" I turned, and, well, shocker, sobbed even harder as I saw the dark gestational sac with the yolk sac in the middle. We zoomed a little more, and saw a little flicker. Which sent me into sobs again, so I held my breath and watched a little spot just above the yolk sac flash. No measurements were taken of anything, as this is MUCH earlier than my clinic usually scans anything, so I don't have numbers.

5w6d

You can kindof see the yolk sac on this scan, though the top and bottom parallel lines are most prevalent with the rest of the circle a lighter grey. The fetal pole is damn near impossible to see, but in the video below if you look right there at the beginning of the video, you can see it flickering. I think the flicker closer to the bottom of the gestational sac is my uterine wall contracting. We should be able to see a wee bit more on Thursday, when we go in for a 6w5d scan. (we kept the original appointment just in case we couldn't see the hb today)

It would appear that we're growing a little human. For the first time ever, I'm truly, truly, positively, growing a Mini Meier.

(so i know you can seriously barely see the flickering fetal pole on the resolution of that video but i swear on my iphone it's there. we'll get better evidence next week)

Less than 2 days (20dp5dt, beta #4)

I had my fourth (and hopefully final!) beta draw today, and it would appear we are still pregnant and on track!

Recap:
Beta One (8dp5dt or 13dpo): 80
Beta Two (10dp5dt or 15dpo): 202 (doubling time 36 hrs)
Beta Three (15dp5dt or 20dpo or 4w6d): 1,845 (doubling time 38 hrs)
Beta Four (20dp5dt or 25 dpo or 5w4d): 8,769 (doubling time 53 hrs)

From BabyMed

Crazy J was hoping for something over 10K at this point, but based on average doubling times with such high values, it does seem as though we're still good. It's freaky to see the doubling time slowly drop off, even though I know it's completely normal.

Symptoms are still few and far between. Cramping has diminished significantly, I'm still exhausted as all hell, my boobs hurt (worst in the morning), and the heartburn picks up about an hour after I take my estrace pills. So yeah. Pretty much just the tired as far as things I can't blame on meds.

I alternate between extraordinarily anxious about Friday's ultrasound, and extraordinarily meh. I want to know desperately, but I also want to live in this la-la land of blissful unawareness. I mean, in 44 hours, we'll know something.

44 hours. Ack!

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(hey also, i'll be posting a sponsored review some time this week, and i just wanted to promise this isn't going to turn into a review blog! it was a good opportunity to try out some free stuff and get paid to write an opinion on it. so yeah, promise we're not commercializing the madness any time soon.)

#hope (giveaway!)

It's no secret that I've found a love for the twitterers over the last year, where there is so much support from those willing to life you up when you don't have the strength to do so yourself. Between you guys, the twitters, Dr Boy, and my family and friends, I've stayed as sane as can be through these last three and a half years of infertility BS.

There's a common hashtag out there we use, when those lose hope for themselves, or we manage to find a smidgen left in the tanks.

#hope

It's good for a lot of things, huh?

A great blogger and twitterer, Jen, organized a fundraiser during National Infertility Awareness Week (you know, that thing that I totally ignored because I suck as an IF advocate?) through CafePress. T-shirts were available for purchase, with proceeds from each shirt going to Resolve, a non-profit providing support services and advocacy for our cause.

#hope

Because I love a feel-good excuse to spend my monies (cute shirt! $$ towards charity!!), I ordered my awesome Men's XL American Apparel shirt, planning on wearing it to my retrieval for the Redux. CafePress advertises their Men's XL as having a chest of 46-48", so even this 38DD girl seemed safe.

Yeah, not so much. American Apparel lies like a lying liar. The thing barely covers my left boob... and that was BEFORE the progesterone and hcg kicked in.

Pants on Fire

But my loss is your GAIN!

I'm now giving away my Men's XL #hope shirt to a lucky commenter :)

To celebrate what may (or may not) be seen on Friday.
To celebrate getting further in this game than we ever have before.
To celebrate hope for all of us in the trenches!

Leave a comment with your email address for an entry. One entry per person. Entries will be accepted until 11:59 PDT Monday, July 16th. I'll do that random number generator thingy to select the winner and announce that Tuesday.

Good luck to all, and have #hope!!!


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The liars at American Apparel have no idea who I am, nor does Jen, nor does CafePress. Opinions are all mine, and no one paid me to do this. Disclaimer blah blah.

Ramblings

- I may have been unclear in my previous post- I'm not necessarily hoping for a twin pregnancy. I'm merely sad for an embryo that may or not have made it, like the last six we've transferred, and the twenty or so that weren't deemed "transfer quality." It truly, truly breaks my heart that we've lost so many in our battle so far. Emily wrote about something related once, about wondering "what could have been" with embryos that don't fit the criteria for transfer. All I want is a drama-free, healthy pregnancy with (a) healthy (child) children to take home at the end of this. OBVIOUSLY. I'm still just sad for what we've lost along the way.

- This also makes me extremely anxious about the quality of the REST of our frozen six. Yes, I know, cart before the horse BIG TIME. But yeah, as far as we know, we're 1 for 7, transfer-wise. Ugh. Yes, the ONE is what counts, but I'd like more children down the road. So yeah. Just have lots fluttering through my brain.

