Meier Madness!

Chemical WTF Appt (& gross picture)

2012-03-07T15:16:00.000-08:00

Our appointment went well today. I do have to give my RE credit- he makes our WTF appointments very calming and relaxed***. He answers my questions fully, and takes my crazy seriously. Without overtly telling me I'm a freak. (always a bonus) He started out telling me that, obviously, they're all very sorry it ended up this way, but that he's glad we discontinued medication last week as he suggested. Talked about how in the vast majority of cases, chemical pregnancies are an embryo problem, not something stemming from the uterine environment. There is some weak evidence that these embryo problems occur more frequently in PCOS patients, but that whether it is or isn't, there's no reason we shouldn't keep going the way we are. I know he brought up more than that, but I just can't remember what exactly.

We talked about our next cycle- the one we will get to do in APRIL. Heck yeah. Next time the nurse freaks me out about waiting forever and a half to get back on the horse, please remind me that TWICE they've said that and TWICE the RE said we could pick right back up. Please. Remind me.

It felt like this is trying to claw its way out of my uterus.
Also, it's what I feel like I turn into while on Lupron. X-Files FTW!
AND! The reason I have a porta potty fear and can't step on shower drains.

Basically, we're going to test my HCG on Monday, and if we're back to not-pregnant status start BCP. Judging by what's turned into quite the vigorously painful AF from hell, he fully expects us to be back under 5 by then. I'll be on BCP for 2-3 weeks, then start estrace fun when CD1 arrives. We will NOT BE DOING LUPRON (what what!) this time around. He's pretty darned sure the estrogen and my shitty ovaries will keep me sufficiently suppressed, but in the event that a follie forms, we'll cancel and try again next cycle.

This is an acceptable risk for us. With the level of batshit crazy I developed while cycling on lupron, it is far more worth delaying ourselves a month than risking it again. I have no desire to go back on antidepressants, and I know that is exactly where I would have ended up had I needed that injection of liquid depression. He said it's a very small risk given my history, and we will gladly take it. Plus, he said the lack of suppression may actually help my lining develop a little better this time around. Win win for everyone!

I asked about repeating the HSG or saline sonogram just to make sure the ute is all cleared out from this month's debacle, and he was completely on board. We'll schedule that on Monday.

I also asked about IV intralipid therapy- and he's actually not really super keen on it. In fact, he split up with a previous practice he was working at in the early 90's because of a disagreement over its use. In his opinion, the benefits are not strongly enough proven that they overcome the risks involved. He did seem very knowledgeable about the procedure and all, just doesn't advocate it as a tool to increase chances of obtaining a healthy pregnancy. At least we'll save money there!

He also fully supported my trips to the acupuncturist through the entire cycle (including the pre and post transfer visits) which makes me happy. If nothing else, he appreciates it for its calming qualities.

We'll deal with an exact calendar when my SIXTH beta comes back on Monday, but we are good to go for some time in the end of April. Two day 6 embies, provided they survive the thaw. If not, we'll use one of the day 7s (right now we have 3 day 6's and 3 day 7's).

Before we leave for our vacation, we'll know.

This makes me very. very. very. happy.

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*** He may have also been placating me so I keep bringing them "I'm not mad at you for failing to get me pregnant" treats. I brought homemade english toffee for our Dec cycle, and these chocolate covered pretzels this time around.

Trader Joes Honey Wheat + Chocolate = Awesome

Troubles Fly Away

2012-03-06T14:19:00.001-08:00

Be as a bird perched on a frail branch that she feels bending beneath her, still she sings away, all the same, knowing she has wings.
-Victor Hugo

I received a beautiful little necklace from my bestest friend N for Christmas. It arrived on this card:

With the above quote on the back of the card. It was meant to help lift me up after our IVF fail, an incredibly thoughtful gesture. I was cleaning out our bedroom last night (preparing for my family's visit this weekend yay), and found the necklace that I had *meant* to put with my jewelry. Of course, it made me cry. Because it's just as appropriate, if not more so, right around now.

Since Sunday, I've hardly been able to keep the tears at bay for longer than two or three hours. I was making dinner last night, and as soon as Dr Boy walked in the door home from work, I lost it. Full on shirt-drenching sobs while my hands were covered in shredded chicken**.
I think I was set off by the fact that he won't let me get a consolation puppy for my birthday.

No, but seriously, I've felt like I'm doing this precarious balance of trying to hold it together, and it's just not working very well. When I pulled this necklace out of the pile last night, I knew I'd wear it today.

And you know what? I haven't cried yet.

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** In an attempt to be frugal I bought a cheap whole chicken on clearance, roasted it, and shredded the meat. THIS IS SO EFFING GROSS. My newly meat-eating sensibilities were seriously harmed by pulling out the giblets, and I almost vommed when I reached the spine. Nastysauce.

I did, however, manage to find the wishbone. Dr Boy and I pulled, and he won. But right now? I'm not upset it's not my wish heading on up- I'm fairly certain we're on the same page.

I held onto the weak-link right side. Sigh.

Less pregnant (CD1)

2012-03-05T13:49:00.001-08:00

Just another Manic Monday... whoaaaaaa ohhhhhhh.... Otherwise known as the best Monday ever. Let me count the ways!

- I woke up to AF this morning. An hour before my alarm went off (yay!) I'm actually pretty surprised- she arrived crampless and without any particular fanfare. I'm hoping things stay that way because if so, this will be WAY less horrific than I had imagined. Actually, I kindof wish she'd just get on with things so this doesn't drag out too. But whatever. At least I didn't need to take my heating pad to work with me, right?

- My colleague's wife went into labor last night. Plus side? I don't have to listen to people asking him all day if she's popped yet. AND he'll be taking a month off. I can handle that.

- Blood draw took sticking and fishing in both arms today. The bruises are going to be EPIC.

- Leaving the lab for my FIFTH beta, there was a newborn and I lost my shit for the second time in ten minutes (the first was in the blood draw chair).

- Found out my beta dropped from 50 on Thursday, to 44 today. At least we're not actively growing anything anymore. I guess that's some good-ish news, right?

- IVF nurse called to give me my beta results, and seems to think I still need to cycle naturally after this PIO withdrawl bleed. This confuses me immensely. Because I don't cycle. It takes 60 effing days. And we're working with a deadline- I'll be out of the country May 3-13, so it's either April or June, no in between for us. Must. Get. Show. On. Road. If we have to cycle "naturally", I'm def out until June. And I will lose my shit again and get pretty crazy for the next three months.

- Wednesday's ultrasound was converted to a regular old WTF appointment to talk about our next cycle. Specifically, the GET IT DONE ASAP point. And the NO LUPRON point. And the Maybe we can do a saline sono to make sure there isn't anything left up in there point. Any other points I should cover?

- I discovered approximately one thousand mosquito bites on my feet and ankles from wearing flip flops all weekend. Curses!!!

So yeah. Best. Monday. Ever.

Calling it quits

2012-03-02T13:50:00.002-08:00

My beta came back at a 50. A perfect double would have been 56, so while we're just barely below that, we really *should* be in the thousands at this stage in the game. Our RE spoke to the other IVF doc in the practice, and they both agreed that in their opinion, nothing good is growing inside of me. Nothing that I can take home and snuggle in 8 months or so. That the progesterone and estrogen were likely the only thing keeping this thing from expelling itself. (now that's a fun mental image, huh?)

He recommended we stop our meds, and ordered a repeat beta on Monday because now we have to track the hcg back down to zero. He did, however, give us the option of continuing meds, and getting an u/s on Wednesday (5 weeks 6 days) to see what's growing.

This option is appealing. And tempting. It would let me ignore the fact that I'm only fake pregnant for another week, and keep hoping hoping hoping that they're all wrong. And I would have an ANSWER! More DATA! I loves me some data. I'm addicted to MORE INFORMATION, and if this would get us that, why wouldn't we subject me to 8 more IM injections and 24 pills up the lady bits?

Here's another look at my crying digs. Not bad, eh? Except for the sound of people peeing. And pooping.

I spent the last half hour of work sobbing in the bathroom. I called my nurse to see some potential calendar options for our next FET. I scared her with my sobs when she gave me MUCH LATER dates than I was expecting (like, in June). I talked to Dr Boy. I tweeted. I threw wads of snotty toilet paper at the lockers.

And then I pulled myself together, and drove home. Oh, except I didn't bring a rain jacket and hit pretty much the only burst of rain in the county while getting to my car. But the rain was worth it because I was greeted by this view on the way.

I'm a sucker for a gorgeous cloud, what can I say.

I curled up in my pajamas in bed and watched a movie until Dr Boy came home. And we talked. We talked about the pro's of continuing. Of knowing, of the one in a million chance of this being ok. We talked about the con's. Of postponing the inevitable, of dragging out the pain, of the possible physical ramifications of purposely supporting an non-viable pregnancy for longer.

And we decided to stop the meds. If it's an ectopic, it'll probably survive me cycling out (CD1 will probs be Monday). If it's a blighted ovum, it *should* go away with my withdrawal bleed. So really, we'll have our answer. And if my HCG still climbs on Monday, we have the Wed u/s appt to take a peek. I truly, truly hope that isn't necessary.

At this point, we're both just ready for this to go away. For this to end. To heal, regroup, and start over.

I wanted to believe that this would turn out ok. That we'd be the friend of a friend of a friend. But our doctors, and really us too, just don't feel that's going to be the case anymore.

So it's time to let go.

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Also, in case you were wondering, this is what the amazon cheapie Wondofo's look like at our beta values. Note that a line showed up with a beta under 10 (or around 10 if you account for the time lag). So yeah, they ARE pretty damn sensitive. And I apologize for ever thinking they aren't.

- 10dp6dt was an hcg of 7 plus 36 hrs
(to further prove my non-viable point, here's a girl whose HCG at 16dpo knocks mine OUT OF THE PARK)
- 12dp6dt was an hcg of 14
- 15dp6dt was an hcg of 50

At 20 cents a pop, they're just BEGGING to be peed on.

5 weeks "Pregnant" (15dp6dt, 4th beta)

2012-03-01T09:00:00.002-08:00

Awww, how naive I was at 13dpo, thinking that a negative beta meant a negative beta. So young, so impressionable.

I think it's funny that today, at 21dpo, I am technically 5 weeks pregnant. I still have positive hpt's, positive beta's, just not positive *enough*. Our line isn't getting too much darker, and is still way lighter than the control line. You don't have to squint or adjust the contrast on photos, though, so that's something.

I had my blood drawn this morning, and despite needing two of those rubber bandy thingies to constrict my upper arm, it blissfully required only one poke (chronically deep and difficult veins). We'll see what we see in a few hours when the results come in. When I spoke to the RE on Monday, he said we're looking for something over 60 AT LEAST, but he'd like to see something closer to 100. Even that's not a guarantee though, as we could still be dealing with a blighted ovum or ectopic. All super fun options.

I find myself focused on the phrase "product of conception" today. Because we did, you know, conceive. We have something, comprised of Dr Boy's and my DNA, growing inside of me. It's giving me intense lower abdominal cramps, it's making my nipples ridiculously sensitive, and it's turning my nose into the Super Sniffer. It might not be our take home baby, but it's there. And that freaks me out. Hence the 5 weeks "pregnant". Because I am. I'm terrified of what we're going to need to do to make this go away, if it isn't anything good. Cancer drugs? D&C? Is "it" even big enough for that? All of these thoughts terrify me and make me indescribably full of sorrow. It makes me want to just ride it out, as if time is all we need for the outcome to change.

I never thought I'd wish for a plain and simple negative beta. Never in a million years.

Sad Face. (also, the bathroom I cry in at work)

A little pregnant (3rd beta)

2012-02-26T16:17:00.001-08:00

Whoever said it wasn't possible to be a *little* pregnant was clearly lying. Or had never experienced a chemical pregnancy or low beta.

I got my third beta back today- 14. It doubled perfectly. But really, that's little consolation. To recap:

7dp6dt: Beta less than 5
9dp6dt: Beta 7
11dp6dt: Beta 14

Whoop-de-effing-do.

- It would appear that the Wondofo hpt's from amazon can detect a beta as low as 14. And look like this:

Trust me. It's there.

- While it doubled in a timely fashion, it is still terribly low for this point. (14 at 17dpo)
- It may have been a late implanter, but I'm hesitant to believe that an embryo can last a full week in utero without implantation.
- I know FET embies can take longer, but this is still outside of window.
- What kind of quality are we looking at for something producing such little hcg?
- Did I end up with a mother effing ectopic?
- I'm keeping my expectations realistic. I know there is still a very small chance we will take home a baby as the result of this attempt. Very, very small.

I'm still waiting on the RE to call back with explanations and instructions. If we don't hear anything, I guess I'm continuing the PIO and estrace supps. Fun. And probably getting another beta Tuesday.

All I wanted today was an answer. I wish we had one.

Not NOT pregnant (9dp6dt, second beta)

2012-02-24T19:06:00.002-08:00

Seven.

That's what my second beta came back at today. Anything less than 5 isn't pregnant. So technically, I'm pregnant. Ish.

But I'm not. The RE said that in all his years, he's never seen a situation like this one end up in a viable pregnancy. Ever.

He also said, however, that he's learned to never say never. So we're to continue with the pio and estrogen supps until our next beta on Sunday.

Fan fucking tastic. I mean, I'd love to beat the odds and all, but really. He flat out said not to get our hopes up.

No, it's not a late implanter- embryos just don't survive that long w/out implanting. We're just delaying the inevitable.

We can (almost) add a chemical pregnancy to our resume.

Book Review- The Rules of Inheritance

2012-02-23T22:15:00.000-08:00

I would like to take a quick break from my regularly scheduled meloncholy attitude (more on that tomorrow) and do a book review for BlogHer. I was fortunate enough to make the cut for yet another book review for the Blog Her Book Club, and this time? They knocked it out of the park.

This was a paid review for the BlogHer Book Club but all opinions expressed are my own.

If this is to be part of my narrative, I want to feel every minute of it.

The Rules of Inheritance, by Claire Bidwell Smith, is worth every last bit of heartache you feel while reading it. It is an auto-biographical story about the author's struggle coming to terms with the loss of each of her parents to cancer, an orphan before she turns thirty. While the book jumps around in time, each section is focused on a stage in the grieving process, until it ends with a chapter on acceptance.

You are immediately drawn to Claire and all of her imperfections- her attraction to the "wrong" boys, her binge drinking, her apathy towards focus in life. She is a product of the environment of loss she grew up with starting in high school, and each out of control behaviour is a defense mechanism against feeling the true pain of loss and solitude. I swear, each tale from her life leaves you heartbroken for the girl who had to go through the most difficult years of her life alone, or darned close to it.

While it could have been confusing, the skipping time lines really did work, and added an almost cliffhanger-like quality, leaving you desperate to keep reading to finish each storyline.

For all that I disliked the previous BlogHer Book Club selection, I loved this one tremendously.

Seriously- read it. You will NOT regret it.

(It also had a scene in an LA restaurant I frequented when I lived there and still do when I visit, C&O Trattoria- like Claire says, the garlic knots are ridiculous!)

(also, anyone want my copy of The Weird Sisters? First one to comment gets it.)

Nopesicle. (7dp6dt, beta day)

2012-02-22T16:23:00.002-08:00

I peed on the Rolls Royce this morning, the First Response Early Result, just like yesterday, and surprise surprise, ended up with the same result.

Still negative. Had my blood draw.

Beta less than 5. Not pregnant. Not a chemical. Not anything but an empty uterus.

My totsicles had been given highest marks. Again.
My transfer went perfectly. Again.
I followed all post-care instructions to a T. Again.
My body failed us. Again.

We've transferred four perfect embies. Our cycles have been textbook perfect. The *only* fly in the ointment this time was a lining of only 7.2-7.9mm, which is still in the ok range but on the low side. Not so much that it should have been an issue.

At what point do you start wondering "It's not you, embryo's, it's me."? How does this happen? When do you ask, "Huh, this really should be working, why isn't it?"

Can we really just be THIS unlucky twice for no good reason? I need a reason.

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PS- I get to keep taking my meds until a repeat beta on Friday. Just to confirm for sure. Fuckin' A.

PPS- Don't tell me to hold out hope until Friday. Seriously.

No Bueno (6dp6dt)

2012-02-21T13:36:00.001-08:00

Before I get to it, could you guys go over and give Jenny some love today? She went in for an ultrasound at 9 weeks and found out her baby no longer has a heartbeat. This is hers and Jeff's third loss. This week has been just an awful one for everyone out there in the trenches, and I'm hoping beyond hope that this streak comes to a quick halt.
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So it's not looking good, folks. I'm a pee-er. Even after last time, where I decreed that early testing is the devil, I continue to be a pee-er. I have, however, amazed myself with my resolve this time around. Rather than peeing at a paltry 5dp5dt, I held out until 6dp6dt. Go me, right?

To be honest, the wait wasn't all that bad, since I had a lot of things working in my favor this time. I have the sore boobs, but that's progesterone so we'll throw that out. My sense of smell has been heightened since Friday night, when I smelled Dr Boy's glass of wine from halfway across the house. (that could just be me detoxing though :) ) The next night, I knew the INSTANT one of the cats used the litter box. Smells are still getting to me a lot stronger and quicker than normal. The uterine cramping also started Friday night (2dp6dt), and has pretty much been there on and off whenever I stand or move around too much. It's pretty isolated to the lowest quadrant of my belly, and is stronger on the left side. I've also started to get some of the heartburn back. It was particularly bad when I was taking the estradiol tabs orally, but now that they're going up my bizness it had, until the last two days, gone away.

So yeah. Boobs, Super Sniffer, Cramping, and Heartburn. Oh, and the ABSOLUTE NEED to take a nap by 4 or 5pm.

So I tested this morning, thinking I had this one in the bag. Well, I may have it in the bag, but it's just not revealing itself yet. We'll see tomorrow when I have my beta drawn, but I'm having my doubts.

Do you know how difficult it is to reconcile two competing thoughts in your head? The knowledge that "of course it worked this time", combined with "don't be stupid your ute is still empty", add up to quite the headache.

I'm not letting go of the "of course", because I think the positivity will do us some good.

But I'm also not letting go of the "don't be stupid", so I don't crash and burn as fantastically as I did last time. Ha. Like I could prevent that.

Send some love into the world, mkay?

2012-02-20T13:11:00.000-08:00

I wanted to post today about the symptoms I've been having since Friday night. The ones that simultaneously make me want to pee on a stick more than anything and stay away from the infernal devices all at the same time.

I wanted to post about the hope that I have in my heart right now, foolish or not.

But instead, I'm writing to ask you all to send some love out to Mo, who at 22 weeks pregnant, is having to deal with the repercussions of having her water break last night. She's still leaking fluid, and will have to be induced tonight. Mo has already been through so much- three miscarriages, a cerclage, above normal amniotic fluid... this is just the most cruel way for things to end for her and Schmerson. I mailed her the FRER that confirmed this pregnancy. This is just goddamned fucking unfair.

Please keep her and her family in your prayers tonight.

(she hasn't posted anything new since this has happened, don't be confused by the post she currently has up)

What you missed...

2012-02-19T13:47:00.001-08:00

...while I was off in crazy land.

- At our appointment on the 6th (I was dumb and wore tights- who wears tights to the RE? oy vey.), we checked my lining as I had been on the estrace and 2x weekly estrogen shots for about 10 days or so. It was only around 7.2-7.9 mm, which my RE considered only "adequate". To resolve this issue, we switched taking our estrace tabs orally to taking them as SUPPOSITORIES. I've been shoving these little gems up in lady-land for two weeks now. Lovely. It looks like I had relations with a smurf.

PDLAMBLATI-esque (had to put my bare feet on the stirrups. Eww.)

Up the lady bits. Three times each day. It's actually a lovely teal-blue color.

- About two days later, my ankles decided to take a vacation. Holy hell the swelling was bad! They did the whole poke-a-finger-and-the-depression-stays-there thing. I guess that's what I have to look forward to if this thing actually works, and I manage to stay pregnant well into the swollen phase.

So. Gross.

- I ran a 5K with Dr Boy. Considering it had been an entire 5 weeks since I had stepped foot near my running shoes (or off the couch for that matter), and I was in the throes of the lupron depression, I can put that event in the win column. It's a miracle I even made it out of the house that day. I ran shorter intervals than I did back in Nov, but my overall time was only less than 2 minutes slower- not bad. I did, however, want to die the next week, and my legs threatened to give out on my going down the stairs at work, but whatever. I did it.


I think I need to stop swinging my knees out when I run.

- I went on a ski trip with Dr Boy and some friends from grad school. This was the famed trip that was the reason for postponing the transfer from Feb 6 to Feb 15th. So. Glad. It was so much of what we needed before transfer. I haven't seen most of these people in a good 18 months or so, and catching up was fantastic. I got in two amazing days of skiing at Breckenridge, and Dr Boy did a third at Vail. And we went snow tubing. And had a generally merry time. I love skiing (though it's a miracle I didn't break myself), and am so glad we did this pre-transfer- the trip would NOT have been the same otherwise.

Heading up the tubing hill

These are some MAD ski skillz, I tell you.

- On the aforementioned ski trip, my IF bracelet fell off. SAD FACE. I was planning on taking it off when we got our BFP. Instead, it got caught in my watch and ripped off. It was pretty ratty, so not too much of a surprise. I had put it on back in August, I think, when I went to an infertility faux-baby shower at a local IF group. It was my first time meeting other IF-ers in real life, and was amazing. I hope the bracelet falling off is a karmic sign...

I was irrationally upset when this happened.

Otherwise, life has been boring. Or rather, I was too depressed to make life anything other than boring. Feel caught up?

All A'board

2012-02-15T23:59:00.000-08:00

Everything went beautifully!

After waking up on the late side, Dr Boy made me a nice peanut butter chocolate protein shake and we headed off to pre-transfer acupuncture. Very relaxing... Almost better than the Xanex I took after!

We then went to our clinic which ushered us pretty quickly back into the transfer room. I got to show off my embryo socks... Nothing says "Stick, babies stick!" quite like silver sparkly polka dots, right?

Clearly not my ankle's most flattering view

Our RE came in and gave us the great news- they thawed two AA embryos... and both survived perfectly! No fragmentation, and they even saw continued growth and cellular differentiation between the morning thaw and mid-day transfer. They're alive... Score!! The transfer went seamlessly, with less pain inserting the catheter through the cervix than last time around. I love our clinic. Dr S was so warm today and answered any and all questions I had, and my nurse gave me a little good luck gift! She came in at the end, teared up, and asked if we wouldn't mind if she prayed for us- so so sweet of her and incredibly thoughtful. I really do love our clinic. We relaxed in the room for a half an hour or so, then headed back for post-transfer acupuncture. I totally fell asleep during that one, but am glad we did it.

So I'm officially in the TWW.

0 dp 6 dt.

God I hope this works. I want all of the heartbreak of these last 8 weeks to be worth something. I have gone through so much, emotionally, let so many balls drop, damaged friendships, and I have to hope that it won't be for nothing. Or irreparable, for that matter. Other than relaxing and getting at least one of these darned embryos to stick, I have a couple of important people to make amends with, because above all else?

None of this matters if I don't have people to share it with.

Meet our take 2 embies... Hundreds of differentiated
AA cells, just waiting to be our kids... They're so much
bigger than last time! So many more cells!!!

