Facelift!

And just in time for ICLW, too!

Thanks to the fabulous Aly at Bridge Work Blog Design, Meier Madness has a whole new look! I am quite the fan... are you? Aly manages to do a great job at inexpensive blog design, all while figuring the in's and out's of her second high-risk pregnancy (which she talks about over at The Infertility Overachievers). She caught me right in the middle of the Clomid Crazies, and put up with me without a single complaint... more than I can say for Dr Boy :) Seriously though, she's awesome, and won't stop until you LOVE your design. Check her out! And grab my button! I heart it.

--------------------------------------

As for MY infertility overachieving, my body continues to toy with me. I've been having some interesting pre-AF-like cramping since Saturday, and let's just say that since yesterday, I could make my own omelet (TMI? Sorry 'bout that!). I've been putting off starting the provera since I thought maybe I'd cycle on my own, but the addition of the EWCM makes me think my body just tried to o whatever pitiful follies it decided to produce. Oh well. Provera will commence Thursday morning, just in case. After another "glutton for punishment" morning pregnancy test. Good think I bought a bajillion of them for cheap. Based on last time, that should put CD1 on Sunday the 7th, with a good window on either end to go in for my baseline ultrasound and to get my protocol. Which would loosely end my TWW somewhere around Sept 4th-ish. Not that I'm an obsessive compulsive planner or anything...

Thanks for all the menopur advice, too! I'm pretty sure that's what I'll be on. Plus the hCG trigger. And an insemination. Oh boy oh boy!

"I hope you're not afraid of needles"

I'm not, thank goodness. Because that's what we're going to need for this next cycle.

Dr Boy and I went to the RE meeting on Friday. We were meeting the new doctor (same dept, just a real dr instead of nurse practitioner) to discuss where to go since I didn't respond to the clomid. At all. He did another wanding just to confirm that CD26 didn't bring me any closer to a dominant follicle or anything that even remotely resembled ovarian response. Surprise! It didn't! Oh wait.... that wasn't a surprise....

Side Note: Has anyone else had their husband in the room for a wanding? It's a bit awkward. The dr had to have me scoot down further about three times, and spread my legs "WIDER! WIDER! I know you're no stranger to this! WIDER!" Awk. Ward.

We went over the fact that MAYBE moving up to 150mg clomid would help, but probably not. We went over the possibility of femara, but this clinic doesn't endorse it based on ongoing studies that it may or may not have a link to limb defects. Uhhhhhh NO. So we decided to go strait to Menopur with an hCG trigger and IUI. Eeeek!!! I'm to start provera today or tomorrow (probably tomorrow since I forgot to take a preg test with my f.m.u.), and head in to receive my set of meds on the 1st day of my cycle.

It all feels real now.... Anyone have any experience with menopur? Any helpful hints that you can share? Thanks!

Just to Eff With Me

Happy ICLW to all of you! To the newcomers, check out this post to see our sordid TTC history. The only addition is an HSG (no problems found), a failed unmedicated cycle, and a failed attempt at an IUI this month (my body decided to scoff at the 100mg clomid). The ovaries think that clomid is SOOOOO lowbrow.

My body has been doing weird things in the last few days. Mainly to eff with me, I think.

- Heartburn. Usually when I'm standing or sitting strait up, in fact. I've been eating pretty darned well, and have no idea where this is coming from.
- Nausea. I feel fairly vomititious in the evenings and mornings. I even threw up Tues evening. (aren't you so glad you knew that?)
- Swollen middle. I'm no skinny minny, but the two pounds I've gained during this cycle went STRAIT to the spare tire. NOWHERE ELSE.
- Exhaustion. I wake up in the morning thinking it's only been an hour or two because GAWD there's no way I've already been asleep for seven hours. Then I look at the clock and want to cry.
- Lots of crying. I'm always an emotional wreck, but right now? Oy vey. Example- Dr Boy and I watched the first two HP movies in the last few days. I cried on no less than 15 occasions during each. Pretty sure I was more amusing to DB than the films.

