I've always felt lucky.
I did well in high school, got into every college I applied to, ended up with a couple of scholarships. Sure, I worked hard, but I was damn lucky too. I met Dr Boy the first weekend of college. I got to do a summer of training at NASA. I got into a great graduate school, paid for. And they actually PAID me to get my master's degree (though this was standard for what I do, it was still awesome). I did a career path internship that landed me a job as soon as I finished grad school- in my home city. Dr Boy matched at a residency program in that same city.
I'm not saying all this to be all "Wow look at you!" I just have been incredibly lucky in life. So much so.
I guess this is where our luck has run out. 34 months of trying to make a baby. Two years no natural cycling. Four unmedicated natural cycles. Three rounds of clomid. Two months of injectables with IUIs. No luck.
I always thought that I'd be one of those lucky ones to end up pregnant on their first month of meds. Or on their first round of injectables with IUI. But I'm not. I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that I really, truly, honestly fall into the infertile category. That's me. I'm that. I'm not an IF impostor anymore- there's no "nah, she hasn't tried hard enough to be part of the club yet."
Dr Boy and I have been struggling with the decision of where to go next. Initially we had planned on trying out three or four IUIs. But secretly, really, we figured we'd be off this roller coaster in one or two tries. No one really plans on doing four IUIs. They end up there because the previous one was unsuccessful. I never really let myself think about the possibility that we'd have to do anything past one or two. I mean, I couldn't really be that broken, could I? That unlucky? That's just not me.
But it is, and I'm so done. Dr Boy is done with this. I'm over my ridiculous darwin flip out. (which I really hope didn't offend anyone because it was just me being batshit crazy and not judging anyone AT ALL I SWEAR I THINK IVF IS A WONDERFUL OPTION) We've scheduled an IVF consult for the week we come back from vacation (two weeks from today). My brain is telling me this is the right choice, but my heart? It can't accept the fact that our luck has left us. My heart keeps saying that no, no, you're over-reacting. Stop being such a crazy person and just keep on with the IUIs.
I can't reconcile the two. Logical me says to just do the damn IVF and enjoy the much higher chance of conceiving. Illogical me says that I haven't worked hard enough to earn the IVF. Logical me is thrilled to have finally made this decision and wants to get back on the Hope train. Illogical me says I don't deserve it yet. That I haven't put in the time.
All of me, though? All of me is terrified that my luck has left for good. And that even though IVF gives us a better chance, it won't be good enough. And I don't know if I can take that.