Ready or not...

2012-02-14T15:30:00.000-08:00

...here they come! We've gotten past all the hurdles of medications, lining, and hormone levels, and have gotten the green light for our FET tomorrow. At 11:30am PST, we will be transferring two blasts that were frozen on day 6, provided they make the thaw. Our clinic's plan is to thaw one at a time (the six best frosties were frozen in singles) until we end up with two that look picture perfect. I've never heard of anyone transferring day 6 embies, but they hit blast and that seems to be the important part.

Today's PDLAMBLATI- From Lauren

I think I'm finally excited. At least, I'm able to see an outcome that doesn't involve the certainty of failure. It's taken me up until this very last weekend to get here, and I plan on riding the "it might actually work" wave for as long as I can... or at least Wednesday the 22nd when my first beta is drawn. Since it's a D6 transfer, I'll be at 7dp6dt, or 13dpo, which should certainly be soon enough.

The problem with this is that I thought we were still counting these embies as D5's, which would mean a first beta on Thurs the 23rd. I already took that day off to deal with whatever news befalls us, so I can stave off a massive sobfest in the bathroom at my office. I'm not really sure what I'm going to do about that now, other than try and avoid the phone call from the clinic until I leave that afternoon. There's still the POAS question, and I have no idea what I'm going to do on that front yet either.

A few things have majorly helped me get to this point, a point where success is a path that seems a possibility again. Because I'm so fond of lists...

1. Seeing a therapist- Finally got an appt, last Friday. Love her, hate that my insurance doesn't facilitate weekly or bi-weekly meetings. I'll have to do that separately, and plan on working on a plan for that soon. I definitely needs to keep going.
2. Fertility acupuncture- With how passive an FET is, I needed to feel like I was doing *more* to help out with the outcome of this attempt. If nothing else, I have a great new source of relaxation!
3. Going to CO- Dr Boy and a bunch of my grad school friends went skiing this weekend in Breckenridge. It was *exactly* the trip I needed. Great friends, the kind that remind you that even if it's been a year and a half since you've seen each other, you're just as loved and missed. I did NOT get enough time with them, but it was still a fab weekend. And I didn't break myself skiing which is a plus. Though I did look like an overstuffed sausage in my ski jacked circa 1999, and about 40 pounds ago. Oy vey.
4. An email from my bestie, saying that even though I've been an isolationist douche bucket (my words not hers), she still loves me and will be there when the lupron wears off. She's kindof the best friend a girl could have :) I hope she doesn't read this before I drop off her Valentine's gift tonight...
5. The twitters and the bloggies- Ya'll stick by me even when I'm a isolationist douche bucket, too. And I can't thank you enough.

The only thing left to deal with is the fallout of my 6 weeks of monster depression. Which is mainly my isolationist douchebucket status. I need to start actually leaving the house again. For something other than work. And repair the friendships I've left to languish during the last month. One of the pieces of homework the therapist gave me was to reach out to at least one friend each day. Email, phone, text, anything that's getting me out into the world of human interaction again.

I shall start that by picking up cupcakes on my way home...

I also vow to be better here- I mean it. Ya'll are awesome. And I hope you know that.

Book Review- The Weird Sisters

2012-02-09T22:57:00.000-08:00

Let me first apologize that this is the first post I've written in pretty much forever... FET's are boring. Me whining about being depressed is boring. Pretty much the only non-boring has been the fact that my last lupron shot was yesterday, and that I'm leaving for a trip to Colorado tomorrow... Woot! More on all that later. For now, I got to do my first book review for BlogHer! Quite exciting. So please bear with my- it's the first I've written since high school :)

This was a paid review for the BlogHer Book Club but all opinions expressed are my own.

The Weird Sisters, by Eleanor Brown, is the story of three sisters who return to their hometown under the pretense of nursing their ailing mother during her cancer treatments. While the sisters are not quite what you would call "close", they each share a love of reading and, to some degree, the college town they call home. Their father is an English Lit professor, devoting his career to the works of Shakespeare. As a result, he most often quotes plays rather than expressing thoughts of his own, a habit the sisters take to as well.

While the journey home is seemingly altruistic, each sister has a deeper, more self-centered motive for returning home. Rosalind, the eldest, is loath to follow her fiance to a post-doc in England. Bianca, the attention seeking middle child, has been fired from her position at a New York City law firm after her embezzlement was discovered. Cordelia, the youngest, has grown tired of her nomadic hippie lifestyle and has returned home to gestate her unplanned pregnancy.

Let's cut to the chase- I enjoyed the prose, an unusual first person plural (all three sisters share the first person point of view simultaneously). It made it feel as though the story was a look back in time, to a place where they all had significant troubles in their lives but could not trust each other enough to open up. At least yet. I did not, however, enjoy the rest of the book. I pretty much wanted to smack Bianca in the face for whining about how she was going to pay back her NYC law firm, while lusting after the town priest and seducing a professor into cheating on his wife with her. Not. Sympathetic. At. All. And don't get me started on Cordelia- who never seems to care enough to let the father of her child know that it exists. Oh! And better, she wants to keep the child to have something that's all her own- sounds like once of those high school clubs, to me. Rose was ok, but I kindof wanted to shake her hard and make her be her own person for once.

Overall, this one was just not my cup of tea. I don't have sisters, so i couldn't relate to the relationships between them. I don't know a whole lot of Shakespeare, so I was just annoyed at what came off as pretentious overuse of literary quotes.

I really wanted to like the book. I just didn't have it in me.

X Marks the Uterus!

2012-01-26T15:30:00.000-08:00

PDLMBLATI*, from the lovely Emily** Arrrr, matey! X marks the Uterus!

We had an appointment this morning to get my baseline ultrasound and bloodwork, just to make sure there wasn't any rogue dominant follicle trying to claw its way through the lupron. That would have made me PISSED because this lupron stuff is a bitch that I never want to have to deal with again.

Luckily for all involved parties, I'm suppressed. No follies, ovaries nice and high and difficult to wand properly. Score. Not sure what my e2 came back at yet, but I can't imagine very high. They had to poke both arms though, so I'm already on my way to junkie status again.

We're clear to start our estrace tabs tomorrow, and the lovely estradiol valerate IM injections every Friday and Tuesday for the forseable future. Yay me. And yay Dr Boy, who gets to start shooting me in the arse again. We're still on track for a Feb 15th transfer, in 20 days if you're counting (like me).

Another word on the lupron though. I hates it. Much. It gives me hot flashes, it keeps me from sleeping soundly, it exacerbates my depression, and today, it gave me a migraine that wouldn't go away even with excedrin. Not cool, lupron, not cool. If we're (un)lucky enough to have to go through another FET (let's pretend it's for baby #2 so I don't curl up into the fetal position), I am going to urge REAL hard for a different protocol that does NOT involve this winner of a drug. I just don't like what it's doing to me. At. All. I think Dr Boy will be fully on board with this plan as well. So will Hannah. And the cats. And anyone else I've interacted with in the last 10 days or so.

As for the therapist, I'm still waiting to get an appointment. But it will happen, and soon. Promise. Thank you all for the lovely, wonderful comments. It helps to know I'm not alone, not the only person that's going through this. In fact, the formerly-annoyed-army-wife wrote a very similar post just today. Had a nice LONG talk with Dr Boy this morning, and I think we're both feeling a little better about everything. I hope. At least, it was made more clear that it's truly not you, it's me. Because it's NOT him. It IS me.

But it'll get better.

*PDLMBLATI- Please Don't Look at My Business Look at These Instead
**Emily, giving us IFers hope at A Peek Into Our Journey

Clearly I need help.

2012-01-25T14:57:00.000-08:00

No, seriously, I do.

I keep complaining ad naseum about how I'm still depressed over our Dec IVF failure, and how I'm not excited about our Feb FET, and how the world is grey and I have no motivation and blah blah blah. I know I'm depressed right now. And I know I'm not really doing anything to help the situation, other than sitting here and riding it out. In the years that I've been off the meds (nothing makes you sound like a wack-job quite like saying you're "off your meds"), that's been my main course of action. I have highs, I have lows. The lows suck donkey balls, but they never really last more than a week or so.

I think I've hit my four week mark.

That's too long to "ride it out."

I came to this conclusion over the weekend. Two things really kicked it in the ass for me.

1. Dr Boy went snowboarding and was gone for two days. I had a three-day weekend, and left the house once. Literally. When I let poor Hannah out to potty, I didn't even step outside. I owe her for being such a trooper.

2. I started wondering whether we should even bother with the FET. Clearly I wasn't able to take care of myself or the household, so how in the hell would I take care of a kid? And (in my mind at the time) it probably wouldn't work anyways so why bother with the fuss of it all.

Screeching halt. I was questioning whether or not the mom thing was something I even wanted anymore?

That couldn't be me talking. That had to be the depression. There are a lot of things that I've been questioning lately, and I can't sort out which ones are me and which are the depression. I know the lupron I've been on for over a week now is probably exacerbating things, as is the fact that it's CD2, but still. This isn't me.

So I called up the IVF nurses and asked for a therapist recommendation. They left a message with one to contact me, and unfortunately, I'm still waiting. A day and a half later. But I reached out, and the appt will get made, and I'll have a chance to talk these things out with someone that is equipped to deal with this.

Because I'm tired of whining. And having no motivation to do anything other than sit on the couch. Unshowered. In my pajamas. For three days. (ok i showered once in those three days, i'm not completely gross. and i changed my sheets after, if it makes you feel better.) I'm tired of not doing ANYTHING productive at work. I'm tired of gaining weight form inactivity and emotional eating. I'm tired of not calling up friends to interact. I'm tired of not being excited about anything any more.

But mostly, I'm tired of having no energy to put towards hope. I can't go into our FET this way. And I can't expect it to magically happen on its own.

Why can't I just be chemically balanced? Sigh.

(and don't even get me started on how terrified i am of depression during the pregnancy and post-partum. effing terrified.)

I'm blushing...

2012-01-23T01:09:00.000-08:00

So remember when I posted this about our first IVF failure? I made it on that your ecards website. It summed up my whole thoughts on the process at the time.

Guess what?

Someone else found it too! Thanks, InfertileNaomi!!! I heart her blog. She may not have given me 999 reasons to laugh at infertility yet, but she's definitely working her way up there! Glad I could contribute :)

Also? Lupron hot flashes are for the birds. The kind of birds that can very kindly STAY THE EFF AWAY FROM ME thankyouverymuch.

The itchies and the bitchies

2012-01-19T11:30:00.000-08:00

You know what today is, fine folks? Today is my last day of birth control... w00t! Very exciting stuff here. Based on my track record, I should be getting 'ol AF next Tues or Wed, and have an ultrasound and bloodwork appointment next Thurs to check out the oves and hormone levels. Show? Almost on the road.

I started lupron on Tuesday to suppress the heck out of lefty and righty. Though let's be honest, we needed to do fertility treatments because I *don't* ovulate on my own, so in my opinion it's overkill. But whatever, I was kindof missing all the lovely side effects from all the meds anyways :)

I was on the antagonist protocol for IVF, so I never used lupron for down regulation, just whopping high dose as a trigger. I remember the itchies that ensued for almost two days after the trigger QUITE well. Didn't think our litlte microdoses of 15 units out of an insulin syringe would have the same effect, but surprise! It does. Though it doesn't last as long. Just a nice little reminder for an hour or two that it indeed was there.

Oh! And I'm bitchy! (if you know me, you're all "well duh. not exactly the announcement of the century.") The lupron makes me bitchiER. I'm finding myself MUCH more annoyed by the little things these past couple of days, and I'm blaming it on the meds. Watch out- I'm on these babies for a full three weeks... good times!

In other news, we got the new esradiol valerate, mixed in ethyl oleate, a hypoallergenic (in theory) synthetic oil to replace the sesame oil stuff. Hope that plus the less frequent injections lead to less hives overall- always a good goal in my opinion!

Other than that, life has been a bit crazy. Lots of trip planning (things are set for our ski trip... yay!), lots of relaxing, and finally lots to do at work. I'm pretty much operating on "ignorance is bliss" mode right now. That way I don't have to think about the fact that there are 27 more days until our transfer, 35 more days until our beta, and 37 more days until our RE confirms success or failure.

That's a lot of days. A lot of time for something to go wrong. A lot of time to be reminded that this is our *second* embryo transfer. Every time I think about it, I'm reminded of the simple truth that IVF didn't work for us. The last resort, the big guns, failed. I knew it was possible. I knew it wasn't likely, but not likely doesn't mean not possible. I'm *still* having so much trouble getting past that simple fact, and I'm so annoyed by it that I'm ready to punch myself listening to me whine about it.

So instead of whining, I'm ignoring. All that excitement over today being the last BCP? Feigned. In fact, the thing I'm most excited about today is how AWESOME my hair smells because of shampoo I started using today.

One of these days I'll get "in the mood" for our FET. Just not today. And probably not tomorrow either.

They're here, take two.

2012-01-12T17:31:00.000-08:00

While meds for a frozen transfer aren't quite as exciting a delivery as those for a fresh cycle, it is still fun to see. I give you, in all their glory, my token frozen embryo transfer medication photo:

FET meds are faaaancy.

1. Big-ass PIO drawing-up needles
2. Insulin syringes for lupron shots

3. Needles for PIO administration
4. Sharps container (methinks one won't be enough though)
5. Needles for Delestrogen (generic for estrogen valerate)
6. Valium for transfer
7. Estrace
8. Steroids for retrieval/transfer
9. Delestrogen. In mother effing sesame oil***
10. PIO (ethyl oleate), enough for about 30 doses
11. Alcohol swabs (really, they thought 20 would be enough???)
12. Lupron

13. Moral support- Hannah

Not bad, not bad. The only thing missing is a round of nausea-inducing doxycycline. This stash is sickeningly cheaper than the stash for a full cycle. Even with the more expensive PIO because of the itchy-ass incident from last time around. It is comical that with all those needles, they really thought I only needed one sharps container and 20 flippin' alcohol bads. Seriously? <shakes head>

***I am also now SHAKING MY HEAD VIOLENTLY at my FET coordinators, as they ordered me an injectable estrogen in none other than sesame oil. They remembered to order the PIO in a hypoallergenic oil, but not the estrogen? Seriously? The deep bruising the hives left behind are JUST BARELY GOING AWAY. Narg.

Luckily, we have our injection re-training tomorrow morning, so we can bring that little situation up. Oh, and an ultrasound to make sure all my lovely cysts from post-retrieval have gone away. It's been so long since I've seen wandy... I'll have to be sure to pick out some nice socks for him :)

Clearly my feelings are delicious

2012-01-08T14:01:00.000-08:00

Or I wouldn't currently weigh MORE THAN I DID ON EGG RETRIEVAL DAY.

Yes, I said it. I have managed to gain weight during a time where it should be falling off my mid-section, one empty follicle at a time. Really though, how does one actually expect that to happen when they eat like they're growing triplets, but the only thing going on down there is a shrinking barrel of cysts?

Don't get me wrong. My feelings were delicious. The holiday candy, the large servings, the godknowshowmany bottles of wine. And hot damn they were necessary! These past four weeks post-BFN have been a bit of awful followed by less awful followed by GOOD GOD HOW DID YOU THINK YOU WERE OK AGAIN awful. The less awful was spent with family over the holidays, a blissful ten days where I could bitch and moan about my horrible period, pop a BCP, and bury myself in playdates and Christmas cheer. And 80-degree weather (thank you Los Angeles).

The awful awful hit this week, as I think it does for many people post-holidays. In my case, the post-holiday depression wave collided with the post-vacation depression wave, which then collided with the here's-your-fet-calendar-because-ivf-failed-wave. Those of us who remember our physics know that when waves collide, they can sometimes cancel each other out, but with my luck? The amplified into a tsunami of grief that I just kept feeding.

It ended in me crying at the movies last night. Seeing Sherlock Holmes. Which I assure you, is not a sad movie. Though I cry a lot at movies, this was a new low, even for me.

I'm not going to feed it anymore.

I'm going to be ok.

I'm going to get pregnant. (eventually)

I'm going to stick to my healthy living/eating resolutions. (more on how THAT's going later)

I'm going to get through this.

Revised.

2012-01-04T11:47:00.000-08:00

Well that last calendar sure lasted long :)

I've been a bit anxious about our proposed FET date and beta. Our plan had our transfer on Monday Feb 6th, then flying off to Denver to hang out with friends and ski five days later. We'd come back Monday the 13th, then have our beta on V Day. I had reconciled the fact that I wouldn't be skiing while there, and refraining from imbibing with friends. No biggie. We were, however, nervous what effect the travel and inevitable activity and excitement of the weekend would have on implantation. We know it would have occurred before Friday, but if this cycle ended up a bust, we would for SURE blame it on the weekend. Two things would happen. Well, three really.

1. I would be pissed off at the FET for ruining what could have been a fantastic weekend of skiing and drinking with friends. (which, I might add, I'd gladly give up for a baby, but we're moving on the assumption that this doesn't result in a cute pooping blop of smooshable baby)

2. I would be pissed off at the weekend of travel and hanging out with friends for ruining our implantation and blame it for our BFN.

3. I would cry a lot. (inevitable, yes)

None of these things would be good, so we changed our FET date. Our new transfer date is Wednesday Feb 15th, *after* we return from our trip. I am so relieved that we did this. I know we won't have anything to pin a failed transfer on, so nothing gets ruined. Plus, there are no major holidays or important dates for the BFN parade to rain on (yes, I'm now superstitious about that).

Our new calendar looks like this:

The color coding makes me insanely happy. Insanely. Click to enlarge.

I'm still anxious about pushing it back, strictly on the premise that we wanted to get to our next transfer as soon as humanly possibly. I'm willing to deal with that anxiety, though, knowing how much the good of a delayed transfer outweighs the good of an earlier one.

Plus, I didn't love my old calendar enough to color code it, so that must be saying something.

There you have it. Our plan. Revised. Let me know if you're cycling in Jan/Feb- I'd love to follow along!

Top Ten...

2012-01-03T21:13:00.000-08:00

...things that have happened since you last heard from me. In no particular order.

1. We got our calendar for our FET. Or rather, I got my period on Christmas Eve, called the clinic, and started birth control on Christmas Day for our FET. THEN we got our calendar. It looks a little something like this:

And by a little something I mean exactly. Click to enlarge.

Basically, we're transferring on February 6th. Which puts our 1st beta on Valentine's Day. I think I shall protest. (In fact, this calendar is looking like it's going to change. More on that tomorrow.)

2. Post-IVF periods are quite possibly the worst periods OF YOUR LIFE. Let's just say the PIO did it's job, because it was NOT PRETTY. So much cramping. Didn't help that we drove for 6 hours the day it started, but seriously? Worst period cramps of my life. They were about the same level as my cramping from the retrieval, about 1 or 2 days post-op. It's a miracle though, that I didn't set myself on fire with my grandma's borrowed heating pad. I wish I got a picture of this thing- I think it was seriously from the 60s. We threw it away when it started to smell like burning.

3. I set goals for getting healthy (again) this year. Mainly, shape the eff up before our FET. I'm dropping the sugar like a rock again this month. Yay. Dr Boy and I signed up for another 5K, which we'll run the day before the FET. Take THAT, bedrest-bloat. We bought headlamps and warmer running clothes so we have no "wah wah i'm too cold it's too dark" excuses with running.

Our sleepy passenger- complete with doggie seatbelt. Safety first!

4. I spent 10 days in Los Angeles with the fam. Loved every minute. It was definitely the time away I needed to finish healing after our December failure. I still feel the grief from the BFN, but I am in a MUCH better headspace to move forward with our next step. Though I can't stop crying whenever I hear "Shake it Out" by Florence + the Machine. Try listening without crying. I dare you.

Carey and I... isn't she lovely? (i'm left, she's right)

5. I met Carey, the ModVegan, for dinner. She's pretty incredible. Despite having a tragic ending to her triplet pregnancy with three handsome boys, she is an amazing source of strength and positivity out there on the twitters. I can't imagine going through what she has and still being such a cheerleader for us in the trenches- she's truly a beautiful person and I'm so glad to have met her... and even told her my name :)

6. I had a delayed reaction to the PIO shots. My last one was on December 19th. On Christmas Eve, I started to get this really bad itching on my hips, where if you wore a string bikini bottom they'd tie, you know? I took a peek and there were these lovely red welts on both sides. WEIRD. There's nothing that I was recently exposed to that could have caused it. It's not exactly where the shots went though, more like if you went about 3-5 inches from the injection sites outward. Today they look like deep bruises. I talked to the IVF nurses, and they're going to switch me to a PIO that's synthetic for the FET, just in case it was a reaction to the sunflower oil. For now? I just want to stop scratching my ass.

7. My pregnant cousin was absent from Christmas this year. Big sigh of relief. Though I think I would have been ok- there were Christmas margaritas.

8. I still have not lost any of the IVF weight. At. All. Damn you Christmas, and your delicious temptations.

NYE sparkles

9. I went to a New Year's Eve party. At a house. With a stripper pole.

Say what?

No seriously, in the upstairs bonus room.

It was supposed to be a classy blind wine tasting party!

No, I did not dance. See #8.

My lovely hair, post-treatment. Still looks like that, even after washing!

10. I got my hair chemically straightened! I did the Yuko treatment, a more permanent Japanese cousin to the Brazilian blowout. This is my fourth time over about 5 years doing it, and I LOVE IT. The only sucky part is the whole not washing your hair for three days while it settles part. I was fairly grease-tastic by day 3. Today though? Amazeballs. Two minutes of flouncy blow drying in the am to get the drying started, then out the door. Life. Changing. I know that sounds dramatic, but when you fail an IVF cycle? Shiz like this suddenly becomes life changing. I HIGHLY recommend it. Love.

So that's me in a nutshell for the last almost two weeks. I'm slowly sorting through all the posts I missed while I was all post-IVF depressed and woe-is-me, and then on vacation.

Here's to a new year, with new hope, and all that good stuff :)

Gratuitous sleepy puppy photo. Because she's cute.

Dear Santa... (and the plan)

2011-12-23T11:36:00.000-08:00

First, I told you that all I wanted for Christmas was a positive pregnancy test, preferably my own.

I understand the confusion, as you may have overheard me telling my husband about these super cute galoshes, and my mom about a Le Creuset dutch oven, and my in-laws about some new running gear.

Totally get it.

But I probably should have been more clear. And maybe omitted the "preferably my own" part. Though you did come through! I mean, not for Dr Boy and I, but for Rebecca, and W&W, and Megan, and AMiracle, and Heather, and Jenn, and @mhamer33, and @_ttc_2003, and @EndoJourney, my cousin, and my new friend K.

Yeah.

Thank you for helping all of them, and the others I'm sure I'm forgetting. Each and every one of them deserves this win so, so very much. Though, I'm fairly certain that there's only three of us whom I cycled with that aren't pregnant right now. Which, to be honest, is pretty damn good stats, which is why I'm thanking you, Santa.

Do you think you might have something else in 'ya though? Or, could you contact Cupid, or St Valentine, or one of the President's we celebrate on Presidents Day?

Because we could really use a win. This time? I'm amending my request.

One positive pregnancy test, please. Definitely my own.

-------------------------------------------------------

Good news at the RE visit yesterday. Got the usual "Sometimes the best embryos just don't stick, and the crappy ones do" speech, which I was expecting. I know there wasn't going to be any good reason why this didn't work.