Let's get one thing strait. I AM NOT PREGNANT. So why the HELL do I have so many symptoms? I reserve the right to complain about pregnancy symptoms while NOT pregnant. That way I can relish in the flowers and rainbows that my constipation will equate to when there's a baby in my belly.

No Longer Confused, just depressed.

And it's over.

I called the RE yesterday thanks to all of your advice, and the nurse said that they usually won't even do an IUI past 20 or 21 days unless the follie looks really good. Which promptly sent me into hysterics in my cubicle at work. Fun. My co-workers must think I'm a crazy person. (side-note: are they really so wrong? prolly not.) She said we can either wait for me to cycle out on my own or blah blah blah blah. To be honest, I kindof tuned the rest out. I did ask if it was worth it to come in and u/s my lady bits to see if maybe I missed the big o somehow, or maybe had a bad batch of opks (lies I tell myself to keep from admitting my ovaries failed me), so we made the appt for that afternoon.

I still had to make it through four hours of work by that point, but did somehow. Not that I was all that productive. The ultrasound showed the same thing as the OPKs. No dominant follicle(s), no corpus luteum indicating I had just missed the +, no apparent response to the clomid whatsoever. Ovaries looked exactly the same as they did on my pre-CD1 scan about four weeks ago.On a happy note, I did have a lovely 7mm uterine lining built up. Looks like the clomid didn't negatively affect that. Oh wait, it didn't affect anything. Except my hot flashes and migraines. Which came back the last two nights. Eff.

Attempted IUI #1 is a no go. Nothing to fertilize! The guy doing the u/s wasn't my regular doc, but he said that he wouldn't be surprised if they had me move on to a "mixed cycle" next time around. I'm not sure what all that entails, just that I'll probably have to shoot myself up with something. I don't have a problem with the mechanics of that, more so with the circumstance. Injectables make this whole IF thing seem much more real. Like I'm really part of "the club" now. I had always kindof felt like a "fake" infertile, since we hadn't gone through hoards of treatment yet. Shooting yourself up, though, qualifies. In my effed up brain, at least. Hence the utter meltdown I had last night. And better half three-quarters of a bottle of wine. It was delicious. And mind-numbing. Which helped, bc Dr Boy didn't get home until 10:30 last night. Bad timing. Pity, Party of One? Your table is ready!

As if I weren't a big enough glutton for punishment, I still used my OPK this morning. Even less negative than the last few mornings. Surprise surprise.

Long story short, I have an appt with my RE Friday afternoon to go over my results (I also did a progesterone blood test yesterday, again, just to see). And to make a plan for the next cycle. Does this count as a WTF appt? I am so ready to start the ten days of provera doom and get this next ball rolling. Because that's the only way I can deal with it.

What was it that Dory (Finding Nemo) said? Just keep swimming swimming swimming swimming....

Confusion

Has anyone had an issue with ovulating late on Clomid? Apparently I do. Today is CD23, and the almighty pee sticks are continuing to mock me.

You mocking mocker, you.

I've tested for 13 mornings in a row now, all within an hour of the same time. This meant setting an alarm for 5:30am on the weekend, which is practically illegal. At least in my book. The few times I recently cycled on my own, I got a + OPK on CD 19, 20, 14, and 20 (again). This go-around, I've been testing with both the CBE as well as the internet cheapies. The cheapies aren't even getting close to a + result. I do feel awfully bloated and uncomfortable in the abdomen, but don't really remember feeling that much at this point other times.

My question to you, dear followers, is when is it OK to call the RE? Am I being antsy by not getting a positive yet, or should I legitimately be concerned? I don't want to bug them, but I am also really frustrated that this first IUI may be derailed before it even gets out of the station. Eff. It just effing sucks.

