7DPO. I'm bored.

The TWW is so very, very boring. You can't drink, you don't get wanded, you don't have to worry that you're drinking enough water to keep the blood draw from being a debacle.What is there to do, you ask? See how long it takes your HCG trigger to leave the bloodstream. Just to make absolute *sure* you're not some freak-of-nature trigger-holder-onto-er.

Cropped so you don't have to see the pee side of the stick. You're welcome.

As you can see, I am not. Phew! This morning (the bottom stick), there was an extremely faint line that the camera didn't pick up, but I'm content that it's gone. It's funny how exciting it is to see two lines show up on one of those things, even if it's only because you injected the damn hormone it reads into your ass. Or rather had your own personal Dr Boy do it. Same deal. Even funnier is how exciting it is to slowly see the line go away!


Now that it's gone, I'm IMPATIENTly waiting for it to come back. We'll see how I do staying away from testing this weekend... Only symptoms right now include sore boobs. Since 3DPO. I'm sure that's just the progesterone the corpus luteum is releasing, and it's a bit reassuring actually. Something to prove my body just *might* be spitting out what it's supposed to.

For now, I have the next few days to get the house ready to host my BIL and SIL for the long weekend. We're having a BBQ at the house on Sunday, too, so there's list-making, shopping, cleaning, and organizing to do for that.

Happy Hump-Day, everyone!

Thought Vomit Thursday

Yes, I know it's Friday, but as Oak and Natalie have said numerous times, there are no rules to TVT! The only rule of TVT is to spew whatever's on your mind at the time, and to use bullets.

Here I go!

- My boobs started hurting yesterday, which makes me fairly certain that I ovulated on Wednesday right on schedule for the IUI. This makes me happy :) It also leads me to believe that my corpus luteum is doing what it's supposed to, becoming a little progesterone factory until something else can take over. There's hope for me yet! (all that to say i'm 2dpo)

- I'm hpt-ing until I get a solid BFN, just so I know for certain that the HCG trigger has left my bloodstream. I've done two so far, both positive. It's a little unnerving getting a BFN for the first time ever- even though I know it's a big fat lie. I don't mind wasting the tests, because we all know I'm crazy and have a zillion of them.

- My life has been forever changed by this post. Mind. Blown.

- I would really love for the stim-bloat to GO the eff AWAY. I'm still up a solid 5 pounds from the day I took my first shot, 16 days ago.

- I'm hosting a Labor Day BBQ next weekend. That means that lots of people will be in my house. Which means I should probably finish unpacking all the boxes that I've avoided for the last four months. To motivate ourselves, we decided that we'd hire a house-cleaning service to do the cleaning as long as ALL THE BOXES ARE UNPACKED. I made the appt, so I now have a LOT to do in the next week.

- I'm hosting a Labor Day BBQ next weekend. That also means I need to buy a big folding table so I can actually serve people food. I also want to make sangria, so I need a dispenser for that too. Any suggestions.

- Related, I am in need of a good sangria recipe. STAT.

That's all the vom I've got for now. If you're on the east coast, enjoy Irene! I wish I were there to experience it too.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Just keep swimming swimming

My lovely friend N sent this to me today-
isn't the look on that guy's face classic? Love it!

We are officially two week waiting! Took the juice to the clinic at 7:40am, and we were back in the room by 8:30am doing the dirty with a catheter. Dr Boy was able to go, which made me happy. It also made HIM happy to hear that the count was over 20 million with over 50% motility. Post-wash. Glad ONE of us works right ;)

Dr Poor bedside manner (who is actually really awesome now that he knows DH is a dr) did the insemination as awesome Dr K is still on leave. While he was gentle, I still felt crampy all day. I'm the girl who thinks pap smears hurt and cause cramping, so it's no surprise that it's still on the uncomfortable side. If THIS hurts, I don't even want to imagine what's gonna happen in 9 months. But I digress. (who says digress? really.)

I'm amazed at how quickly it went by. I did get to lay around for 10-15 minutes, and was told to come back in 2 weeks for a blood test. Dr PBM is pretty convinced I'll either end up pregnant (he said he really liked my follicles) or get my period in 2 weeks. I was skeptical based on my long-ass cycles before, but he seems to think that based on the kind of induced O we for sure had, AF will come a knockin' at the right time. Though hopefully the right time will be some time in 2012 or 13 :) Oh, and he doesn't think we need any sort of progesterone supplements for now, so I'm hoping he's right.

Ahhhhh!!!!!!!! What the HECK am I going to do to distract myself now?????

Thundercats are GO!