We then got down to the business of our FET. Dr S is definitely on the same page as we are- getting this show on the road ASAP. As such, we're going to start BCP as soon as my period arrives, which it keeps threatening. I have totally AF cramps, to the point t where I feel like it's a repeat of the Great Toilet Paper Watch of 2011. I'm not quite to the point of tempting fate with lacy undergarments and white pants, but if we're a no-show this weekend, AF better watch out. I won last time, if you remember.

He wants me on BCP for a min of 3 weeks, at some point starting some lovely Lupron injections to keep me suppressed. I'll come off the BCP, do some u/s's to check out my lining, take some estrogen, start me some PIO-goodness, then transfer in early February, along with the rest of the patients on the Jan/Feb calendar. Bueno. Oh, yeah, and he definitely wants to transfer two again. So we don't have to have that fight later :)

If all goes well, I'll be PUPO by Valentine's Day. Though I have a ski trip planned to Breckenridge the weekend before V-Day, so we'll be planning around that. Maybe the elevation will help???

Could I ask you guys for input again? If you've had one, what did your FET med calendar look like? What kinds of meds were you taking, when, etc. If you've written a post on it, you can direct me there. I feel like all the research I did was on the fresh part of the cycle, not the frozen parts. Thanks!

I'm happy. I still have a crazy low trigger for crying, but honestly, I did before. Not this bad, but not all that abnormal either. I may or may not have cried during Top Chef last night.

Ultimately, I'm just glad to have a plan to get through the holidays, something to focus on instead of the pain and hurt that this cycle ended up as.

The Dark Place

2011-12-21T14:52:00.000-08:00

It's where I go when I'm depressed. I was there a lot before I started Lexapro. I've been there every now and then since I weaned off a little over three years ago. I'm there now. I have so many errands to run today, so many things to do to get ready to travel down to LA Saturday morning. Yet I'm here on the couch, watching my 7th episode in a row of Friday Night Lights.

Of course I am. It's expected. It's one of those days where love and support hurts. Knowing you have all these people around rooting for you and supporting you. Right now, I feel like I just have more people out there who I've let down. People who helped me during this cycle that I feel like wasted their time. Thoughts and prayers that went unanswered.

Emily wrote the sweetest post. Everything that was going through my head yesterday. All the questioning. And while it felt good to read those words, it made me cry. Just like when my IVF nurse called in the afternoon to check up on me. It made me bawl. The best part was me making the mistake of asking when, realistically, we could start our FET. Because right now, all I can think about are two things. 1. Why the hell am I here. 2. When the hell can we start again.

You know what she said? First, I have to cycle out of the provera (probably this weekend). Then, I have to have a natural cycle. Say WHAT??? My natural cycles are effing 50 days long, if I'm lucky. "If you're late you can take provera." Oh gee. That cuts it down to a 45 day cycle. That sure helps. Then I have to do BCP for a month, then the cycle we end up transferring. That, best case scenario, takes about 80 days until we hit CD1 for the FET cycle. Which takes us to the second week of March. Which means we won't even find out until the last week of March. That's three months away.

That's effed up. It sent me into some pretty hysterical sobs, strait into the bathroom with the chaise lounge doing a heck of a lot of the ugly cries. I spend the last half our of work there. Or rather the second to last half hour of work. The final half hour of work I spent on the phone with my friend N talking me down. She's kindof the best. Turns out Dr Boy texted her to call me and talk me down, because he didn't have time to at work. And you know what? She was able to tell him that she already had :) I am so lucky to have the two of them.

I turn 30 on March 13th.

I need this before then. I at least need this CHANCE before then.

I have my WTF appointment tomorrow afternoon with Dr S. I hope to hell she was wrong. I want to start BCP this goddamn weekend and get the show on the road.

Could any of you that have been here (and I am so so sorry that you have), what your timeline looked like? I need to know what's "normal" in this situation. Am I trying to rush it? Because I feel ready. My head needs this to happen much much more than my body needs to heal. I'm fine physically, and will keep working on being fine physically. I just need this to happen as soon as possible, so I can crawl out of the dark place.

I know these all just sounds melodramatic. I kindof want to punch myself for it but I can't seem to stop.

Shocker! (15dpo, 10dp5dt)

2011-12-20T11:20:00.000-08:00

Had my second beta today. Not pregnant. I was reeeeeal surprised.

Not.

A list.
- Last night's PIO shot was the absolute least painful one yet. Go figure.
- I can't wait to feel like I can sleep w/out a sports bra on.
- Estradiol tabs give me heartburn from hell, not wishfully-thought pregnancies.
- Holy hell the withdrawal bleed is going to be awful, huh?
- Dr Boy was awesome and briefed his parents not to bring up the failed test on Sunday. Even when I brought it up, they were really good. No "we'll get 'em next time" or anything else unhelpful. Win.
- I went running last night. First time since Thanksgiving. It's amazing how weak I felt. I run intervals, but could only do one third what I was back then. Lame.
- Also? With every step I took, my PIO butt bruises jiggled. OOOOOWWWWWWWWWW. Today my hips hurt.
- WTF appt is Thursday afternoon. I want to get this FET on the road AS SOON AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE. I feel this sense of urgency about it that I just can't even explain.

I still have a lot to sort through, mentally. I keep forgetting that Dr Boy is going through this too. I'm not strong enough right now to help him get through it, and that sucks. You know what he was doing Sunday morning when I told him? Seeing newborns. Two to three day old newborns. I can't even imagine that.

I'm also grappling with success rates. But that's for another day.

Thanks for all the support and thoughts and prayers. I'm sorry it was a waste of time.

My boobs got my back (9dp5dt)

2011-12-19T12:06:00.001-08:00

At my job, each day I work one of two shifts: one that starts at 6am, or one that starts at 7am (it's flexible, but I vanpool and we head in about that time). Today is my seventh day of work in a row. All with 6am-ers.

Let's first get this on the table that I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON. This fact cannot be rescued by caffeine. I have been known to be saved by the occasional donut or asiago cheese bagel with onion and chive cream cheese, but generally speaking, not. a. morning. person.

Now let's get THIS on the table. I frequently turn my alarm off in my sleep. About half the time, Dr Boy realizes it and gets me up (because he is a saint in this regard and i love him dearly), but the other half? Totally late for work. It's a problem.

Last week, between making holiday english toffee, going back to work after lots of resting, and not sleeping well due to stressing about implantation, I managed to turn my alarm clock off three mornings in a row. I'm talented, huh?

Today was destined to be one of those mornings. I didn't get more than four hours of sleep Saturday night, so I had a lot of catching up to do. I still stayed up too late, opening presents and hanging out with the in-laws. I talked to my mom a little before bed. I FINALLY got to talk to Dr Boy, just the two of us, about the serious possibility, near-certainty, that we were one of those couples that have to go through an IVF BFN. There were tears, sobs, and snot. I finally fell asleep HARD shortly after 11pm.

The alarm very rudely woke me up this morning as I was dreaming about something or other. I know I dreamt but can't for the life of me remember what about. I was sleeping on my back, and started to roll over to turn it off and

BAM!!! HOLY HELL BOOBS FEEL LIKE HOT POKERS ARE STABBING THEM!!! In reality it was only my sheets and mattress, but wow. That sure as hell woke me up. No late for work for me!

So thank you boobs, for having my back, and keeping me from accidentally turning my alarm clock off.

Also, for giving me just the slightest bit of hope that this cycle *may* have actually been successful. Of course, it's more likely that the pain is from the PIO shots we take in the evenings, but still. A girl can dream.

Other "maybe" type symptoms include crazy fiery heartburn from hell no matter what I eat, and crampy ute. Of course, that could be AF trying to bust her way through the PIO/Estradiol, but whatever. I have also had a crazy amount of CM in the last few days. Crazy amount. Grody. Grody. Grody.

I don't know. I'm sure I'm just still trying to cling to the false hope stage. (coincidentally the reason i didn't poas this am) Either way, we'll know when the phlebotomist sings tomorrow.

My embies are lazy (8dp5dt) (edited)

2011-12-18T09:41:00.000-08:00

Which would make sense, since they're half me. I was kindof hoping they'd get the half-my-husband in that department though.

They're still failing to give me any appreciable sign that they're still in there. Two more days of pee sticks, two more big fatty white spaces where a second line should be. I added the First Response Early Results into the mix yesterday, and they're just as pasty white. Maybe if I sent them to the tanning salon they'd respond better?

I had my blood draw this morning. Good times with a mid-forearm vein. Should get the results in a few hours. I'm hoping beyond hope that there's something still in there, just slowly stretching and getting into the hcg-producing swing of things. Slowly. Agonizingly slowly.

Yesterday and Friday were the days of grief. I was finally confronted with the very real possibility that this wouldn't work. That I'd fall into the 30-40% chance of failure, rather than the 60-70% chance of success that Dr S gave me. When he walked out of the room after the transfer, he said that he had no doubt in his mind that they'd be calling me with good news this week. I'm pretty sure the good news wasn't that we'd be sending more $$ their way in a month or two.

Today is more of a numb day. I'm slowly transitioning into the worst phase of my end-of-cycle processing- false hope. You know, the justification part? Well, it was probably just a bad batch of tests. It's still too early to really know. They could just be super-late implanters. Tests have been wrong before! The false hope makes you feel like a complete dupe when the truth comes out, but at least it's kept me from sobbing in front of computer models this morning.

Yes, we have 8 embies on ice waiting in the wings. Yes, they're probably pretty good quality. Yes, I'm still 29. Yes, we still have time. Blah, blah, blah.

Those aren't the things you want to hear when you're facing a BFN after something you thought would get you your take home baby. A great way to celebrate the holidays is with a BFP! Not a bottle of spiced wine. I just feel like I've let everyone down so far, with my mom coming up to take care of me through the retrieval/transfer, and the second beta being drawn on her birthday. And poor Dr Boy, who's rushed home each night to make sure that I had dinner and my PIO injection, and that our diabetic cat was taken care of so I could slack it up on the couch.

The best part is that the in-laws are heading over this afternoon when we get off work to celebrate Christmas with us, since we'll be heading down to So Cal to spend it with my family. You know how my blog title is Meier Madness? It originally stemmed from what I call the trips they take to visit us. While I love them to death, and they truly are wonderful loving people, high doses of the Meier's can be a lot to handle. A lot. And while they know that we'll be finding out some time this week whether we were successful or not, I just don't want to let them into this inner circle quite yet. If today is a false negative, I don't want to drag them down, or have them try to lift me back up. I'm not in the mood. I want to sulk, or celebrate, in peace with Dr Boy. But we won't get to do that. And EVEN better, they're spending the night, so we won't have our time alone until we both get home from work tomorrow. Fab.

I hope I'm just overreacting. I'm good at that. I hope that at least one of these guys chose to stick around. I really just want my Hanukkah miracle.

Please?
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Today's beta came back at less than 5. Guess I'm hoping for a miracle on Tuesday.

Freeze Report and Why Early Testing is the Devil (6dp5dt)

2011-12-16T22:31:00.001-08:00

So last I left you to take a gander at my right column dealio to decipher what we ended up freezing from this cycle. To recap, we still had 17 embies growing on the day of transfer. We transferred two, leaving 15 to continue growing and makin' da behbehs for us.

Our clinic will only freeze (or at least in our case) once an embie hits blasts. They'll give them until day 7 to do so, then call it quits. I called on Monday afternoon (day 7), and found out that 5 embies had hit blast by Sunday and were frozen, and another three caught up on Monday and were added to our lot.

We have 8 snowy embies! Snowbies! If you look at it as 8 out of the 36 that were retrieved, it's kind of depressing knowing that we lost about 75% of what was gathered. On the other hand, we TRANSFERRED TWO AND HAVE EIGHT FROZEN.

That maketh me happy. So do these slippers. Though not in the same way.

Gratuitous PDLAMBLATI. Noone's lookin' at my business,
but they sure are warm and cozy and cute.

Onto the devil sticks. I was emboldened by the success of Rebecca at Pink Lipgloss and Prenatals, whose trigger never tested out. She's had some great beta's and has her first u/s next week :) Awesome!

But anywho, I thought, well, I had some pretty good uterine cramping at 1, 2, and 3 dp5dt (days past a day 5 transfer). No implantation spotting, but that doesn't always happen. I had two GREAT looking embies transferred. Since about Tuesday (hmmmm, the first day I went back to work with a 6am start time) I've been reaching my awake limit at about noon. Right around there, I hit a point where my eyeballs burn and it literally hurts to keep them open. So much so that putting cold spoons on them sounds absolutely divine. Also, no matter what I eat, I get heartburn. Not awful, but definitely makes me think twice about snacking on anything other than cool water.

That's it though. Exhaustion, which can be explained away by lots of activity after lots of inactivity, and heartburn that can be explained away by unhealthy snacking. (though dude, even my dinner salad made me burny)

So I tested yesterday at 5dp5dt. Nothing. I had an incredibly vivid dream just before I woke up, where I just knew I was pregnant. Absolute, one hundred percent certainty. I felt so FULL. Full of everything that I can imagine it would feel like to finally have this happen for us. So Right. Perfect. I woke up still holding onto that feeling, and couldn't keep myself away from the devil sticks.

And I tested again today at 6dp5dt. Nothing. I again dreamt, this time of a co-worker announcing that his wife, whom I met on Tuesday, was pregnant. And due tomorrow. Holy hell, that one sent me into the breakroom in tears. In the dream, of course.

And tomorrow, I will test again. Because really, I've already broken the seal on this round and once you start, you just can't damn well stop before the beta, right? (sunday) But I'm breaking out the Big Guns. I have six First Response Early Results, the Rolls Royce of pee sticks according to Mo.

Please hold me. I'm finally on the doubt side of the roller coaster, and it feels like shit.

Part 2- Transfer Day (3dp5dt)

2011-12-13T23:01:00.000-08:00

So Dr Boy is funny. He's all, That's so mean of you to just stop the story where you did! I know how it turns out and even *I* want to know how it ends!

So I apologize for making you wait. And I feel bad because some of the comments of gotten so far are going to be all "ohhhh, yeah.... ummmm.... I mean, what you decided is fine too! Swearzies!" Or you'll be judgy mcjudgersons but that's ok too.

And, we're back.

Saturday, Dec 10: After a short but restful sleep, we head in for the transfer. Still pretty emotionally exhausted from all the one-or-two talk from the day and night before, but still comfortable to transfer one embie, given the right circumstances.

Transfer PDLAMBLATI.
I call them my embry-ho-ho-ho socks :)

We (my mommasita, Dr Boy, and I) waited nervously in the waiting room, and were called back a few minutes later. I had woken up with cramps that day, worse than I had actually had on Friday, so I was kindof terrified they wouldn't let us go through with the transfer. I was overreacting of course, but still. After I'm ready on the table, Dr S comes in and gives us our day 5 embryology report.

Which threw me into a breakdown of epic proportions and a tailspin of indecision.

Of our perfect embies, the ones that were growing in mass quantities at the proper speed, had failed us. Only 1 of the 17 (!!) still growing on that day had reached blast. On effing day 5.

Sheeeeeeet.

That was not part of the plan!!! We had not accounted for that possibility in our calculations!!! We had decided to transfer one, knowing that we'd likely have a bunch of other blasts to freeze for backup.

And we didn't have the reinforcements we were planning on. The reinforcements that would qualify us for the elective single embryo transfer program (ESET- 2 free frozen cycles if this godforbid failed). The reinforcements that would make us feel secure in only transferring one.

Here are some reasons I shouldn't have started sobbing and staring back and forth at my mom and Dr Boy. And flipping out not knowing what to do.
- Our blast? It was picture perfect. And given the highest grade our clinic gives out. So it was a pretty awesome blast.
- We still had 16 others growing, a bunch of which weren't far behind. By the embryologist's guess, only off by 6-12 hrs.
- If others hit blast *that day*, we *might* be able to retroactively qualify for the ESET program.

Of course, none of that was truly sinking in. All that was going through my damn head was that we only had one damn blast to transfer and now what the hell do we do.

Dr S really asked the question that put it into perspective. In a week, when we're going in for the beta, what question would we be saying to ourselves. Awww eff-balls, we could be having twins! Or, Awww, eff-balls, what if this doesn't work.

Dr Boy decided it for us- we go with two. The fear of failure at that point in time far outweighed the fear of a multiple pregnancy. With all the things that can go wrong between morula and blast, it's no sure bet that the rest would get there. It's no sure thing that even a picture perfect embie will stick. And we were never really driven by the financial incentive of ESET to begin with.

It was completely NOT the decision that I expected to walk out of the office having made, but I'm so glad we did. So glad. I still feel a bit selfish, but what's done is done, and I know that given the circumstances, we did what we needed to do to feel confident that this cycle was handled properly, both by us and our Dr.

Meet our little embies, a *perfect* blast, and a compacting blast, whatever that means.

We love them already. More than you can imagine.
(NO! I'm NOT crying right now. I don't know what you're talking about.)

I spent the rest of the day horizontal, relaxing and watching tv, and eventually saying goodbye to mommasita who had to head back to LA LA land. It was so, so amazing to have her here for the week. I would *not* have recovered as quickly without her. And I also would have driven Dr Boy batshit crazy.

Sunday, Dec 11: Uhhhh.... boring day. Still horizontal on the couch. More movies. And resting. And... what is that? Period crampiness? Wha wha? I hear that's a good thing, but seriously, it felt like I was about to get my period. I'm still having them, but Sunday and Monday were the strongest, for sure.

The other entertaining part about Sunday! I had just told the IVF nurse the day before about how the PIO shots were totally not that bad, and I'm so lucky to have a Dr at home injecting me, and blah blah blah PIO is totally not the devil. Then BAM. I can't feel my ass. For serious. I guess the needle (inevitably) went through a minor superficial nerve, and as Dr Boy was rubbing the site after the shot, I realized I couldn't feel it. Awesomesauce. It's mostly just on the surface, I can still feel the deep tissue and all, but no surface feeling. At all. I changed my mind about the PIO that night.

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This is long enough so I'll tell you about the final Day 7 embryology report, and how many (if any) we had to freeze. Or you could just look on my sidebar to the right. And tell me that I'm a big baby over-reacting nincompoop. Or you could wait until I type it all up tomorrow when I'm not exhausted.

Thanks for sticking with me! Only 4 1/2 days until my beta!!!

I'm alive! And PUPO! (2dp5dt)

2011-12-12T23:10:00.000-08:00

Get Well flowers, from the in-laws.... really pretty!

Ummm.... so I kindof dropped off the face of the IVF blogging scene, huh? I was soooo soooo tired mid-week and had my mom in town taking care of me- bad combination for keeping up with the updates! Then we had the transfer, and seriously, blogging while horizontal is effing annoying. So I didn't do it. I'll try and recap the last few days for ya'll.

Wednesday Dec 7: Called for an updated fert. report, and was told our embies were still growing strong! At 2 days past retrieval, we had 1 6-cell, 5 5-cell, 10 4-cell, and 1 3-cell embryos. A-effing-mazing. The discomfort from retrieval was getting a lot better at this point, completely attributed to the drill-sergeant I have for a mother with regards to my protein and fluid intake. Dr Boy helped too :)

EAT MORE PROTEIN! AND DRINK YOUR WATER! Or else...

I was still relying pretty heavily on my heating pad though- I swear that thing is an egg retrieval LIFE SAVER. Oh, and the colace. Even if you think you won't have a regularity problem? Take it. I did twice a day after the Annoyed Army Wife mentioned how pleasant post-retrieval moments can be. Never had a single problem :) Also? Lupron triggers don't light up an HPT. I checked :)

Thursday Dec 8: Called for an updated fert report, and to double-check we weren't doing a day three transfer. Found out Dr S was bragging about my embryo quality at the staff meeting that day... woohoo! Brag-worthy embies!!! We had a bunch of 8, 9, and 10-celled embies at that point (morulas?). Scheduled for a Saturday morning transfer. I felt a ton better that day, good enough to go out to lunch, on a walk, and rode in the car for a bit to pick a friend up from the airport.

Bedrest sure is hard, ya'll.

Friday Dec 9: Went to work for a 1/2 day. Definitely overdid it, activity-wise, but am glad I did in hindsight. I'm bedrest BORED! Called for my daily updated fert report, and found out that we had lost one or two embies, but most were still going strong. Crazy! Amazing, but crazy. Finally confident that we avoided the dreaded OHSS, as my weight only fluctuated by a couple of pounds through the week. As of today, I'm only up 6 lbs from my pre-IVF weight. I attribute this to the rapid increase in my sugar intake. And the 36 eggs retrieved.

Friday is the day that I pretty much went crazy, though. We were finally at (side note: my dog just ate a spider. i am thankful and grossed out all at the same time) a point where we had to make the one-or-two decision. I could write pages on this, but it really boiled down to two things. One, I didn't think I could handle a BFN if we only transferred one, knowing that we didn't do "everything" possible to make this succeed. Two, Dr Boy and my Mommasita were worried about the repercussions of a twin pregnancy. Not the aftermath- we know we could handle two at once financially and time-wise. It's more the medical perspective, and the increased risk to both me and the babies. I know people do it all the time. I know that. The twitters helped a lot- I got a lot of unique perspectives from people who had been there and done that. Ultimately though, I couldn't shake the feeling that I was pushing to transfer two for selfish reasons. I finally came to the conclusion that in the long run, I couldn't live with the fact that if something happened to the babies, it would have been because I was too selfish to just transfer one.

We decided that if we had multiple good quality embies at the blast stage on Saturday morning, we would transfer one. Our clinic freezes embies once they hit blast, which meant that if godforbid it didn't work out this time around, we knew we'd definitely have good options for an FET. They give them until day 7 to reach that point before they consider them non-viable. If we didn't, we'd go with two. This decision was INCREDIBLY hard-fought and stressful. I was pretty damn irritable and bitchy all night, but after a lot of tears and sobs and tissue, both Dr Boy and I were comfortable with our decision to go with one.

Sushi nomnomnomnom....

We went out for sushi that night as my "last supper." It was amazingly delicious. Even Dr Boy ate some! I consider this a big win. We all went to bed pretty darn late, completely exhausted after all the emotional discussions that went on throughout the day.

Of course though, the more you plan, the more things get shaken up.

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I'll finish this off tomorrow... I'm exhausted and have to head back to work tomorrow!!! It's the office holiday party though, so at least it'll be a fun day :) Missed you guys!

Oh Chai! (CD15) (& fert report)

2011-12-07T00:44:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling a bit better than yesterday. I felt considerably worse as the day wore on yesterday, which I suppose is normal as your body starts to realize that it's lady bits have been assaulted by a needle and vacuum probe. I slept horribly. I am definitely a stomach sleeper- something I attempted at 3am but was incredibly unsuccessful at. Or rather, it was highly successful as long as I didn't need to breathe, which lasted for all of 15 seconds. Sleep Fail.

Doing better today. I don't feel like I need to hold my stomach to my body as I walk anymore. I swear, I felt like if I didn't physically push my stomach towards my body, it would fall off. It's like I had absolutely no control over my abdominal cavity. Which is also probably why I'm super sore in my ribcage just under my boobs, as I think I'm using those muscles to sit and stand more than I clearly ever did in the past. Oh, and Medrol? It gives me a case of the nausea. Real bad.

Enough bitching though.

Fertilization report is in!!!