Advice is greatly appreciated, because right now I just want to go back to bed and have a do-over of the morning. A do-over that ends up with a +. I shouldn't let this get to me, but I should be happily in the middle of my TWW right now, not stressing over when the damn thing is going to start. This whole week I've been pretty unbearable at home, too, and I'm sure Dr Boy is ready to kick me out until the eggs drop.


On more entertaining and less bitter-infertile news, I performed ART on my zucchini plant the other day. I seem to be the only person in the history of gardening that is incapable of growing a stupid squash. I thought they grew like weeds!!! I thought people had zucc's coming out of their ears when they planted them! Not so much for this veggie novice. I've had lots of flowers but no results, so I took matters into my own hands (literally), and hand-pollinated one of the flowers. We'll see if that does the trick.

At least I can fertilize SOMETHING, mother effer.

Also entertaining is the fact that someone googled "i have the clap and im pregnant" to get to my blog. I'm classy. 

I feel so loved!

The fabulous Lissie over at Lissie's Luck awarded me the awesome Versatile Blogger award earlier this month! I feel so loved! I love the idea of passing along the blogger awards. It's one of those things that really makes this feel like a community instead of just a published journal. I really mean it when I say you are all awesome!

As per the award's rules, I'm supposed to:
- Post the award image
- Link back to the giver
- Disclose 10 things about myself that I haven't already

Well, here we go!

1. I met Dr Boy the very first weekend of college freshman year. We've been together ever since (12 years) and have never broken up.

2. I am a weather nerd. Total. Nerd. I go stormchasing with some friends from grad school each spring, and it is amazing, as well as something that has given me a VERY healthy respect for severe storms.

3. I've adopted an animal in each city I've lived in as an adult. Our first cat, Vesta, was adopted during undergrad. Our second cat, Ellie, was adopted during grad school. Our dog, Hannah, was adopted a couple of months after we got married. They're great furbabies, provided you don't mind that they hate eachother.

4. Before we got married, Dr Boy and I spent three years as a long-distance couple. That was equal to the amount of time we spent as a NOT long-distance couple. As I said, we went to undergrad together, though he was ahead of me. He left for medical school while I graduated and went to grad school. We finally ended up back together as he was graduating medical school and starting residency, and I started a job with the company I'm still with.

5. I hate spiders. Have I mentioned that before?

6. I have two different thumbs. I never sucked on them as a child. They just are the way they are! Turns out it's genetic. I showed my grandma my weirdo thumbs once, and she showed me hers- same thing :)

7. I learned to play the french horn in Jr High, mainly because no one else wanted to. My theory? If I'm the only one, I can't be worse than anyone else. No competition. Yeah, I was messed up. But it was an awesome instrument. I continued in high school (where, go figure, two of the other horn-ists in my year also had the same weird thumb thing....), then switched to mellophone (marching french horn) in college. It's a good thing I joined marching band, because that's where I met Dr Boy. He played the cymbals (helloooooooo nice arms).

8. Tap water makes me gag. Ugh, I can't even think about it. Ewwww.

9. I'm awful at checking my voicemail. Seriously, I have 5 un-listened voicemails on my phone right now, and literally 10 that I quickly flipped through just to get the phone to stop bugging me about them.

10. I am a flip-cup master. I. Rock. The game. (I'd post a picture but I'm sporting about three chins, and that makes me want to gag.)

I now have the pleasure of passing this award along to another set of wonderful bloggers I've discovered out there. The lucky ladies are:

1. Mo at Mommy Odyssey
2. Lauren at P(c)OS Ovaries
3. Lauren at Not Just an Army Wife
4. Audrey at Love, Audrey
5. The author of Waiting and Wishing
6. BU at Relaxing Doesn't Get You Pregnant
7. Natalie at I was told there would be pajamas
8. Ericka at And Baby Makes Four

These women are funny, strong, brave, and are all at different steps in their TTC process. Finding new posts from them in my reader truly makes my day each time. Check them out and let them know I sent 'ya!