Just when you think a cycle is a complete bust, your ovaries up and go "Oh yeah? Let's go to TOWN!"

Friday was spent in a depressed funk with lots of crying.

Saturday was spent lazing around then running into Dr Poor Bedside Manner at a new physician's dinner.

Sunday was spent at a BBQ with one of Dr Boy's old med school friends- and his 7 months pregnant wife. And their 18 month old daughter. Gah. I didn't get any IF pangs from them until they started talking about how they wanted to have 3 or 4 kids and a big family. I kept thinking that "Wow, wouldn't it be nice to want to have a big family and actually be able to HAVE SEX to accomplish that?" That's what got me most of all.

So except for Friday, I spent the weekend pretty zen about the whole thing, relatively speaking. I had psyched myself up for failure today. I even felt pretty crampy all weekend (still do, in fact), convinced I was about to have a 12 day cycle and get my period this week. I was fully prepared to FIGHT for the RIGHT to keep injecting myself with hormones just to SEE if it was even possible to get a party started down in O town. Dr Poor Bedside Manner was nice this morning and we talked about the dinner the previous weekend as he got started and was taking my lining measurement. We're cool with eachother now :)

9mm. He's all "ooooh, nice! You've gained 2mm since Friday, which is a good sign!" I replied with "A lot of good that'll do when my follies laugh at us."

Then he got to righty- and I could immediately see some action! He measured, and there was a 14mm and a 10mm follie!!! Woohoo! At the very least, there was enough going on to continue the menopur, and all was not lost! I nearly started crying with excitement.

Then he got to lefty. Which requires a little pushing on my stomach and very uncomfortable shoving of the wand deep into my belleh. Ow. But you know what? It was worth it when the GIANT follie showed up!!!! There was an 18mm follie up in there!!! EFF YEAH!!!! There was also another 10mm.

The moral of the story: Don't bitch when you're only on day 9 of stims and nothing's going on yet. Your ovaries are probably just lazy sacks of drama. We're triggering tonight, and will have one nice follie to depend on. There's a *chance* that the 14mm will grow like a mother effer in the mean time, but probably will be immature. That's a-o-k for us. All it takes is one :)

So yeah. Insemination scheduled for Wednesday am. And Dr Boy will be able to show up for the party, which is pretty awesome. Nice to have a chance at getting pregnant with your husband actually in the room (though I hear it's overrated).

I am SO happy I can't even tell you. I know there's still a good chance that I will end up NOT knocked up in two weeks (anyone know the success rates of IUI with injectables?), but at least, for the first time, there's actually the possibility of it happening. And while I know I'll be bitching about a BFN in two weeks, remind me that we're actually moving in the right direction. And over the next two weeks, please, please, keep me sane.

As if that's possible :)

Fort Knox

Apparently it's like Fort Knox up in my lady business. The ovaries? They be unstimmed. 

The RE that saw me (not my usual Dr K) didn't see anything measurable on righty (less than 9mm he said), and only one on lefty around 8-9mm. He didn't bother to measure that one either. The plan is to continue 2 vials of menopur each night and come back in on Monday. He seemed pretty certain that we'd end up canceling altogether on Monday.

Big sad face. I asked if we could go up to 3 vials and see if that gets us anywhere, and he said "No, 'cause then we'd just end up with 10 follies." While I don't want to mistrust his medical opinion, since that's what he does for a living and all, I just wonder if upping the dose would make things go crazy in lady town. If two vials isn't doing ANYTHING, why would that make it go CRAZY? His bedside manner wasn't fantastic, and he said that if I wanted an appt long enough to discuss these kind of things I should schedule another one. Then left. It's 3:30pm on a Friday at this point, HOW AM I GOING TO MAKE ANOTHER APPT before the weekend and it's a moot point?

I considered going rogue, but I don't have enough meds to do it. 

I made my appt for Mon am (a long one), then left the appointment in hysterics. Because I'm a drama queen that can't handle stress, apparently. Seriously though, if I can't handle this, how in the hell am I going to handle something TRULY tragic that happens in our lives?

Dr Boy and I discussed it, and really would at least like to try upping the dosage. If we don't see anything promising on Monday, I'm going to advocate for trying an increased dose for two or three days. If we DO end up with over-populated follie-town, we'll just avoid conception this time around so we don't birth a new minor league baseball team all on our own. If this cycle is destined to be a big fat bust-o-rama, we'd at least like to use it as a science experiment to see if we can get the follies to respond to menopur at ALL. 

We don't want twenty babies. We just want to know if this will EVER work. If we'll EVER get to do a damn IUI or just keep cancelling them.