Of the 36 eggs retrieved, 22 were mature.

Of the 22 mature eggs, 18 fertilized.

18 fertilized eggs. I know this is an absolutely effing fabulous number of embies to start off with. <insert ungrateful remarks here> It's just a little hard when you see that it's literally 50% of where we started yesterday. <end ungratefulness> But I'm not going to look a gift embie in the mouth, I'm going to focus on the 18. Not the 36. The wonderful, positively great, worked extremely hard for 18.

Also? 18 is a very lucky number in the Jewish faith. It represents life. The symbol for it, Chai (pronounced "hi" with the weird throaty ch sound) it pictured above. It's a popular charm to wear and have around, even the phrase "L 'Chaim!" means "to life"! It's GOT to be a sign, right? Right?

So for now, I will proclaim L'chaim! as I take my PIO. And keep hoping that some of these 18 embies end up as a part of our lives in a concrete way, not just little guys trying to grow in a dish.

Retrieval complete (CD14)

2011-12-05T09:39:00.001-08:00

All done! The ultrasound this morning showed plenty of eggs for retrieval, and it just looked like the smaller immature follicles left the party.

On my way home now. Pretty groggy, but generally ok.

Retrieval count?

36.

Wowzers. I'll find out tomorrow how many were mature and fertilized.

Retrieval PDLAMBLATI

My Oves Like the Dramaz. (CD12)

2011-12-03T23:02:00.000-08:00

I knew I should have been worried that things were running too smoothly.

PDLAMBLATI for the day. Hot DAMN I love these socks from Emily.
Also? I swear I don't have cankles even though it looks like it.

I forgive them for not being super lucky today.

Rewind to yesterday. Had my am appt with wandy and the blood draw. Things looked fine on the ultrasound. Righty was continuing to dominate the party, and lefty a few mm behind. Not bad though. On the right, we had around 25 large follies, the largest being 18.6, 18.5, 18.0, and 18.0. Lefty had around 20 large ones, with sizes around 18.2, 17.3, 16.7, and 16.4. Based on that, Dr S gave me a 90% chance of triggering last night, but wanted to hold off the final decision to take a look at the bloodwork. He *wanted* to wait another day, to give lefty a chance to catch up, but didn't think righty would wait. My bloodwork came back with an e2 of 4228, and a progesterone of 0.5. Based on that, we decided to wait one more day. We took no pm stim shot, and were to hold off on the morning follistim until Dr S could take a look at the oves.

Fast forward to today. We go in for the u/s this morning, and it would appear that righty has totally stopped growing- in fact, the largest seemed like they even lost a little ground. Sizes were 19.3, 19.2, 18.7, and 17.3. Lefty follicles did grow a bit, sized 20.0, 19.6, 18.9, and 18.3. We got the green light to go for the lupron trigger tonight and set a retrieval time of 7:30am Monday morning. We decided that everything was big enough, so no am dose of stims.

Then my bloodwork came back. My e2, in 24 hours, had plummeted to 1866, and my progesterone dropped to 0.5. Not. Good. At. All. No, no, no. The nurse called around 3pm and told me to take a 150 unit dose of Follistim ASAP-RIGHT-NOW-PLEASE. Basically, what we think happened is that the follies on righty got tired of being the over-achieving growers, and pooped out. We probably lost some of them by going so low on stims over the last 36 hours, instead of coasting like was the goal. Lefty's continued to grow, but weren't contributing as much e2 to the party. The rescue dose of follistim this afternoon was taken to try and prevent us from losing any more follies between now and Monday morning.

Click to enlarge. The madness that has been my stimming.

Fuckity fuck.

Dr S said he's fully confident that we'll still have plenty to retrieve, but we're probably looking at more like 10-20 instead of the 20-30+ that we were looking at before. Though there's still a fair-to-good chance that we'll continue to have follies bail the party. Effers. I liken this to a party running out of beer- some people leave, some people wait for the host to run to the gas station to pick up a few more cases. I'm hoping enough people stuck around for the reinforcements. This won't affect egg quality at all, just the amount retrieved.

There's also a chance, he said, that everyone could bail before retrieval. Eff balls. We're going to do a quick u/s Monday morning before I get set up for surgery to double check that all my follies haven't deflated. If there aren't many left, we may cancel the retrieval and start over next month. It terrified me to even type that. Dr S said that there are lots of clinics who wouldn't even bother with a retrieval if this were to happen- though he still absolutely will. Because I had so damn many mature follies yesterday, he thinks a retrieval will still be more than worth it even with losing a bunch. Still though. Fuck.

So we're triggered. And please, please, think patient thoughts for my follies- give them the patience to hold out until more beer arrives. Please. Because I don't want to plan another party. Not any time soon. Nope. I don't.

It's not all rainbows and unicorn farts (CD10)

2011-12-01T12:22:00.000-08:00

The life of an IVF patient is pretty damn glamorous, as you've all realized by now. I mean, we are the center of attention for a hoard of people for damn near two months, we get to take nearly a week off work, we get to use expensive medications... It's awfully fancy-pants.

The not-so-glamorous side, however, includes the shots. The awfully bruising shots because of the baby aspirin you're taking. The Frequent Wandings. The rapidly increasing list of people who've seen your business. (wait, that's celeb-like too. scratch.) The weight gain. The ugly cries.

But you all know about that stuff too. There have been quite a few things that I wasn't prepared for with this IVF business, though. You're about to get a whole heck of a lot more personal with me right now, so step aside if you're not game. These include:

- A mother effing yeast infection. Made possible by the ten-day course of doxycycline I took post-mock-transfer. Common, yes, after coming off of a round of antibiotics, mother effing annoying? Also yes.

- Pee cramps. Every time I pee out some of the daily 100 oz of water I'm trying to drink, my entire abdomen cramps up. I have to stop and start, stop and start, just to allow the rest of my innards to ooze back to where they're supposed to be. Ow.

- The runs. Admittedly, I've been consuming a lot of protein. A lot. And for a girl who just a few months ago added meat back into her diet after 15 years of abstinence, it's been interesting. Lots of belly-gurgling. Which is fun with the pee cramps.o

- The lack-of-runs. I keep going back and forth between not being able to poo and HAVING TO GO NOW. Constipation sucks. Especially at 3am.

-Lafobbing. Otherwise known as sobbing so hard you realize you're ridiculous and start laughing. But you can't stop sobbing either, so you end up with tears and snot streaming down your face and you try not to inhale them during bits of maniacal laughter. This has happened once per day thus far, since about stim day 6.

- Granny panties and Mu mus. You REALLY think you're going to be fitting into your Sevens when you've gained five pounds in as many days, all in your waistline? Think again. Mu mu's are your best friends, and thongs will get more up close and personal with your business than wandy if you attempt to whip them out this time of the month. (unfortunately, this one speaks from experience)

So there you have it. The ugly side of ~~Hollywood~~ IVF. And this is all PRE-retrieval. Super. It's a good thing my boobs are getting (even) bigger, because Dr Boy reads this blog and I'm pretty sure this post is one big ock-block, if yaknowwhatimean.

Anything else you've all experienced that I have to look forward to?

What we've been up to, through today. Friday's dosage is TBD pending the am wanding.
Click to zoom.

Goodbye, NaBloPoMo (CD9)

2011-11-30T22:49:00.000-08:00

Today is my final *required* daily post for NaBloPoMo. Am I glad I did it? I think so. This has been one absolutely crazy month, and I know I wouldn't have been able to remember nearly as much as I would have wanted to without Big Brother making sure I did.

Will I continue to post every day? Ah hells no. More than I did before, for sure, but definitely not every day. I mean, there were a few days in there that I posted absolute crap just to post, and that's not fair to all of you. I'm not in the time-wasting business, just remembering. And talking about myself. And getting ya'lls advice. A lot.

--------------------------

PDLAMBLATI*... Thanks, W&W!

Enough about that. You're probably wondering how my u/s went this morning, huh?

Good! First off, LOVE the nurse that drew my blood this morning. I have awfully difficult veins, and she got me on the first stick, completely blind. Love it.

Second off, my e2 has started to level off, which is fantastic. It rose to 3673 today, up from 2864 two days ago. Dr S wanted it to stay at or below 4K today, so good times! I'm all up for decreasing my chances for OHSS, and have been really good the last two days about getting my required 100g protein. I even drank 100 ounces of water today. Holy hell. Must be making a difference. Maybe.

My lining was still at 8.1mm. Boo. Not bad, just not better.

As far as follies go, 'ol righty continues to be the breadwinner in the family, though lefty is still making a significant contribution. Righty has 16 large follicles, the largest of which are 14.1mm, 14.1mm, 14mm, and 13.9mm. Lefty has a respectable 12 large ones, 14.0mm, 13.1mm, 13.1mm, and 12.9mm. Basically, everything has grown between 2-4mm since Monday, about 1-2mm per day.

Follicles? These are my readers.
Readers? These are my follicles.
Make nice.

We've done some creating dosing decisions for the next couple of days. I held at 75 units follistim this am and 1 vial menopur in the pm. Thursday, we're lowering to 50 units follistim, and skipping the pm menopur (yayzies!). Friday, I'm bringing the am follistim to the appt and Dr S will decide where to go. Looks like we'll either be triggering Friday or Saturday, for a Sunday or Monday retrieval. Crazy, considering the Monday retrieval is what they quoted in my calendar. Who would have guessed that it would actually have gone according to plan???

I'm off to go get some sleep... and maybe another glass of water :) Night!

*PDLAMBLATI- Please don't look at my business look at these instead.

Caviar Taste. (CD8)

2011-11-29T12:39:00.000-08:00

This has absolutely nothing to do with my post.
Though I think she's saying "I'm glad you don't eat Le Beef"

So a couple of weeks ago, Emily commented on one of my pre-IVF posts "Have you told your ov's your plan yet? They are going to be SO PISSED when they find out what you are gunna make them do!"

Holy hell that girl was right. The cramping started Sunday night. The bloat started in earnest yesterday. I'm up 3.8 pounds. I can feel some swelling in my hands and face, kindof like when you eat a meal that has way too much salt or MSG in it. To combat all of that I'm supposed to try and eat around 100 grams of protein per day, and drown myself in water and electrolytes.

My oves have realized that I'm finally making them get up off their lazy asses and WORK DAMNIT. Their response? "Fine. You want follies? We'll GIVE you follies." I got my results from the e2 bloodwork yesterday.

2864. Wowzers. Help me, Rhonda. Come on, Eileen.

My oves have caviar taste, what can I say. When all we were spending was random $5 copays for IUIs, they laughed. "Really? That's like giving a girl a garage sale purse instead of heading to Coach. We're not putting out for that." Now that we've written the big check for IVF? They're giving up the goods. They wanted to make sure we BOUGHT the damn cow instead of getting the milk for free.

More news tomorrow when we have our u/s. I'm to hold my dose tonight at 1 unit menopur, take my ganirelix in the morning before the appt, but bring the follistim so they can decide how much to give me.

Dare I say it... I actually have hope.

Where I learn I can grow follicles (CD7)

2011-11-28T12:36:00.000-08:00

Today's PDLAMBLATI (thanks, Waiting and Wishing!)

And lots of them, at that.

There aren't many times a PCOS-er is thankful for the hundreds of piece of ess cysts she's got on her oves. During the stim phase of IVF? That's one of them.

Turns out I've got about 14 "good sized" follicles growing on 'ol righty. My RE categorizes "good sized" as 8 or above. The biggest four were 12.3mm, 11.6mm, 11.4mm, and 10.9mm. Lefty is slacking, but only to the tune of 10 "good sized" follies, the biggest of which were 11.6mm, 11.1mm, 10.8mm, and ~9mm. I'm happy. Very, very happy.

Recap: around 7 follies over 10mm on the morning of stim day 6. At least 15 more above 8mm. Score!!! Waiting to hear back about what godawful heights my e2 has climbed to. The plan is to hold our doses at 75 follistim and 1 vial menopur, and start adding in the Ganirelix as soon as I get home this afternoon (moving it to the am tomorrow).

Estimated trigger? Friday or Saturday, which means estimated retrieval? Sunday or Monday.

HFS.

Also, I made a completely anal-retentive spreadsheet to keep things straight. Enjoy!

It could have been worse- I refrained from color-coding.

Just swell. (CD6)

2011-11-27T21:14:00.000-08:00

Apparently having your e2 go up by eighteen-fold in four days causes quite the ruckus in one's mid-section. My tummy has been progressively more tender through the day, and I swear, if you were bored enough, you could watch it grow like bamboo. I swear.

Needless to say, this is the first of what I'm sure will be many uncomfortable days ahead. All for a damned good cause, but uncomfortable nonetheless. I am so antsy to get a peek at what's going on in there, which I will in about ten hours. I'm also grateful that my body is responding. I was so doubtful after the piss-poor response we were getting with the IUI stims. Apparently Follistim just does this body good. I made sure to get some protein in with dinner, and had my first bottle of Gatorade. Weight gain as of this morning was 1.6 lbs, though I'm not sure how much of that is ove bloat and how much is sugar bloat

Also? I know I said it yesterday, but I'm so glad I went on a run yesterday. I'm feeling the way I thought I would today, which means no more running for a while. Glad I still did while I could.

10 more hours...

Holy Estradiol, Batman! (CD5)

2011-11-26T23:48:00.000-08:00

Soooo.... I got my e2 results back. To recap:

11/22 Tuesday: e2 of 55, suppressed ovaries with 25+ follicles on each
11/23 Wednesday: 150 units Follistim am, 2 vials Menopur pm
11/24 Thursday: 150 units Follistim am, 2 vials Menopur pm
11/25 Friday: 150 units Follistim am, 2 vials Menopur pm
11/26 Saturday: 150 units Follistim am

The e2 today? 892. Holy effing ess. Holy. Effing. Ess.

It's funny, as soon as they called, I was all "Wow... I sure feel a lot of pressure near the oves." I'm terrified that I'm stimming too fast and I'm going to get all immature eggs. Terrified. Or, I'm going to end up hyperstimmed.

Needless to say, Dr S decided to cut my doses in half. We started tonight, and cut the pm Menopur down to 1 vial. Tomorrow morning with be 75 units of Follistim. I go in Monday morning for another blood draw and my first U/S.

Also, I went on what I think will be my last run until I feel safe while pregnant tonight. My dad, brother, and Dr Boy all went through the greenbelt in town, and it felt awesome. I'm really glad I got that in before things get going *too* much, and I'm glad my family got to enjoy that part of the town we live in too.

But the rest of it?

HFS.

Blood Draw-maz (CD5)

2011-11-26T12:27:00.000-08:00

So you know how I mentioned I was starting to get stretched a little thin?

Yeah, I definitely am.

The evidence? I went to bed at 11:30 last night after the movie, frozen yogurt (red velvet cake batter/cable car chocolate swirl with hot fudge, more sprinkles than yogurt, and a little spritz of whipped cream) (clearly the sugar fast is over) (though i know i need to dial it back when the fam's gone), and hanging with the fam back at the house before everyone went to bed. Woke up at 5am this morning to get to work by 6. Left work at 8 to get my blood drawn. Pulled up to the lab, and realized I COMPLETELY FORGOT TO TAKE MY LAB ORDERS. Mother effer. Another case of me being my father's absent-minded daughter.

After a frantic call home to Dr Boy (who was *just* about to get in the shower, thank god I didn't wait), he sent over some cell phone pics of the documents, so the lab could at least get started with the paperwork, draw, and processing. They wouldn't send anything back to my RE until we faxed things over though, but we had until 11am to do that. PHEW! I am so grateful they did that for me, as there was NO WAY I could drive home and get it, especially not before the 9am deadline the RE gave me. And NOT with having to head back to work right after.

Then the phlebotomist told me all about her love of purses, gastric bypass surgery, and how she left her husband after she lost the weight and her husband couldn't handle it. She went out to get the mail, and never came back.

Dramaz! To her credit, she found a vein pretty damn easily in my arm and it didn't hurt. Win! I should be getting a call from the RE in a couple of hours to see what my E2 is and if we need to adjust the meds.

After work, we add in-law madness to the plate. Four of my family are leaving though, so it's an even exchange. Still, I cannot WAIT to sleep for a year after this weekend is over. Maybe Dr Boy can just give me my injections while I'm passed out?

Short and Sweet (CD4)

2011-11-25T23:18:00.000-08:00

I've been hanging out with family since Wednesday which has been AWESOME. I am starting to get spread a bit thin though. My parents, grandma, brother, uncle, uncle's gf and her two kids, and my parents two dogs all came up to visit, some at our house, and some at the hotel. I am so thankful they're all here, but the reason they came up here? I have work. 6am to 2pm. Every. Day. So I'm kindof flippin' tired now. Really. Really. Tired.

Oh? Also? Today was our fourth day of shots. We were out at dinner at 6:30, when it was time, we headed back to the bathroom and did the deed there. How's THAT for a quickie! The menopur burns more than it used to, though we were given 27 gauge needles this time instead of the 31 gauge needles we used during our IUIs. They are DEFINITELY worse, and I highly recommend requesting the 31's. For serious. Also, the follistim is leaving little bruises. Very, very annoying.

Last, we went to see Hugo tonight, in 3-D. The first act was a bit slow, but once it got going, the movie was truly beautiful. Highly recommend, but not for kids. Too slow. But beautiful. That's not the point of mentioning that though. They had previews for some other movies coming out... one of which was the re-released Titanic in 3-D. It brought me right back to senior year of high school, when I saw the movie in the theaters THREE TIMES. And bawled my flippin' eyes out. THREE TIMES. Glutton for punishment, this one is :) So back to the preview. Just watching it? Bawled my eyes out. Damn stims. I was quite the source of entertainment for my family today!

TVT, Turkey Style (CD3)

2011-11-24T12:07:00.000-08:00

It's Thought Vomit Thanksgiving, ya'll! I am way too tired from cleaning and baking and organizing and setting up for my visiting family (four staying with us, four in a hotel) to put together more than bullet points today. Though, let's be honest, when do I ever?

- After three injections, I have entered the irrational crying stage of IVF. I cried this morning at how happy I was that everyone was in town. I cried when I got a picture of my dad and brother, who just finished running their first joint 10K. I cried when I started THINKING about how annoyed I am at not being able to watch HIMYM for a while. To be honest though? This irrational crying thing? Makes me feel more like me. So I'm good with it.

- The final weigh-in is complete for my sugar-fast challenge. On Halloween, the first day I abstained, I came in at a shocking 193 lbs. Thank you, two rounds of IUI/injectables, and lots of Mike's Pastry in Boston. And finding consolation in a bottle (ha! *a* bottle) of good wine. And a bag (or two or three) of Trader Joe's white cheddar puffed corn (fake pirate booty). To recap, I'm 5' 8 1/2". Last year at this time, I was 178. Super duper. So.... what does running a 5K and laying off the white stuff for 25 days get you? FIVE POUNDS. Yup, I weighed in at 187.8 this morning. It helps that some of the AF bloat went down too. It's def not where I want to be, but it's a good starting point.

- I went on another baking binge Tuesday night, to make my family think I'm all Suzy Homemaker. I baked chocolate zucchini muffins, pumpkin spice muffins*, GF pumpkin bread, and pumpkin cookies w/cinnamon icing. The most impressive part of that was actually cooking all the damn deliciously battered items without tasting A SINGLE MORSEL OF BATTER. Or finished product. Until yesterday.

- Apparently, there are a few of you out there that like me! I've been bestowed the Liebster Award! Apparently, Liebster means "dearest" in German. This one has been floating around the blogosphere this week, going to folks with less than 200 followers. I received it from three other awesome ladies whose blogs I *love* to see pop up on my unread reader list. Rebeccah from Pink Lipgloss and Prenatals, Oak from Acorn Chronicles, and Kelly from Team Baby are all rockstars themselves, and I VERY much appreciate knowing that they enjoy my thought vomit! They've all been great support so far in this IVF journey, as have the rest of you!

Here are the rules to pass this baby on:

1. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you.

2. Reveal your top five picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
3. Copy and paste the award on your blog.

4. Hope that the people you’ve sent the award to forward it to their five favorite bloggers and keep it going!

Here are 5 bloggers I would like to pass the award on to:

1. Lauren, from Not Just An Army Wife (she barely squeaks in at 195 followers!)

2. Lauren, from The Army Doctor's Wife and P(c)OS Ovaries

3. Megan, from This Space for Rent

4. The lovely Waiting and Wishing

5. Emily, from A Peek into our Journey

These ladies are all truly wonderful, and deserve a good look! They'll crack you up and make you cry, all at the same time. Or maybe that's just me....

Anyways, Happy Thanksgiving!!! And to those of you *not* celebrating Thanksgiving, Happy Thursday!

*One box spiced cake mix, one can of pumpkin, 1/2 cup water. Bake according to the directions on the box, add a minute or two of baking time. Thanks, Lauren, for the recipe!!! She also suggests you add a decadent cream cheese frosting... hold me...

Take THAT, ute! (CD2)

2011-11-23T22:37:00.000-08:00

The taunting worked :) I arrived home yesterday after work and errands... and voila! Just barely, too, as the props used in the taunting were unscathed. One point JM, Zero points Ute.

See kids? Scare tactics work. And school yard bullying.

We did our first injection this morning, and our second this evening. The schedule for now is for 150 units Follistim in the mornings, and 2 vials of Menopur in the evenings. Dr Boy has been awesome and woke up at 5:30am today so he could inject me before I left for work. He rocks the IVF-spouse job. The follistim bruised. Not a fan. It didn't burn or hurt, just left a surprising bruise. The menopur hurt like a mother effer this time! Which shocked me, because I didn't find it that bad last time. I think we shot it too close to the follistim bruise. We'll fix that one tomorrow, for sure.

The plan is to do bloodwork on Saturday and evaluate things. (Did I mention my e2 from Tuesday came back at 55? Nice and suppressed. Though not as low as it could have been. Oh well.) I'll have my next ultrasound on Monday, which will be the 6th day of stims. Good times!

Also, I ended the sugar fast today, since I started stims. My breaker of choice? A pumpkin spice cookie with cinnamon frosting. It. Was. Amazing. I made it a very proud 25 days.... woohoo! It'll definitely make me think twice about the sugar I put into my body from here on out. At least for, say, the next five minutes or so.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

I'm suppressed.

2011-11-22T14:50:00.000-08:00

Had a bit of both the good and the bad this morning. Part of the good was Dr Boy being there for the visit :) With how hectic his schedule is, it's awesome that he's making the effort to go to as much as possible, even if it means getting up a whole hour earlier.

The good- I'm properly suppressed. Lots of follies on each ovary (he said 25+), all nice and small and anxiously awaiting the hard stuff. My lining was measuring about 3.5mm or maybe a wee bit thicker, so Dr S said to expect AF to arrive later today or tomorrow. I have yet to experience a single abdominal cramp, so we'll see about that. (side note: I am taunting AF HARD CORE today. I wore light khaki pants, and fancy undies. And a hot pink sweater. I am practically saying "nah nah nah nah nah, you can't catch me!" in hopes that she's as petty as I am and will show up. I use taunting whenever possible. Even with my own body.) We had a funsies back-of-the-hand blood draw, and we're going to see what my E2 is to decide whether to start stimming tomorrow or Thursday. Ack. Big, big, ack. I should hear from them in the next half hour or so.

