I had been having some serious anxiety this week about the "delayed" ultrasound, so I sucked it up and emailed my doctor about coming in on the originally intended date- Friday the 13th. Because he's awesome, he said yes! Whoop! At that point, though, I felt so tremendously guilty about going over the nurse's head that I couldn't bring my sissy ass to call and schedule it, so I did what any self-respecting, strong, independent woman would do.
I made my husband call :) Between that and the foot rubs? He's a keeper! My first ultrasound is now scheduled for Friday the 13th at 7am pdt.
This is all a VERY good thing, because my beta today threw things up in the air again. Good things, but things nonetheless. It came back at 1845 (doubling time 38 hours)- now a bit above the twin average, both for actual betas and doubling time, according to Betabase.
Recap:
Beta One (8dp5dt or 13dpo): 80
Beta Two (10dp5dt or 15dpo): 202
Beta Three (15dp5dt or 20dpo or 4w6d): 1,845
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From BabyMed.com |
It's not that I wasn't grateful- seriously, I am astounded to be where I am right now, incredibly grateful, and so happy to be enjoying each and every day that I can call myself pregnant. I've never been able to do that before, and will cherish it as much as possible. What was getting me down was the loss of another embryo. I know it is all still hypothetical until the u/s (and birth, really), but I was feeling a lot of sadness that yet another little piece of Dr Boy and myself had pooped out. That I had failed it. I have so much sadness in me for all of the embies that didn't make it, and having yet another to add to that list made me pretty upset.
Like I said, half of you are pissed off at me now, and I get that. I'd be pissed of at me too if the roles were reversed. But, it's how I was/am(?) feeling, so I wanted to get it down. Because I think it's ok to be sad for what we've lost AND be thrilled and grateful for what we have. Both, at the same time, and neither one diminishes the other.
So yeah. I'm trying not to get my hopes up for *anything* in particular, just an intrauterine pregnancy that looks on track one week from now. And for you all to understand and not call me a selfish ingrate.
(oh and remind me to tell you soon about how I swear I'm developing late-onset mild OHSS, if that's even frickin' possible)
For your own health and sanity, I hope it is a singleton. Just to cut out the extra complications of a twin pregnancy (and increased loss possibility).
ReplyDeleteHaving said that, I completely understand your sadness about maybe losing another embryo. I had the same feelings when we were waiting to find out if we had one or two the first time around. That is the biggest reason I was so excited about my twins...they BOTH made it. I think after everything it takes us to get to those embryos, it's normal to feel a deep sadness when you 'lose' one. I felt that loss when two of our three frozen embryos didn't survive the thaw. It's obvious that any loss of life would be huge to most of us.
Things are looking good! And you can feel and think whatever you want to. I won't judge! IF is a messed up journey with no map or travel guide. In the end though, you'll be happy with either outcome, I'm sure!
ReplyDeleteI think it is totally understandable to be sad about the possible loss- no need to sensor yourself here! I can't wait to hear how the ultrasound goes... ONE MORE WEEK!
ReplyDeleteWhat great numbers! So excited for you and can't wait to hear how the ultrasound goes!
ReplyDeleteI can understand your sadness. I'd want all my embies to survive too. Unfortunately, MissC is right; there's a lot of risk with twins/multiples. So, I'm hoping for nothing but a healthy and happy pregnancy for you, be it a singleton or twins.
ReplyDeleteAnd look at those numbers!! Very awesome! Looking forward to the news from the ultrasound!
I found your blog after googling "15dp5dt beta twins". It looks like our cycles are very close together. I should be getting my 15dp5dt #'s today. We transfered on 6/21. Our first beta was Monday 10dt5dt and it was 762! I feel the same way as you. I would be sad about the thought of having a singleton at this point. Best of luck to you!! - Kim www.MyInVitroBlog.BlogSpot.com
ReplyDeleteI can see how you'd hope so much for twins. Obviously it would be awesome to get 2 babies after all you've been through. You shouldn't feel bad about that!
ReplyDeleteBetas are not telling- I had super high betas for my first 2 pregnancies (around 2500 at 19Dpo), and they were both singletons.
ReplyDeleteMy doubling time for this 3rd (and finally successful,I hope) round was 32 hours between 17 and 21 DPO, though my betas are lower. Pretty sure there is only 1 in here.
So basically, the numbers mean squat. But whatever you are having, from the Bottom of my heart, I wish you a safe and uneventful pregnancy.
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ReplyDeleteSo excited that things are going well! Congrats!! Don't read too much into the beta's though, mine had a very high doubling time as well, and I'm pregnant with just a singleton. It was hard to lose one of the embabies that was transferred, but that let me know from the beginning that this one is a fighter!!
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