Thursday, October 6, 2011

Depression Hurts. A baby can help.

I'm not good at the TWW. I'm 10 DPO today. No testing yet.

I get depressed. I've suffered from clinical depression since my senior year in college. I started to see a therapist for a little while, then started Lex.apr.o. I felt a whole lot better, but a little numb. Like, couldn't cry during dumb movies, which for me was a huge difference.

When we decided to TTC, I weaned off the drugs. I let it take three months to wean off a silly 10mg rx. But I did it, and I was *ok*. Ish. Fast forward three years, because we're coming up on the anniversary of when I officially stopped taking the drugs altogether. I still go through rough patches, for sure. I can feel them coming on, and it usually last a few days.

Retreat, ignore phone calls, make excuses not to see people. Take on a cranky pants attitude with Dr Boy. Take long afternoon naps, refuse to cook. Sometimes it's bad enough that I'll call in sick to work. But I know I come out of it within a couple of days. It's often preceded by a few days that are just awesome. Like the universe balancing me out- can't have too much happiness now, that's not in the cards.

The happy this time around has been a series of amazing workouts. I've been running again, and Monday night I went to a swim class again. I kicked ass in swim, and while I'm still one of the worst runners in my class, I'm getting better. Stronger.

So of course the sinking started Tuesday. I can't focus at work. I have quite literally done ZERO work at work this week. I feel awful and sick to my stomach admitting that, but it's the truth. I have been getting headaches every afternoon. I've been short with Dr Boy. I mustered up enough energy to make pasta and leftover chicken for dinner.

I hate it.

I know I'll be ok. I really just want this to be worth it. Living better through a chemical-free lifestyle better be worth it.

Please just let this be the time it works.


  1. Hoping it gets better for you, and crossing my fingers that there is big exciting news in the next few days :)

  2. I am so, so hopeful that you will get good news in a few days. Hang in there! The 2ww is almost over!

  3. I'm so sorry you're feeling bad, and I totally admire you staying away from the pee-sticks. But I have to say, I think you should consider getting on Happy Pills again. Maybe not Lexapro, but Zoloft has been generally accepted as safe with pregnancy, and I'm kind of worried about you. I'm like a Jewish mom, it's my job to worry, ok?
    Hang in there. I hope we both get our BFPs this month!

  4. I have also been taking 10mg of Lexapro for quite a while...since 2006 for anxiety. Since I have never increased the dose, I consider it more of a security blanket...but I do notice when I don't take it for a while. According to my dr husband, it leaves your system pretty quickly and so I have just been 'off' it during the 2WW (s). Hopefully you will get your BFP this month, but if you don't you might consider going back on the medicine during the non 2WW's. Good luck!

  5. Your story sounds quite similar to mine. I've had depression on and off since my senior year of high school. For most of my adult life I was on antidepressants. I've been off them for about 3 1/2 years now. I still have blue periods, but they don't go on for weeks or months. Just a day here and there. I'm determined not to go back on antidepressants if I can help it, so I try to manage my depression in other ways, such as exercise, socializing, hobbies, and meditation.

    I agree with you: a baby would definitely help alleviate those feelings of sadness. I hope this is the month for you!

  6. : ( I'm sorry it's been a rough patch, friend. You're doing so good by recognizing the signs though, and trusting that it will pass soon. I am so hopeful that this is it for you guys!

  7. I'm really sorry you have to go through this. Hopefully you're right, and testing tomorrow will give you the biggest high ever. Thinking of you xo

  8. My depression days are also always preceded by AWESOME days. I wonder what that happens. I warn my husband, like, WOW I AM FEELING SO GOOD RIGHT NOW... so watch out, I'm coming dooowwwwnnnn!!! ...

    Good luck! You're in the home stretch of the 2WW!

  9. Keep runnin' and exercising girl, that will help. Sorry about the rough patches but so glad you are able to bounce back quickly. Really hoping for good news!

  10. I'm so sorry you're feeling so depressed and withdrawn right now - I know that feeling only too well. For what it's worth, it does help to try to keep in contact with friends and family; sometimes it can help pull your mood up a bit (and sometimes not).

    It is such a frustrating and anxious journey and it can be so hard on anyone. You're doing the best things you can by writing about it and by exercising - both of those will help you pull through.

    Thinking a lot about you. Maybe taking that short break will help you both physically and mentally and you can start again in a great place and have great results!


You know you want to tell me how ridiculous I am...