The bad- Dr Boy had another analysis of his contribution a little bit ago. They run a more detailed SA for IVF at my clinic than they do for IUIs, with much more strict criteria for morphology and such. Dr S said that only about 25% of samples actually pass the threshold (15% morphology something-or-other) and get recommended to regular old fertilization post-retrieval. Unfortunately, Dr Boy's sample was only at 8%. So, we have a couple of choices. Go ahead and do ICSI, or retest on the day of the retrieval and decide.

We're not sure what to do. Or rather, I'm not sure what to do. I'd rather fertilize naturally, but Dr Boy just wants to take the sure bet. Obviously if the test comes back sub-par on retrieval day, we'll just ICSI and be done with it, because certainly rather get lots of fertilized eggs than not. I think we're going to table that one for now and decide later. That's a plan I can get on board with.

So... yeah! There we are. One of our last injection-free days for the next four months or so, hopefully!

Oh, and here's your daily dose of my "please-don't-look-at-my-biznass-look-at-these-instead" socks. Otherwise known as PDLAMBLATI socks. Also, I shaved my sasquatch legs today. Not for Dr Boy. For the RE.

Today's PDLAMBLATI brought to you by my SIL. I think.

Welcome, ICLWers!

2011-11-21T23:10:00.000-08:00

Welcome to anyone stopping by my little piece of the interwebz from ICLW! I love finding new blogs during this time of the month... and I love when new people find me! But really, who doesn't, right?

You've found me right at the start of our journey with our first round of IVF. After almost three years of trying, three rounds of clomid, and two IUI's with menopur, this PCOS-er is moving on and pulling out the big guns. I've got super cystey ovaries, so IVF is the best way to stim them and still control how many babies I pop out at the end :) We took our last BCP on Thursday, and are patiently waiting for AF to arrive so we can start our stims for the antagonist protocol. Either way, our suppression check is tomorrow, bright and early.

Aside from that, I'm your typical almost-thirty year old infertile. Lots of obsessing over each little thing, crying at HIMYM, wistfully staring at moms participating in stroller 5K's.

Oh yeah, also? I've sworn off sugar until I start stims. Today marks my 22nd day. Which, you'll notice, started on HALLOWEEN. I know not why I torture myself.

Stop by and say hi... I'll do the same!

Patiently Waiting

2011-11-20T23:55:00.000-08:00

For my family to arrive Wednesday for Thanksgiving.

For my (hopefully) last CD1 for the next year-ish to arrive.

To start IVF.

Baseline u/s is Tuesday morning no matter what happens.

Patience is not a virtue I possess.

I trotted! Turkey Style!

2011-11-19T22:38:00.000-08:00

I did it! I finished the race :) I knew I would finish. The only thing in question was the time. I'm thrilled to say I finished the Turkey Trot in 39:23- which was faster than my goal of 42 minutes! I know it's still a painfully slow pace (just over 13 minute miles), but I'm still happy. I haven't run a race in 7 years, and to be honest, this is the first one I didn't want to die after having run. I consider that a WIN!

Also a win? The fabulous sign my friends made for me and Dr Boy at the finish line. It definitely gave me the adrenaline I needed to SPRINT the last 20 seconds or so.

Names have been obscured to protect the guilty

Rock on.

Things of note:
- I love running intervals. I ran (with a friend) for the first 11 minutes straight, then took on intervals of 3 minutes running, 1 minute walking. Worked for us!
- The adrenaline of all those people starting out the race together? Intense! No wonder we skipped our first few walking intervals.
- It was 41 degrees when we started the race. I wish I had mittens. But at least I looked cute-ish?

Admire the fancy running gear

- Dr Boy finished 5 minutes faster than me. Damn him. My consolation prize? I hurt less now than he does. Of course, I trained, and he didn't, so that's fair.
- After the race, Dr Boy had a beer. Because that's how he rolls. We then went to breakfast and ate way more food than is justified for only having run 3 miles. Whatever. It was delicious.
- I'll be taking December off of running (IVF, duhzies), but plan on getting back on the horse in January, pregnant or not. After consulting my physician, of course. The real one. Not the one I'm married to.

Thanks for all the support!

(also, here's one of my favorite pics from this morning, before the race. Love.

We are clearly way too cool for this race.

The kindness of "strangers"

2011-11-18T22:34:00.000-08:00

You might remember that about a month ago, when Dr Boy and I were struggling with the decision of whether to go with another menopur/IUI, a fantastic pregnant-with-miracle-trips-through-IVF blogger, Emily, sent me some AWESOME socks. We all know how important socks are! I like to think that it's the socks they're paying attention to while I'm all up in the stirrups, not my biznass. And ya'll will just have to let me live with that illusion.

Well, looks like the immense kindness of the IF community has struck again! I am so lucky to be a part of this group- you are all such wonderful people, and immense sources of knowledge and strength. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

But back to the story. Something AWESOME-SAUCE showed up in the mail today. Something that looked like this:

My cycle-buddy over at Waiting and Wishing sent me an IVF care package. She and I took our last BCP on the same day, so we'll be quite close to each other in terms of cycling. Which is soooo nice. So nice to share the crazy. I like to think that we keep each other entertained. I made her look bipolar on the elliptical, and she made me rethink the way I look at public restrooms forever. We're a good pair!

Not one, but TWO pairs of awesome please-don't-look-at-my-biznass-look-at-these-instead socks. A bookmark with a beautiful inspirational quote. And a note card that looks like it has TWO IMPLANTABLE EMBRYOS!! How flippin' awesome is that?

I am so lucky, you guys. In spite of all this unlucky, I am lucky.

Ode to my BCP

2011-11-17T13:56:00.000-08:00

You are now done.

Let's have some fun.

With ovulatory action.

And a bun to put in my ovun.

Today I took my last birth control pill. Quite the exciting swallow. (that's what she said) (yes I'm mature enough to parent) (or at least i will be in 9 months)

I do have a dilemma though, and I'd love some advice. Initially, my protocol involved me taking 22 BCP's, which would make tomorrow my last. Back in the day that I thought I actually needed birth control, I used to get a CD1 about 5 or 6 days after the last pill, which in this case would be Wed or Thurs. I'm supposed to have a baseline u/s on CD1, then start stims on CD2. Right now that u/s is scheduled for Tues, which I think will be too early.

Soooo... I talked to my nurse and she said to cut it down to 21 pills. Hopefully pulling my cycle up by one day and making everything hunky dory.

My question- do I take the 22nd pill or not?

I'm so afraid of timing this all right. I kindof with that it weren't overlapping Thanksgiving, but I guess it is what it is. At least this way we'll know if it was successful before Christmas. Which will be good or bad.

I think I'm just going to call it quits at 21, but I'm still nervous. The RN mentioned that I can still have my baseline u/s on Tuesday, whether I've gotten CD1 or not, so I guess we'll just go with it.

Watch, I'm going to start this weekend and it'll be all screwed :) Because that's what you get when you try and plan, right?

Century Club

2011-11-16T21:54:00.001-08:00

Yep, this is lucky number 100. I wish I had something more earthshattering or even entertaining to talk about, but, really, you're not reading Meier Madness for life affirmations so it's ok.

So I'm running a 5K on Saturday called the Turkey Trot. I shall trot away, and hopefully not end up looking like a turkey in the process. My goal is to not finish last in my age group, which may be difficult when you're slow as eff like I am and still under the age of 30. I have to keep telling myself that at least I'm out there doing it, right?

Right?

Even if it takes me 45 minutes?

Awww gee. At least I get to wear my new spiffy cold-weather running clothes. That'll make it fun, right?

What things do you all do that you never thought you would? I hate running. Or, at least I used to. Now? It doesn't suck quite as much ass.

-----------------------

This lame post has been brought to you by NaBloPoMo.

Because the picture before didn't do it justice...

2011-11-15T21:41:00.000-08:00

So this is what's needed for the antagonist protocol, eh? (click to zoom)

I took a photo on my phone when they all arrived, but it definitely didn't do the hoard of meds justice. So, in all its glory, I present you with the obligatory IVF medication photo.

1. Follistim pen
2. Ganirelex (5 doses)
3. Follistim vials (900ml and a 600ml)
4. Antibiotics for retrieval
5. Lupron trigger... in a vial in the bottle
6. Valium for transfer
7. Estrace
8. Steroids for retrieval/transfer
9. Menopur and q-caps, 14 vials
10. PIO (sesame), enough for about 30 doses
11. Needles for drawing and administering PIO
12. Needles for administering menopur
13. Needles for administering the lupron trigger
14. birth control, ALMOST DONE!!!
15. Alcohol swabs
16. TWO sharps containers.

The only things that are missing are some gauze for any bleeding shots, and a small dose of HCG to be administered on retrieval day. The theory is that it'll help my lining to stay thick, and do something or other to mitigate any OHSS I may develop.

Seeing it all laid out like that? Holy cow. At least with the antagonist protocol, there aren't additional lupron shots to be given at the end of the BCP phase, so I can honestly say that this ISN'T as bad as most!

Recipes!

2011-11-14T22:04:00.000-08:00

First off, did I make a mistake posting this on a Sunday? Because I cracked myself up. And the goat pic with the milk on the lip? Adorbs. #thatisall

---------------

Second, I love the internetz. While I also love the few cookbooks I own, the interwebz is such a fantabulous source for finding new things. From last night's cooking binge came the following:

Triple Chocolate Cookies- I also love this blogger's muffins. Oh, and with the cookies? I bake eight to a sheet for 14 minutes each. With the dough refrigerated in between batches. And usually freeze a bunch of the dough to snack on w/out baking. So. Ridonkulously. Good.

Gluten Free Bread- Elena has a thing against Almond Flour from Bob's Red Mill, so I bought the stuff she touts on the website. The next day, I found some at Trader Joe's. So.... yeah. I have a lot of Almond Flour. Good thing I like the bread!!! I also used a regular loaf pan, so it's more biscotti shaped than bread, but it's still FABULOUS lightly toasted with butter or a bit of cream cheese!

Roasted Tri-tip: Yes, I know she said to use tenderloin, but the basic concept is the same. And butter? Critical.

The meatballs were a family recipe courtesy of my FIL. So I can't go there.

Enjoy!!!

A List.

2011-11-13T22:28:00.000-08:00

1. I baked one gluten-free loaf of bread today. And? It tastes delicious. Who knew?

2. I baked one batch of triple chocolate chip cookies today. EFFING TORTURE. Today is day 14 of the sugar hiatus. I didn't lick a spoon, taste any dough, or enjoy the fruits of my labor. But, Dr Boy will have a nice fat batch to take to work tomorrow, making up for the fact that we didn't have a contribution to the potluck last week due to an untimely power outage.

3. I roasted a tri-tip. Lots of beef for Dr Boy to eat through the week... I'm thinking on top of a salad, steak sandwich, and BBQ style. Good times.

4. I made turkey meatballs. Four servings of easy Dr Boy dinner, coming right up.

5. The theme of today was: I'm too lazy ass to do big cooking during the week, so I'm going to get it out of my system today.

6. I made fried zucchini cakes for ME. And they were delicious.

7. We folded six loads of laundry.

8. I am now going to go to sleep. Feeling productive. And tired. And a little cranky, but I think that's the BCP talking :)

9. INJECTION TRAINING TOMORROW. 'Nuff said.

10. Good night!

More Farm Fun!

2011-11-12T21:53:00.000-08:00

So things are still going slowly and boring, so I shall regale you with more tales of the barnyard babies that I busied myself with the week before Halloween.

When we went, one of the areas had a pair of pygmy goats that had been born 11 days prior. With their protective, but still very docile, mother. They were ADORABLE. See?

That hand was later marred by the cute bunny.

Lots of adorable-ness to be had. We pet, we prodded, we swooned. Eleven day old goat kids are totally adorbs. And, like most eleven day old creatures, are hungry. So, so, very hungry.

Awwww... look at how cute nature is in the act.

So the goat kids went on their merry way nursing. And then, something happened. Something, primal.

The goat kids? They WENT AT THOSE NIPS LIKE THEY WERE BOBBING FOR APPLES. Hard. Core. I swear to god, the force they pumped their heads into those teats sent my boobs shriveling up inside my body. Holy HELL they were nursing aggressively. I swear to god, that shiz made me think twice about wanting to breastfeed. For serious.

I might be cute, but I might also rip this shiz off to get a better flow. Don't think I won't. 'Cause I will.

I seriously don't think you understand how AT IT these kids were going. I still shudder to think about it.

Oh yeah. I totally scarred you. Scarred your eyes, and scarred my mom's nips. Mmmm hmmm.

Oh, and if you think it wasn't on purpose? Think again.

Goat milk. Does a body good.

I may never look at a baby goat the same way again.

They're here!

2011-11-11T23:25:00.001-08:00

Our meds arrived!!! Holy hell there's a lot of needles. Injection training is Monday. Last BCP is next Friday.

This might actuay be happening, huh?

TVT

2011-11-10T18:14:00.000-08:00

- I am tired of sugar-fasting. TIRED OF IT AND I WANT TO EAT SUGAR DAMNIT. Yeah, that's one of them. Today completes day eleven. My goal to stay off the white stuff until I start stims? In a perfect world, that's fourteen days away. I'm not even halfway through. I caught myself staring at the candy bars in the snack shack at the work kitchen today while my lunch was in the microwave. Sad. I'm hoping this is just the hard part getting past the hump and then it'll be smooth sailing. Jamima said it worked that way for her. Dear god please let this get easier.

- I am so effing antsy to start stims. Or more accurately, to get my damned period, which will mark when I'm able to start stims. I don't know if it's because I started BCPs on CD20ish, without a bleed, because there was no ovarian activity, but MAN, my ute feels ready to burst. 8 more pills. And seriously? I wouldn't be surprised if AF makes me pay for the fact that I'm trying to make it my last for a year.

- Meds arrive tomorrow. ALL of them, apparently. Unless we need refills, of course. I talked to the pharmacy today and it looks like they did order my post-transfer stuff along with everything else. So the cheapie price? Wow. Happy times.

- Our power finally came back on at 11pm last night. We forgot to turn off all the lights, so we were thrown from sleep into a VERY WELL LIT HOUSEHOLD. I think we'll do a better job at not leaving all the lights on in the house from now on ;)

- On that note, we DID manage to cut our gas/electric bill in half this month! To be fair, weather permitted us to not turn on the heat OR the a/c a single time, but still... I'm happy! That certainly won't be the case this month, as it's been flippin' frigid. Because yes, 38 degrees in the morning is frigid to this CA wuss.

- I have tomorrow off... thanks a ton, Veterans! No seriously, thank you. You are awesome. All of you who ARE, or have significant others who are members of our armed forces, you are ridiculously awesome, and I wish I could thank every single one of you.

- I have tomorrow off, thank god because I might damn well murder one of my colleagues. It's a boys club in the office. I'm the only woman who works there, aside from our admin assistant. There's lots of douche-baggery that goes on, and I don't always feel very included. Today especially. Effers.

Vomit on, folks!

Power

2011-11-09T21:07:00.001-08:00

We don't haz it.

Instead, we haz candles. And blankets for the chill. And blogging from my cell.

-------------

In more important news, we ordered our IVF meds today! They arrive on Friday, so we can take them to our injection training Monday morning. Two pluses:

1. The clinic sent in some coupons that took $400 off the bill. Score!

2. The bill was $1K less than the estimate! Double score!

I'm sure we're going to end up outlaying more, as they were conservative with the quantities. That's always nice. Plus, this doesn't include the meds needed post-transfer. Those are a steroid, an estrogen of some sort, and the ever-exciting PIO. Estimate for that isn't bad at all.

One more step closer! And only 9 more BCPs.

The wait is killing me, but I'm sure it'll sneak up fast!

Such a Good Girl

2011-11-08T21:32:00.000-08:00

This pup? She makes my heart melt.

Most days.

Today is one of them :)

Cravings

2011-11-07T21:16:00.000-08:00

I have a confession to make.

I have not eaten a single piece of Halloween candy this year.

I shit you not. Four bags were purchased (snickers, kit kat, reese's pb cups, and twix, for those of you with inquiring minds). About 8 pieces remain. And we only had about 10-15 trick or treaters TOTAL.

You know what that means? Dr Boy is enjoying himself :)

Honestly though, on Halloween, I decided that I was going to go on a sugar-fast. My friend Jamima (whose beautiful daughters provide LOTS of child-therapy) went sugar-free for 30 days through Sept/Oct. Bravely enough, she tackled this strait through a 3-yr old birthday party and everything. Successfully. Of course, the girl's a PROFESSIONAL TRIATHLETE, so she can pretty much do anything, but tackling a hard-core craving is tough no matter who you are.

I had intended on doing this through October, and having Halloween be my break-the-fast. But vacation came. And another BFN. So no, I ate my way through that month happily.

But now, just about two and a half weeks away from starting IVF stims, I'm going for the gold. And I started last Monday. The worst sugar day of the year.

Today is will complete day 8. I've had fake sugar twice- a sugar-free vanilla latte, and a teaspoon of stevia on my grapefruit. I'm ok with that.

My goal? No sugar 'til I start stims.

Oy. Vey.

Little Bunny Foo Foo

2011-11-06T23:00:00.000-08:00

I went to a petting zoo with some friends last week... and of course, hilarity ensued. Hilarity which will probably end up getting me killed in some sort of Animal Farm type rebellion.

But at least it was fun, right?

You KNOW that bunny is cute.

Oh my goodness, the bunny just told me to "put 'er down or I'd be sorry!"

See? It's ready to make me sorry.

This bunny right here? All bark and no bite.

I shall shame him by deflating his ears now.

While there were other cute baby animals (like the 11 day old pygmy goat babies who nurse with a voracity that scared the crapballs out of my boobs), the bunnies made me the happiest :)

Saturday Tidbits

2011-11-05T23:59:00.000-07:00

1. I ran/walked 3.5 miles in 41 degree weather, completely outwitting the CA weather wuss that I am. Woot!

2. I spent too much money on running clothes so that I can run in wussy CA cold weather.

3. I went to an awesome open house. Just for fun. It's like crack, I tell you!

4. I went to Doctor Prom. So. Much Fun! Complete with dorky photos in front of a fake background and everything! I'd show you, but then I'd have to kill you. And that would make me sad.

Hope you're all having a fun weekend!

**I apologize for the lameness of this post. Less lameness to follow tomorrow.

NaBloPoMo

2011-11-04T23:30:00.000-07:00

Did I mention I was participating?

'Cause I am. Which is crazy. I've never written TEN posts in a month, let alone THIRTY.

Which is clear right now because I have no idea what to say.

So instead, I will leave you with a couple of photos from the vacation Dr Boy and I went on in October. We spent time in Boston, Vermont, and Albany... Good times to be had everywhere we went!!!

Charles River

Mike's Pastry- I may have eaten there three times in five days. Maybe.

Yep, totally went on the dorky Duck tour. Fun times!

Hiking up Mt Tom in Woodstock, VT

Gorgeous Fall Color!

The happy Meier's

Mmmm... Beer tasting...

TVT

2011-11-03T21:55:00.000-07:00

Happy Thursday! It's that time of the week again! Say thanks to Oak for providing the vomititious kid in the pic!

- One of my cats is currently chasing her tail. Through the hole in a level of her cat tree. Because if you can't SEE that it's attached, it must NOT be attached. We breed winners over here.

Whaaaat? Don't judge me!

- Had my saline sono today. I didn't take the recommended 600-800mg advil. Honestly, it wasn't awful. The catheter that they insert into the uterus is the same size as what they use for an IUI, so that wasn't bad. They use the speculum to crank 'er open to insert it, then toss it in and measure how deep your ute is, then carefully remove the speculum and replace it with 'ol wandy. Next, they hook the end of the catheter up to a plunger full of saline and toss it all in while they watch on the screen. Everything looked good, no septum, no nada. A "perfectly hospitable looking womb". Yay my womb! I'm still pretty crampy, but then again I definitely pushed it tonight in terms of activity.

- I wore the awesome socks in the middle of this picture to the appointment today. They were given to me by the AWESOME Emily, who just so happens to be a 7 or 8 weeks into a successful IVF pregnancy... with triplets! She wore a pair of socks like the ones on the left to a transfer of hers, and I mentioned how much AWESOME I think she had on her feet. And you know what happened next? She mailed me a few pairs of AWESOME to put on MY feet! She's awesome. I'm saving the Mary Janes for the retrieval or transfer... can't decide which.

- I saw a double rainbow after my saline sono this afternoon. I didn't know what it meant.

- Went to an infertility support group meeting tonight (part of the reason I pushed it tonight) with The Womb Warrior and others. As usual, it was truly wonderful to see others going through similar circumstances and to hear their stories. The blogging and tweeting community are AMAZING, but there really is just something to face-to-face contact.

'till next time.... Vomit On!

If vs When

2011-11-02T13:30:00.000-07:00

During the meeting with our IVF nurse on Monday, I was very aware of the fact that she used the phrase "When" each time she referred to the success of our cycle. I usually use "if".

If AF arrives in time before Thanksgiving.

If I respond well to the stims.

If we retrieve enough mature eggs.

If we fertilize any of those mature eggs.

If we get to transfer this month.

If we get a BFP.

If I manage to carry to term.

All this iffy-ness is exhausting. But I can't quite bring myself to use the when. I mean, I do use it occasionally when someone pesters me about my craptastic attitude, but I always do it with an exaggerated eye roll. (who me? snarky? no......)

Infertility is a crazy bitch. Much like me. She plays this awful game of "Get your hopes up! Cross your fingers! It's totes going to work this time!!! Believe in the Power of Positive Thinking!!!" then at the end of a cycle, changes her tune to "Well, I mean, you knew there was only a small chance of success, right? You're infertile, did you really think it'd be that easy? Nanner nanner short luteal phase! There's always next time! Next time will be the one!" IF is a delicate dance of guarding against failure while desperately hoping for success. But not hoping so much that you end up in the bathtub eating a pizza and bawling your eyes out at the end of failed cycle. Because let's be honest, we've all ended up in that bad place in some shape or form at the end of a disheartening toilet paper check and there is nothing you can do to drag yourself out of it but cry it out. And indulge in delicious cheesy carbs.

I haven't decided when I'm going to let myself transition from if to when. Maybe it'll happen on its own. Maybe it won't happen at all. Maybe it'll be when I carry the mini-Meier home from the hospital. Whenever it does, when will be the most wonderful feeling in the world.

------------------

Also!!! Lest I forget to ask. I never get a flu shot. Ever. Never had one. Despite Dr Boy bringing home every pediatrics-related virus in the world, I never get the darned shot. This year, though... with that whole, if we get pregnant off this IVF cycle thing, I'm wondering if I should just go ahead and bite the bullet. What's one more injection in the grand scheme of things, right? And I was thinking of doing it before IVF gets under way. That way I won't have to get it *while* pregnant or going through treatments. Advice from all you lovely ladies? I'm going in for my saline sono tomorrow and it would be a convenient chance to do it. Muchos gracias!

------------------

Also, to the person that googled "gre.at+dri.nker+an.d+su.ck.er+of+sp.e.r.m" to get to my blog? Eff off. What the HELL did I ever type to get pinged from THAT search?

Calendar is Set!

2011-11-01T17:11:00.000-07:00

Well, folks, it would appear that this show is on the road.