- Pregnancy-wise (really? me? i must be talking about someone else), the only issues have been with fatigue so far. I know it's SUPER early (I'm 5w1d today!), so not much to expect. My witching hours seem to fall between 3pm-8pm, where if I don't get a nap, I'm mega-bitch. I'm also still having the issues with mega bloat and discomfort, worst in the evenings. The muscles just below my ribcage are ridic sore, and I can't arch my back to stretch without pain. I'm curious to see how big my ovaries are when we have our Friday u/s.

- Someone not being willing to take on the same risks are others are does not make them an asshat. Or wrong. Or immoral. Risk-taking is a personal decision. And last I checked, it's a woman's right to chose what she does with her body- and noone else's. We all have different opinions on what is safest for ourselves and families, and we're allowed to act accordingly. Noone should be forced into a situation they are not comfortable with and unprepared for. Period. I know these are highly emotional situations, but please just respect what others are going through. And gah. Over it.

- I'm sure I've alienating myself from pretty much every non-pregnant/parenting reader with all my bitching and moaning, but seriously, pregnancy after IF is hard stuff. And I don't even feel right calling myself pregnant yet, because I don't feel like I'm anything more than uncomfy after retrieval and that someone else's pee and blood managed to make their way into my tests. Maybe on Friday things will feel different. Hopefully there's something to even feel different about.

Yep, still pregnant (15dp5dt, beta #3)

I took ya'lls advice and pretty much stopped peeing on things. I did break down yesterday because I was having a bout of the crazies (shocker, i know), and used another 33c cheapie- the line came up so fast I could hardly blink :) And it was as dark as the control line, so yay that!

I had been having some serious anxiety this week about the "delayed" ultrasound, so I sucked it up and emailed my doctor about coming in on the originally intended date- Friday the 13th. Because he's awesome, he said yes! Whoop! At that point, though, I felt so tremendously guilty about going over the nurse's head that I couldn't bring my sissy ass to call and schedule it, so I did what any self-respecting, strong, independent woman would do.

I made my husband call  :) Between that and the foot rubs? He's a keeper! My first ultrasound is now scheduled for Friday the 13th at 7am pdt.

This is all a VERY good thing, because my beta today threw things up in the air again. Good things, but things nonetheless. It came back at 1845 (doubling time 38 hours)- now a bit above the twin average, both for actual betas and doubling time, according to Betabase.

Recap:
Beta One (8dp5dt or 13dpo): 80
Beta Two (10dp5dt or 15dpo): 202
Beta Three (15dp5dt or 20dpo or 4w6d): 1,845

From BabyMed.com

Please don't hate me for saying this, and I know anyone that's not pregnant/parenting yet will want to punch me in the face, but I was actually pretty upset at the possibility of having a singleton. Yep, I said it. Hear me out though.

It's not that I wasn't grateful- seriously, I am astounded to be where I am right now, incredibly grateful, and so happy to be enjoying each and every day that I can call myself pregnant. I've never been able to do that before, and will cherish it as much as possible. What was getting me down was the loss of another embryo. I know it is all still hypothetical until the u/s (and birth, really), but I was feeling a lot of sadness that yet another little piece of Dr Boy and myself had pooped out. That I had failed it. I have so much sadness in me for all of the embies that didn't make it, and having yet another to add to that list made me pretty upset.

Like I said, half of you are pissed off at me now, and I get that. I'd be pissed of at me too if the roles were reversed. But, it's how I was/am(?) feeling, so I wanted to get it down. Because I think it's ok to be sad for what we've lost AND be thrilled and grateful for what we have. Both, at the same time, and neither one diminishes the other.

So yeah. I'm trying not to get my hopes up for *anything* in particular, just an intrauterine pregnancy that looks on track one week from now. And for you all to understand and not call me a selfish ingrate.


(oh and remind me to tell you soon about how I swear I'm developing late-onset mild OHSS, if that's even frickin' possible)

Houston, we have a doubler (10dp5dt, beta #2)

Great news from our beta yesterday. It came back at 202!

That's a doubling time of 36 hours.

I take a double-double, please!
From BabyMed.com

We are, for the time being, growing a little human in my belly. Go figure! The levels continue to be above average for a singleton, but below average for twins. I'm going to call "just one" for now, and see what happens. I am so so grateful to be here.

The MAJOR downside to today has been scheduling the first ultrasound. Originally, the clinic said I could come in at 5w6d, on Friday the 13th (which I consider an incredibly lucky day). When I called to make the appt today, the nurse wouldn't even consider it. She said that they'd "let" me come in early than they'd like, at 6w5d, Thursday the 19th. I, of course, lost my shit and started shaking/crying, because that's what I do best. I know there isn't much to see that early, but honestly, I'm already dying knowing I have to wait that long to find out how many and whether they're in the right spot. And to have gotten my hopes up, thinking I'm already three days into this next infernal TWW, only to have it turn into 17 days from now?

I'm gonna die.

But oh gee, to make it less difficult, they'll let me go in for some extra betas. Instead of Thursday, I'm supposed to go in on Friday for my third, and next Wed the 11th for a fourth.

That's not going to help. My betas still rose when I had my chemical, so that doesn't really help. I'm just mad that I was told one thing, then was switched to one week later.

Please, I know there's not much to see. All I wanted was to see a sac in the right spot, and to know how many sacs there are.

And don't hate me for bitching about the downfalls of being pregnant- I'm just hormonal and super frustrated, and so terribly anxious, and terrified this is all going to come crashing down. It's hard switching your mindset. And I'm scared.