I'm still pretty much an emotional wreck over it, but I'm feeling better about our plan. Provided we can talk our doc into it. Wish us luck.

Now only 48 more hours of waiting.

I had a dream...

All day yesterday and last night I was having a lot of anxiety about the ultrasound this afternoon. First off, I was dumb, dumb, dumb to schedule the thing for the afternoon. I mean really, how in the hell am I going to get anything done at work for the next six hours? (Clearly it's not going well so far or I wouldn't be blogging) That aside, I am terrified that my follies will continue to be lame. I am terrified that the giant stomach and weird cramping is a bad sign, not a good one. I don't want to be stimming for the better part of an entire month. I just don't have that in me. I'm only on 2 vials of menopur, for goddsakes, how in the hell will I deal with IVF if we have to go there???

Though I did let quite a bit of stress out in a good ugly cry before dinner, I still had a ton of it floating around in my brain when I went to sleep. And dreamed about my ultrasound.

Dr Boy was there with me (which he won't be able to do today), and as soon as they wanded me, the doctor got all serious. The Dr said that my follie production had gone off the charts, and that our only option at this point was to trigger and do IVF, or call it off and probably lose my ovaries.

SAY WHAT?????????????????

The dream skips, and the next thing I know, I'm being wheeled into an egg retrieval for our impromptu IVF.

That I didn't want, but was apparently our only chance at having a bio-kid ever.


Then I woke up.

This whole thing is such a mind-fuck. Good thing I have SIX HOURS to obsess about it now.

-----------------

Last night's injection hurt. No bruise or anything, just lots of soreness around the area. It's mostly gone now.

Also, I was wondering yesterday... does the transvag u/s see to the other side of your ovaries? I mean, if they don't see any good follies on the u/s, is it possible that there is a fantastic one on the other side? And what about lefty? Lefty seems to always be hiding behind my ute or bowel (which I've been told is a frequent problem), so how do they get good, accurate measurements? How do they know there isn't a hiding fantastic follie, that the dominant one we're trying so hard for isn't just being a stubborn camera-shy p-o-s?

These are the things I think about nowadays.

8 shots down, how many to go?

Had my latest ultrasound on Tuesday to check out what's going down in follie-town. Despite the weight gain and bloating, not much! At least as of then. They didn't do a blood draw, deeming it unnecessary considering the fact that I only had a few follies on each side, none of which were any greater than 8mm. The ovaries looked awfully similar to how they did last time, when they were just your typical PCOS p-o-s's. You could see *some* increase in follie size, but meh. Not what I was hoping for after 6 days of shots. We're sticking with the 2 vials per injection for now to decrease the risk of over-stimming. If ONLY that were my problem.

The NP that scanned me was really upbeat about it though, saying that it's not uncommon for them to POP (I hate that term when it comes to colors and design, but I love it for my follies) after a week or so. Plus, the lovely Amaprincess over at this blog had a very successful pregnancy after her late-blooming follies for her first injectables and IUI cycle. So I know it *can* happen. Phew!

The thing that I didn't like was how she was all "Don't worry if it doesn't happen, you have a fast-track to IVF" because of Dr Boy. She also pulled the "it's not a waste because we're teaching your ovaries what to do! And they'll do it better next time!" I think that going there on day SIX is awfully premature. I don't WANT to do IVF. I don't WANT to do a second round of injectables. I WANT to get pregnant NOW. I had a good breakdown Tues night, but have since picked myself back up.

At least until my next u/s tomorrow.

Also, I gave myself the injection ALL BY MY LONESOME Monday night b/c Dr Boy had a softball game. It surprised me how much resistance there was when pushing the fluid in, but honestly, it was a piece of cake. So all in all, easy peasy. My awesome fearless friend N offered to give it to me (to get back at me for all the bitchy things I've said in the past, no doubt), but Dr Boy insisted that I don't "wuss out and take the easy way." Blah. But it went fine so he's off the hook for that one.

The bloat is pretty insane right now. I'm still sitting at just over 4 lbs of gain, but I think it stole weight from other parts of my body and redistributed it ALL IN MAH BELLEH. It's too-big-to-suck-in HUGE. I'm wearing a dress today for the comfort factor, as I wore pants that nearly busted open of their own accord yesterday. I walked down to Subway to grab lunch today, and noticed that in my reflection in a passing storefront I seriously look knocked up in this. Like, 5 months or so, right before the belly gets round. The "is she fat or pregnant" phase of pregnancy.

If only. Though I have to say, I like the way I look with a pregnant belly. Not enough to keep it without the baby inside though.