I took my first BCP last Friday, and will take my last on the 18th. The goal is to have my suppression check and start stims the week of Thanksgiving, with retrieval the week of December 5th. Ack! I am officially overwhelmed. In a good way, but overwhelmed nonetheless.

We're doing an antagonist protocol, as I mentioned earlier, with Gonal-F and Menopur, then Cetrotide added in, then a Lupron trigger. Know what's awesome about all of that? It's all sub-q. No booty shots until the PIO starts... woohoo! We did decide to go with the PIO, ultimately. I know that studies have shown that endometrin suppositories are equally effective, but I'd rather just do the shots and leave out any of the guess work. Just our personal preference, ultimately.

I'm terrified, excited, overwhelmed, and thankful all at the same time. I'm terrified that CD1 won't come before Thanksgiving and things will be pushed back. Or worse, cancelled. I'm excited to finally be doing something with a greater than 50% chance of success. As high as 70%, even. I'm overwhelmed by the numerous consent forms and list of medications, and amount of money we're spending this month now. But I'm thankful that my clinic was able to get together a plan this quickly, and that my body has been cooperating so far.

The next step is my saline sonogram, on Thursday. One thing I want to make sure to ask is that I'm not slated to take any lupron at the end of this month's cycle as part of the suppression phase... has anyone else had a protocol that left that part out? After that, Dr Boy does an additional SA next week to double check the state of the swimmers. Our meds should arrive in about two weeks, and we have our injection training on the 14th.

Dr Boy is stressed out about all the up-in-the-air nature of this. He's worried he won't be able to cancel clinic the morning of the retrieval or the transfer, and generally stressed out about the cost. I can't blame him. I feel so much guilt that my body has let us down so much that we have to outlay this much time, money, and effort to create a child. That it's stripped us of the spontaneity of making a family. I feel so guilty, and so sad about that. Dr Boy tells me he married ME, not my ovaries, but I still can't help but feel the guilt of it all.

I'll get past it though. Especially when we get our BFP from this. Because we will. Because I can't imagine where we'll be if we don't.

Feeling Antagonistic.

2011-10-26T11:54:00.000-07:00

Or maybe it's just the protocol talking :)

I came prepared. With a barrage of questions. He only laughed a little :)

My IVF consult went well yesterday. Quite, well, in fact! We talked for a while about our TTC history, and the RE was fully supportive of moving on to IVF at this point. No "ehhh, you may have success with an additional IUI or two" or "geeee, you haven't really earned the big guns yet." Just a simple "From my perspective, I would recommend moving on." His main reasoning is that with the number of cysts that my ovaries present with (yesterday had 25 on righty and 20 on lefty), they aren't comfortable taking a more aggressive stim approach for an IUI. Afraid to wake the "sleeping giant" or something like that. So no WONDER we haven't had very good stimming for our two IUI's- their hands were tied, lest we populate a baseball team all in one go. Move over Octo-mom, Multiples-Meier-Mama is coming to town!

Because of my super cysty ovaries, he also recommended we go with the Antagonist protocol, which involves stimming with both Menopur and Gonal F or Follistim, and a Lupron trigger. He thinks that I'll have a great response to the stims given my "loaded gun ovaries", and wants to try and avoid OHSS by using the lupron trigger instead of an HCG trigger. I'll get more details when I talk to the coordinator. Oh, and he did say that it's our choice whether to use PIO or Endometrin during the TWW, and that the research suggests that they're equally effective... but he just feels more comfortable with PIO.

So with all that, the decision was pretty much made. We've stressed over this long enough. The fact that we got to this point sucks, but I have to put the doubt over what could have been behind me and get to my happy place. My happy "I'm going to have a needle shoved through my vaginal wall to retrieve mah behbehs after my ovaries have been inflated to the size of softballs" place. Ummm... that's a happy place, right? Right? <crickets>

He didn't see anything that he thought would indicate a need for more testing in terms of preemptively diagnosing an implantation failure. The only supplements he recommended were OTC prenatals. Dr Boy does need to go in for a repeat SA, mainly so they can do a much more in depth look at morphology. Our clinic requires that sperm hit a certain threshold for morphology in order to try to fertilize naturally, otherwise, they require ICSI. Either way, that's not a problem. He had fine morphology before. (side note- any supplements or other things he can do to improve morphology? 'Cause it'd be nice not to have to spend that $1500. Just in case.) I need to have a saline sonogram to check out the condition of the cute ute. That's pretty much it though!

We then had a date with wandy to check out the cyst. And to see if I can skip my period this round and go strait to BCP! I have about 7.2mm worth of lining built up, but NO dominant follicles. And it's CD19, so really? We can put this one in the books as annovulatory. Even better though, no cyst either! That sucker went away all on its own.

Because of the lack of a dominant follicle and the fact that the cyst shrunk down to nothing, he cleared me to start the BCP right away, without waiting for a new CD1. Which works WONDERS towards the whole getting on the calendar for a December cycle goal.

Long story short- we're good to go. I'm waiting to hear from the clinic's IVF schedule coordinator, but I will most likely be starting BCP this week to get ready for a Dec cycle! AHHHH!!!! Which means that by New Year's, I'll either have a BFP, or a really friggin' good reason to drink :)

Anxiety.

2011-10-25T13:56:00.000-07:00

Ya'll, I am terrified right now.

I have an IVF consult meeting in 90 minutes. I made that appointment two weeks ago, when I went in for my WFT appt for the failed IUI #2. I figured I'd at least make the appointment, so that Dr Boy and I could discuss the matter while we were on vacation the following ten days.

We went on vacation. We had a BLAST. (side note: i heart boston. and maple syrup. and db's grandma.) We bam-chicka-bammed. And it was FUN. All of it, not just the pervy stuff, you pervs!

Dr K found a 22mm cyst on my right ovary during the WTF. That was the one that measured either 14 or 15mm the day we triggered, not the 18.5mm on the left that we thought would be the mature baby-maker. I kept thinking, "Awwww, it's mommy's first cyst!" Dr K said to go about our business and let the cyst shrink on its own. I felt some pain for the next few days in that region, but it's mostly gone away, as hopefully the cyst has. He even said to OPK CD12-20 just in case I had that miraculous rebound that sometimes happens.

No miracles here, but that's not the point.

The point is, I have my IVF consult in 90 minutes, and I'm terrified.

I know with all my heart now that it's what we need to do next. We need this. Both of us. To know that we're trying everything we possibly can. To get on with being normal again. To become parents.

Right now though, sitting here on my first day back to work after vacation, I'm flipping my shit. What if the cyst didn't go away? What if it doesn't shrink with BCP? Can we get an IVF cycle in with a retrieval before Christmas? Why does Christmas matter I'm jewish! Why will stims work this time when they've been so sheisty before? Will they judge us for making this decision after only two IUI's and three clomid cycles?

And the biggest one of them all: Will this get us our take-home baby?

Wish me luck. I've never felt this full of anxiety. And I think I'm going to vomit from it.

#1 on the Essential Infertile's Google Reader List

2011-10-25T11:15:00.000-07:00

999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility

And specifically, the post I linked to. So. True.

Every last step.

OK, except the lack of tampons because I like to coupon shop and have two years worth of tampons underneath my sink.

But all of the rest of them!

Please read and enjoy :)

On Luck.

2011-10-11T15:01:00.000-07:00

I've always felt lucky.

I did well in high school, got into every college I applied to, ended up with a couple of scholarships. Sure, I worked hard, but I was damn lucky too. I met Dr Boy the first weekend of college. I got to do a summer of training at NASA. I got into a great graduate school, paid for. And they actually PAID me to get my master's degree (though this was standard for what I do, it was still awesome). I did a career path internship that landed me a job as soon as I finished grad school- in my home city. Dr Boy matched at a residency program in that same city.

I'm not saying all this to be all "Wow look at you!" I just have been incredibly lucky in life. So much so.

I guess this is where our luck has run out. 34 months of trying to make a baby. Two years no natural cycling. Four unmedicated natural cycles. Three rounds of clomid. Two months of injectables with IUIs. No luck.

I always thought that I'd be one of those lucky ones to end up pregnant on their first month of meds. Or on their first round of injectables with IUI. But I'm not. I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that I really, truly, honestly fall into the infertile category. That's me. I'm that. I'm not an IF impostor anymore- there's no "nah, she hasn't tried hard enough to be part of the club yet."

Dr Boy and I have been struggling with the decision of where to go next. Initially we had planned on trying out three or four IUIs. But secretly, really, we figured we'd be off this roller coaster in one or two tries. No one really plans on doing four IUIs. They end up there because the previous one was unsuccessful. I never really let myself think about the possibility that we'd have to do anything past one or two. I mean, I couldn't really be that broken, could I? That unlucky? That's just not me.

But it is, and I'm so done. Dr Boy is done with this. I'm over my ridiculous darwin flip out. (which I really hope didn't offend anyone because it was just me being batshit crazy and not judging anyone AT ALL I SWEAR I THINK IVF IS A WONDERFUL OPTION) We've scheduled an IVF consult for the week we come back from vacation (two weeks from today). My brain is telling me this is the right choice, but my heart? It can't accept the fact that our luck has left us. My heart keeps saying that no, no, you're over-reacting. Stop being such a crazy person and just keep on with the IUIs.

I can't reconcile the two. Logical me says to just do the damn IVF and enjoy the much higher chance of conceiving. Illogical me says that I haven't worked hard enough to earn the IVF. Logical me is thrilled to have finally made this decision and wants to get back on the Hope train. Illogical me says I don't deserve it yet. That I haven't put in the time.

All of me, though? All of me is terrified that my luck has left for good. And that even though IVF gives us a better chance, it won't be good enough. And I don't know if I can take that.

Nope Squared.

2011-10-08T17:23:00.000-07:00

I had some really light dark brown spotting yesterday afternoon, and immediately my mind rushed towards implantation bleeding. I mean, I was 11 DPO, so it was still within the realm of possibility, right? On the late side, but I hadn't been cramping at all yet (last time I had lots of pre-AF cramps) so I didn't think anything of it in terms of AF.

I went to my hour-long swim class which was awesome (did some of my first flip turns! actually make progress on this fitness thing!). I ate my last meal for 24-hours (Yom Kippur), planning on only drinking water through tonight. And then AF arrived, pretty much all at once, cramps and all.

Super. IUI #2, fail. And I guess technically, on CD11. Which means I can add a short luteal phase to my resume. I was on no progesterone support this time around because that hadn't been a problem last time, though really, AF only arrived 12 hours earlier than it did with IUI #1. The RE said they didn't think it would be a problem.

Whatever. It was obviously a problem this time. Along with a piss-poor response to the stims overall. 3 vials of menopur for most of the cycle, 19 shots, and only one measly 18.5 mm follie? Lame. My RE always calls my ovaries loaded guns because of all the cysts from my dang PCOS- Guess they're loaded guns that keep misfiring.

This month is a break of sorts. We'll be out of town CD8-18, which means no stimming for us. I'm not sure what we're going to do next. I do have an appt on Monday morning to discuss things. And probably do some crying.

I'm good at that.

Good luck to the billion of you (at least it feels like) that were cycling at the same time as me this month- and thank you for all the support!!!

(dear god is it sunset yet? i'm flippin' hungry)

Depression Hurts. A baby can help.

2011-10-06T21:51:00.000-07:00

I'm not good at the TWW. I'm 10 DPO today. No testing yet.

I get depressed. I've suffered from clinical depression since my senior year in college. I started to see a therapist for a little while, then started Lex.apr.o. I felt a whole lot better, but a little numb. Like, couldn't cry during dumb movies, which for me was a huge difference.

When we decided to TTC, I weaned off the drugs. I let it take three months to wean off a silly 10mg rx. But I did it, and I was *ok*. Ish. Fast forward three years, because we're coming up on the anniversary of when I officially stopped taking the drugs altogether. I still go through rough patches, for sure. I can feel them coming on, and it usually last a few days.

Retreat, ignore phone calls, make excuses not to see people. Take on a cranky pants attitude with Dr Boy. Take long afternoon naps, refuse to cook. Sometimes it's bad enough that I'll call in sick to work. But I know I come out of it within a couple of days. It's often preceded by a few days that are just awesome. Like the universe balancing me out- can't have too much happiness now, that's not in the cards.

The happy this time around has been a series of amazing workouts. I've been running again, and Monday night I went to a swim class again. I kicked ass in swim, and while I'm still one of the worst runners in my class, I'm getting better. Stronger.

So of course the sinking started Tuesday. I can't focus at work. I have quite literally done ZERO work at work this week. I feel awful and sick to my stomach admitting that, but it's the truth. I have been getting headaches every afternoon. I've been short with Dr Boy. I mustered up enough energy to make pasta and leftover chicken for dinner.

I hate it.

I know I'll be ok. I really just want this to be worth it. Living better through a chemical-free lifestyle better be worth it.

Please just let this be the time it works.

TVT

2011-09-29T12:52:00.000-07:00

Vom-a-long-a-ding-dong

The TWW sucks. As usual, I'm over it, and I'm only, like, three days in really. Today I'm 3DPO but it kindof feels like a year. The nice thing is that there are a whole BUNCH of bloggie peeps (please don't unfriend me for using the word "peeps") that are sitting in this mess within a couple days of me, so that makes me feel better. We'll spread/share the crazy amongst ourselves.
My boobs hurt. More in the nip-region than last time's all-over pain, but still? All over pain is there.
I had my third running group meeting last night, and it felt *gasp* good! Last week I was pretty pissed at myself because I could really feel how badly I had let my fitness slip during the summer. Last night, I could still feel it, but not quite as much. I could almost run around the 1/4 mile track without stopping, and I'm not all that sore this morning (whereas the day after my first run I could barely make it up the stairs to my office). I call that progress! They bribed us with a free hat if we show up to 7/10 of the first sessions. I respond to bribery well, and am 3/4, the first of which I missed only because I had to work.
We also worked a little on core after running which I despise like the devil that it is. Devil, I tell you!!! I did planks, but skipped out on the crunches. I justified it by telling myself that I didn't want to crunch the embryo that's busy getting ready to shove itself in my ute. I feel no guilt.
My baby brother's coming to town this weekend... woot! So excited to show him around our town.
Did I mention I was bored? TWW's are boring.
I have a POAS plan. I will FOR SURE be peeing a week from Sat, Oct 8th, which will be 12DPO. That was the day last round that AF showed up, and I don't want that to be how I find out. I *might* test at 11DPO, but only if I'm feeling the same super cramps that I did last time. Again, no surprises.
Which reminds me, I haven't been testing out the trigger. Ooops. It took seven days last time, so I'll pee tomorrow at 5DPO and see what I see. I love internet cheapies.

And that is all the vomit I can compile for this week (other than the lemon basil that one of the cats vommed yesterday thankyouverymuch). I think Natalie or Oak should start up a little linky, yeah? So we can make sure not to miss all of everyone else's spew?

Does this shade of crazy look good on me?

2011-09-27T13:41:00.000-07:00

Apparently it does. To recap the drama'z:

CD15: estadiol 84, all follies under 10mm, decide to *try* to keep going another few days
CD16/17: IVF/FET freakout
CD18: estradiol 226, yippee! U/S scheduled for CD20
CD19: estradiol 428, extra yippee!
CD20: Ultrasound showed an 18.5mm follie on lefty, and a 15mm and 14mm on righty. Uterine lining 9.4mm (up from 8.2 for IUI #1)

Score! It would appear that my body thrives on crazy, which is a good thing because I don't see that changing any time soon. We decided to trigger that night (which was Saturday), then do the IUI Monday morning. Rock the heck on! Even better was having Dr Boy at the ultrasound so he could see the excitingness that is a successful follicle-finding ultrasound. Bonus: He was able to reschedule his first hour of patients Monday morning so he could be there when the plunger was pushed :) Silly, but still meaningful to me. And him. Saturday night's trigger was super easy, again, the easiest shot of the 18 we had to administer this go-around.

It didn't end up going as smoothly as we had hoped Monday morning. We dropped off the goods, and came back an hour later for our 8:40am appt. OK, we actually showed up about 15 min before that in hopes that we could get the show on the road, and DB to his clinical duties asap. We let them know we were back, and proceeded to see everyone else in the waiting room enter, then exit the dr's offices. Dr Boy can get a wee bit high strung sometimes, especially when it comes close to him being late for something. Like work. Which cannot happen. By 8:55am, we asked the receptionist what the heck was going on, because if we didn't get called back in the next minute or two, DB was going to have to leave. She said we were "coming right up."

Didn't happen. DB left at 9am. There was much anxiety on his part, but I was doing my best to stay in my zen place for happy fertilizing. I was called back at 9:10, and when questioned about the timeliness (or lack thereof) of the appt, the NP performing the IUI proclaimed that she wasn't running late! Yeah, 30 minutes past an appt time generally constitutes running late, but whatever. Zen place. It is what it is, and the fact that Dr Boy was able to come to the appt sat, and be there for at least the waiting on in the morning was wonderful. I asked about the stats, but all they note is whether the post-wash sample has > 20 mil and > 50% motility. Which is did :)

Despite the pre-game dramaz, the IUI went very well (I think). I definitely felt the catheter going past the cervix because I'm blessed (ha!) with a super-sensitive cervix, but there was no pain or cramping the rest of the day like IUI #1. There was quite a bit of discharge about an hour later though, which combined with the lack of pain makes me worried that the sample wasn't deposited in my ute. Again, going to my zen place, because it is what it is at this point. Surely she knew what she was doing, right? Right? And if not, well, we supplemented the process just in case.

So now I'm 1 DPO and on the crazy scale? Probably down around a 1 or so. Fantasticness.

So there you have it.... from inaction to insemination in seven days flat! And the boobs are already getting sore so I know there's at least some progesterone floating around my system.

I'm.... dare I say it... excited!

And for you, dear readers, I have a question- what do you all do during the TWW to promote implantation? I don't have enough crazy going on right now, and I desperately need help coming up with something to fill that void! Hope you're all well!

(PS- come on, you know you want to "join this site" google-style... giveaway at 50!)

On the third day of crazy, my neurosis gave to me...

2011-09-22T14:12:00.000-07:00

An estradiol that tripled after additional injections three.

So that sentence didn't really make grammatical sense, but it rhymed and that's what counts. Some time in the last two days of crazy, I'd noticed some twinges in the mid-section. Almost like you get in the days leading up to AF. I *thought* I remembered those from last cycle, but I was fairly certain that I was making that up because my ovaries were lazy sacks of laziness. Certainly not happy, chipper, and functional like this girl:


Is she not the cutest thing you've ever seen?		Image courtesy iheartguts.com

Apparently I was wrong. (or is it right?) I had a blood draw this morning to see what the extra three days of stims, which were increased in dosage to three vials of menopur apiece. We were hoping for anything above 150. After a four and a half hour wait that felt like FOREVAH because I'm impatient, results were in.

226.

As in, there is most definitely something growing all up in there. Something fun and pre-baby-like. So pardon the crazy that has spewed forth onto the blog in the last few days... I promise, it was from the estrogen flooding my system. I cannot be held accountable for my actions. I really hope none of you took offense to my IVF and FET fears- I swear I don't think that any FET babies are really second-class citizens. It was the crazy talking. And I really don't have anything against them AT ALL, I don't judge the decision to go forward with any of it. I just hadn't gotten there mentally yet.

I have now. If this cycle were to have been cancelled due poor response, Dr Boy and I decided to say eff it and go to IVF next cycle. Which we won't have to do now, but we had at least made peace with the decision. In the amazing talk we had together, he finally said that he's tired of the waiting too. Not just doing this to placate the crazy woman that has taken over his wife's body, but actually because he wants things to move faster too. That he's tired of being childless too. It was such a relief to hear that. I've always known he supports me in this, but now I truly know he wants it all just as badly as I do. NOW.

I'm just waiting to hear from the RE about when to come in for an u/s to take a look at what's brewing, and when we'll trigger. I am so happy now. A reason for the crazy. A positive response to the stims. The possibility of getting pregnant.

I think I'm already glowing.

(PS- If you're a follower, could you do me the honor of being an official "follower" on google connect? I want to do a giveaway when I hit 50.... woohoo!!!)

On the second day of crazy, my neurosis gave to me...

2011-09-21T08:00:00.000-07:00

....A healthy dose of "Am I being melodramatic?"

Sometimes, OK, most of the time, I really feel like the answer to that one is a resounding HELL YES. Woe is NOT me. There are way worse things in the world going on than this, and I should be thankful that this is my biggest problem. Or some psychobabble like that.

My second huge bout of batshit crazy is feeling like I'm taking this all way too seriously. Like, I'm still in my 20s (though there's no chance of having a full-term, or even viable at this point, baby while still in my 20s). We don't suffer from any male-factor issues. We've only had ONE failed injectables cycle, and one that isn't really getting off the ground. And even THIS one isn't completely over yet, I'm just flipping out because it's not moving at the time-table that Dr K prefers.

What I mean is, have we given this enough of a chance? Is my ansy-pants neurotic brain giving up too quickly? Am I rushing this process simply because IVF is a completely viable option for us?

Let's recap my batshit craziness.

1. Even though I'm not morally or religiously against it, I can't help but think that IVF is going to make a mutant Dr Boy/Weather Girl hybrid child that will grow up to destroy the universe. Even though it won't do that for anyone else that uses it to get their baby.

2. Am I rushing this process and not giving injectables enough rounds to fight it out?

Ooooh... and one of my favorites that I haven't expanding upon yet...

3. Am I destined to require IVF to make me all of my babies? Because I want three, 'yall. At least two, but I think I'd rather populate the world with three mini-Meier's. You'll thank me later, unless they're universe-destroying hybrids.

And another!
4. What about FET's? Aren't those basically the embryo's that weren't good enough to make the first cut? Are my second and third kids destined to never live up to the first-born, because they were of diminished quality to begin with?

I am so mentally effed up right now. The biggest batshit crazy worry I have right now is #2- Are we giving this enough of a try? And even if we're not, does that really matter? Is it worth going through this mental mind-eff any more months than we have to just to maybe have an IUI work? Is it worth the $$ cost of IVF just to be less mentally effed up and more physically knocked up?

I just don't know.

(Also, a big warm welcome to all of you heading over here from ICLW! Thanks for stopping by, and I hope the mid-cycle crisis you're finding me in this week doesn't scare you away. If anything, it should make you feel better for not being as certifiable as yours-truly! I realized that in my three-word descriptors, I used "keeping sane-ish" as one. Clearly that's not happening so sorry for the mis-label!)

Lockdown, and Darwin.

2011-09-20T14:10:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I was in a bad place. I had my bloodwork drawn in the morning so it would be ready for my afternoon u/s appt. After 12 days of stims (3 vials for the first three days, 2 vials for the remaining 9 days), my estradiol had only climbed to 84. I knew going into the appt that there wouldn't be anything to see, and the nurse hugged me when I started crying as she let me into the room. The u/s was just as we thought. The biggest p-o-s follicle was still sitting around 8mm. If you remember from last time, this was the same day in the cycle that we found my miracle 19, 15, and 14mm follies and subsequently triggered. Lightning didn't strike twice.