It's just not funny

Could someone please explain to me why people think it's funny to joke about people being better off without children? Unless it's a choice you've made (because of biology, faith, circumstance, whatever), living childless isn't funny. Especially when it's a choice that you didn't get to make.

I spent the day in a 6-hour CPR/First Aid course at work today, and at some point, someone made an offhand remark to the effect of "Give her a break, she doesn't have kids." To which the instructor replied, "Nice! You're way better off that way."

To which I replied "Eff off, mother effer."

OK, not really, but I REALLY wanted to. And mentally, I shut down. The course was near-completion, I took my multiple choice test at the end, finished first (and scored 100% for that matter. Booya.), and stormed out of the room. I don't know or care if anyone really knows why I suddenly looked like I could throat-punch someone, but I'm pretty sure I left a few people wondering.

It's just not funny people. It's. Just. Not. Please, for the love of god, just try and be a little more sensitive, kay? I'd really appreciate it.


Obviously it doesn't help that I'm anxiously awaiting that fickle little smiley-face on the Clear Blue Easy ovulation sticks. It doesn't help that what Mr Wandy shows the afternoon after my pee produces a grin will (hopefully) result in an IUI. It doesn't help that I'm impatient, and hopeful, and scared, and hormonal.

You know what would help? A little sensitivity.


End rant.


Hey- I also wanted to say a big THANK YOU to Mag at Witty Infertility for bestowing upon me the Overlord award! I'm working on my rules, Mag- promise! And a second big THANK YOU to Lissie over at Lissie's Luck for the Versatile Blogger award! I'm working on that post as well, Lissie, I haven't forgotten! And thanks to Ericka from This Hampton Life of Mine for the salad dressing recipe :) Very, very yummy.

Ya'll are awesome and I love you. That is all.

A list

1. I am currently working shift number 5 of 7. Does this make it Friday #1, or Wednesday #3? Or Thursday #2 with two Fridays? I always wonder.

2. I killed a spider that was hiding out underneath Hannah's dog bed last night, after waking up to get water. Effing. Gross.

3. Dr Boy killed a spider earlier that day that was making a web on our tomato cage. I made him do it so I could harvest my future tomatoes in arachnid-free peace. On second thought, I don't think I'll be able to reach into the thick bushy plants without protective armor on ever again.

4. Dr Boy WILL BE killing the spider that has taken up residence in between the screen and the window in our kitchen. Vomit. No, we never open that window. And now we never will, even when the mother effer is dead.

5. I hate spiders. And I am tired of them. We are spraying Home Defense like it's going out of style when I get home from work this afternoon (triple-digit heat be damned).

6. I removed a caterpillar from my tomato plants before I noticed the disgusting arachnid. I didn't want it to die, just stop eating my plants. I moved it to a tree and hope it doesn't get eaten by a bird.

7. Clomid gives me hot flashes. I took round two last night before bed, and woke up an hour later in a sweat. So I got up and got water. And killed a spider. And turned up the A/C 'cause there was no way in hell I was sleeping without covers when spiders are running rampant in our rental. Hell. No.

8. Dr Boy and I may go see Super 8 tonight, if traffic in our little downtown isn't too bad from the 5K/10K/1/2Marathon that's being run tonight. Poor runners, it's effing hot out.

9. I hate spiders.

10. I would like to hurry up this whole "saving $$ for a new down payment" business so we can BUY A HOUSE THAT DOESN'T HAVE A BILLION SPIDERS LIVING IN IT. I have already fallen in love with a house. Unfortunately, I don't think the sellers will wait until next Spring. Though if they did I will love them forever and ever. And their beautiful house.


That is all. Hope you are all beating the heat and enjoying the three-day weekend I wish I had!!!

Also HAPPY ALMOST ANNIVERSARY to my friend N!!! 

Dr Boy took these fireworks photos the day before she and her husband got married.