Thursday, March 1, 2012

5 weeks "Pregnant" (15dp6dt, 4th beta)

Awww, how naive I was at 13dpo, thinking that a negative beta meant a negative beta. So young, so impressionable.

I think it's funny that today, at 21dpo, I am technically 5 weeks pregnant. I still have positive hpt's, positive beta's, just not positive *enough*. Our line isn't getting too much darker, and is still way lighter than the control line. You don't have to squint or adjust the contrast on photos, though, so that's something.

I had my blood drawn this morning, and despite needing two of those rubber bandy thingies to constrict my upper arm, it blissfully required only one poke (chronically deep and difficult veins). We'll see what we see in a few hours when the results come in. When I spoke to the RE on Monday, he said we're looking for something over 60 AT LEAST, but he'd like to see something closer to 100. Even that's not a guarantee though, as we could still be dealing with a blighted ovum or ectopic. All super fun options.


I find myself focused on the phrase "product of conception" today. Because we did, you know, conceive. We have something, comprised of Dr Boy's and my DNA, growing inside of me. It's giving me intense lower abdominal cramps, it's making my nipples ridiculously sensitive, and it's turning my nose into the Super Sniffer. It might not be our take home baby, but it's there. And that freaks me out. Hence the 5 weeks "pregnant". Because I am. I'm terrified of what we're going to need to do to make this go away, if it isn't anything good. Cancer drugs? D&C? Is "it" even big enough for that? All of these thoughts terrify me and make me indescribably full of sorrow. It makes me want to just ride it out, as if time is all we need for the outcome to change.

I never thought I'd wish for a plain and simple negative beta. Never in a million years.

Sad Face. (also, the bathroom I cry in at work)

18 comments:

  1. This is a shitty situation you're going through and I'm very sorry for you. Yes, who would of thought a negative beta would be preferable to something.

    I'm hoping and praying for a good beta for you though. Stranger things have happened!

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  2. I'm really hoping that you get a miracle and that this pregnancy turns out to be viable. Whatever the outcome, though, I hope you get some definitive answers soon. I'm so sorry that you're stuck in this awful place of uncertainty.

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  3. When our IVF nurse told us there were three outcomes to a beta: pregnant, not pregnant, and maybe or kinda pregnant I thought she was a little bit crazy. After all, I knew EVERYTHING. Then it happened to me after beta #2 on our first cycle- maybe she wasn't so crazy after all. It would be a hell of a lot easier if there were just two answers though. This 'maybe' BS toys with the emotions WAY too much. Thinking of you and hoping for a great beta today, and if not that, some concrete answers about what comes next.

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  4. While I totally hope things work out positively, I'm really hoping that things are settled for you as quickly as possible. Thinking about you lots. Hugs :)

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  5. Hoping for a quick answer for you. This really sucks to be stuck in this place you are. Thinking of you...

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  6. I'm sorry you are STILL in limbo. I hope you get answers, one way or the other, soon.

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  7. I can not begin to express how sorry I am. I was in the exact same spot you are in only a month ago. I sincerely hope that your outcome is different from mine. In the meantime, please take care of yourself.

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  8. My thoughts are with you during this time. I really hope this ends up being a positive answer for you.

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  9. So frustrating! I'm sorry you're going through this. It truly blows. Big time.

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  10. P.S. Way off topic, but your eyebrows look FABULOUS in your photo. Do you have them done or is that all your handiwork?

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    1. Lol! I was going to comment on the eyebrows, too! I'm really hoping this beta brings some final answers and you have a chance to finally sleep soundly. Big hugs to you, pretty eyebrow lady.

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  11. With all this bs, your happy ending is somewhere. Maybe not inside you yet, but in the universe just waiting in the wings.

    Ps. Thx for the bathroom pic. I am totally posting one next week after I cry my eyes out in the handicapped stall!

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  12. I hope they don't wait all day to get you the results. I'm not sure what to hope for in this situation, this just sucks, and the waiting sucks. I guess I'll hope that time passes quickly for you.

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  13. I am so sorry you are stuck in limbo. I have been in a similar situation and there are no words to describe what an awful place it is. Hoping you get some answers soon.

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  14. So unfair, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm hoping for a miracle, and either way, FAST results!

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  15. This must be so difficult. I hope that they can give you a more definite answer soon. Keeping you in my thoughts...

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  16. Im really sorry you're going through this, though FWIW, ive miscarried at 5, 6 and 8 weeks and never had a D&C...tho @ 8 I probably should have. 5 & 6 weeks is just heavy bleeding, it sucks and ull need a shot if ure at risk for rh issues, but you wont need to "do" anything.

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  17. Hoping you have some answers at this point and that you will soon be out of limbo. Sorry you are going through this, it really sucks.

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You know you want to tell me how ridiculous I am...