Lots of tears later (the nurse said I even made her tear up), we went back to Dr K's office to talk about what to do next. We had two options. First, we could scrap this cycle and start provera today, and start over in two weeks. That option doesn't work for us, since we leave for Boston mid-Oct and wouldn't get through stims before I had to leave. Second, we could do a "prolonged cycle", and up my dosage a little to see if it helps. I got the impression that Dr K wasn't a real big fan of prolonged cycles, but the tears streaming down my face gave him the prompt to go ahead and try it anyways. We're going up to three vials (starting last night) and drawing more blood on Thursday. If things look good (e2>150), I'll come in for an u/s that day or fri am.

I know that whole book "The Secret" would scream at me right now, but I'm fairly certain that this won't work. My ovaries, which have in the past displayed a resolve which would easily rival the security at Ft Knox or even the skirt-wearing guards at Buckingham Palace, are at it again. You'd think that someone told them they're getting paid for every egg they KEEP, rather than every egg they RELEASE. If you love you some ovum, set them FREE!

And then there's the whole issue of quality. I have this deep-seeded fear that by doing this extended cycle, or fertility treatments in general, that I'm forcing something to happen that shouldn't. I know that's total crap, and that myth was busted a TON of times during NIAW. But still, I can't help but wonder if these eggs are staying put for a reason. Am I going to o an imperfect egg by stimming for so long? I mean, in unmedicated cycles, ovulating late is a sign of poor egg quality. How is it not the same here? Is there something wrong with me that we don't know about that is preventing me from ovulating, something that shouldn't be passed down to future generations?

Don't mind me while I get all philosophical now. Just roll your eyes at me please.

I am a strong believer in evolution. Survival of the fittest? Yes. I know that modern medicine and all has basically put a halt to all of that, but I still can't help but wonder that way back in the day, my bloodline was supposed to run dry with me. How can I believe in what I do, and not think that this is all happening for a reason? A Darwinian reason. This is the big I problem I have with making the decision to go to IVF. With IVF, there's nothing left to chance. ICSI decides what sperm meets what egg, and an embryologist decides what embryos to give back simply based on their appearance. I thought we were supposed to judge people based on what's on the inside, not the outside!! Nature has nothing to do with it!

Before you yell and flame me and my effed up brain, I HAVE NO ISSUE WITH OTHER PEOPLE DOING IVF. None at all. I think it's a great option and am SO SO HAPPY when all of you succeed! But when it comes to MY infertility issues, I can't convince myself that I'm not screwing up the master plan. Which is just a dumb ridiculous double-standard, but I'm having a hard time jumping that hurdle. How can I truly in my heart feel that something is ok for everyone else in the world, but simply refuse to believe it for myself?

It's also a dumb reason to keep doing flailing IUI's.

I'm feeling slightly better about it all today, but I still have no faith in this and have no effing clue where to go next. Dr Boy is willing to go whatever route makes me the least batshit crazy.

Give me a good reason to do another injectables/IUI cycle after this. Please. Because my head and my heart hurt, and I can't decide on my own.

Also? The forced break we'll be on for most of Oct would be a great time to do the requisite month of BCP for IVF, thereby wasting the least amount of time possible.

More Vomit.

2011-09-17T10:42:00.000-07:00

I forgot to mention that TVT is brought to you courtesy of Natalie. She's hilarious.

And this kid?

This is Mac. He's Oat's. She's pretty damn funny too. And she makes me feel better about my love of alcohol.

And on to business.

- Had my CD12 u/s yesterday after 9 days of menopur shots. Drumroll please... NO follies over 8mm. Amazing... just like LAST TIME! Oh, and my estradiol is only 72. I'm still fine, mentally (at least about this cycle), since it's so much like last time. Sure, I've got 3 extra vials of menopur floating around in my belly from upping the first 3 days dose, but otherwise? Same shiz different month. Next appt is on Monday.

- Phlebotomist had to draw blood out of the back of my hand. Not conducive to getting a hand massage from Dr Boy. He was gentle though :) Dr Boy, not the phlebo-guy.

- Two pregnancy announcements yesterday. One from a co-worker, and one BAM! facebook ultrasound pic of the kid waving. This is #2 for work guy. We talked about our IF a little after he asked when *I* was going to be making a preggo announcement. At first, I thought "Oh gee, glad people think the IF weight makes me look pregnant". Then I just realized it's because I swoon over the pics of his daughter all the time. He and his wife had three 1st tri miscarriages before their 1st, and are just grateful that things are moving along smoothly so far with TTC #2. The facebook one was a friend from college, who I was actually surprised hadn't gotten knocked up sooner. That one hurt way more than the colleague. I had just gotten home from my dr appt and was telling Dr Boy about the results as I mindlessly floated through facebook. And got this:

And started crying. It was good times.

- My pregnancy announcement mantra has become "Happy for them, sad for me." I say it a lot.

- At least the weekend won't suck because I have a wine club event tonight in Napa, a fabulous infertility shower thrown by The Womb Warrior tomorrow, and a fancy pants dinner where they talk about cooking your meal and do everything in front of you. So I will be too busy to stalk all the congrats comments on the FB post, yeah?

- I am over the menopur. I know I said it yesterday, but I am so over shots.

- I got accepted to the BlogHer ad network. Click away!!!

Have a great weekend, 'yall!

Thought Vomit ThursFriday

2011-09-16T12:50:00.000-07:00

Thurs-Friday is kindof like brunch or linner, a little bit of both worlds :)

- Had an awful time getting to my u/s appt Tuesday. Between the impossible task of finding a parking spot, not knowing which building the dr was located in (different location than usual), ending up floating around the maternity wards (yes, that really happened), and nearly having a breakdown when I checked in 15 minutes late, I finally made it. Hardly still sane, but made it.

- The u/s showed no follie activity yet. Nothing over 7mm, after 6 days of shots. Whatevs. There weren't any last time around, it just rules out this cycle moving along any faster than last time, really. On one hand, it should still be fine because we did end up with a good, ovulating, follie last time. On the other, it didn't end up making me a baby. So I'm still a bit jaded and disconnected from this cycle a bit more, mentally at least.

- Shots 8 and 9 hurt like a bitch. And bruised. I am so over this. But I can't complain about them too much bc Dr Boy feels like I'm bitching about HIM and the way HE injects me. Which I'm not, I'm just bitching about it in general. Sigh.

- I'm pissed that this cycle isn't moving faster bc it means we won't be able to fit in a third before we leave for Boston and VT in mid-Oct. Because yes, I'm already thinking about next time. I told you I was feeling disconnected about this cycle. Maybe a quick month off would be good though, I don't know. Give my body a chance to relax a little (I hear relaxing gets you pregnant) and lose the 8 lbs I've gained in the last 6 weeks. What the hell am I saying, I'm going to be pissed if this time doesn't work and we have to waste more time. Pissed.

- I'm attempting to cut out processed sugar, at least for a little bit. I was less than 1 lb shy of 190 when I stepped on the scale yesterday, and that is UNACCEPTABLE. Ohhhhhhhhh no. Mmmm mmmmm. I'm taking the AA "one day at a time" approach. I can refrain from peanut m&m's and Grandmother's peanut butter cookies from the snack shack TODAY. I can say no to the skinny cow ice cream sandwich TODAY. I can give away the chocolate brownies left over from our BBQ TODAY. What did Dr Boy say last night? "We need more good dessert options up in this house." Ha. Get used to it.

- I'm fairly certain the low-sugar deal will only last up until my next BFN. Here's hoping, though.

- I am planting beets and lettuce in my fall garden. About to give up on my peppers and zucchini. It's been a bad year for peppers in my 'hood, and I can't seem to get the zucc's any bigger than 4" before they start to turn yellow. Very odd. I thought they grew like weeds!!! Tomatoes are still going strong though. Yum-tastic.

- My self-esteem lately has been ROCK BOTTOM. This one deserves its own post though. Just thought I'd throw it out there.

I have another u/s this afternoon. Hopefully we'll see something more interesting, since it IS CD12 and all.

That is all.

Ten Years

2011-09-11T11:21:00.000-07:00

Round Two

2011-09-09T12:09:00.000-07:00

JM and Dr Boy in one ring...

The Ovaries in the other...

Who will emerge victorious???? Only time will tell....

--------------------------------------------------------
I've felt particularly disconnected this week. It was like throwing on the e-brake Monday morning when AF showed up. We had a fantastic weekend, full of in-laws, baseball, and BBQing for friends. The party we thew went wonderfully, the in-laws were tame, and I got stuff DONE. In a clean house. No, I didn't get to drink the sangria Sunday night, but I was contently in the TWW. Pretending I was gestating.

We went to Dr Boy's bro's baseball game Monday morning, and BOOM. The cramps I had been experiencing on and off all weekend intensified, I hit the restroom, and it was over. AF showed at 12DPO, on CD28. How funny! My first "perfect" cycle off BC. Wonderful.

Lots of wine was drunk Monday night.

On Tuesday afternoon, my wonderful friend N set up a coffee date for us and another friend- and her 4 month old baby. I was a wee bit nervous about "putting on my smile", but the truth is, it was the best thing I could have done that day. After the baby started releasing too many bodily fluids for N's taste, I held her. And bounced her, and lulled her to sleep :) This baby? Amazeballs. And there was no need to fake the contently happy feeling I had with her in my arms.

Did I mention her head smelled amazing? I also very nearly took a bite out of her arm. For safe keeping.

So that was my cheap therapy session. That combined with the second bottle of wine consumed in as many days. Yum.

I went in for my baseline u/s on Wednesday, which showed my empty uterus and almost-back-to-normal ovaries. There was one residual cyst on righty measuring around 9mm, but Dr K wasn't concerned. Probably just still shrinking from last time around.

The plan (can you believe we're already at a plan again? so quick. no time to mourn IUI #1) is to stick with the menopur, just a tad more aggressively. 3 vials on CD3, 4, and 5. 2 vials for the remainder so my "loaded guns" don't go crazy. (I love thinking of my PCOS-ey ovaries as loaded guns. Actually I don't. It scares me.) Get some bloodwork drawn Saturday, then another u/s on CD9 (tuesday). Dr K would like to see some 10 or 11's at that point, so we move a few days faster than last time (triggering on CD15). We'll see!

So there you have it. Therapy, a plan, and two shots down. In case you were wondering, 3 vials of menopur burns way more than 2 vials. Either that or I've just turned massively wussy in the last two and a half weeks.

Which is entirely possible.

Nope.

2011-09-05T23:09:00.000-07:00

I'll write more later, but it'll have to be when I'm done crying.

Didn't work. Got my period late this morning.

Had a feeling. Started testing Saturday when my boobs felt like literally cutting them off would feel better than leaving them attached, then the cramping started up. On and off, but more on than off. Then AF late this morning. Eff. Mother effing effer.

I'm still holding out hope for a few people out there this cycle- at the very least Ericka at This Hampton Life. She's be testing on Wednesday.

Thanks to everyone else out there waiting... and I'll be back when I can hold it together longer. Thanks for all the good wishes this cycle. I really, truly couldn't have made it this far without you guys. Really. You're my heroes :)

7DPO. I'm bored.

2011-08-31T14:46:00.000-07:00

The TWW is so very, very boring. You can't drink, you don't get wanded, you don't have to worry that you're drinking enough water to keep the blood draw from being a debacle.What is there to do, you ask? See how long it takes your HCG trigger to leave the bloodstream. Just to make absolute *sure* you're not some freak-of-nature trigger-holder-onto-er.


Cropped so you don't have to see the pee side of the stick. You're welcome.

As you can see, I am not. Phew! This morning (the bottom stick), there was an extremely faint line that the camera didn't pick up, but I'm content that it's gone. It's funny how exciting it is to see two lines show up on one of those things, even if it's only because you injected the damn hormone it reads into your ass. Or rather had your own personal Dr Boy do it. Same deal. Even funnier is how exciting it is to slowly see the line go away!

Now that it's gone, I'm IMPATIENTly waiting for it to come back. We'll see how I do staying away from testing this weekend... Only symptoms right now include sore boobs. Since 3DPO. I'm sure that's just the progesterone the corpus luteum is releasing, and it's a bit reassuring actually. Something to prove my body just *might* be spitting out what it's supposed to.

For now, I have the next few days to get the house ready to host my BIL and SIL for the long weekend. We're having a BBQ at the house on Sunday, too, so there's list-making, shopping, cleaning, and organizing to do for that.

Happy Hump-Day, everyone!

Thought Vomit Thursday

2011-08-26T15:54:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know it's Friday, but as Oak and Natalie have said numerous times, there are no rules to TVT! The only rule of TVT is to spew whatever's on your mind at the time, and to use bullets.

Here I go!

- My boobs started hurting yesterday, which makes me fairly certain that I ovulated on Wednesday right on schedule for the IUI. This makes me happy :) It also leads me to believe that my corpus luteum is doing what it's supposed to, becoming a little progesterone factory until something else can take over. There's hope for me yet! (all that to say i'm 2dpo)

- I'm hpt-ing until I get a solid BFN, just so I know for certain that the HCG trigger has left my bloodstream. I've done two so far, both positive. It's a little unnerving getting a BFN for the first time ever- even though I know it's a big fat lie. I don't mind wasting the tests, because we all know I'm crazy and have a zillion of them.

- My life has been forever changed by this post. Mind. Blown.

- I would really love for the stim-bloat to GO the eff AWAY. I'm still up a solid 5 pounds from the day I took my first shot, 16 days ago.

- I'm hosting a Labor Day BBQ next weekend. That means that lots of people will be in my house. Which means I should probably finish unpacking all the boxes that I've avoided for the last four months. To motivate ourselves, we decided that we'd hire a house-cleaning service to do the cleaning as long as ALL THE BOXES ARE UNPACKED. I made the appt, so I now have a LOT to do in the next week.

- I'm hosting a Labor Day BBQ next weekend. That also means I need to buy a big folding table so I can actually serve people food. I also want to make sangria, so I need a dispenser for that too. Any suggestions.

- Related, I am in need of a good sangria recipe. STAT.

That's all the vom I've got for now. If you're on the east coast, enjoy Irene! I wish I were there to experience it too.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Just keep swimming swimming

2011-08-24T18:01:00.000-07:00

My lovely friend N sent this to me today-
isn't the look on that guy's face classic? Love it!

We are officially two week waiting! Took the juice to the clinic at 7:40am, and we were back in the room by 8:30am doing the dirty with a catheter. Dr Boy was able to go, which made me happy. It also made HIM happy to hear that the count was over 20 million with over 50% motility. Post-wash. Glad ONE of us works right ;)

Dr Poor bedside manner (who is actually really awesome now that he knows DH is a dr) did the insemination as awesome Dr K is still on leave. While he was gentle, I still felt crampy all day. I'm the girl who thinks pap smears hurt and cause cramping, so it's no surprise that it's still on the uncomfortable side. If THIS hurts, I don't even want to imagine what's gonna happen in 9 months. But I digress. (who says digress? really.)

I'm amazed at how quickly it went by. I did get to lay around for 10-15 minutes, and was told to come back in 2 weeks for a blood test. Dr PBM is pretty convinced I'll either end up pregnant (he said he really liked my follicles) or get my period in 2 weeks. I was skeptical based on my long-ass cycles before, but he seems to think that based on the kind of induced O we for sure had, AF will come a knockin' at the right time. Though hopefully the right time will be some time in 2012 or 13 :) Oh, and he doesn't think we need any sort of progesterone supplements for now, so I'm hoping he's right.

Ahhhhh!!!!!!!! What the HECK am I going to do to distract myself now?????

Thundercats are GO!

2011-08-22T13:07:00.000-07:00

Just when you think a cycle is a complete bust, your ovaries up and go "Oh yeah? Let's go to TOWN!"

Friday was spent in a depressed funk with lots of crying.

Saturday was spent lazing around then running into Dr Poor Bedside Manner at a new physician's dinner.

Sunday was spent at a BBQ with one of Dr Boy's old med school friends- and his 7 months pregnant wife. And their 18 month old daughter. Gah. I didn't get any IF pangs from them until they started talking about how they wanted to have 3 or 4 kids and a big family. I kept thinking that "Wow, wouldn't it be nice to want to have a big family and actually be able to HAVE SEX to accomplish that?" That's what got me most of all.

So except for Friday, I spent the weekend pretty zen about the whole thing, relatively speaking. I had psyched myself up for failure today. I even felt pretty crampy all weekend (still do, in fact), convinced I was about to have a 12 day cycle and get my period this week. I was fully prepared to FIGHT for the RIGHT to keep injecting myself with hormones just to SEE if it was even possible to get a party started down in O town. Dr Poor Bedside Manner was nice this morning and we talked about the dinner the previous weekend as he got started and was taking my lining measurement. We're cool with eachother now :)

9mm. He's all "ooooh, nice! You've gained 2mm since Friday, which is a good sign!" I replied with "A lot of good that'll do when my follies laugh at us."

Then he got to righty- and I could immediately see some action! He measured, and there was a 14mm and a 10mm follie!!! Woohoo! At the very least, there was enough going on to continue the menopur, and all was not lost! I nearly started crying with excitement.

Then he got to lefty. Which requires a little pushing on my stomach and very uncomfortable shoving of the wand deep into my belleh. Ow. But you know what? It was worth it when the GIANT follie showed up!!!! There was an 18mm follie up in there!!! EFF YEAH!!!! There was also another 10mm.

The moral of the story: Don't bitch when you're only on day 9 of stims and nothing's going on yet. Your ovaries are probably just lazy sacks of drama. We're triggering tonight, and will have one nice follie to depend on. There's a *chance* that the 14mm will grow like a mother effer in the mean time, but probably will be immature. That's a-o-k for us. All it takes is one :)

So yeah. Insemination scheduled for Wednesday am. And Dr Boy will be able to show up for the party, which is pretty awesome. Nice to have a chance at getting pregnant with your husband actually in the room (though I hear it's overrated).

I am SO happy I can't even tell you. I know there's still a good chance that I will end up NOT knocked up in two weeks (anyone know the success rates of IUI with injectables?), but at least, for the first time, there's actually the possibility of it happening. And while I know I'll be bitching about a BFN in two weeks, remind me that we're actually moving in the right direction. And over the next two weeks, please, please, keep me sane.

As if that's possible :)

Fort Knox

2011-08-20T13:34:00.000-07:00

Apparently it's like Fort Knox up in my lady business. The ovaries? They be unstimmed.

The RE that saw me (not my usual Dr K) didn't see anything measurable on righty (less than 9mm he said), and only one on lefty around 8-9mm. He didn't bother to measure that one either. The plan is to continue 2 vials of menopur each night and come back in on Monday. He seemed pretty certain that we'd end up canceling altogether on Monday.

Big sad face. I asked if we could go up to 3 vials and see if that gets us anywhere, and he said "No, 'cause then we'd just end up with 10 follies." While I don't want to mistrust his medical opinion, since that's what he does for a living and all, I just wonder if upping the dose would make things go crazy in lady town. If two vials isn't doing ANYTHING, why would that make it go CRAZY? His bedside manner wasn't fantastic, and he said that if I wanted an appt long enough to discuss these kind of things I should schedule another one. Then left. It's 3:30pm on a Friday at this point, HOW AM I GOING TO MAKE ANOTHER APPT before the weekend and it's a moot point?

I considered going rogue, but I don't have enough meds to do it.

I made my appt for Mon am (a long one), then left the appointment in hysterics. Because I'm a drama queen that can't handle stress, apparently. Seriously though, if I can't handle this, how in the hell am I going to handle something TRULY tragic that happens in our lives?

Dr Boy and I discussed it, and really would at least like to try upping the dosage. If we don't see anything promising on Monday, I'm going to advocate for trying an increased dose for two or three days. If we DO end up with over-populated follie-town, we'll just avoid conception this time around so we don't birth a new minor league baseball team all on our own. If this cycle is destined to be a big fat bust-o-rama, we'd at least like to use it as a science experiment to see if we can get the follies to respond to menopur at ALL.

We don't want twenty babies. We just want to know if this will EVER work. If we'll EVER get to do a damn IUI or just keep cancelling them.

I'm still pretty much an emotional wreck over it, but I'm feeling better about our plan. Provided we can talk our doc into it. Wish us luck.

Now only 48 more hours of waiting.

I had a dream...

2011-08-19T08:14:00.000-07:00

All day yesterday and last night I was having a lot of anxiety about the ultrasound this afternoon. First off, I was dumb, dumb, dumb to schedule the thing for the afternoon. I mean really, how in the hell am I going to get anything done at work for the next six hours? (Clearly it's not going well so far or I wouldn't be blogging) That aside, I am terrified that my follies will continue to be lame. I am terrified that the giant stomach and weird cramping is a bad sign, not a good one. I don't want to be stimming for the better part of an entire month. I just don't have that in me. I'm only on 2 vials of menopur, for goddsakes, how in the hell will I deal with IVF if we have to go there???

Though I did let quite a bit of stress out in a good ugly cry before dinner, I still had a ton of it floating around in my brain when I went to sleep. And dreamed about my ultrasound.

Dr Boy was there with me (which he won't be able to do today), and as soon as they wanded me, the doctor got all serious. The Dr said that my follie production had gone off the charts, and that our only option at this point was to trigger and do IVF, or call it off and probably lose my ovaries.

SAY WHAT?????????????????

The dream skips, and the next thing I know, I'm being wheeled into an egg retrieval for our impromptu IVF.

That I didn't want, but was apparently our only chance at having a bio-kid ever.

Then I woke up.

This whole thing is such a mind-fuck. Good thing I have SIX HOURS to obsess about it now.

-----------------

Last night's injection hurt. No bruise or anything, just lots of soreness around the area. It's mostly gone now.

Also, I was wondering yesterday... does the transvag u/s see to the other side of your ovaries? I mean, if they don't see any good follies on the u/s, is it possible that there is a fantastic one on the other side? And what about lefty? Lefty seems to always be hiding behind my ute or bowel (which I've been told is a frequent problem), so how do they get good, accurate measurements? How do they know there isn't a hiding fantastic follie, that the dominant one we're trying so hard for isn't just being a stubborn camera-shy p-o-s?

These are the things I think about nowadays.

8 shots down, how many to go?

2011-08-18T14:30:00.000-07:00

Had my latest ultrasound on Tuesday to check out what's going down in follie-town. Despite the weight gain and bloating, not much! At least as of then. They didn't do a blood draw, deeming it unnecessary considering the fact that I only had a few follies on each side, none of which were any greater than 8mm. The ovaries looked awfully similar to how they did last time, when they were just your typical PCOS p-o-s's. You could see *some* increase in follie size, but meh. Not what I was hoping for after 6 days of shots. We're sticking with the 2 vials per injection for now to decrease the risk of over-stimming. If ONLY that were my problem.

The NP that scanned me was really upbeat about it though, saying that it's not uncommon for them to POP (I hate that term when it comes to colors and design, but I love it for my follies) after a week or so. Plus, the lovely Amaprincess over at this blog had a very successful pregnancy after her late-blooming follies for her first injectables and IUI cycle. So I know it *can* happen. Phew!

The thing that I didn't like was how she was all "Don't worry if it doesn't happen, you have a fast-track to IVF" because of Dr Boy. She also pulled the "it's not a waste because we're teaching your ovaries what to do! And they'll do it better next time!" I think that going there on day SIX is awfully premature. I don't WANT to do IVF. I don't WANT to do a second round of injectables. I WANT to get pregnant NOW. I had a good breakdown Tues night, but have since picked myself back up.

At least until my next u/s tomorrow.

