Monday, June 25, 2012

Consumed (4dp5dt)

It's all I can think about.

This whole cycle, I have been incredibly one-minded, with IVF Redux consuming practically every waking thought and action. I have managed to get by at work, but have spent a great deal of time thinking and analyzing and twittering and obsessing over this cycle. It's supposed to be the one that works. The one that went well. The one that had so many of the good things happen during. The one with the embryo with practically outstretched arms reaching towards my lining. I've set pretty darned high standards in my mind, and now I'm terrified.

Let's recap how it all looked, m'kay?
- We had appropriately rising estrogen levels
- We didn't flip-flop on medication doses
- We had plenty of 17mm+ follies at trigger
- Our e2 only coasted for one day and didn't have a landslide at the end
- We fertilized 17 out of the 18 mature eggs, out of the 21 retrieved
- On transfer day, a blast was clawing its way out of its shell with another close behind
- On transfer day, only one of the 17 embryos had stopped growing
- I'm bribing the embies with sprinkle cupcakes, snickerdoodles, and a brownie

All of these are great things. And I'm not going to lie- I think it worked. I woke up to lots of broad uterine crampies 1dp5dt, and they lasted most of the day. I've had them on and off since. The rest of the "symptoms" I can blame on the progesterone and estrace tabs- sore boobs, heartburn, slight nausea when I eat too quickly. Other symptoms I can blame on going back to work- tiredness. And the dream I had Saturday night that I woke up to use the restroom at 3am at 3dp5dt and got a vivid BFP is par for the course- I have one of those dreams pretty much every transfer cycle. Still though, I just *feel* like it did.

Which means I'm setting myself up for a collossal fall of this pedestal if I'm wrong. I'm hoping and wishing and visualizing that I'm not, but still. I absolutely could be. I am overcome with the urge to test, because it could very well be positive at 9dpo. But it could also very well be a true negative, and it could very well be a false negative.

And so I'm also overcome with the fear of testing, as I don't know if I want to let go of this feeling yet. The feeling that it worked. That *I* worked. That I can, and am supposed to feel a child grow inside me.

Five days until the beta. *Maybe* two more mornings I'll be able to stop myself from peeing.

I don't want to feel like an idiot for thinking I'm pregnant, but I don't want to stop feeling it either. Sigh.


And on a lighter (ok maybe not *really* lighter) note, rest in peace Lonesome George, the last of your kind. Many of us in this community know what it feels like to be unsuccessful at reproductive attempts, so we feel for you and your lost genetic line. I'm glad I got to meet (ok take a photo of with a really zoomed in lens) you before you left us.
We'll miss you, the last Pinta Galapagos Giant Tortoise


  1. It sounds very promising for sure. Good luck!

  2. What I figured out is that there is really no way to protect yourself from being invested in the results. So, I totally support you getting excited! I am so, so hopeful for you!

  3. I had my retrieval June 16th with a day 3 transfer (because we only had 2 stinkin' embryos). So I'm right there with you! It was our 2nd ivf. When can we poas? I'm trying to make it to Friday!

  4. Oh friend. I totally hear you. It's hard to *feel* like it worked, but simultaneously be terrified of being wrong. But I have all my fingers and toes crossed, and am sending up lots of prayers that this is it, and that your *feeling* is dead on.

    And I agree with what the commenter before me said- there unfortunately is no real way to protect yourself from being invested in the results (and therefore the potential devastation it might bring), so you have a choice to either be mopey and negative, or err on the side of *slightly* hopeful. Maybe? Does that logic even make sense?

  5. I have a feeling this one worked too. I'm excited for your beta.

  6. Crossing my fingers for you too!! Get excited. It's ok!!

  7. I also have good feelings, but then, I generally have good feelings. And while my track record has not been good thus far, I have a better feeling about this than the previous transfers. But I may be biased because you triggered at graduation dinner :-)

    That should be good luck for this entire batch of embryos.

    I'm also proud of you for not testing this morning. But I did check my phone for a happy text, just in case...that's how good of a feeling I have!!


  8. I really hope this is the one! Start peeing on things already, will you? Jk, you have to do what is best for you but I'm anxiously awaiting the results.

  9. I'm so sorry that I'm behind on your wonderful news !! Great retrieval and fertilisation results :)) FXd for you and hoping your BFP is on it's way :)) xoxo

  10. Wonderful news! thinking good thoughts for you :)

  11. I sincerely wish you luck. Thinking of you for a very positive future

  12. I think all of us can relate to getting our hopes up thinking things worked, so don't feel like an idiot for it. I must say though, I do have a good feeling about this for you and am keeping everything crossed!

  13. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that your gut feeling is right!

    I was very sad to hear about Lonesome George's passing. I'd been following his story for years and I empathized with his situation. *sigh*

  14. Ooh, your cycle sounds a lot like my IVF #2.....same eggs retrieved, almost same fert rate etc etc.....I did get pregnant (with twins! - although later lost one) so i have high hopes, this all sounds fantastic. FYI - I didn't get my first BFP until the equivalent of 10dpo and that was with 10 dpo might be the earliest. FIngers crossed!!!

  15. I have been waiting with you during this TWW even though I've been a terrible commenter. I'm hoping you are doing okay and that things are starting to come up BFP very soon... xoxo

  16. Everything crossed for you! How's the POAS battle going?


You know you want to tell me how ridiculous I am...