I'll let 'ya all know how it goes tomorrow... hopefully I'll be triggering soon like Lauren! Wish her some luck!

The Land of Pincushions and Spare Tires

Everything's going well down in Pincushion-Land*! I know I shouldn't complain- one injection a day is NOTHING in the grand scheme of IF. It really isn't that terrible though. The second night we used a little less fluid, more like 0.7cc's to mix the two vials of menopur with** and it was much better in terms of volume. It stung a LOT more though. The third night we went back up to 0.8-0.9ish cc's****, and that seemed like a good amount. I also decided I like taking the shot laying down with my eyes closed, on a count of three. I pinch my spare tire pretty darned hard, and Dr Boy does the shot. I let go, he withdraws the needle, and I massage the area for a minute or so, then we're all good.

I also got the results back from my FSH and estradiol tests from CD3 (shot day 1). My FSH was 6.6 mIU/mL, and my estradiol was 51 pg/mL. From what I found here, both are within normal limits for that time of the month, meaning (in theory), my ovarian reserve and egg quality are just fine. Peachy keen! Dr K said he hadn't bothered to order those before because, based on my ultrasounds, my ovaries looked "nice and healthy" to him. Minus the mass quantities of cysts, that is ;)

I had bloodwork drawn yesterday to see how my estradiol levels were rising, and the results weren't great. They only climbed to 67 pg/mL, and Dr K was looking for something closer to 150 pg/mL or so. He's keeping me on the 2 vials per injection until we take a look at things on an ultrasound Tuesday. Based on that, my plan so far looks like:

CD3- 2 vials menopur + blood draw for FSH and estradiol (=6.6 and =51, respectively)
CD4- 2 vials menopur
CD5- 2 vials menopur
CD6 (Sat)- 1 vial menopur + blood draw for estradiol (=67)
CD7- 2 vials menopur
CD8- 2 vials menopur
CD9 (Tues)- go in for an ultrasound and see how things need to be adjusted

Dr K will be out for a week for sugery so I'll be monitored by an NP in the group, but he seems confident that in their decision-making. I'm nervous, but I can't imagine that it'll be that big of a deal, especially considering how slowly my body is taking to the darned drugs anyways. I have faith that he'll be back to make a trigger decision himself and perform the IUI. When he called today, he did reassure me that even if things don't go well this cycle, it could just be priming my body for a second round. And that we'll have more information going into another cycle. I'm trying to ignore that, as I don't ALREADY want to take on a defeatist attitude one week into things. Sure, a second IUI wouldn't be the worst thing in the world by far, but it'd sure be neato if we could get this round to work, mkay?

Also!!! My body is responding in SOME way to the drugs- I've gained freakin' 3.8 pounds. I HAD been up almost 5 pounds in three days, but that came back down some today. I definitely feel some swelling in my fingers, and my belt is one hole larger. This. Blows. Chunks. Good cause? Yes. Good feeling? No.

Ugh. Happy Sunday, ya'll!!

* I was the costume mistress for my high school's musicals for two years. I have lots of experience with pincushions. And measuring inseams. <dirty grin>

** Someone asked if we're doing separate injections per vial, and the answer is no. We suck up the saline from the saline vial, mix it into the first vial of powder, suck it back up, shoot and mix it into the second vial of powder, suck it back up, and inject (one vial saline + two vials menopur per injection). There's no WAY I'd willingly do two shots when there's a chance of only one.

**** My RE said that 1cc of saline will dissolve at least 4 vials of powder. Based on that, I'm totally fine using 0.8cc's or so with the 2 vials we're on right now. It stings a little more b/c it's more concentrated, but for me, the sting isn't as bad as the feeling of a ton of fluid in mah belleh.

It's ON

Like Donkey Kong.

After a bit of a mishap on Monday, this injectables cycle is in full swing. On Monday, afternoon, the third day after my last provera pill, I started to feel boaty and crampy, and called the RE office to schedule my CD1 ultrasound. I was fairly certain CD1 would begin that day, and the doc had said to call "around" cd1, so I thought it was fine. The scheduling nurse that called back was a little snarky and said she couldn't get me an appt until I started bleeding. OK fine, I'll call back in an hour. But first, she asked if I knew how much clomid we were going with this time. I told her it was for an injectables cycle, and she asked me if I had taken the class.

Say what? Class? Dr K hadn't mentioned anything about a class when we saw him a few weeks ago. He told us to watch a video online. And that when I came in for the u/s we'd get all the instruction we needed for the shots. Scheduling nurse said that without having gone to the class, the cycle was a no-go. But we were more than welcome to do clomid again. I informed her that no, clomid is about as effective (for me) as relaxing, and that we would NOT be doing that again. She said that we'd probably have to skip this cycle then.