Also, I gave myself the injection ALL BY MY LONESOME Monday night b/c Dr Boy had a softball game. It surprised me how much resistance there was when pushing the fluid in, but honestly, it was a piece of cake. So all in all, easy peasy. My awesome fearless friend N offered to give it to me (to get back at me for all the bitchy things I've said in the past, no doubt), but Dr Boy insisted that I don't "wuss out and take the easy way." Blah. But it went fine so he's off the hook for that one.

The bloat is pretty insane right now. I'm still sitting at just over 4 lbs of gain, but I think it stole weight from other parts of my body and redistributed it ALL IN MAH BELLEH. It's too-big-to-suck-in HUGE. I'm wearing a dress today for the comfort factor, as I wore pants that nearly busted open of their own accord yesterday. I walked down to Subway to grab lunch today, and noticed that in my reflection in a passing storefront I seriously look knocked up in this. Like, 5 months or so, right before the belly gets round. The "is she fat or pregnant" phase of pregnancy.

If only. Though I have to say, I like the way I look with a pregnant belly. Not enough to keep it without the baby inside though.

I'll let 'ya all know how it goes tomorrow... hopefully I'll be triggering soon like Lauren! Wish her some luck!

The Land of Pincushions and Spare Tires

2011-08-14T12:54:00.000-07:00

Everything's going well down in Pincushion-Land*! I know I shouldn't complain- one injection a day is NOTHING in the grand scheme of IF. It really isn't that terrible though. The second night we used a little less fluid, more like 0.7cc's to mix the two vials of menopur with** and it was much better in terms of volume. It stung a LOT more though. The third night we went back up to 0.8-0.9ish cc's****, and that seemed like a good amount. I also decided I like taking the shot laying down with my eyes closed, on a count of three. I pinch my spare tire pretty darned hard, and Dr Boy does the shot. I let go, he withdraws the needle, and I massage the area for a minute or so, then we're all good.

I also got the results back from my FSH and estradiol tests from CD3 (shot day 1). My FSH was 6.6 mIU/mL, and my estradiol was 51 pg/mL. From what I found here, both are within normal limits for that time of the month, meaning (in theory), my ovarian reserve and egg quality are just fine. Peachy keen! Dr K said he hadn't bothered to order those before because, based on my ultrasounds, my ovaries looked "nice and healthy" to him. Minus the mass quantities of cysts, that is ;)

I had bloodwork drawn yesterday to see how my estradiol levels were rising, and the results weren't great. They only climbed to 67 pg/mL, and Dr K was looking for something closer to 150 pg/mL or so. He's keeping me on the 2 vials per injection until we take a look at things on an ultrasound Tuesday. Based on that, my plan so far looks like:

CD3- 2 vials menopur + blood draw for FSH and estradiol (=6.6 and =51, respectively)
CD4- 2 vials menopur
CD5- 2 vials menopur
CD6 (Sat)- 1 vial menopur + blood draw for estradiol (=67)
CD7- 2 vials menopur
CD8- 2 vials menopur
CD9 (Tues)- go in for an ultrasound and see how things need to be adjusted

Dr K will be out for a week for sugery so I'll be monitored by an NP in the group, but he seems confident that in their decision-making. I'm nervous, but I can't imagine that it'll be that big of a deal, especially considering how slowly my body is taking to the darned drugs anyways. I have faith that he'll be back to make a trigger decision himself and perform the IUI. When he called today, he did reassure me that even if things don't go well this cycle, it could just be priming my body for a second round. And that we'll have more information going into another cycle. I'm trying to ignore that, as I don't ALREADY want to take on a defeatist attitude one week into things. Sure, a second IUI wouldn't be the worst thing in the world by far, but it'd sure be neato if we could get this round to work, mkay?

Also!!! My body is responding in SOME way to the drugs- I've gained freakin' 3.8 pounds. I HAD been up almost 5 pounds in three days, but that came back down some today. I definitely feel some swelling in my fingers, and my belt is one hole larger. This. Blows. Chunks. Good cause? Yes. Good feeling? No.

Ugh. Happy Sunday, ya'll!!

* I was the costume mistress for my high school's musicals for two years. I have lots of experience with pincushions. And measuring inseams. <dirty grin>

** Someone asked if we're doing separate injections per vial, and the answer is no. We suck up the saline from the saline vial, mix it into the first vial of powder, suck it back up, shoot and mix it into the second vial of powder, suck it back up, and inject (one vial saline + two vials menopur per injection). There's no WAY I'd willingly do two shots when there's a chance of only one.

**** My RE said that 1cc of saline will dissolve at least 4 vials of powder. Based on that, I'm totally fine using 0.8cc's or so with the 2 vials we're on right now. It stings a little more b/c it's more concentrated, but for me, the sting isn't as bad as the feeling of a ton of fluid in mah belleh.

It's ON

2011-08-11T11:38:00.000-07:00

Like Donkey Kong.

After a bit of a mishap on Monday, this injectables cycle is in full swing. On Monday, afternoon, the third day after my last provera pill, I started to feel boaty and crampy, and called the RE office to schedule my CD1 ultrasound. I was fairly certain CD1 would begin that day, and the doc had said to call "around" cd1, so I thought it was fine. The scheduling nurse that called back was a little snarky and said she couldn't get me an appt until I started bleeding. OK fine, I'll call back in an hour. But first, she asked if I knew how much clomid we were going with this time. I told her it was for an injectables cycle, and she asked me if I had taken the class.

Say what? Class? Dr K hadn't mentioned anything about a class when we saw him a few weeks ago. He told us to watch a video online. And that when I came in for the u/s we'd get all the instruction we needed for the shots. Scheduling nurse said that without having gone to the class, the cycle was a no-go. But we were more than welcome to do clomid again. I informed her that no, clomid is about as effective (for me) as relaxing, and that we would NOT be doing that again. She said that we'd probably have to skip this cycle then.

SAY WHAT??? I am SORRY, but don't tell an infertile that they might have to SKIP a CYCLE because of a stinking seminar on how to shoot a needle into your belly. I'm married to a freakin' DOCTOR. I have a strong feeling that he KNOWS HOW TO ADMINISTER AN INJECTION. And really, mixing the menopur was explained VERY clearly on the video from the drug manufacturer.

I got off the phone with her and shot off a quick email to Dr K. I also had a good loud ugly cry in the hallway at work, then a quiet ugly cry in my cubicle. About an hour later, AF showed up, so I called the scheduling nurse back. She was much less douchey, and made an appt for my u/s on CD3 and an appt with her for my "injecting class". Which was a joke. The only thing I learned that was different from the video was... ummm... wait, I didn't learn anything different. Oh well. She actually isn't that douchey in person, I think she just didn't realize that I was married to someone quite well versed in the art of injections. (Which turns out is the reason Dr K didn't make us do the class. Phew.)

I had my u/s yesterday, which (surprise) showed my usual 15+ cysts on each ovary, and a 6.5mm lining. I have no idea what that matters at this point in the cycle, but they wrote it down so I did too :) I also requested the CD3 FSH/Estradiol tests, and had the blood drawn as soon as everything else was done.

The protocol is fairly low maintenance so far:
CD3- 2 vials menopur
CD4- 2 vials menopur
CD5- 2 vials menopur
CD6 (Sat)- 1 vial menopur + blood draw for estradiol
CD7- 1 vial menopur (unless Dr K calls and decides otherwise based on estradiol results)
CD8- 1 vial menopur
CD9 (Tues)- go in for an ultrasound and see how things need to be adjusted

Pretty easy! We did first shot last night. It is my bitch. Dr Boy mixed everything while I watched like a hawk. When it came down to the actual shooting, I couldn't decide if I wanted to watch or not. Ended up not watching while he actually stuck me, but I did watch the shooting itself. It burned a very little bit, but did feel quite uncomfortable. 1cc is a lot more fluid than I thought. We might try using a little less tonight. Very little pain after, just a weird pocket where you could tell the fluid was. I couldn't stop poking it. No bruise today, no bleeding last night.

Injectables rock star. Though doing it myself? That will be a whole 'nuther story.

Intruders!

2011-08-07T17:03:00.000-07:00

These little guys are about an inch long, and seem to luuuurve my tomatoes. They're not tobacco hornworms or tomato hornworms, I'm pretty sure. Too small, and no horn.

What the heck are they though???????? Keep in mind I live in Cali.

Raaaaawwwwwwrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!

This guy is so classy he's peeing in the picture

The best guess I have is tomato fruit caterpillars. Which grosses me out because now I'm afraid I'm going to eat a worm when I crack open my new beautiful fruit. And beautiful they are :)

The weather has gotten warm, and the garden is finally flourishing!

In case you were wondering, the ART I performed on the zucchinis was successful... there's hope for me yet!

A List.

2011-08-04T13:39:00.000-07:00

Because I've been ill since Saturday, and every time I cough I feel like I have "Shaken-JM-Syndrome", this is the best I can come up with right now. Miss you guys. I'll be back to commenting when I can keep my eyes open for prolonged periods of time.

1. I said eff you to my crampy uterus and started the provera last Wednesday. One more down tomorrow. If it's anything like last cycle, that should give me AF on Sunday, and starting the menopur mid-week.

2. I've had the sore throat from hell combined with 3-pack-a-day smoker's cough since Saturday. Two dr's appt later and all I have to show for it is three less sick days in the bank, some Mucinex D, and Robitussin with codeine... Oh wait... that's not so bad...

3. Spent four of those sick days in LA visiting my family. Had to cancel plans with friends. Spent most of the time in bed. My mom got to take care of me and make me soup. Funny quote "I love that you're sick because it means you need me again". Oh momma-sita, I will always need you! Now can I do it without coughing up bloody phlegm?

4. I am irrationally terrified that the summer flu from hell will prevent me from going forward with this cycle. Please tell me I am an irrational worry-wort.

5. I got back to Nrn CA yesterday to a well-cared-for garden (thanks, Dr Boy!) and loads of ripening tomatoes. Finally!

6. I've lost two pounds in a week. The flu is good for something.

ETA: Do you guys think I should ask for a day 3 FSH and estradoil test? Is never ovulating on my own and not responding to the clomid once (but probably all three times) enough of a concern to have this done?

Facelift!

2011-07-26T16:33:00.000-07:00

And just in time for ICLW, too!

Thanks to the fabulous Aly at Bridge Work Blog Design, Meier Madness has a whole new look! I am quite the fan... are you? Aly manages to do a great job at inexpensive blog design, all while figuring the in's and out's of her second high-risk pregnancy (which she talks about over at The Infertility Overachievers). She caught me right in the middle of the Clomid Crazies, and put up with me without a single complaint... more than I can say for Dr Boy :) Seriously though, she's awesome, and won't stop until you LOVE your design. Check her out! And grab my button! I heart it.

--------------------------------------

As for MY infertility overachieving, my body continues to toy with me. I've been having some interesting pre-AF-like cramping since Saturday, and let's just say that since yesterday, I could make my own omelet (TMI? Sorry 'bout that!). I've been putting off starting the provera since I thought maybe I'd cycle on my own, but the addition of the EWCM makes me think my body just tried to o whatever pitiful follies it decided to produce. Oh well. Provera will commence Thursday morning, just in case. After another "glutton for punishment" morning pregnancy test. Good think I bought a bajillion of them for cheap. Based on last time, that should put CD1 on Sunday the 7th, with a good window on either end to go in for my baseline ultrasound and to get my protocol. Which would loosely end my TWW somewhere around Sept 4th-ish. Not that I'm an obsessive compulsive planner or anything...

Thanks for all the menopur advice, too! I'm pretty sure that's what I'll be on. Plus the hCG trigger. And an insemination. Oh boy oh boy!

"I hope you're not afraid of needles"

2011-07-24T09:24:00.000-07:00

I'm not, thank goodness. Because that's what we're going to need for this next cycle.

Dr Boy and I went to the RE meeting on Friday. We were meeting the new doctor (same dept, just a real dr instead of nurse practitioner) to discuss where to go since I didn't respond to the clomid. At all. He did another wanding just to confirm that CD26 didn't bring me any closer to a dominant follicle or anything that even remotely resembled ovarian response. Surprise! It didn't! Oh wait.... that wasn't a surprise....

Side Note: Has anyone else had their husband in the room for a wanding? It's a bit awkward. The dr had to have me scoot down further about three times, and spread my legs "WIDER! WIDER! I know you're no stranger to this! WIDER!" Awk. Ward.

We went over the fact that MAYBE moving up to 150mg clomid would help, but probably not. We went over the possibility of femara, but this clinic doesn't endorse it based on ongoing studies that it may or may not have a link to limb defects. Uhhhhhh NO. So we decided to go strait to Menopur with an hCG trigger and IUI. Eeeek!!! I'm to start provera today or tomorrow (probably tomorrow since I forgot to take a preg test with my f.m.u.), and head in to receive my set of meds on the 1st day of my cycle.

It all feels real now.... Anyone have any experience with menopur? Any helpful hints that you can share? Thanks!

Just to Eff With Me

2011-07-21T11:54:00.000-07:00

Happy ICLW to all of you! To the newcomers, check out this post to see our sordid TTC history. The only addition is an HSG (no problems found), a failed unmedicated cycle, and a failed attempt at an IUI this month (my body decided to scoff at the 100mg clomid). The ovaries think that clomid is SOOOOO lowbrow.

My body has been doing weird things in the last few days. Mainly to eff with me, I think.

- Heartburn. Usually when I'm standing or sitting strait up, in fact. I've been eating pretty darned well, and have no idea where this is coming from.
- Nausea. I feel fairly vomititious in the evenings and mornings. I even threw up Tues evening. (aren't you so glad you knew that?)
- Swollen middle. I'm no skinny minny, but the two pounds I've gained during this cycle went STRAIT to the spare tire. NOWHERE ELSE.
- Exhaustion. I wake up in the morning thinking it's only been an hour or two because GAWD there's no way I've already been asleep for seven hours. Then I look at the clock and want to cry.
- Lots of crying. I'm always an emotional wreck, but right now? Oy vey. Example- Dr Boy and I watched the first two HP movies in the last few days. I cried on no less than 15 occasions during each. Pretty sure I was more amusing to DB than the films.

Let's get one thing strait. I AM NOT PREGNANT. So why the HELL do I have so many symptoms? I reserve the right to complain about pregnancy symptoms while NOT pregnant. That way I can relish in the flowers and rainbows that my constipation will equate to when there's a baby in my belly.

No Longer Confused, just depressed.

2011-07-20T08:49:00.000-07:00

And it's over.

I called the RE yesterday thanks to all of your advice, and the nurse said that they usually won't even do an IUI past 20 or 21 days unless the follie looks really good. Which promptly sent me into hysterics in my cubicle at work. Fun. My co-workers must think I'm a crazy person. (side-note: are they really so wrong? prolly not.) She said we can either wait for me to cycle out on my own or blah blah blah blah. To be honest, I kindof tuned the rest out. I did ask if it was worth it to come in and u/s my lady bits to see if maybe I missed the big o somehow, or maybe had a bad batch of opks (lies I tell myself to keep from admitting my ovaries failed me), so we made the appt for that afternoon.

I still had to make it through four hours of work by that point, but did somehow. Not that I was all that productive. The ultrasound showed the same thing as the OPKs. No dominant follicle(s), no corpus luteum indicating I had just missed the +, no apparent response to the clomid whatsoever. Ovaries looked exactly the same as they did on my pre-CD1 scan about four weeks ago.On a happy note, I did have a lovely 7mm uterine lining built up. Looks like the clomid didn't negatively affect that. Oh wait, it didn't affect anything. Except my hot flashes and migraines. Which came back the last two nights. Eff.

Attempted IUI #1 is a no go. Nothing to fertilize! The guy doing the u/s wasn't my regular doc, but he said that he wouldn't be surprised if they had me move on to a "mixed cycle" next time around. I'm not sure what all that entails, just that I'll probably have to shoot myself up with something. I don't have a problem with the mechanics of that, more so with the circumstance. Injectables make this whole IF thing seem much more real. Like I'm really part of "the club" now. I had always kindof felt like a "fake" infertile, since we hadn't gone through hoards of treatment yet. Shooting yourself up, though, qualifies. In my effed up brain, at least. Hence the utter meltdown I had last night. And better ~~half~~ three-quarters of a bottle of wine. It was delicious. And mind-numbing. Which helped, bc Dr Boy didn't get home until 10:30 last night. Bad timing. Pity, Party of One? Your table is ready!

As if I weren't a big enough glutton for punishment, I still used my OPK this morning. Even less negative than the last few mornings. Surprise surprise.

Long story short, I have an appt with my RE Friday afternoon to go over my results (I also did a progesterone blood test yesterday, again, just to see). And to make a plan for the next cycle. Does this count as a WTF appt? I am so ready to start the ten days of provera doom and get this next ball rolling. Because that's the only way I can deal with it.

What was it that Dory (Finding Nemo) said? Just keep swimming swimming swimming swimming....

Confusion

2011-07-19T08:51:00.000-07:00

Has anyone had an issue with ovulating late on Clomid? Apparently I do. Today is CD23, and the almighty pee sticks are continuing to mock me.

You mocking mocker, you.

I've tested for 13 mornings in a row now, all within an hour of the same time. This meant setting an alarm for 5:30am on the weekend, which is practically illegal. At least in my book. The few times I recently cycled on my own, I got a + OPK on CD 19, 20, 14, and 20 (again). This go-around, I've been testing with both the CBE as well as the internet cheapies. The cheapies aren't even getting close to a + result. I do feel awfully bloated and uncomfortable in the abdomen, but don't really remember feeling that much at this point other times.

My question to you, dear followers, is when is it OK to call the RE? Am I being antsy by not getting a positive yet, or should I legitimately be concerned? I don't want to bug them, but I am also really frustrated that this first IUI may be derailed before it even gets out of the station. Eff. It just effing sucks.

Advice is greatly appreciated, because right now I just want to go back to bed and have a do-over of the morning. A do-over that ends up with a +. I shouldn't let this get to me, but I should be happily in the middle of my TWW right now, not stressing over when the damn thing is going to start. This whole week I've been pretty unbearable at home, too, and I'm sure Dr Boy is ready to kick me out until the eggs drop.

On more entertaining and less bitter-infertile news, I performed ART on my zucchini plant the other day. I seem to be the only person in the history of gardening that is incapable of growing a stupid squash. I thought they grew like weeds!!! I thought people had zucc's coming out of their ears when they planted them! Not so much for this veggie novice. I've had lots of flowers but no results, so I took matters into my own hands (literally), and hand-pollinated one of the flowers. We'll see if that does the trick.

At least I can fertilize SOMETHING, mother effer.

Also entertaining is the fact that someone googled "i have the clap and im pregnant" to get to my blog. I'm classy.

I feel so loved!

2011-07-15T22:10:00.000-07:00

The fabulous Lissie over at Lissie's Luck awarded me the awesome Versatile Blogger award earlier this month! I feel so loved! I love the idea of passing along the blogger awards. It's one of those things that really makes this feel like a community instead of just a published journal. I really mean it when I say you are all awesome!

As per the award's rules, I'm supposed to:
- Post the award image
- Link back to the giver
- Disclose 10 things about myself that I haven't already

Well, here we go!

1. I met Dr Boy the very first weekend of college freshman year. We've been together ever since (12 years) and have never broken up.

2. I am a weather nerd. Total. Nerd. I go stormchasing with some friends from grad school each spring, and it is amazing, as well as something that has given me a VERY healthy respect for severe storms.

3. I've adopted an animal in each city I've lived in as an adult. Our first cat, Vesta, was adopted during undergrad. Our second cat, Ellie, was adopted during grad school. Our dog, Hannah, was adopted a couple of months after we got married. They're great furbabies, provided you don't mind that they hate eachother.

4. Before we got married, Dr Boy and I spent three years as a long-distance couple. That was equal to the amount of time we spent as a NOT long-distance couple. As I said, we went to undergrad together, though he was ahead of me. He left for medical school while I graduated and went to grad school. We finally ended up back together as he was graduating medical school and starting residency, and I started a job with the company I'm still with.

5. I hate spiders. Have I mentioned that before?

6. I have two different thumbs. I never sucked on them as a child. They just are the way they are! Turns out it's genetic. I showed my grandma my weirdo thumbs once, and she showed me hers- same thing :)

7. I learned to play the french horn in Jr High, mainly because no one else wanted to. My theory? If I'm the only one, I can't be worse than anyone else. No competition. Yeah, I was messed up. But it was an awesome instrument. I continued in high school (where, go figure, two of the other horn-ists in my year also had the same weird thumb thing....), then switched to mellophone (marching french horn) in college. It's a good thing I joined marching band, because that's where I met Dr Boy. He played the cymbals (helloooooooo nice arms).

8. Tap water makes me gag. Ugh, I can't even think about it. Ewwww.

9. I'm awful at checking my voicemail. Seriously, I have 5 un-listened voicemails on my phone right now, and literally 10 that I quickly flipped through just to get the phone to stop bugging me about them.

10. I am a flip-cup master. I. Rock. The game. (I'd post a picture but I'm sporting about three chins, and that makes me want to gag.)

I now have the pleasure of passing this award along to another set of wonderful bloggers I've discovered out there. The lucky ladies are:

1. Mo at Mommy Odyssey
2. Lauren at P(c)OS Ovaries
3. Lauren at Not Just an Army Wife
4. Audrey at Love, Audrey
5. The author of Waiting and Wishing
6. BU at Relaxing Doesn't Get You Pregnant
7. Natalie at I was told there would be pajamas
8. Ericka at And Baby Makes Four

These women are funny, strong, brave, and are all at different steps in their TTC process. Finding new posts from them in my reader truly makes my day each time. Check them out and let them know I sent 'ya!

It's just not funny

2011-07-12T14:48:00.000-07:00

Could someone please explain to me why people think it's funny to joke about people being better off without children? Unless it's a choice you've made (because of biology, faith, circumstance, whatever), living childless isn't funny. Especially when it's a choice that you didn't get to make.

I spent the day in a 6-hour CPR/First Aid course at work today, and at some point, someone made an offhand remark to the effect of "Give her a break, she doesn't have kids." To which the instructor replied, "Nice! You're way better off that way."

To which I replied "Eff off, mother effer."

OK, not really, but I REALLY wanted to. And mentally, I shut down. The course was near-completion, I took my multiple choice test at the end, finished first (and scored 100% for that matter. Booya.), and stormed out of the room. I don't know or care if anyone really knows why I suddenly looked like I could throat-punch someone, but I'm pretty sure I left a few people wondering.

It's just not funny people. It's. Just. Not. Please, for the love of god, just try and be a little more sensitive, kay? I'd really appreciate it.

Obviously it doesn't help that I'm anxiously awaiting that fickle little smiley-face on the Clear Blue Easy ovulation sticks. It doesn't help that what Mr Wandy shows the afternoon after my pee produces a grin will (hopefully) result in an IUI. It doesn't help that I'm impatient, and hopeful, and scared, and hormonal.

You know what would help? A little sensitivity.

End rant.

Hey- I also wanted to say a big THANK YOU to Mag at Witty Infertility for bestowing upon me the Overlord award! I'm working on my rules, Mag- promise! And a second big THANK YOU to Lissie over at Lissie's Luck for the Versatile Blogger award! I'm working on that post as well, Lissie, I haven't forgotten! And thanks to Ericka from This Hampton Life of Mine for the salad dressing recipe :) Very, very yummy.

Ya'll are awesome and I love you. That is all.

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