Tuesday, October 11, 2011

On Luck.

I've always felt lucky.

I did well in high school, got into every college I applied to, ended up with a couple of scholarships. Sure, I worked hard, but I was damn lucky too. I met Dr Boy the first weekend of college. I got to do a summer of training at NASA. I got into a great graduate school, paid for. And they actually PAID me to get my master's degree (though this was standard for what I do, it was still awesome). I did a career path internship that landed me a job as soon as I finished grad school- in my home city. Dr Boy matched at a residency program in that same city.

I'm not saying all this to be all "Wow look at you!" I just have been incredibly lucky in life. So much so.

I guess this is where our luck has run out. 34 months of trying to make a baby. Two years no natural cycling. Four unmedicated natural cycles. Three rounds of clomid. Two months of injectables with IUIs. No luck.

I always thought that I'd be one of those lucky ones to end up pregnant on their first month of meds. Or on their first round of injectables with IUI. But I'm not. I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that I really, truly, honestly fall into the infertile category. That's me. I'm that. I'm not an IF impostor anymore- there's no "nah, she hasn't tried hard enough to be part of the club yet."

Dr Boy and I have been struggling with the decision of where to go next. Initially we had planned on trying out three or four IUIs. But secretly, really, we figured we'd be off this roller coaster in one or two tries. No one really plans on doing four IUIs. They end up there because the previous one was unsuccessful. I never really let myself think about the possibility that we'd have to do anything past one or two. I mean, I couldn't really be that broken, could I? That unlucky? That's just not me.

But it is, and I'm so done. Dr Boy is done with this. I'm over my ridiculous darwin flip out. (which I really hope didn't offend anyone because it was just me being batshit crazy and not judging anyone AT ALL I SWEAR I THINK IVF IS A WONDERFUL OPTION) We've scheduled an IVF consult for the week we come back from vacation (two weeks from today). My brain is telling me this is the right choice, but my heart? It can't accept the fact that our luck has left us. My heart keeps saying that no, no, you're over-reacting. Stop being such a crazy person and just keep on with the IUIs.

I can't reconcile the two. Logical me says to just do the damn IVF and enjoy the much higher chance of conceiving. Illogical me says that I haven't worked hard enough to earn the IVF. Logical me is thrilled to have finally made this decision and wants to get back on the Hope train. Illogical me says I don't deserve it yet. That I haven't put in the time.

All of me, though? All of me is terrified that my luck has left for good. And that even though IVF gives us a better chance, it won't be good enough. And I don't know if I can take that.


  1. I wrote a post exactly like this a few weeks ago. IF payback is a bitch!!! Call it karma, call it luck, I totally agree with you.

  2. I felt this way in the first couple of years we were trying to get pregnant- life had ALWAYS been easy, and then...

    I'm looking forward to hearing how your IVF consult goes. I felt like some of the crazy melted away once we started toward IVF, because until then I had been worrying about it, fearing that we might get there. Once we were there, and I accepted it the whole thing seemed a little less daunting and hope returned.

  3. Dit.to. To the always "lucky" and then not being able to get pregs.

    I'm so, so heartbroken for you guys. *hugs*

  4. Isn't that just how it goes? Our lives are chugging along nicely, then wham they're turned upside down and seem to be going completely nowhere for years on end.

    Hey, I'm trying to keep it a lil separate from my other blog for anonymity purposes, but I finally decided there was just too much in my head, as pertains to infertility, to not spit it out. Youre one of my favorite IF bloggers tho, and I wanted to share.


  5. I stumbled upon your blog about a week ago, and this post resonated so much with me. I feel like I had some bumps in the road, but everything went to plan until now... We just unsuccessfully finished IUI #6, with one more in the works but then we don't know what because I am too heavy for IVF. Hope can be tough. I find with time it comes back.

  6. Wow...this post really struck something deep down in the core of me. I can feel your pain and that you're being torn between the logic and illogical sides (and, for what it's worth, my two sides war all the time and typically illogical wins :)

    I know what it feels like to be lucky all the time and then to hit that huge snag that just throws your entire world into turmoil. It wasn't supposed to go like that or it wasn't supposed to be like that. It's such a hard feeling to face and it really makes you question everything. But you're not broken and you have tried - very hard. You are worth whatever decisions you make and I think you are making a very good one. There isn't anyone out there with a big tally sheet checking off your losses and triumphs except for you - all we want for you is what you want. How you get there is completely up to you and what is right for you.

    I hope you find a bit of peace with your decision because it's your right to make it. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and hoping you have great success very very soon.

  7. Hi! Don't give up!!!It will happen for you! I know exactly how you feel and if I could recommend something I would say - GO FOR IVF! My story - we were TTC for 2 years, "diagnosed" with unexplained infertility, did 6 IUIs (3 with Clomid, 3 with injectibles, did laparoscopy in between) - all BFN... Went for IVF consult in May, did IVF in July and now I am 13 weeks pregnant!!! It can really happen and now I kinda wish that I did not waste so much time with all the IUIs and went straight to IVF. Just from the personal experience there will be wround 2-2.5 months between your first consult and actual retrieval and transfer so plan ahead. Also plan for some time from work, as there are going to be a lot more appointments and also a 2-3 day bedrest after the transfer. Best of luck to you, I hope my story makes you feel better! And feel free to ask me any questions.

  8. What I found sad about this post is that you don't think you've "earned" this. Please love yourself enough to realize that 34 months of trying is enough, and you're overdue for a luck turnaround. It's time. Jump in with both feet. You'll be fine!

  9. I know what you mean about feeling like luck has run out... 34 months is a long time! It sounds to me like you are making the next step at the right time for you; before you are completely exhausted, frustrated, and burnt out. :)


You know you want to tell me how ridiculous I am...