SAY WHAT??? I am SORRY, but don't tell an infertile that they might have to SKIP a CYCLE because of a stinking seminar on how to shoot a needle into your belly. I'm married to a freakin' DOCTOR. I have a strong feeling that he KNOWS HOW TO ADMINISTER AN INJECTION. And really, mixing the menopur was explained VERY clearly on the video from the drug manufacturer.

I got off the phone with her and shot off a quick email to Dr K. I also had a good loud ugly cry in the hallway at work, then a quiet ugly cry in my cubicle. About an hour later, AF showed up, so I called the scheduling nurse back. She was much less douchey, and made an appt for my u/s on CD3 and an appt with her for my "injecting class". Which was a joke. The only thing I learned that was different from the video was... ummm... wait, I didn't learn anything different. Oh well. She actually isn't that douchey in person, I think she just didn't realize that I was married to someone quite well versed in the art of injections. (Which turns out is the reason Dr K didn't make us do the class. Phew.)

I had my u/s yesterday, which (surprise) showed my usual 15+ cysts on each ovary, and a 6.5mm lining. I have no idea what that matters at this point in the cycle, but they wrote it down so I did too :) I also requested the CD3 FSH/Estradiol tests, and had the blood drawn as soon as everything else was done.

The protocol is fairly low maintenance so far:
CD3- 2 vials menopur
CD4- 2 vials menopur
CD5- 2 vials menopur
CD6 (Sat)- 1 vial menopur + blood draw for estradiol
CD7- 1 vial menopur (unless Dr K calls and decides otherwise based on estradiol results)
CD8- 1 vial menopur
CD9 (Tues)- go in for an ultrasound and see how things need to be adjusted

Pretty easy! We did first shot last night. It is my bitch. Dr Boy mixed everything while I watched like a hawk. When it came down to the actual shooting, I couldn't decide if I wanted to watch or not. Ended up not watching while he actually stuck me, but I did watch the shooting itself. It burned a very little bit, but did feel quite uncomfortable. 1cc is a lot more fluid than I thought. We might try using a little less tonight. Very little pain after, just a weird pocket where you could tell the fluid was. I couldn't stop poking it. No bruise today, no bleeding last night.

Injectables rock star. Though doing it myself? That will be a whole 'nuther story.

Intruders!

These little guys are about an inch long, and seem to luuuurve my tomatoes. They're not tobacco hornworms or tomato hornworms, I'm pretty sure. Too small, and no horn.

What the heck are they though???????? Keep in mind I live in Cali.

Raaaaawwwwwwrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!

This guy is so classy he's peeing in the picture

The best guess I have is tomato fruit caterpillars. Which grosses me out because now I'm afraid I'm going to eat a worm when I crack open my new beautiful fruit. And beautiful they are :)

The weather has gotten warm, and the garden is finally flourishing!

In case you were wondering, the ART I performed on the zucchinis was successful... there's hope for me yet!

A List.

Because I've been ill since Saturday, and every time I cough I feel like I have "Shaken-JM-Syndrome", this is the best I can come up with right now. Miss you guys. I'll be back to commenting when I can keep my eyes open for prolonged periods of time.

1. I said eff you to my crampy uterus and started the provera last Wednesday. One more down tomorrow. If it's anything like last cycle, that should give me AF on Sunday, and starting the menopur mid-week.

2. I've had the sore throat from hell combined with 3-pack-a-day smoker's cough since Saturday. Two dr's appt later and all I have to show for it is three less sick days in the bank, some Mucinex D, and Robitussin with codeine... Oh wait... that's not so bad...

3. Spent four of those sick days in LA visiting my family. Had to cancel plans with friends. Spent most of the time in bed. My mom got to take care of me and make me soup. Funny quote "I love that you're sick because it means you need me again". Oh momma-sita, I will always need you! Now can I do it without coughing up bloody phlegm?

4. I am irrationally terrified that the summer flu from hell will prevent me from going forward with this cycle. Please tell me I am an irrational worry-wort.

5. I got back to Nrn CA yesterday to a well-cared-for garden (thanks, Dr Boy!) and loads of ripening tomatoes. Finally!

6. I've lost two pounds in a week. The flu is good for something.

ETA: Do you guys think I should ask for a day 3 FSH and estradoil test? Is never ovulating on my own and not responding to the clomid once (but probably all three times) enough of a concern to have this done?